TennisGal Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 It is common for one spouse to earn more than the other. I suspect it is less common for the wife to earn substantially more than the husband. This was the case with my husband and me (I had a higher salary when we were working and a higher 401k balance). But it was never a source of resentment or conflict for us. Now we are retired and have no paychecks at all! A good friend (yes, really, a friend and not me) is dealing with resentment from her husband based on salary. She earns about $125K and he earns about $95K. Neither are shabby salaries, both are considered valued staff at their respective jobs, and they don't live in a high COL area where these salaries would be considered just passable. However, he often makes remarks about her higher salary. This arose recently when she got a good review on her annual evaluation (which she has always done) and got a pretty good bonus in addition to a modest raise. He apparently made a snarky remark about her doing so much better than him. He has also make comments about her spending $$$ on hair cuts and highlights, though it is less than he spends on green fees. When she told me about this, I asked if she has expressed concerns about their financial status or his expenditures that might make him feel put down. She does not feel that is the case. Nor does she feel she was braggy about the raise, just satisfied that they recognized her contribution. Anyway, I'd be interested to hear from folks here about how they have handled this. As I said, my salary was higher than my husband's when we were working and it was never an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 While my instinct would be to give him a verbal backhander, I recognise it would not be conducive to addressing the problem. Perhaps a better response would be to reply with "are you OK?" or "what's going on?" in an effort to understand what he's feeling when he says these things. When she understands his feelings, she will be in a better place to discuss the problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I just finished our taxes. I earned twice what my husband did this last year. There have been times when we were closer to equal, but I have always made more. He has never made snarky remarks or acted jealous. I am more of a penny pincher than he is - he encourages me to treat myself. The only time it has been an issue is when other areas of our relationship were leaving me feeling underappreciated, or I felt like he could be putting more effort in. I suppose you could say it's a card that I have learned not to touch. No one likes it being rubbed in that the other earns more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Earnings vary. Some years I earn more. Some years he does. In a healthy relationship you appreciate the efforts your partner makes & are thankful for the balance the fluidity brings to your relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Participants in a healthy relationship realize money is but one element. My wife was a SAHM when our kids were younger and the few times I relieved her for a week here or there convinced me hers was by far the tougher - and more important - position. Anyone who thinks take-home pay is the highest priority in a marriage should try cuddling with their checkbook... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 When my wife earned more than me, she kept accusing me of feeling some kind of way about it. I never did, but it did get old. It was like she WANTED me to feel less than. She also tried to use her making money as a reason she would have more say so on decisions. Never worked. Course I don't really have a model marriage lol. Just saying it's possible he's not intending it more than a joke and she's taking it for more than it was meant. Really, have you heard your friends husband say this stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 The disparity is not that big a deal in your example. But I can imagine that the dynamics of their relationship may change if the husband is making, say, 70k (vs. wife's making 125k). If they don't pool their incomes together, then they may have different levels of lifestyle which may be an issue. Also, some women want to feel protected by their man; so the man's making significantly less may have some subtle implication in their relationship. Obviously, this is usually a non-issue if the wife is the one making significantly less, even in this age! Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I just finished our taxes. I earned twice what my husband did this last year. There have been times when we were closer to equal, but I have always made more. He has never made snarky remarks or acted jealous. I am more of a penny pincher than he is - he encourages me to treat myself. The only time it has been an issue is when other areas of our relationship were leaving me feeling underappreciated, or I felt like he could be putting more effort in. I suppose you could say it's a card that I have learned not to touch. No one likes it being rubbed in that the other earns more. I think it also depends on the "financial model" in your marriage. If you guys pool your incomes together, then you just spend money from the common pool. On the other hand, if you have a joint account for the common household expenses (in which each contributes a certain amount), and each also has her/his own individual account for the individual expenses, then there may be some disparity in terms of lifestyle which may be an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Can be an issue regardless of which partner makes a lot less, depending on the relationship dynamic. Some women feel cheated if their man is not The Provider. Some men feel emascualted if they are not The Provider. Some people tend to think that low-earning or home-maker partners of either sex are "not really contributing" and that their opinions on anything that happens within the relationship is automatically less important and they should defer to the person who makes all the money. This isn't always intended to be cruel, or even really an intentional line of thinking at all, but just a natural reaction to society's pressures. "I'm working so hard to take care of this family, the least you could do is show me some respect!" Some men are upset if their partner has a well-paying job because they think this implies that they are not successful enough to take care of the family on their own. Some women are stressed and intimidated by being the lower earner because they feel indebted to the higher earner in a way they can never pay back, and/or unable to leave the marriage if things go wrong because they have become dependent. It really all depends on the couple and how much they appreciate things outside of money! Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 May I weight in? As a man, I am not saying it's right but for many men, when being truly honest, may see their value in the relationship as what they bring home....say what you will but go back to the caveman days...the man's worth was what he killed and brought home to the wife and family. To some extent, that is true today for some men. He, I believe feel devalued because he doesn't bring home the lion's share of the income to the family. I am not defending it just explaining it. I BTW am married to a SAHS, we agreed when our son became school age, that we would live on my income alone and she would manage the household and be a SAHM. This worked wonderfully for us and even tough our son is grown, educated and employed / self sufficient, we have seen no reason to change. She now is MY SAHW and works twice as hard as I do. I could never do this job, just think every time you think you've got the laundry done, before the evening falls, there are more dirty cloths to be done.....never ends. I admire anyone who is able to do this. Sorry for the rant. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Participants in a healthy relationship realize money is but one element. My wife was a SAHM when our kids were younger and the few times I relieved her for a week here or there convinced me hers was by far the tougher - and more important - position. Anyone who thinks take-home pay is the highest priority in a marriage should try cuddling with their checkbook... Mr. Lucky This! I used to feel very guilty for being a housewife until my husband explained to me how much I help him. He doesn't have to worry about housework and cooking when he has a demanding career with coworkers he can't stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 One reason I will never marry my girlfriend is because she makes more than me. A woman cannot respect a man who makes less than she does. It goes against 10,000 years of social evolution. Men who become SAHDs very often end up getting cheated on by their wives. We've had many betrayed SAHDs pass through this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 One reason I will never marry my girlfriend is because she makes more than me. A woman cannot respect a man who makes less than she does. It goes against 10,000 years of social evolution. Men who become SAHDs very often end up getting cheated on by their wives. We've had many betrayed SAHDs pass through this thread. But are you talking about a substantial disparity here? In the example given by the OP, the difference is not that big of a deal. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 One reason I will never marry my girlfriend is because she makes more than me. A woman cannot respect a man who makes less than she does. It goes against 10,000 years of social evolution. Men who become SAHDs very often end up getting cheated on by their wives. We've had many betrayed SAHDs pass through this thread. This is bad news for me, as I was a SAHD from when my boys were in middle school and our wage differential was huge! OTOH I'm not particularly worried, I prepare her food: Anyone who's seen I, Claudius knows where the balance of power sits in such situations... ..lol.. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 One reason I will never marry my girlfriend is because she makes more than me. A woman cannot respect a man who makes less than she does. It goes against 10,000 years of social evolution. Men who become SAHDs very often end up getting cheated on by their wives. We've had many betrayed SAHDs pass through this thread. I have to respectfully disagree. My husband is better educated than I am and does incredibly meaningful work but I make more by virtue of the business field that I am in. He is the one person I respect above all, and not because of any financial contribution he makes. He is smarter than I am, more thoughtful, more diligent, more respectful, more dedicated and he is funny and sexy to boot. At some point, I think we all realize that money - unless you don't have enough to meet basic needs - simply doesn't matter. It is not the valuation of a person's worth or contribution. OP, I agree with the poster who said your friend should wait for a calm moment and ask her Spouse what is wrong. They need to have a conversation because resentment shouldn't be allowed to fester. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Been a SAHM for 18 years & feel no guilt about it. I went to school but due to an illness had to quit school & job...10 years later after a good bill of health, I had my 2nd child & we both decided it was better for me to just stay home. All of my childhood friends, make more than their H. We're all extremely close & have spoke about it...none of the H care BUT every so often my friends speak about it being frustrating they are the bread winners & their lifestyles are based on their jobs alone (they have extremely comfortable lives). This is usually under stressful times at work & they see me be able to stay home with my kids. I think it's more venting out of stress vs it being a "real" issue in their marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 One reason I will never marry my girlfriend is because she makes more than me. A woman cannot respect a man who makes less than she does. It goes against 10,000 years of social evolution. Men who become SAHDs very often end up getting cheated on by their wives. We've had many betrayed SAHDs pass through this thread. We've had many betrayed men who AREN'T stay-at-home dads on the forum. Probably a lot more than the other! Sounds to me like the person with the problem respecting you may be you? I mean, yes, there are women who would have a problem with it, but it's absolutely not all women and it's silly to say that a woman CANNOT be happy as the prime earner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I know its going to sound sexist - and it is - but it often causes issues when the woman has more of anything - money, looks, sexual experiences, physical fitness, etc. I know its better these days, I am a bit older so maybe its a generational thing. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I know its going to sound sexist - and it is - but it often causes issues when the woman has more of anything - money, looks, sexual experiences, physical fitness, etc. I know its better these days, I am a bit older so maybe its a generational thing. And does it not cause problems when the man has more looks, fitness, sexual experience, and yes money? Like they say, everything is about sex, but sex, sex is about power. Any time there is a large power disparity in a relationship it will make it more prone to problems. If a rich handsome man married a woman who does not match him, he may feel entitled to have more (modern day women are hardly the inventors of the mistress), it's only now that we are starting to see relationships where the female may have the upper hand and thus abuse the power dynamic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TennisGal Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 A woman cannot respect a man who makes less than she does. It goes against 10,000 years of social evolution. Oh hell, no. I know many specific examples of relationships where this is emphatically not the case. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 Wow. I'm surprised at one of the responses on here, re not marrying the GF and SAHD getting cheated on. What about SAHMs? Cheaters will be cheaters wherever they are and whatever they do. A came across a case recently where this very situation was taken to the extreme. Following a promotion at work, a woman was earning more than her partner (she had 2 jobs) and he said because she was now earning more, she had to quit one of the jobs or he as leaving the relationship ... and they had a child as well. The issue is how the finances are pooled together in a relationship and if the income is viewed as 'yours', 'mine' or 'ours'. I don't believe my husband would have an issue with it, he'd just expect me to pay for more around the house, like he does now, as the higher earner. My honest view, is that the male ego (in general not all men) can be rather fragile and because money commands power, they feel a loss of power when earning less money. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 But are you talking about a substantial disparity here? In the example given by the OP, the difference is not that big of a deal. Yeah... She's deluding herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 Oh hell, no. I know many specific examples of relationships where this is emphatically not the case. Uh huh....right. Do you know these women personally? I don't buy it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 We've had many betrayed men who AREN'T stay-at-home dads on the forum. Probably a lot more than the other! Sounds to me like the person with the problem respecting you may be you? I mean, yes, there are women who would have a problem with it, but it's absolutely not all women and it's silly to say that a woman CANNOT be happy as the prime earner. These adultery forums are replete with SAHDs who are jilted by WWs who have lost respect for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 We've had many betrayed men who AREN'T stay-at-home dads on the forum. Probably a lot more than the other! Sounds to me like the person with the problem respecting you may be you? I mean, yes, there are women who would have a problem with it, but it's absolutely not all women and it's silly to say that a woman CANNOT be happy as the prime earner. No I respect myself. I just refuse to be married to a woman who earns more than me. But that's my thing. I don't expect everyone to agree with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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