Open Marriage

[Galleria]

A couple days ago, my husband of twelve years turned to me and said he really needed to tell me something important. I told him I needed to get my phone from the living room. He said to please listen first. Then he proceeded to tell me that he is bisexual and has been cheating on me with another man for six months. Even went so far as to invite the guy to the house and have sex with him and take photos of it in our bed several times while I was at work. There were lots of details that I won't go into, but I was lied to repeatedly for six months.

 

Apparently, the relationship turned sour and after a few months my husband realized that it was toxic. The other man was very controlling and jealous of my husbands refusal to give me up permanently. My husband tried to stop the relationship and the guy threatened to tell, so it continued. During this time the man found a way to befriend me over social media.

 

My husband said the dishonesty was eating him, and especially the relationship. He called it off for good the night he told me. On my phone the other man had sent me all the photos and a slew of text messages between them, where my husband is madly in love with him telling him things like, "Yes, she's next to but you know all I want is you and I won't be happy til I find a way we can live together", etc.

 

So, I need advice.

 

We have three kids. I'm plain and would probably be alone for the rest of my life if I leave him. He loves me in a very deep way; we've been through a lot together. I suggested an open marriage. I think I can deal with him having a side relationship as long as we agree on parameters -- number one, honesty. I don't want to expect him to go through life sexually frustrated.

 

I'm very open minded to possibilities, but I don't know where I'm going anymore. I feel scared, sad, lonely, understanding of him, betrayed, and confused.

 

Am I about to open Pandora's box?

[BaileyB]

You are a better person than me.

 

I realize that I don't know your husband or the relationship that you share with him... But, I would ask him to leave. I would never tolerate the dishonesty and disrespect. He cheated on you with another man in your home, in your bed. The trust has been broken and I would never be able to trust this man again.

[somanymistakes]

Being bisexual doesn't mean that he HAS to have sex with both a man and a woman, any more than a straight guy liking both asian women and redheads means that he has to have two wives. Everyone gives up options by committing to a monogamous relationship. And in the same way, many people, straight or bi or gay, sometimes find that they're not happy with those restrictions.

 

First thing is - DON'T make any binding decisions right away. You're reeling. Everything is upside down, you're in pain, even your husband is probably in pain, and the world doesn't make a lot of sense right now. Both of you may find yourself willing to agree to things at the moment that you can't actually live with long-term, just because you're in shock and scared to lose each other.

 

Before you two even think about the prospect of a poly arrangement, you need to recover from what's just happened. Your husband needs to demonstrate how much you and his family mean to him. You need to rebuild your bonds.

 

No matter how strong his desire for extracurricular activities may be he can certainly set it aside for several months to focus on you.

 

And believe it or not, you do have other options... he's not the only man in the world who would ever want you. That doesn't mean that you have to leave him if you don't want to! It IS possible to rebuild and recover after this sort of thing. It's even possible to have a complicated arrangement and make it work. But don't let "otherwise I would be alone" be your only motivator in doing things that make you feel dead inside.

 

Again - DON'T RUSH TO ANY DECISION.

Edited April 22, 2017 by somanymistakes

[Jersey born raised]

Open for both of you? You would be able to date guys?

 

Think twice, ever thread I've read when two people are in an open relationship one always splits for OP.

[aileD]

Yeah but what about the cheating? He's a cheater. He deceived you and lied to you and had sex in your marital bed

 

 

If he did all that with a girl instead of a guy, would it still be ok?

 

Bisexual means you're attracted to both sexes. It doesn't mean you can't be monogamous.

 

No, this is bad. If he wanted to hook up here and there with a man to "satisfy"!his sexual urges towards men.....that's different than having a whole emotional relationship on the side .

 

Bad news

[somanymistakes]

Open for both of you? You would be able to date guys?

 

Think twice, ever thread I've read when two people are in an open relationship one always splits for OP.

 

There are many regular posters on the board who are in happy long-term open relationships, and at least one who was open for a while and then the original relationship decided to close back up again.

 

However, almost everybody with experience in this sort of thing will say that cheating is NOT the way to start it. It's a punchline in the poly community. "Relationship broken, add more people!" Pretty much guarantees a disaster.

[Gemma1]

Open for both of you? You would be able to date guys?

 

Think twice, ever thread I've read when two people are in an open relationship one always splits for OP.

As has already been said, there are quite a few members on here who are in open marriages, myself included.

 

My relationship has been open (on my H's end) from the beginning, we have never been monogamous and probably never will be. But it's almost always a terrible idea to open a relationship in order to fix it.

 

OP - your husband is a cheater and lied to you in so many ways. You shouldn't be the one bending over backwards to fix this, HE should. Even if you don't plan to leave him, you need to pretend you are going to. Make him realize what he has done. File for divorce (you can always cancel it later) and kick him out. He needs therapy, and you guys should go to marital counseling too. This is not ok!

[harrybrown]

Yes, you would be opening pandora's box.

 

Did your H get tested for stds?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Am I about to open Pandora's box?

 

Yes. Do you and your husband enjoy a healthy sex life?

 

His opening up to be bisexual is not a new revelation for him. I suspect he has always been and marrying you may been a way to suppress his natural inclinations. Do you live in a more conservative area, families?

 

Anyway, I wonder if he is not homosexual all together.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're expecting honesty from a man who had an affair for 6 months? Who likely only confessed because his boyfriend was about to reveal everything to you?

 

You won't get honesty out of your husband, OP. So you can abandon that idea.

 

Being attracted to men is one thing. Actively deceiving you and bringing another lover into your home and your bed is quite another. I hate to tell you this, but this is more than likely not the first time he's played around and there's probably a lot more to his infidelity than you know. Cheaters generally only reveal what they can't actually hide anymore, so if this is the sanitized version, imagine what the truth really is.

 

Opening up the marriage isn't going to solve the real problems here.

 

Get yourself tested for STIs immediately. To be clear, I would say that same if he had cheated with a woman. This is not someone you can trust to safeguard your well-being or to be honest if he didn't use protection. There is apparently a heck of a lot you don't know about your husband so heaven only knows where and with whom else he's been having sex.

[BaileyB]

You're expecting honesty from a man who had an affair for 6 months? Who likely only confessed because his boyfriend was about to reveal everything to you?

 

You won't get honesty out of your husband, OP. So you can abandon that idea.

 

Being attracted to men is one thing. Actively deceiving you and bringing another lover into your home and your bed is quite another. I hate to tell you this, but this is more than likely not the first time he's played around and there's probably a lot more to his infidelity than you know. Cheaters generally only reveal what they can't actually hide anymore, so if this is the sanitized version, imagine what the truth really is.

 

Opening up the marriage isn't going to solve the real problems.

 

Exactly this. Just because he is bisexual, it doesn't give him the right to cheat, lie to you, and put your health at risk. This is about more than the fact that he may be sexually frustrated. Can you really continue to love and trust a man who does this?

 

I think you sell yourself way too short when you say that you are plain and that you believe you would have difficulty finding another partner. I can appreciate that you don't want to break up your family and you are afraid to date again at this point in your life... But really, what's the price of staying in a marriage with a man who shows such little respect that he brings his affair partner into your home, where you and your children live, to have sex in your bed? He then lies about it, and only tells you when he's about to be discovered. Think hard about this, and what it says to your children if they ever learn about his behavior and you allow him to stay.

Edited April 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[Superchicken]

 

 

 

We have three kids. I'm plain and would probably be alone for the rest of my life if I leave him.

 

I have no issues dating "Plain" women, even with kids, if I was still single..

So don't sell yourself short.

 

 

Don't do anything that makes you feel unconfutable.

Look how your husbands affair turned out. You want the same ?.

 

 

Ted.

[Simple Logic]

A couple days ago, my husband of twelve years turned to me and said he really needed to tell me something important. I told him I needed to get my phone from the living room. He said to please listen first. Then he proceeded to tell me that he is bisexual and has been cheating on me with another man for six months. Even went so far as to invite the guy to the house and have sex with him and take photos of it in our bed several times while I was at work. There were lots of details that I won't go into, but I was lied to repeatedly for six months.

 

Apparently, the relationship turned sour and after a few months my husband realized that it was toxic. The other man was very controlling and jealous of my husbands refusal to give me up permanently. My husband tried to stop the relationship and the guy threatened to tell, so it continued. During this time the man found a way to befriend me over social media.

 

My husband said the dishonesty was eating him, and especially the relationship. He called it off for good the night he told me. On my phone the other man had sent me all the photos and a slew of text messages between them, where my husband is madly in love with him telling him things like, "Yes, she's next to but you know all I want is you and I won't be happy til I find a way we can live together", etc.

 

So, I need advice.

 

We have three kids. I'm plain and would probably be alone for the rest of my life if I leave him. He loves me in a very deep way; we've been through a lot together. I suggested an open marriage. I think I can deal with him having a side relationship as long as we agree on parameters -- number one, honesty. I don't want to expect him to go through life sexually frustrated.

 

I'm very open minded to possibilities, but I don't know where I'm going anymore. I feel scared, sad, lonely, understanding of him, betrayed, and confused.

 

Am I about to open Pandora's box?

 

 

If you allow him to have an open marriage, how will any of that change? What is it going to take for you feel valued, respected and loved? That is the course you need to determine. That fact your husband is bi-sexual and cheated with a guy has no importance other than you wont know which sex he will cheat with the next time.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Simple Logic

[NTV]

Yes you are about to open Pandora's box. This is not how one goes into an open relationship. This is not good for the kids.

 

You have the pain of infidelity that will hit you harder than you've ever thought but are in shock right now.

 

I suggest the first thing you do is buy a journal or diary if you you don't do that already it will help. .. or I mean it helped me when my wife cheated.

[stillafool]

Pandora's box has already been opened by your husband. I just couldn't have sex with a man who was having sex with another man. IMHO he needs you and his kids as his beard and will not give that up. It sounds like he is in love with this man but too much of a coward to admit he is homosexual and leave to pursue that lifestyle. Just because you consider your self plain does not mean another man won't want you. Look around, not everyone is married to models and movie stars. You should also be afraid of diseases he could bring home to you. He is very disrespectful having sex in your marital bed and taking pictures. I would kick him out of my life.

[Soxfaninfl]

I don't want to expect him to go through life sexually frustrated.

 

Your husband is a very lucky man. I wish my wife was like you, but she is not. That is why I plan to leave her.

[viatori patuit]

I am not sure what you mean by plain. There are 7 billion people here. How could you not expect to find someone else?

[Galleria]

Rather than multi-quote I will try to answer all of the questions here:

 

As far as leaving him, I love him immensely. I feel a divorce would be a knee-jerk reaction. If we ever divorce it will be because I am releasing him for his happiness. Though it hurts, I’ve come to realize since my original post that I’d rather have a part of him than a whole lot of somebody else. I’d rather share him than lose him. He is also an amazing father and I don’t know if our sexual incompatibility justifies denying my kids this. I really want to make a sane and logic decision, but I’m sure there are aspects that I’m not seeing from my angle either.

 

At this moment my husband doesn’t want anything. He said after all this he can’t even think of sex right now. He wants to be with only me. I’m the one who suggested an open relationship – for both of us – as I want to have the boundaries in place so we don’t decide things as they arise when we are thinking with our sex drives rather than our brains. He said he that he does not want another relationship ever, maybe a friend with benefits type thing. This relationship was very toxic. The other man was insanely jealous wouldn’t let my husband see any of his friends, wanted to know where he was constantly, tried to get him to leave us actively saying the kids are not that young (5,8,11), regularly throwing in his face that he still has feelings for me, etc..

 

Someone asked about our sex life. I’ve always suspected that my husband was bi-. We have a particular history. We grew up in a closed religious cult where being gay was considered WAY worse than being a pedophile. Not forgivable vs. forgivable. Naturally, it was suppressed. In this group you got married and had kids young. We were strongly encouraged to get married and with limited choices – no outside marriage – we were happy about it. We did fall deeply in love, and we’ve always had sex. It varies. Sometimes every day or more, other times once or twice a week. But I knew he had homosexual tendencies as well; he was in denial. He is not effeminate. We’ve gone through a lot together, not least of which leaving the cult which means cutting off all our ties to family and friends and starting life from scratch after having three kids, no money, no job history, no documented education, etc..

 

My husband is really good looking. We’re a young couple. Guys and girls always look at him. All my girlfriends tell me how hot he is. I’m regular. I’ve had kids. Need I say more? Though the possibility of an open marriage would be double sided I would be surprised if there was action on my end. I’m also a one guy girl. When I see nude guys in films I always compare them negatively to my husband.

 

I must add that he wasn't looking for a partner the guy pursued him. It's not the sex that hurt me, but the deceit. I told him he has my full trust again, but if it is ever broken it will be lost forever. I do not make the same mistakes twice.

 

All of this is new to us. Has anyone been in a similar place and come through successfully? Are there ways to satisfy the gay man in him sexually if an open marriage is Pandora’s box?

Edited April 23, 2017 by Galleria

[Cephalopod]

Open marriages only work for the woman. You will be scoring five times as many partners as him, and he will grow to hate you for it.

[Friskyone4u]

Open marriages only work for the woman. You will be scoring five times as many partners as him, and he will grow to hate you for it.

 

Galleria,

 

You are taking a sane and rational approach to this but you do need to read the above post sent to you.

It seems like you are OK with your husband pursuing his bi tendencies with other men, but you need to make sure that if you officially call this an open marriage that your husband understands that while at present you have no intentions of having sex with other men at some time in the future that may change and will he accept it???

There is a difference in being blind sided as you have been with all the deceit issues involved from having your husband openly telling you he has a different boyfriend or is going out on a sex date with someone.

Open relationship have the same problems as monogamous ones. Agreements and boundaries are overstepped, rules changed , and feelings change.

 

There are a lot of men that have no clue what they are getting in to in an open relationship. The above poster said it correctly. If YOU accept that you are in an open relationship and start to want to explore, you are going to have many more opportunities than your husband. He needs to know he may have to deal with that.

 

You may want to read two books called "Opening Up", and "more Than Two" if you are really considering this. A lot of questions will be answered.

 

If I were you I would keep thinking calmly like you appear to be before making any decisions.

[Overtaxed]

Open marriages only work for the woman. You will be scoring five times as many partners as him, and he will grow to hate you for it.

 

This is 100% in hetero relationships. However, if the husband is bi and wants to open the marriage with other men (for him), then it's no longer true, gay men can have NSA sex as easily as women, perhaps easier if they are at all in shape/good looking.

 

For a hetero couple, what you said is dead on. The only way a man will ever keep up with an even marginally attractive woman is to use prostitutes/semi-pros (sugar babies, etc). If ever place into that situation (wife wanting to open marriage) I can't see agreeing to it without allowing for paid sex (on my side), without you're basically just cosigning your wife sleeping with other men while you sit at home and watch TV. Which some guys might be into, but, know what you're signing up for. Even if you (the guy) are stunningly handsome and rich, you'll never be able to put in the time with the other women required to really build up a steady supply of sex without neglecting your wife/family terribly. For a woman, finding a new sex partner takes about 15 minutes; go to a bar any night, chat someone up, ask to leave with them. Very short time investment, perhaps even lower than a man actually calling and "doing the deed" with a professional.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m the one who suggested an open relationship – for both of us – as I want to have the boundaries in place so we don’t decide things as they arise when we are thinking with our sex drives rather than our brains.

 

I'll offer a gentle reminder that, being married to each other, you had boundaries in place before - how'd that work ?

 

Though the possibility of an open marriage would be double sided I would be surprised if there was action on my end. I’m also a one guy girl. When I see nude guys in films I always compare them negatively to my husband.

 

Rather than an open marriage, what you're really proposing is giving him permission to cheat.

 

Think about the logistics. You're going to sit at home with the kids while he hooks up, wondering who he's with and what they're doing? And while this goes on, maintain a regular sex life with him?

 

Doubt it would hold up in the cold light of day...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Open marriages only work for the woman. You will be scoring five times as many partners as him, and he will grow to hate you for it.

 

He will not be looking for women, he will be looking for men and NSA sex is very easy to come by in the gay community.

 

There were also no conventional signs of infidelity: emotional distance, disappearing acts, strange phone calls in the middle of the night. In fact, we spoke before he left the office every day. On his way home, he'd stop at some random guy's house whom he'd met online, unzip, get a blow job, then pick up milk before he came home, always at the same time. Is Your Boyfriend Secretly Gay?

The "mistake" the husband made here was getting into a relationship with a very possessive man as opposed to just getting NSA sex from guys.

[elaine567]

Open relationships work well for people who are naturally polygamous, who naturally seek variety and who can usually separate love from sex.

 

The naturally monogamous who attempt this, are bound to fail.

The "sacrificing" partner is in hell whilst their one and only partner is out exploring other people and getting close to other people.

OR on the other side the monogamous man or woman cast out to seek solace elsewhere will be naturally drawn to other monogamous types and that will often sound the death knell to the relationship as they get too invested in the new person, OR they will find their new found freedom very attractive and will be actively seeking a new partner.

 

"I can't get sex from you, but I can get sex from her/him, and he/she is very affectionate too and understands me, (we conversely as a married couple are growing apart) and I think I love him/her..."

 

I guess your husband out in the gay world was naturally attracted to monogamous men and hence that is why it all turned into a mess, with a guy who thought your husband felt the same for him as he felt for your husband and didn't want to share him.

[somanymistakes]

This is 100% in hetero relationships. However, if the husband is bi and wants to open the marriage with other men (for him), then it's no longer true, gay men can have NSA sex as easily as women, perhaps easier if they are at all in shape/good looking.

 

For a hetero couple, what you said is dead on. The only way a man will ever keep up with an even marginally attractive woman is to use prostitutes/semi-pros (sugar babies, etc). If ever place into that situation (wife wanting to open marriage) I can't see agreeing to it without allowing for paid sex (on my side), without you're basically just cosigning your wife sleeping with other men while you sit at home and watch TV.

 

Not everyone has the time to go out and bang five guys a night you know

 

I don't know ANYONE in the kind of 'open' marriage sexual olympics you describe (although it's possible they just don't talk about it). I do know plenty of poly people and the majority of the time in my experience that works out as one married couple at the center, with each member of that couple possibly having ONE other boyfriend/girlfriend, who sometimes lives with them.