Lazy/a slob....or depressed?

[Nothingtolose]

Some of you may have read my threads about the issues I have with my live-in partner of 2 years and how I'm moving out to live on my own again and our relationship is hanging by a thread/ likely coming to an end soon.

 

I don't want to go over our relationship issues on this thread specifically, as I've already done so in the other threads, but am interested in hearing people's opinions about some of his behaviours.

 

My partner is a man, 35, smokes weed daily, drinks 2-3 beers every night (probably more on weekends). He has a general apathetic approach towards most things in his life - his career, his health, his family, his environment, his relationships. One could say it's caused by the drinking and smoking, but I also wonder if the main reason he wants to drink and smoke is to numb himself of the real issues at play (chicken or the egg situation, probably).

 

He has been either laid off or fired several times in his life, twice in the 2 years we've been together. Sometimes when it happens, he will go without work for close to a year, due to simply not looking properly and seeing it as a 'vacation' and then just lives off unemployment money. He's often blamed his managers, the work, and all sorts of external factors as the reason for being let go, but he's also admitted that he starts off at a job motivated, then gradually loses motivation over time and stops caring. He doesn't know why or how to change it. I understand this as I also get bored quickly at jobs, but I still perform enough to not let myself get fired, or start looking for another job before it happens.

 

His lack of motivation/energy spills into every area of his life, not just his career. He's a slob and simply does not care about his home or environment. He'll leave beer cans everywhere, trim his beard in the sink and not rinse it, eat a sandwich in bed and throw the paper bag on the floor, even though there is a bin right next to his bed. If I don't nag him to help with the dishes, the dishes could sit there for a month and he won't even notice or care. I know a lot of guys are slobs, but still...I have never dated anyone like this.

 

He hasn't done his taxes in 4 years, I've asked him to get the papers together and give them to me and I'll get them sorted with my accountant...been asking him for months, and he won't even do that. He's had this pain on his arm for close to a year and now that arm is almost losing feeling/going numb, and only now he has gone to get proper tests at the doctor. He's finally agreed to go to counselling, but it's been a month and he hasn't booked a session yet. I could go and book that for him as I know he would go, but I'm tired of taking on the mother role in his life.

 

Has anyone experienced this or dealt with a partner like this? I'm pretty sure he's been depressed for years and has gotten used to just feeling that way, but sometimes I also wonder if that's just his personality, someone who gives zero ****s about himself, his health, his career, and everything around him. Is it possible for someone to just feel a deep level of apathy towards life, and not be clinically depressed?

 

I feel sad because even though I'm almost sure our relationship can't be salvaged, I still care about him and want to help, but I really don't know how.

[NTV]

Sure. He could be depressed. I've also seen some instances of potheads not having ambitious or motivation. Or he could be a lazy slob. He could have been raised that way. He could have not been raised that way but bucked even effort by his parents to teach him.

 

Ultimately though you can't do anything about it. And he's a grown man who knows how take care of himself even if he chooses not to. He's not a charity case.

 

There's a song by stabbing westward called 'Save yourself'. Heard it recently?

[Nothingtolose]

Sure. He could be depressed. I've also seen some instances of potheads not having ambitious or motivation. Or he could be a lazy slob. He could have been raised that way. He could have not been raised that way but bucked even effort by his parents to teach him.

 

Ultimately though you can't do anything about it. And he's a grown man who knows how take care of himself even if he chooses not to. He's not a charity case.

 

There's a song by stabbing westward called 'Save yourself'. Heard it recently?

 

Yes, I understand all of that. My goal with this thread in particular was not to hear the usual 'leave him' spiel. I'm nearly there already. I know he's a grown man and I can't be his mother or save him.

 

The thing I'm looking for is to UNDERSTAND. I've always been a go-getter. I've moved countries 4 times, left jobs when I wasn't happy, left unhappy relationships (even though this particular one I'm struggling to leave because the feelings are stronger). I don't have a history of addictions, or addictive tendencies. When I smoked cigarettes and decided I wanted to quit, I quit. Sure, sometimes I leave my clothes in a bit of a mess, or dishes in the sink, but not for weeks or months on end. Sometimes I get down with life and unmotivated, but I pick myself back up - even if that requires some counselling/professional help.

 

I have a hard time understanding or relating to people like him. This complete apathy towards life, just boggles my mind. Maybe because I lost a mother to cancer (she was only 33 and I was a baby), I have a deep appreciation for life, even though life can suck at times. So I have a hard time 'accepting' people like that, and I tend to get judgemental.

 

Sometimes I feel guilty for being judgemental - I wonder if it's the depression and he just can't help himself. He's not a bad person, he's also quite an intelligent guy too, and I'd like to see him succeed even if we're not together anymore. I was just looking to hear the perspective of people who may feel this way or dealt with people who acted this way.

[What-2-Do]

this guy is self-destructive. He's got some serious issues and has a lacking work ethic. I'm surprised you've stayed with him for as long as you have. Move on and don't look back.

[Almond_Joy]

My bf is also apathetic, but his apathy doesn't seem to stem from sadness or trauma. He has career aspirations(and has kept his job with no issue for years), pursues his needs for socialization, and thoroughly enjoys his hobbies consistently.

 

The housekeeping thing is a never ending battle, but he does take care to groom himself.

 

I didn't really get it either, and I spent many years judging him because I convinced myself he had to be deliberately choosing to operate this way.

 

I've had some short light depressive episodes over the years, but I'm recently coming out of a long period of depression, nearly a year. Looking back, I can see I operated in many of the ways he does. Based on my experience, I choose to understand the apathy as a manifestation of depression. He told me he was diagnosed with it many years ago before he met me, but that he got treatment and hasn't exhibited the symptoms of depression he used to since.

 

I think a clinical diagnosis of depression is not a one time battle, it's something that comes back in waves and has to be managed. I never registered my "bad periods" as depression, and I haven't been clinically diagnosed. But when I look at how I am in those bad times and how he is most of the time, I don't see much difference. And I understand it takes a lot to come out of depressive episodes, even when you really want to and you can see something's wrong.

 

So like I said, my personal experience wasn't very heavy, and my bf's state isn't as severe as your partner's. But that may be somewhere to start. In his case maybe nothing happenned, he just has a chemical imbalance and that's permanent.

 

Of course a clinical diagnosis is the safest approach to verify this if you think this may be something to explore. Me, I started looking at natural supplements, because I don't have money to buy pharmaceutical antidepressants, and the side effects of anti-depressants scare the s**t out of me. Tryptophan, 5htp, tyrosine, and GABA are the most common supplements I found in my research and are supposed to help with serotonin production/mood stability. I think you can get a month's supply bottle of any of them for like $20, they usually take anywhere from a few days to 3 weeks to kick in if you take them regularly at the right dosage.

 

Ultimately, he's gotta decide he wants to change and stick with it. That's the only way anything will work. If he keeps giving up or shutting down nothing will change.