Manipulative Wife

[wing81]

I find myself being manipulated more and more. There is always something I should do better or more often usually at my expense. I no longer respons to emotional outburst which seem to result to more severe and longer last episodes. Always turns out it would have been easier to give in at the beginning.

 

This past weekend I feel a major line was crossed and not sure how to comeback from if at all. We had a family reunion with relatives at which she told my dad that I had an affair. This was surprising, confusing, and infuriating all at the same time. I have never cheated on her in the seven years we have been together and her only insecurities come from me working late a couple times a month and weekend sports activities.

 

I confronted her on this and got a variety of responses in 10 minutes. First she didnt say that, what she said is she wondered if I was having an affair. Then she said she didnt lie necause she thought i was having an affair. After she said she was trying to ger my dad to talk with me about how i was screwing up and trying to get through to me. Finally she said I am the one who lied because 10 years ago i slept with a married woman. She changed the subject to moving on to how mich my family doesnt like her after realizing I wasnt buying it.

 

I dont know what to do at this point and get the impression her tactics will only get more extreme. She has already stated she refuses to apologize or set the record straight with thos she told. If it were not for our young children I think it would be a much easier. If anyine has any tips, advice, or suggestions I could use them.

[AMarriedMan]

I find myself being manipulated more and more. There is always something I should do better or more often usually at my expense. I no longer respons to emotional outburst which seem to result to more severe and longer last episodes. Always turns out it would have been easier to give in at the beginning.

 

When did this manipulative behavior start? Were you always manipulated in your relationship with your wife?

 

This past weekend I feel a major line was crossed and not sure how to comeback from if at all. We had a family reunion with relatives at which she told my dad that I had an affair. This was surprising, confusing, and infuriating all at the same time. I have never cheated on her in the seven years we have been together and her only insecurities come from me working late a couple times a month and weekend sports activities.

 

 

Have you told your dad your wife was delusional?

 

I confronted her on this and got a variety of responses in 10 minutes. First she didnt say that, what she said is she wondered if I was having an affair. Then she said she didnt lie necause she thought i was having an affair. After she said she was trying to ger my dad to talk with me about how i was screwing up and trying to get through to me. Finally she said I am the one who lied because 10 years ago i slept with a married woman. She changed the subject to moving on to how mich my family doesnt like her after realizing I wasnt buying it.

 

I dont know what to do at this point and get the impression her tactics will only get more extreme. She has already stated she refuses to apologize or set the record straight with thos she told. If it were not for our young children I think it would be a much easier. If anyine has any tips, advice, or suggestions I could use them.

 

I have had to deal with craziness from women but never that bad. How young are your children?

[GorillaTheater]

We had a family reunion with relatives at which she told my dad that I had an affair.

 

 

She has already stated she refuses to apologize or set the record straight with thos she told.

 

 

This seems so remarkably disordered that I looked into your other threads. It looks like you've struggled for a while with various issues, both personally and in your marriage.

 

 

I see where you both were in counseling. Are you still going, and if not what happened? Did either of you get any insights from counseling?

 

 

I don't know, man. You both have problems, her with abusive behavior and you with spending so much of your time walking on eggshells and trying to appease her. That sort of dynamic is toxic and unsustainable. If you aren't making or didn't make progress with the counseling, I don't know that there are options beyond divorce. It will suck and it will hurt and who knows what additional grief she'll put you through in the process, but it may be the only way to save yourself.

 

 

I'm sorry, wish I had better advice.

[NTV]

Dude. she's setting the stage for filing for divorce. Probably already seeing another dude.

 

Do you get that if you don't find a lawyer and get the legal lowdown quick that you're gonna be giving her hundreds of dollars in child support that she will use on purses and shoes instead of the kids?

 

Do you get that rolling over and taking this just shows the kids that they should put up with this kinda treatment too? That your future son/daughter-in-law will be just like your wife in how they treat your kids?

 

Would your mom or dad put up with this crap? If your best friend came to you with this problem would you advise him to suck it up and continue to take it?

[wing81]

Think the manipulation has been going on the whole time but only came realize it in the past year. My dad know better and has tried to political with responses as to not make things worse without taking her side. Our kids are 5 and 2 with the youngest having a disability.

 

We have not been to counseling in a few months and was usually about how i was messing up. If i brought up issues she would storm out or threaten leave the session. Ended up before going I would have to promise not to bring up things i didnt like that she had done between sessions.

 

I know i have my own issues and getting additional support for myself. It seems that while it has made me more aware it has caused more conflict in our relationship as i try to set my own boundaries.

 

NTV,

I have been told the same before and would never want my kids to end up in a relationship like this with anyone. I also dont want them to have to fend for themselves around her and her personality. I have spoken to a lawyer about some options and have done some prep as a backup. I do not believe she is seeing anyone and the thought of divorce scares her as she would have more responsibilities.

[GorillaTheater]

I have spoken to a lawyer about some options and have done some prep as a backup.

 

 

Good to hear. Is she employed?

[NTV]

I do not believe she is seeing anyone and the thought of divorce scares her as she would have more responsibilities.

 

 

Yes, and it scares you because she might tell the kids lies and try to turn them against you and just generally mess their heads all up. Right?

 

I agree with the last poster on getting her to start working if she isn't yet. If she's playing drama magnet at work then that's less risk of her crazy impacting the kids. Also better for potential divorce.

 

I get it. But you're living in fear and walking on eggshells. It's not sustainable.

[wing81]

She is currently not working. She wants to start working and hopefully she will follow through. Yes, divorce does scare me but can imagine better quality time with kids if it goes that route. It is not sustainable but I am hopefully she will do what she says in terms of getting help for herself.

[curiouslysearching]

She is currently not working. She wants to start working and hopefully she will follow through. Yes, divorce does scare me but can imagine better quality time with kids if it goes that route. It is not sustainable but I am hopefully she will do what she says in terms of getting help for herself.

 

Hopefully, she will Wing. To call someone manipulative is quite harsh and

in many cases not justified. Often, the accused is unaware that their actions or words are viewed as manipulative and maybe discussing it (which I know you

have) is the best route initially.

[Cephalopod]

I read your other threads.

 

Your wife is a psycho. Divorce her.

[NTV]

I read your other threads.

 

Your wife is a psycho. Divorce her.

 

She is but this guy wants what's best for his kids. Having a sane mom beats having a crazy one any day. I just hope him spending the time and money on such a long shot pans out.

 

Wing, I want you to consider just how alimony works where you are. The longer your married the greater risk you have of giving he lifetime alimony. I also want you to get some documentation whenever she says she can't work for all the reasons she says she can't. I'm gonna bet that happens next.... and One of those lies may be something your attorney can use to say why her time with the kids should be monitored.

[mikeylo]

Realizing that she is manipulating you can help you deal with each manipulative action with some skill. Your therapist can teach you. That is the only way I see for you to be able to survive if you choose to stay married.

[NTV]

Realizing that she is manipulating you can help you deal with each manipulative action with some skill. Your therapist can teach you. That is the only way I see for you to be able to survive if you choose to stay married.

 

Exactly. Also there's a book caller's top walking on eggshells' that could help.

[wing81]

Thanks everyone. I have done my legal research and documented incidents for future reference. I will check out the book and try to develop those skills.

[Telemachus]

Saying she's manipulating you doesn't make it so. It may be true, but you provided not one single example of it in your posting.

 

It doesn't follow that if she criticizes you or says something false about you that's manipulation. You have to actually do something you wouldn't otherwise have done and that is against your judgment to do, because of her actions. That's totally absent from your posting.

 

She said that you had an affair. That's how you described it. You did participate in an affair: you wrote that you had sex with a married woman. Even if you weren't married at the time and didn't cheat on your wife, you did have an affair. It's a common meaning, applied equally to both partners in the affair, even if only one of them is married at the time.

 

You're splitting the hair between fornication and adultery? The word "cheating" was not in your original description of what she said to your father.

 

Whatever she said, that doesn't mean that she should have said it, but your issue with it is that it was untrue. It may not have been precisely worded, but it's essentially true.

[georgia girl]

I am at a loss for words... if my husband had gone to one of my family members and accused me of cheating on them, I would totally lose it. That is incredibly cruel! To me, that is attacking who you are as a person.

 

I am not sure this relationship recovers. I know you have young children but it's better that you co-parent and they witness you in a healthy relationship eventually than to live your life that way. Other than accusing me of deliberately physically harming someone, this is the worst thing I can think of for someone to accuse me of.

 

Good luck.

[sandylee1]

Your wife sounds mentally unstable and insecure.

 

Did she only become this way after you got married?

 

Unless you stand up to her, she will continue to abuse you like this.

 

Having read (in your previous thread) that she would go as far as to file false claims against you, I'd be very careful her.

 

If you get to the point of wanting to leave the marriage, then try and do it as amicably as possible.

 

She threatened to punch your teeth out if you don't change it.. Simple response to that is "I'm sorry I don't make you happy as I am. I think it's best if we look at separating /ending things"

 

"I want you to be happy, it's obvious I don't make you as happy based on you saying xyz so many times"

 

I hate to say this, but your wife sounds like a nasty piece of work.

[Downtown]

I will check out the book and try to develop those skills.

Wing, I agree with Miss Peach who stated (in her 1/7/16 post over a year ago) that you're describing warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the behaviors you mention -- i.e., the bullying, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, irrational anger, and temper tantrums -- are classic red flags for BPD.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join NTV and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

By the way, the book that NTV recommended and that you intend to buy -- called Stop Walking on Eggshells -- is the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses of BPDers). Take care, Wing.

[wing81]

Downtown, thanks for the information. I have been researching and learning about personality disorders. There are some bpd traits but not sure if that truely describes her. Her immediatelt family also appears to have a variety of personality disorders as well so not hard to imagine her debeloping her own. Regardless she has some personality disorder that both of us need help dealing with together and alone. I know it isnt neccessarily ideal but is giving her a list of things i feel she needs to do for us to stay together worth the fight it will cause?

[Downtown]

I find myself being manipulated more and more.

Due to their strong fears, BPDers tend to be extremely controlling. And sometimes they will try to be manipulative -- but they generally are not any good at it, with the result that you will see their manipulation efforts coming from a mile away. To be successful, manipulation requires careful planning and flawless execution. BPDers are terrible at the "flawless execution" part. Because they lack impulse control and cannot manage their own emotions, BPDers will quickly abandon their well-laid plans and react to whatever intense feeling they are experiencing at this very moment.

 

I have been researching and learning about personality disorders.

Wing, it's good that you're reading about the ten PDs. If your W exhibits strong traits of one PD, she likely exhibits strong traits of at least one other PD too. If she has full-blown BPD, for example, there is a 72% chance she also exhibits one or two other full-blown PDs as well. On top of that, there is an 81% chance she has a full-blown anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD, panic disorder, or social phobia) and an 80% chance she has a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar or depression). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

Is giving her a list of things i feel she needs to do for us to stay together worth the fight it will cause?

Perhaps so, if she exhibits only mild to moderate BPD traits. If her BPD traits are strong, however, it is extremely unlikely she will remain in therapy long enough to make a real difference in her behavior. By "extremely unlikely" I mean the chance likely is 1% or less (although I've seen no studies supporting any particular figure). I say this because it is rare for a BPDer to have both the self awareness and ego strength required to be willing to stay in therapy long enough. This is sad because most major cities offer excellent BPD treatment programs (e.g., CBT and DBT) that are helpful if the BPDer will work hard in them for several years at least.

 

Even if a BPDer remains in therapy for a long time -- as my BPDer exW did for 15 years -- there is no guarantee of success. There is a good chance she will only play mind games with the therapist. Moreover, as soon as one therapist starts to see what she is doing, she will switch to another therapist. In 15 years of weekly therapy sessions, my exW went through six different psychologists/psychiatrists and 3 MCs. It did not make a dent in her dysfunctional behaviors. Not one dent. But it takes years for the abused spouse to figure that out. Like a smoker who is throwing away the "last pack" every two months, a BPDer typically will be seen making dramatic improvements every 6 to 8 months. That's how emotionally unstable people behave. Even a roller coaster is seen moving upward -- making dramatic gains -- half the time.