When you have different social personalities

[rushed]

For the most part, my boyfriend and I have similar personalities. We're pretty introverted and easy-going. However, in social situations we differ. I can adapt and easily engage with people I don't know. When I'm around people I like I can stay out all night. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is more reserved and seems to get overwhelmed/tired more easily. We've left parties and concerts early because he was ready to go (which he's always let me know in the most politest of ways).

 

A coworker invited me to come help her celebrate her birthday this Saturday at a bar where they will be watching Game 3 of the Warriors versus Portland. I'm a huge Warriors fan so that sounds like fun to me. This coworker and I started our jobs on the same day and we've been out to lunch together several times. However, we don't work in the same department and have never seen each other outside of work (not counting lunch). So this is also a great opportunity to build on our friendship (as I'm sure a lot of you know it's really hard to make new friends as you get older).

 

Of course I'm going to ask my boyfriend to come with me. However, I don't think he'd be happy there for very long. He doesn't care about basketball. And since it's a playoff game on a Saturday night the place is going to be packed. I like to mingle and talk to people. But with my boyfriend there, I'd feel bad leaving his side. Also, I'm sure he'd want to leave early as well.

 

What do I do?

[basil67]

Give him the option to go home without you. That's how my husband and I manage things when I'm tired and want to go home but staying out is important to him. Of course, he doesn't stay out without me frequently.

 

Or when you invite him tell him "this will be happening, I will probably be staying late. Are you interested in joining us?" If he's not interested, he can politely decline.

[carhill]

Sounds like a work-social gig so IMO make the offer, welcome him if he is interested in the whole smash, else no worries, you'll snuggle in when you get home.

 

I ran into this kind of stuff when married and mostly adapted but when things were too different we solved by using separate vehicles. ExW worked in town so I'd drive in for events and head out if/when I got tired or had other stuff to do and she'd head home when finished. Worked out pretty well.

 

Since no two people are alike, IMO the key is respecting and accepting each others differences, within healthy boundaries of course.

 

I was a long-time (decades) Lakers fan but now moving to Oregon, heh, go Portland. My health insurer owns the arena...

 

Enjoy the game!

[Cephalopod]

You have to give each other the space and trust to do your own things without each other once in a while.

 

Like Carhill says, as long as healthy, mutually agreed-upon boundaries are in place there is no reason the two of you cannot pursue interests outside your relationship with other friends and acquaintances. A relationship should never be a prison.

 

The woman I have been dating exclusively for the past few years has very few things in common with me. She is phlegmatic and outgoing while I, like your boyfriend, am much more of a homebody. I would rather stay home doing my hobbies or working out than go on birdwatching trips or doing 10k runs. She is a big group person while I am a solitary guy with a small circle of buddies I hang with three or four times a month.

 

It works for us because we approach our relationship with more of a "no pressure" attitude, and because we accept each other's differences. When we do get together we do activities that we discovered or developed together, and these are usually activities that neither of us would probably do alone, but thouroughly enjoy doing together.

Edited April 20, 2017 by Cephalopod

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, this sounds like the sort of thing he would find highly uncomfortable. Best to invite him in a way that allows him to leave without you when he's had enough, or even to just "stop in to say hello" rather than fully attending.

[Overtaxed]

Yeah, this sounds like the sort of thing he would find highly uncomfortable. Best to invite him in a way that allows him to leave without you when he's had enough, or even to just "stop in to say hello" rather than fully attending.

 

I'm very much like how you describe your partner, I do "social stuff" as my job (dinners with clients, entertaining others) and the thought of doing it when I get home is exhausting to me. I feel like I'm constantly acting (which I am when I'm doing it for work) and trying to get people to like me; and, as an introvert, it's uncomfortable for me to be in large social settings anyway. Especially when it's really noisy (like a bar during a game), I hate screaming all night to have conversations with people that are typically 100% meaningless.

 

My wife is also pretty introverted, but she does enjoy this stuff more than I do; so we do it from time to time (typically parties at another couples house, sometimes going out for dinner, etc). It's not typically "fun" for me, but I do enjoy being with her, so it's also not as bad as it would be if I had to do it for work. We will typically leave early (I won't drink when I'm out and, because most people do, by 2 hours in, the volume level has gone from "loud" to "heavy metal concert", by that point I just totally give up on trying to have a meaningful conversation) and I do my best to have a good time.

 

It's simply the difference between introverts and extroverts; as an introvert, it's tiring for me to be in social settings; as an extrovert, it recharges and refreshes them. Simply a place you'll have to learn to compromise; it's not the end of the world, trust me, if you'd do it for work (which I do), why not do it for the person you love?

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't invite him. If he asks why I'd tell him why.

[d0nnivain]

Invite him but tell him he doesn't have to come & if he does come, be very attentive to him in appreciation of him doing this thing he's not crazy about but give him the option to go home without you without consequences.

 

 

My husband is less social then I am. I often go out without him. He's happy to stay home & pick me up later. Sometimes I'm the one who wants to stay home.

 

 

A friend's husband is OK socializing at home but doesn't like bars or traveling so they entertain in a lot or she goes out alone.

 

 

Being in a relationship -- dating or marriage -- means you spend time with each other. It does not mean you are joined at the hip. You still get to be an individual.

[Telemachus]

The game's tomorrow, and you posted a couple of days ago, so by now you've probably decided whether and how to invite him.

 

I like the idea offered in one of the first answers of him being invited to go, with the understanding that, if he does go, he'll leave anytime he wants.

 

Backing-up to the beginning of your posting, you describe your personality as "pretty introverted", like his. However, the more detailed description of adapting, engaging with people you don't know, mingling, and staying out all night doesn't describe an introvert at all. It's probable that you're not nearly as introverted, by nature, as you think you are.

 

Some introverts can, by discipline, learn to do these things, but they're exhausting, not energizing. The fact that you enjoy these things indicates that you're closer to the extrovert end of the continuum.

[Overtaxed]

The game's tomorrow, and you posted a couple of days ago, so by now you've probably decided whether and how to invite him.

 

I like the idea offered in one of the first answers of him being invited to go, with the understanding that, if he does go, he'll leave anytime he wants.

 

Backing-up to the beginning of your posting, you describe your personality as "pretty introverted", like his. However, the more detailed description of adapting, engaging with people you don't know, mingling, and staying out all night doesn't describe an introvert at all. It's probable that you're not nearly as introverted, by nature, as you think you are.

 

Some introverts can, by discipline, learn to do these things, but they're exhausting, not energizing. The fact that you enjoy these things indicates that you're closer to the extrovert end of the continuum.

 

Perfect description. Shy is not the same as introverted (although they often do run together). But there are shy people who love to be around groups of people, they're just shy. There are also (probably more) shy people who are introverts and are acting "shy" because they are recharging their batteries in a social setting.

 

And there are people like me, an introvert, who if you met me somewhere, you'd never guess. I was always the "life of the party". I meet people, I go out of my way to shake hands and make sure everyone is having fun. I can be loud and boisterous. Almost nobody would describe me as shy. And yet, I find those kinds of situations exhausting and would FAR prefer to be home with my wife riding our bikes together or working in the yard.

[rushed]

The game's tomorrow, and you posted a couple of days ago, so by now you've probably decided whether and how to invite him.

 

I like the idea offered in one of the first answers of him being invited to go, with the understanding that, if he does go, he'll leave anytime he wants.

 

Backing-up to the beginning of your posting, you describe your personality as "pretty introverted", like his. However, the more detailed description of adapting, engaging with people you don't know, mingling, and staying out all night doesn't describe an introvert at all. It's probable that you're not nearly as introverted, by nature, as you think you are.

 

Some introverts can, by discipline, learn to do these things, but they're exhausting, not energizing. The fact that you enjoy these things indicates that you're closer to the extrovert end of the continuum.

 

Your post and Overtaxed's last post makes me wonder if I'm just a shy extrovert now. lol I love being around people, but it's not something I'd choose to do everyday. Maybe once every other week would be good. No, once a month would be good thinking about it now. Yeah, I think I'm an introvert with just a few extrovert tendencies. I used to be extremely shy when I was younger. I recently took a quiz with my daughter and when I chose shy as an answer to one of the questions, my daughter looked at me crazy and said, "You're not shy!" It was the weirdest revelation.

[rushed]

As an update, I told my boyfriend about the event coming up, gave him all the details, and invited him to come, no pressure. He politely declined. I told him the invitation is open if he changes his mind.