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Should I stay or should I go?


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i need some advice with my marriage

ill make this brief

 

i have been married for less than a year. my parents still dont know im married but i think they figured it out. they dont approve of my husband based on his educational level. he has a bachelors and ive got a graduate degree. he started a graduate degree program a year ago which he does part time . he does not work

 

the issues are:

he drinks , more heavily than i realized when we were dating

 

he smokes weed, its air to him

 

he has super wealthy parents who 'support' him, giving him a free apartment in a nice part of the city, a car, all utilities , he got into a habit of always asking them for cash when he wanted it; and they gave it to him. until i asked them to stop doing this

 

this has caused him to resent me. he says im stressing him out when i say i dont want to live off his parents charity and buy our own house(i have enough money to afford us a decent house). i also dont like that most of my things are in storage. i want him to finish school by going full time and getting a real job. he is going even slower with school.

 

to make matters worse, his dad recently groped me.when i told my husband about it, he was upset but at the same asked if i 'could get over it' and also questioned if i was making the whole thing to get us to move out of his apartment faster.

 

i love my husband but we are getting into constant arguments about me not wanting him to depend on his parents generosity, i also feel that by putting me in a position of depending on others. he says he doesnt want money from me, has a hard time accepting that we should be independent of his parents. i make more than he does, and he doesnt like me paying for stuff

 

we both really want this to work but ill ask you what you think

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somanymistakes

Not gonna touch on the drinking/weed part myself because it's not something I have personal experience with.

 

When it comes to money, though, I can see how from his point of view he's dependent on other people's funds EITHER WAY, at this point. His parents money or your money, it's still someone else supporting him, but at least if it's his parents' money he can feel like he's offering you something. If he lets go of that he has to face up to the fact that he is contributing basically nothing to this relationship (Well, unless he does housework. Does he do housework? If not, give him the stinkeye from me.)

 

I think you two need to talk about what you want long term before settling the immediate situation of his parents money and where to live. What does he want out of life? Is he willing to have a fulltime job after he graduates? If not, are you okay with that? What does he want to do and how is he going about it? What are your dealbreakers when it comes to future plans?

 

His dad being handsy is a serious problem and you're right that taking money from them may make his dad feel more entitled.

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I would say that you married too young and you made a poor choice.

 

You married a man who does not want to accept the responsibility of adulthood and has addiction issues. You have a lot of conflict in your relationship, and this is supposed to be the "honeymoon phase" of your marriage.

 

You are living in his parents home and his father clearly has poor boundaries of what is acceptable behavior. The fact that your husband hasn't stood up for you, but asked you to "get over it" is not good.

 

And, you have lied to your parents. They are right to be concerned because you have made a very poor choice with your life.

 

I don't see this relationship working out to be your happily ever after, too many HUGE red flags... Sorry.

Edited by BaileyB
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hi bailey

 

husband has told me not to tell my parents we are married until he is done with school. i told him i wanted to tell them but he said 'he was reading his audience'

 

we are in our mid 30s so im not sure if you are referring to our actual ages. i feel that im being a responsible adult but he is not

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I'm not saying that you are not responsible, but he is definitely not holding up his end of the bargain. If anything, I think you have made a poor decision for a life partner.

 

When I read your post, I see substance abuse, financial issues, conflict in the marriage, conflict with your families... These are all things that are most likely to contribute to an unhappy marriage and/or end a marriage - and you have them all!

 

Think seriously about this. What do you want for your life and just what are you willing to accept...

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he does housework, thats what is so strange, he loves doing stuff around the house

 

but he also likes to have his dad's workers do house assignments like installing ac units, he does not want me to clean the apartment, saying he can get one of these workers to do it.

 

his dads (FIL)behavior is a complete shock to me. both of his parents are very supportive of me trying to get my husband on his own two feet. i was trying to get my FIL to tell the cost of a car repair and he wouldnt tell me, thats when all the touching happened. FIL's mother is actively dying and this is adding more stress to husband. my husband's initial reaction to this was anger , saying 'he will make it right'. i didnt bother to see how will accomplish that, but the other day when he asked me if i could 'get over' it, i said i could not.

 

 

im really intent on buying a house so that we can live on our own, but hubs seems to dragging his heels on this. i told him, i need the house for our tax deductions which makes him more alert as to why we need this but i dont want any 'help' from his parents. ive made it very clear that i have enough money for the purchase to do this on my own

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husband has told me not to tell my parents we are married until he is done with school. i told him i wanted to tell them but he said 'he was reading his audience'

 

Of course, they are not going to like him because he is spoiled, financially dependent on his parents, and he has substance abuse problems. I would assume that your parents want the best for you and they see the situation for what it is... Your husband sees the situation for what it is too...

 

If he is in his mid-30's, he's old enough to have his life together and behave like a responsible adult - whether he is still in school, or not.

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SaveYourHeart

How bad is the drinking? If he's an alcoholic, it will only get worse. It's a progressive disease and it will destroy everything you love.

 

The groping is unacceptable, and your husband and you should address that with the FIL immediately. You don't just "get over it" you have to hit it head on.

 

He sounds spoiled and unreliable. I think you should go, but you have to make that decision on your own.

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I'm not saying that you are not responsible, but he is definitely not holding up his end of the bargain. If anything, I think you have made a poor decision for a life partner.

 

When I read your post, I see substance abuse, financial issues, conflict in the marriage, conflict with your families... These are all things that are most likely to contribute to an unhappy marriage and/or end a marriage - and you have them all!

 

Think seriously about this. What do you want for your life and just what are you willing to accept...

 

that may be the case, he said he would change(ie going to school, getting a job). he wanted to get married before these things occurred. when he got into school, i said ok lets do it. we were doing a long distance thing, as i worked/lived 2 hrs away at the time. now that ive been under the same roof, im noticing all the drinking, i didnt realize that before. i did know about the pot, but he seemed to be functioning through it

 

my parents didnt approve of him for a bunch of different reasons. my dad refused to even meet him and calls him an 'idiot' because he went to med school and dropped out. he want me to marry a doctor(im a doctor) and thinks my husband and i 'dont match at all'. my mom wants someone who 'can stand on his own two feet' and think husband is just a dependant of his parents. i didnt realize she was right on this. they dont like that we are living in his apartment. my mom is strongly pushing me to buy a house and get out.

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How bad is the drinking? If he's an alcoholic, it will only get worse. It's a progressive disease and it will destroy everything you love.

 

The groping is unacceptable, and your husband and you should address that with the FIL immediately. You don't just "get over it" you have to hit it head on.

 

He sounds spoiled and unreliable. I think you should go, but you have to make that decision on your own.

 

 

its bad. last week alone: i would say he had easily over 20 servings of alcohol. when we met he used to be into just beer. but i like liquor not beerso i nver drank it when we went out, and im not a big drinker. so over the past year he has gotten into liquor since that is what i keep at home. usually a pint of gin or whatever is gone in less than 3 weeks.

 

i have talked to him about counseling . his parents want him to go to a therapist and his sisters want him to go to inpatient rehab. he will not go to anything, i asked him to go to a marriage counselor and he refuses

 

i hear you on 'going'. i hate giving up on the relationship since ive helped him so much and we still love and care about each other.

 

interestingly, now that his granny is dying, he hasnt been drinking or using weed, thats just been for a day or so. i thought that would be the catalyst to him drinking more etc

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SaveYourHeart

Girl RUN. My husband started drinking heavily two months after we got married and I can't find it in me to leave him. Alcoholism has destroyed the both of us. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone, it will only get worse.

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Of course, they are not going to like him because he is spoiled, financially dependent on his parents, and he has substance abuse problems. I would assume that your parents want the best for you and they see the situation for what it is... Your husband sees the situation for what it is too...

 

If he is in his mid-30's, he's old enough to have his life together and behave like a responsible adult - whether he is still in school, or not.

 

my parents dont know about the substance abuse stuff, at least i dont think so. my mom has mentioned that when a person doesnt have much to do with their time, they can get into some bad habits. maybe thats what she was referring too

 

hes spoiled, i called him a brat several times, he seems to either not 'get it' or just ignoring what im saying

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Girl RUN. My husband started drinking heavily two months after we got married and I can't find it in me to leave him. Alcoholism has destroyed the both of us. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone, it will only get worse.

 

 

 

i really wish he would dump me, i hate rejecting him. i feel it will make him drink more

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SaveYourHeart
i really wish he would dump me, i hate rejecting him. i feel it will make him drink more

I know the feeling. Remember that you are not responsible for the choices he makes, any reaction from him is his own doing. You didn't force him to pick up the bottle and you can't force him to put it down. Do what's best for you.

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If neither of you wants to split up, then you can stay together - it is, in that sense, salvageable. If either one of you wants to split up, then you can divorce. All it takes is one.

 

Marital property and divorce settlement laws vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction; however, it doesn't appear that he gave up anything, such as a career or his own education, when you got married. Monetary gifts from his parents are not income that he gave up, and his parents could resume paying him any time they choose. Considering that, after one year of marriage and no children, you should expect a clean break. You aren't going to owe him anything, unless he he wants to fight it out in court over money and you're willing to agree to his terms just to end it more quickly.

 

In other words, if he doesn't want to fight over money/property, you both walk away as you walked in - not owing the other much of anything. If he wants to fight over money/property, and you do also, then the result will be the same, but it'll take longer and your legal bills will be larger. The only way he'll get anything is if he wants to fight and you aren't willing to do so.

 

Honestly, you seem like a very ill-suited couple in the first place. If you don't like the situation, can't together manage to improve it, and end up separating and divorcing, then you both failed.

 

If you can't make this work: don't get pregnant by him; find your own place to live; be the first to file the divorce petition; and then tell your parents. They're going to find out anyway.

 

Regarding his father's groping, that's very much a side issue. My two recommendations there are to either never be in the same room with him again, or to carry a small blade at all times and be prepared to stab him in the hand when he does it. You can buy a small plastic-sheathed paring knife in any grocery store for $5. It won't kill him, and he'll get the message when you stick him with it. I favor the former, but the latter is legitimate.

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i really wish he would dump me, i hate rejecting him. i feel it will make him drink more

 

Thats on him if he does! You're the one you need to look out for. Listen to your mom and get out. Guy's like this rarely change.

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I know the feeling. Remember that you are not responsible for the choices he makes, any reaction from him is his own doing. You didn't force him to pick up the bottle and you can't force him to put it down. Do what's best for you.

 

 

 

i want this to work, i think he does too but this FIL groping me seems to have him think he has to choose his family or me. i pointed out that he didnt see me as his 'family'. he didnt really have much of a response to that

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Thats on him if he does! You're the one you need to look out for. Listen to your mom and get out. Guy's like this rarely change.

 

 

 

i know but i would feel very guilty

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You wouldn't pay alimony for a marriage less than a year. Look into the rules. Also if less than a year an annulment is easier and quicker than a divorce. That won't be an option for long though.

 

He isn't ready to grow up and you are... you didn't know that when you said your vows?

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You wouldn't pay alimony for a marriage less than a year. Look into the rules. Also if less than a year an annulment is easier and quicker than a divorce. That won't be an option for long though.

 

He isn't ready to grow up and you are... you didn't know that when you said your vows?

 

he is in school, at the time he was starting full time, then dropped to part time, he says he will get a job, he says school is hard but hes doing well...even if it is just part time, takes him longer to finish

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Should I stay or should I go?

 

My experience here has indicated that, 99% of the time, when someone poses a question like this, they already know the answer. They just have haven't quite accepted it.

 

You're not in the 1%...

 

Mr. Lucky

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i really wish he would dump me, i hate rejecting him. i feel it will make him drink more

 

That is the absolute worst reason to stay with someone. You say that you are responsible, but this is not a mature or responsible way to live your life.

 

You can not be responsible for someone else's sobriety.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you - you have a wonderful career and you have the resources you need to really enjoy your life. You can't even begin to imagine the wonderful things that will happen for you in the future - but it won't happen if you attach yourself to a man who has a significant problem with alcohol and uses drugs.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, I am better than this and I want more for my life. If you can get an annulment, it would be for the best. It's important to protect your own health and wellbeing, and your financial interests, as best you can.

Edited by BaileyB
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That is the absolute worst reason to stay with someone. You say that you are responsible, but this is not a mature or responsible way to live your life.

 

You can not be responsible for someone else's sobriety.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you - you have a wonderful career and you have the resources you need to really enjoy your life. You can't even begin to imagine the wonderful things that will happen for you in the future - but it won't happen if you attach yourself to a man who has a significant problem with alcohol and uses drugs.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, I am better than this and I want more for my life. If you can get an annulment, it would be for the best. It's important to protect your own health and wellbeing, and your financial interests, as best you can.

 

 

i dont disagree with you

 

here are my problems if im going to self analyze

1. i still love him, and , im pretty sure, he loves me

2. i see 'potential' for him to get his act together. obviously most ppl on here would vehemently contradict me. he has actually said he wants me around more (i have been travelling for work for the past few mos) so thought he doesnt have a reason to drink. he said he wont stop pot. when i asked him about the drinking, he said it has increased since i moved in with him. so i said to him 'if im making you miserable and stressed out, i am the source of your drinking '. then he said no, its not all my fault

3. i have been putting more 'pressure' on him to take classes full time so he can finish sooner and get a job. this has been a 'sore subject' to put it mildly

4. i have been putting more 'pressure' on him to have us buy a house . since im the one earning and with massive savings, i can afford to buy us a reasonably 'nice' house. he is very against this. he has said he wants to buy a lot/land then build a custom house. that means moving into this custom house will take even longer. i want a home of our own, because i dont like the idea of leaving in housing subsidized by his parents, he of course has been doing that for almost 10 years and sees no issues at all. i also have informed him that we need to reduce our tax burden and so having a house would help with this alot. he then went on another tangent about buying commercial real estate and how he didnt want to give a home builder a profit for buying a 'turn key' house which was newly constructed. im trying to explain to him that a)i am really tired from work and life and i dont have the energy, time or patience to do a custom house and neither does he b) i dont enough cash to build the type of 'estate' he envisions c) i dont want his parents contributing a penny to our home purchase

5. i asked his parents, when we got married, not to give him any money.and they have stuck to this, aside from giving the apartment and car. he really resents me for this. his parents said they will leave the money in a trust to his siblings and he wont get anything. his parents are trying to push him to get off pot/alcohol and go to school full time . he thinks we are all in collusion against him

6. my parents dont like him. i think they would like him if he were more 'normal'

7. he wants us to be 'normal', which tells me he wants to have a happy, balanced life

 

however, i do hear all of you guys when u say throw in the towel already but im not ready, i dont want to bring this up to him again, because my nerves probably cant handle another argument so i want him to bring it up

 

have you listened to that song 'paris' by the chainsmokers? i hate the group but all of a sudden that song has a new meaning to me, aside from being filler music

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Your parents do not dislike him because he had less education than you. You know that are just using that as an excuse to make them look judgemental.

 

The reason they don't like him is because he is a slacker and is an entitled, spoiled, selfish, lazy, unemployed, drunken, stoner, Peter Pan who is a mommy and daddy's boy who marries women in secret and hides in the shadows from her parents and makes her lie to family to cover up being with him.

 

That is why they do not like him and they are correct for feeling that way.

 

He isn't any good and will cause you much grief and suffering. Do not get pregnant. If you chose to ruin your own life with this man-child, that is your prerogative. But do not subject an innocent child to having this Failure-To-Launch ner'do well to this for a father.

 

If you think he is an irresponsible slacker now, just wait until there is another mouth to feed that will dependent on you two as parents.

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Oh and do NOTdiscuss buying a house or any kind of property with him any more either.

 

You want to be working on getting away from him and NOT having any more legal or financial ties with him.

 

If you get a house with him, the burden will be on you for all of the mortgage, utilities, taxes, insurance etc etc and it will be your credit rating et al that will take the hit.

 

And since you vastly out earn him and have a higher degree of education than him and since you have been supporting him, when you do get a divorce, you will have to pay him spousal support.

 

The more you support him and the longer you are married, the greater your spousal support burden will be.

 

His parents money and support will likely not be factored in to the equation by the court since he is an adult and they no longer are legal obligated to him.

 

However a supporting spouse, you might very well be considered obligated to support him for a period of time since he has been an unemployed student during your marriage.

 

He may very well be living in a swanky apartment and driving a sports car and dressing in Italian suits on his parents dime, but still getting a monthly support check from you if you aren't careful.

 

You need to wise up here real fast here and stop thinking with your nether-regions.

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