Jump to content

Same house same goes separate lives


Recommended Posts

TruthBritold

Hello all,

Been in my current relationship for 12 years married for 4 share 2 kids and he has 2 outside kids. I noticed there is a clear disconnect in our relationship. When I come in he goes out. Our lives pertains to kids bills and food other than that he has his friends, his trips, his life. I have threatened to leave 3xs in 12 years left 1 and still nothing. We can't and don't talk without someone always bring wrong I go to counseling he doesn't. I don't know how to get my head around us being together but not together than maybe I can stop expecting so much from him and I won't complain or nag which might help us go through the motions with ease. Anyone else experience this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why do you HAVE to be together and also a part? It sounds like this hurts you as it would hurt most people. I think you need to give him an ultimatum that he needs to either be 50/50 in trying to work on things with you or get out. You don't have to suffer through this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Been in my current relationship for 12 years married for 4 share 2 kids and he has 2 outside kids. I noticed there is a clear disconnect in our relationship. When I come in he goes out. Our lives pertains to kids bills and food other than that he has his friends, his trips, his life. I have threatened to leave 3xs in 12 years left 1 and still nothing.

 

Doesn't sound like he's going to change :( .

 

I'd give it one last shot, make an appointment for MC and tell him, "if you're interested in staying in the relationship, better be there".

 

If he says "no", that's a pretty clear answer. And it makes your choices somewhat simpler too. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there a reason you need to share a roof with him?

 

Any reason you couldn't do this from your own place and live your own life from your own house?

 

You're already living seperate lives, any reason other than someone helping with the household bills that you couldn't get your own place?

 

If you can afford it, I wouldn't even mess with ultimatums and counseling. That would just be an additional expense and bill.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Superchicken

Move on.

You have a finite life on this earth.

You need to see how wonderfull it is to have someone to share your life.

Its not under this "Nutshell", so try one of the other three.

Keep looking for your mate.

 

 

Ted.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon

I am currently going through the same situation as you.

12 year relationship. We are not married but have been engaged for a while.

I have 2 grown kids from a prior marriage. He has no kids. We get along pretty well and do not fight too much. We used to be a team but in the last 4-5 years things have started to decline. We are in many ways, very different with very different views on what makes each of us happy. I thought that over the years we would grow together and learn to care for each other, but the opposite has happened. He goes out and does his hobbies while I am saddled with all the responsibilities of providing for our household. I don't much like to do the things he likes and anytime we do do something together, we end up disagreeing and the mood just sours.

In the past he was very open to talking about our relationship and he would make the effort if I told him I was unhappy and needed change. But now he just pretends to have a conversation with me to get it over with but does not make any effort in the relationship.

I did very recently have a talk with him and told him that our life together felt very empty. He agreed and is making some effort so it is a little better. I am still on the fence hence why I am here.

 

Anyway, as to your problem, the emotional side of the equation is that ultimately you need to be happy and feel that your emotional needs are met. In order for you to get your emotional needs met, you have to first learn to love yourself and second communicate your need to your man. Third, you have to be strong (because you love yourself), and leave the relationship if there is no follow through. Only you can set the boundaries with your man as to how you should be treated. Taking a break and leaving the relationship is the only way to break the habits that you both have formed. Taking some time away will help both of you to decide what your priorities are and to initiate change. If you stay or don't challenge him and stand up for what you need, then nothing is going to change.

 

The logistical side of kids and financial independence is another issue, just don't use it as an excuse or crutch as to why you cannot leave. In my view, it can always be done.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Love is reinforced through actions. Make yourself pretend to be interested in his life even if you aren't. Go through the motions. Be nice to each other. Eventually (hopefully) you'll start to take a genuine interest in him again, and he you. Treat him like you just met him and you want to know all about him again. Smack his ass every day, make out randomly even if you don't feel like it. You have to act like a young couple if you want any chance of feeling like one.

 

I don't see how people live like this. It's got to be incredibly uncomfortable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...