Husband disappointed in me

[immatureWife]

I am about to hit forty and I got married for the second time 8 months back. We didn't date much before we got married. Two days after our marriage my hubby tells me that he was under the impression that I was a very mature person but apparently I was like a five year old. This was probably because I tend to baby talk and act like a child when I get intimate with someone. When he had first said it I didn't take it too seriously. After a few months of our marriage I also quit my job. I hated it and thought I would take a break. I think that further added to his disappointment. He thought he was marrying this mature independent strong working woman, and now he realizes that I am none of that. Gradually he began to detach himself and from time to time he implied that he was disappointment in a lot of things about me. We used to have a lot of sex in the beginning, but gradually he seems to have lost his attraction. But he is a really great husband, he is soft spoken, caring, tries his best to make me happy. I was the bitchy one at the beginning, would keep him up all night to watch movies and sometimes I would even wake him up to play chess with me. You see, I suffer from insomnia and can't sleep at night. I also used to yell a lot and said stuff that hurt him. At one point he started developing a resentment (he admitted it oneday, it kind of slipped) and then I moved out. And then we had a lot of discussions, I apologized, I asked him what I could do so he could get past his resentment, and I told him to give our marriage another shot and to try our best - but only if he still loved me, wanted me and needed me like in the beginning. To that he said that he needed some time to think (part of that thinking was asking himself if he really loved me), that we shouldn't communicate for three days, and after that he'll get back to me with an answer. The next day he texted me that he did love me and that we should give it another shot and to try our best. So now we are both trying our best. I no longer fight with him or say anything that might hurt him (I did fight a lot in the beginning), I am actually going to bed when it's bedtime, I try not to baby-talk and act mature (although I fail at this from time to time). This is all good because it is helping me grow, and it's about time I grew up and started acting my age and it really is helping me become a better person. He is also trying very hard to be loving and caring and affectionate. But this is the problem I am having: trying to be the girl of his dreams is stressing me out and it makes me sad when I can tell that I am not the girl of his dreams. Believe me when I say I am not imagining it. I feel that he is not really happy. And the biggest problem is, we have almost stopped having sex unless I initiate it. He says he'll see a doctor but I doubt he has any physical problem. He cuddles me at night, kisses me, but it all feels very platonic. It feels like he is doing it because I expect him to and he is giving this marriage "his best shot". But he definitely isn't attracted anymore. I am partly at fault because even in bed I didn't perform or do stuff that he expected me to do. Examples: he would slap me and call me dirty names until one day I told him (not nicely) not to call me that ever again. He liked doing it in front of the mirror while I kept telling him how uncomfortable it made me (please don't laugh). I guess he expects me to be dirty in the bedroom (which man doesn't?) while I still dwell in the era where love making would be romantic with music playing in the background and a lot of foreplay, etc etc (you get my point). Well now I wish we could go back in time and he would call me names and slap me. If you have read my entire post, thank you very much for you patience. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Simple Logic]

What would you be thinking if right after you were married your husband quit his job because he hated it and put all the financial burden on you? Then kept you up all night so he was tired all day at work? Yes, getting employed would go a long way in your marriage.

 

You seem to be at great odds in the bedroom because it a wide valley between him calling you names and you calling him teddy bear. You might try a night of roll play now and then where your playing a part he likes.

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[disbelief]

Heres what i think, and this is coming from a guy

 

Firstly if you dont want to be called names there is nothing wrong with that ( any guy that truly loves his girl wont want to call her names anyway, unless he has issues )

 

Second if you want to talk all cute in a baby voice and snuggle you should be able to! I personally would love it.

 

This kind of sounds like hes trying to make you somthing your not.

 

Dont go down the path of believeing hes the only one for you. Theres plenty of fish out there that would love your quirks.

 

It sounds like you two are mis matched to me.

 

Hope that helps.

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Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[basil67]

Yes, I can see why your behaviour is a total turn off to him. And I can see why you don't like his behaviour either.

 

How did the two of you end up getting married barely knowing each other? Why was he under the illusion that you behaved like a mature woman? And how did you not know about his bedroom preferences?

 

Unless you hid your immaturity and he hid his kink, this doesn't make sense.

 

Can you get the marriage annulled?

[Arieswoman]

OP,

 

Any suggestions?

 

grow up and get divorced - this is just not fixable.

[elaine567]

You are both pretending to be something you are not in order to make this sham of a marriage work.

 

As you say you didn't date a lot prior to marriage, so you neither of you got to know the real people behind the façade.

The façade that everyone hides behind in a new relationship. The façade that needs to be removed before anyone agrees to long term commitment.

 

Here the soft spoken, caring man which you assumed was going to be a romantic lover, reciting love poems and be into "making love" to soft music, has turned out to like demeaning you, humiliating you and slapping you about in bed.

 

He is now willing to turn into that "lover" for you, and you are willing to accept the bdsm kink for him, but that is not how either of you are, and so it feels forced and not real, as basically it isn't.

It is not sustainable long term.

Neither of you will be really happy here.

 

He has expressed his "disappointment" in you too, and that rings a few alarm bells.

It was all so wonderful and no doubt you got swept away, but some people will love bomb, and then systematically tear their partner apart.

There are usually three phases, the idealisation, the devaluation and then the discarding.

I guess, if that is what is going on, you are now in the devaluation phase.

Read this : https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/love-bombing-a-seductive-manipulative-technique/

[immatureWife]

What would you be thinking if right after you were married your husband quit his job because he hated it and put all the financial burden on you? Then kept you up all night so he was tired all day at work? Yes, getting employed would go a long way in your marriage.

 

You seem to be at great odds in the bedroom because it a wide valley between him calling you names and you calling him teddy bear. You might try a night of roll play now and then where your playing a part he likes.

 

Thank you all for your kind replies. Actually one of the reasons that I gave up my job is because I own an apartment and also have another source of income. I have lately taken a lot of interest in photography and I am really enjoying it. I just needed a break from that job and do something that I really enjoy doing. It is not like I have been financially burdening my husband or anything. I let go off my chauffeur so I won't have to ask him for any financial help.

 

I do admit I was at fault for keeping him up all night. I apologized for it and don't do it anymore.

 

And like I said, I wouldn't mind if he started calling me names again. But it's like I cannot get him to be attracted to me anymore. I just don't know what to do. That's why I asked for help and suggestions.

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are very mismatched. You probably should have taken more time to get to know each other before you married. It doesn't sound like a happy marriage for either at this point...

[d0nnivain]

Marriage is a partnership. You are supposed to be a team. That means you act in tandem.

 

 

Since he isn't crazy about the baby talk, you were right to tone it down. Didn't he know about this before you married? Perhaps your baby talk in the bedroom reads too much like pedophilia for his tastes. Given the fact that he clearly likes some aspects of BDSM (hitting you & calling you names) I'm not sure why he's not all over the Daddy dom thing. Talk to him about why he's so against it. You seem to be doing it out of affection. Try to find a way to express that affection that you both enjoy.

 

 

If you have insomnia, get up & go in a different room to watch TV & play chess on your computer. He shouldn't have to stay up all night because you want to. You also don't have to go to bed because he said it's bed time. DH needs less sleep then I do. Some nights I'll ask him to cuddle me while I fall asleep. I'm usually out fast so he obliges then goes back to whatever he had been doing.

 

 

You quit your job without talking to him. Apparently you have enough money through real estate holdings to employ a chauffer but still in a marriage you don't make major life decisions without consulting the other person.

 

 

I think you could both benefit from a marriage counselor & possibly a sex therapist.

[NTV]

There's always a give and take in a marriage. It sounds like you've done the majority of the taking. If I were him I would feel used and bamboozled.

 

Like others have said marriage is a partnership. I can see how he thinks you are immature. I can also see how that you are working on it. But there's two different parts of that work you gotta keep separate. The first part is actually Being mature. The second part is convincing him you are. Neither one is easy. The reason I bring up the difference is because if the relationship doesn't last you don't need to convince him any longer but you won't want to backtrack either. Ya know?

 

Congrats on getting the insomnia treated! I have a family member with it and it wrecked his life. It's no easy thing to get squared away so definitely be proud that you did.

 

 

You're probably going to need to give more to get the marriage back on track. As a dude what I want most in a relationship is attention. Especially sexual attention. I can never get enough. It sounds like you want that from your husband as much as he wants it from you but you both want different ways of getting it. That's not always a bad thing if you guys can keep a balance between the two. In fact variety makes it funner. Right now though it sounds like those scales are tilted way in your favor.

 

I share quite a bit in my interest in sexual practices that your husband seems to prefer. If you want a couple of ideas for trying to tilt the scales back in his favor, here are a few....

 

Keep in mind that you're going to want to text him or leave a voice mail to get his anticipation up for when he comes home from work. 'Hey I have a surprise for you when you get home. A very sexy one.' Would be enough.

 

From there you could go with:

-A couple black lights, neon underwear, music, his favorite beer on the side table, and then one or more lapdances. Don't tell me you don't know how to do one either. ... they're surprisingly similar to when you would make out and dry hump as teenagers, just with a strip tease in at the start and you gotta be on top.

 

-Call for help from a back room when he gets in and when he comes to find you, your pretending to have your hands tied up (standing up ass towards the door) wearing some tight leather crotchless outfit. 'Thank god your here! I've been waiting for you to come f*ck me! Please I need it so bad!'

 

-he comes home to find you cooking in nothing but heels and an apron. You serve him some food and then slip under the table to blow him while he eats.

 

-go to the movies (pretend you want to see something neither of you really give a crap about) then sit in the back give him an old fashioned hand job. Maybe more..

 

-Meet him at his car when he gets off work wear something sexy with a skirt but not blatantly obvious. Say you wanted to ride home with him because you wanted to show him something. Let him do the talking for the first few minutes. ... Then masturbate on the ride home. If you finish before he gets home move on to giving him road head.

 

Those are just ideas. Maybe you have better ones already. Goal is to make him feel like king Kong during sex. That's why he likes the mirror. He can look in it and think 'damn this hot sexy chick is letting me plow her right now! I gotta see it to believe it! '

 

Really who doesn't want to feel like they're awesome when the get laid? Well I guess there's the whole degradation focused folks but hey lol. I said I might think a little like your hubby so I hope it helps. You could tell him you have the car masturbatory fantasy and see if it's okay with him to carry out. If so you know the others will work and it opens the door to get into both his and your real fantasies. If he doesn't like the idea well it wasn't really yours to begin with so you've lost nothing.

[mikeylo]

You rushed into getting married, without knowing each other.

 

Its important to go through both good and tough times to actually know if you guys can make it long term or not.You did the good part ( 8 months was just that ) and then started the conflict.

 

Either ride it out and see if you can make it work or divorce.

[Nothingtolose]

OP, I'm a woman and I've dumped guys in the past (not boyfriends, just short flings) because they'd baby talk to me. I'm sorry to say, but I personally find it a real turn off and cannot move past it.

 

If your husband feels the same way as me, I understand the lack of attraction. I know people are saying you two are mismatched but it sounds like you want to make this work, so my advice would be to slowly brings his attraction back by bringing out your best sexy self. You don't need to force it, but imagine yourself as a sexy, sensual, hot woman and act like one - no baby talk of any kind in this equation. Wear something nice/silky, try role play (you may have to initiate it), give him amazing head...you get the idea. Just don't do anything that would make you feel really uncomfortable or degraded, please.

 

Good luck

[GunslingerRoland]

I just can't imagine any situation where I would up and quit a job without consulting my spouse. It just baffles me. That is a huge life decision to just make on your own on a whim.

 

As for the sex stuff, it's hardly abnormal for the woman to prefer a little more romance, and the man to prefer a little more dirtiness in the bedroom. Most couples are able to compromise and make it work. I'm not sure why it's become such a show stopper now for you guys, when it didn't come up during dating. Can't you be dirty one night, and the wife who gets showered with affection and all the pleasure she can handle the next?

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[immatureWife]

I just can't imagine any situation where I would up and quit a job without consulting my spouse. It just baffles me. That is a huge life decision to just make on your own on a whim.

 

Of course I consulted him! He agreed to it although I did realize that he wasn't crazy about the idea. And even before our marriage I kept texting him one day from work about how miserable I was to which at one point he texted back that if I was so miserable I should just leave it. I guess he didn't realize that I would actually go along with it since I did hold a very high position at the largest NGO in the world and the pay was good too.

 

It really is beyond my understanding why I should have continued to do something that made me so miserable as long as I don't financially burden anyone, just to impress others. Life is short. If I can afford to, again, without being a financial burden to anyone, I should be allowed to quit something that makes me miserable. This basically sums up my philosophy of life: https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/37-things-youll-regret-when-youre-old

[d0nnivain]

You consulting him before quitting was not mentioned in the original post. We all jumped to the conclusion that he was mad because this was a surprise to him. It looked like you were a high wage earner then decided to check out & coast on your new husband's money. To the extent I thought you were behaving like a gold digger, I apologize.

 

 

If your husband knew you were miserable & you talked about you quitting, he has no room to complain now.

 

 

Do you have plans to seek other employment? Maybe he simply doesn't want to be married to somebody not in the work force, like he thinks you will get stale or no longer be interesting. Is that possible?

 

 

If you were miserable & could afford not to work, it was your choice.

[immatureWife]

You consulting him before quitting was not mentioned in the original post. We all jumped to the conclusion that he was mad because this was a surprise to him. It looked like you were a high wage earner then decided to check out & coast on your new husband's money. To the extent I thought you were behaving like a gold digger, I apologize.

 

 

If your husband knew you were miserable & you talked about you quitting, he has no room to complain now.

 

 

Do you have plans to seek other employment? Maybe he simply doesn't want to be married to somebody not in the work force, like he thinks you will get stale or no longer be interesting. Is that possible?

 

 

If you were miserable & could afford not to work, it was your choice.

 

Actually I am beginning to feel like he is the gold digger. I know I shouldn't be talking this way about my partner. But I inherited some property few years ago. I am beginning to feel more this way after I recently learned that in the event of my death he'll be getting all my property. Sometimes I feel like he saw this highly educated rich working woman and thought I was a good catch. So he decided to propose to me. The proposal was wonderful. He said nobody would love me the way that he did and nobody would make me as happy as he would. When I turned him down the first time, he started acting like the immature one making silly posts on his Facebook timeline. But then I gave it some thought and it seemed like this guy really does love me and he seems decent and nice so I shouldn't be too picky. Why I didn't sleep with him before our marriage? Because from where I come from, pre-marrital sex, even dating too much isn't approved of. But I really did start loving him after we got married because he was so nice and caring. Perhaps things started going downhill after I quit my job. Perhaps. But I am a fun loving person and when I am happy I am always doing something. Trying out a new recipe or pursuing a hobby (like painting or photography). I am also a tech genius, so I often help him out whenever he gets stuck with something techy. So no, I don't believe I can ever get stale or no longer be interesting.

 

What is maturity really? Is it to be serious? Is it to be adult like? Isn't it also accepting disappointments in life as well? Does a mature person tell his wife that he is no longer attracted to her because he doesn't like her personality? Okay I am getting carried away here so I'll stop...

[NTV]

You give any thought to my suggestions?

[stillafool]

The baby talk would turn me completely off. I hate when grown people talk like kids.

[d0nnivain]

Oh dear.

 

 

Perhaps he is the gold digger.

 

 

And now I understand why the sex issues are just coming up. You waited to have sex.

 

 

If you are that devote about the timing, are you equally strict about the irrevocable nature of vows? If so please get marriage counseling so you can perhaps find a middle ground. If you can't compromise, if you continue to feel he's the gold digger and most importantly if he continues to act in a way you find degrading the bedroom, separation may be your own answer. I would encourage effort to save the marriage 1st though.

[JuneL]

It has become a trend these days for those who can afford financially to take an extended break from work, and to explore or pursue something new or different in life. As long as you are financially independent and are making good use of your time away from work, this can indeed be a smart choice in the long run.

 

If you are not causing any financial burden and you stay an interesting person, then your not having a full-time job can be very beneficial to your hubby; for example, you have the time to try out a new recipe and cook a nice dinner, or plan a nice weekend trip, or develop a new hobby and get him interested, or do more household stuff.

 

Regarding the baby talk, it would have been a turn off if he were the one doing that. But I really see no harm for a woman to do that to her man every now and then.

 

You sound like a sweet woman deep down, even though you admitted that you were a little bitchy at the beginning. The most important thing is you are very reflective about your weaknesses and strengths, and is willing to work on improving your relationship. I would have a serious talk and communicate to him what you are willing to compromise (e.g., cut down on baby talk, stop waking him up to play chess with you, not to be as uptight about sex).

 

Do you have a plan regarding when to get a full-time job again?

[mikeylo]

Do you have kids ?

 

I don't see sex coming back for you.

 

Everyone wants a good life. Who doesn't ? Your actions sound more selfish than including him. The ship has sailed. If he is a gold digger, divorce him amicably. I guess he will be more than happy to divorce. It doesn't seem he is interested in the marriage anyways. Probably going through the motions out of convenience.

[mightycpa]

Were both of you married for the second time, or just you?

 

Either way, how could you let a marriage happen without knowing the person thoroughly? That's totally on you - you should have known better.

 

And maybe him too. Hard to tell.

[Cephalopod]

I am also a tech genius, so I often help him out whenever he gets stuck with something techy. So no, I don't believe I can ever get stale or no longer be interesting.

 

What is maturity really? Is it to be serious? Is it to be adult like? Isn't it also accepting disappointments in life as well? Does a mature person tell his wife that he is no longer attracted to her because he doesn't like her personality? Okay I am getting carried away here so I'll stop...

 

Have you ever had yourself tested for Asperger's Syndrome or ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)? It can lead to an inability to mature and socialize at a normal rate.

 

People with high IQs are often afflicted.

[Popsicle]

One of my friends is 60 yo and she baby talks everyone. I HATE it but her guy LOVES it. She is child-like and helpless with almost everything and it makes her seem young. Her guy is 8 years younger than her and loves that she is this way.

 

I think maybe you just have the wrong guy, or maybe when you get older, older men will love it to death because then they won't feel like they're with someone old.

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like you withheld sex from him until marriage, so he proposed to get you into bed, just to realize that you guys aren't sexually compatible at all.