Sensitive spouse - how to move forward

[Alcaline]

We have been in a relationship with myboyfriend for almost 7 years. He is 36 and I'm 40. Career is very important for him and I have moved abroad twice to follow him. I have a career too and luckily it has so far been flexible to move with him. Our relationship is generally speaking good and we care for each other very much, we have same values and enjoy similar things. Our everyday life is good, I’m mostly in charge of running the day to day life as my boyfriend is doing long hours including weekends. But I enjoy house work and cooking. I’m also independent so I get to do things what I enjoy and he encourages me to do so. I would like to take the relationship to the next level, after all, we have been together for a long time and I love him. I would like to get married and have children as I have time for them and before it is too late for me. This has been my dream forquite a few years now but there always seem to be some issue from his behalf. I know he also wants a family but he is unable to decide about us and there are some reason below.

 

 

We have had many conversations about the future in the recent past as I have clearly told him I need to know whether he would like to make a commitment to me. One of the issues is that my boyfriend carries a lot of resentment and bitterness with him over issues that for me are small and I have tried to understand and talk with him about this. In the recent past it has been pretty challenging as he gets angry and shouts and when I interrupt and ask him to calm down and talk to me kindly, he says I'm mean interrupting him. He has a right to do this. But I have difficulty listening him berating me and shouting, I don't want to be talked that manner.

 

 

When we met he had some resentment towards his ex-girlfriends and he was often worried I will disappoint him. Which I of course did not want to do intentionally but did every now and then. And over time the things have become more frequent. He has low self-esteem and was bullied at school because his weight when he was young. Also his mother is somewhat overpowering personality and his father is the only one who can do decisions in the family, big or small. I believe these and some other issues have contributed to my boyfriend’s feelings and behaviour. In his opinion, I have caused his feelings.

 

 

He gets very easily offended and has a need to talk over things, almost excessively. For example, yesterday we were walking in the city and I said I was tired and was not sure wanted to walk to the supermarket we planned to go earlier as it was pretty far. I said this in a tired/bored tone of voice. Immediately my boyfriend felt attacked and said I was rude and snapping this way is the very behaviour that is extremely hurtful to his feelings, why can’t I ever stop it. I tried to explain that I didn't mean anything bad and maybe he interpretedthings this way but I’m just tired. But nothing helped, he was already upset. After a while he seemed to be ok but once we got back home he had a need to discussabout my bad behaviour for two hours. He was raising his voice and sayingthings like if you cannot see what you did then there is no point of being together.

 

 

He also gets offended if I don't want to skype with his parents sometimes (they call each other about 3 times a week) which is also a reason for a lengthy discussions. In his opinion him and his parents are hurt by my rudeness which of course have never been my intention. Afterall, they are his parents and if he wants to call with them often, I’m just happy for him. And I would understand myself if he didn’t want to call with my parents sometimes, it’s no threat for me in any way.

 

 

Or in summer when I was not feeling well on a family holiday (I had a medical condition on the previous week and was in the hospital) and wanted to go to relax on the beach rather than meeting his parents one morning in their apartment. He took this as a personal attack and still mentions itoften during an argument how I was rude and refuse to make an effort towards his family and I hurt them by making issues like this although I should know by now what is at stake. Which I think is silly as I had come to a holiday specifically with them for a week despite of my health and every day we met and had time in the afternoon for lunch and dinner together.

 

 

He gets regularly upset like this over similar issues, carries the negative thoughts with him and claims he cannot move on unless I change my behaviour and stop this unhealthy pattern because it hurts him so deeply. These discussions with him take so much energy and I would rather enjoy life.

 

 

I have tried to discuss and suggested we try together to see behind the issues and then solve them. But he says me or no one else can tell him anything new as he has always been this way and if I just take him seriously, admit things and change my behavior he feels better and we could be happy. I have also encouraged him to take another perspective and see how much being bitter and angry is hurting himself but not much success. I think he uses these things in some level to avoid looking into himself and try to heal, and see that all of us have control only over ourselves. I know what he is asking from me is unrealistic and eventually I would do something again to hurt him no matter how much I tried. It makes me so sad to see him suffer because that is the last thing I want.

 

So, we are stuck in these circular conversations and I have started to doubt if I should even think about the future with a man like this. I'm not saying I don't have my stake in the issues and I know very well if I do something wrong and I apologize for it. But I feel I'm under the microscope and my behavior is always examined to the excess while he gets away taking responsibility because he feels a victim. What if something bigger happens? How would he react, I'm not sure.

 

 

Any suggestion how to support him and what could I do still? I want him to see I'm here because I love him and want to be nice to him not to hurt him, although sometimes I don't feel well or do things he would like me to. I consider myself a pretty rational person who gets along with everyone, I'm positive, kind and generous. But for some reason he doesn't see it.

[d0nnivain]

If you actually get a proposal, have a LONG engagement & seek premarital counseling. He needs to be less sensitive & you need to be able to identify his triggers (they apparently center on his parents) Before accepting an engagement make sure those apron strings have been cut.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

He gets very easily offended and has a need to talk over things, almost excessively. For example, yesterday we were walking in the city and I said I was tired and was not sure wanted to walk to the supermarket we planned to go earlier as it was pretty far. I said this in a tired/bored tone of voice. Immediately my boyfriend felt attacked and said I was rude and snapping this way is the very behaviour that is extremely hurtful to his feelings, why can’t I ever stop it. I tried to explain that I didn't mean anything bad and maybe he interpretedthings this way but I’m just tired. But nothing helped, he was already upset. After a while he seemed to be ok but once we got back home he had a need to discussabout my bad behaviour for two hours. He was raising his voice and sayingthings like if you cannot see what you did then there is no point of being together.

 

 

He also gets offended if I don't want to skype with his parents sometimes (they call each other about 3 times a week) which is also a reason for a lengthy discussions. In his opinion him and his parents are hurt by my rudeness which of course have never been my intention. Afterall, they are his parents and if he wants to call with them often, I’m just happy for him. And I would understand myself if he didn’t want to call with my parents sometimes, it’s no threat for me in any way.

 

 

Or in summer when I was not feeling well on a family holiday (I had a medical condition on the previous week and was in the hospital) and wanted to go to relax on the beach rather than meeting his parents one morning in their apartment. He took this as a personal attack and still mentions itoften during an argument how I was rude and refuse to make an effort towards his family and I hurt them by making issues like this although I should know by now what is at stake. Which I think is silly as I had come to a holiday specifically with them for a week despite of my health and every day we met and had time in the afternoon for lunch and dinner together.

 

 

 

Would not advise you whether or not to marry him - and doesn't seem certain he'll even ask.

 

But if you do tie the knot, do so with eyes open. Hoping he'll change this controlling behavior is an unrealistic expectation. The examples you give don't really matter, if it weren't these there would be some other way you let him down, hurt his feelings, destroyed his connection to you. It's just how he is.

 

My Dad used to say "we're all responsible for filling our own buckets". Seems to be a lesson your BF has yet to learn...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Telemachus]

I have never before seen a boyfriend referred to as a "spouse," as you did in the title of your posting.

 

You included this: "...I have clearly told him I need to know whether he would like to make a commitment to me." That isn't clear at all. It's subjunctive mood. What good would it be to you if he clearly stated that he would like to make a commitment? There's still no commitment. You're beating around the bush, and not being honest about it.

 

If you want to marry him, ask him to marry you. Propose marriage. If you want to condition it on an effort to have children within a certain period of time, express that condition. It's really that simple. He'll say "yes" or he'll say "no." You take it from there.

 

All of the other information in your posting about your interactions with him is largely unnecessary.

[NTV]

It sounds like the only reason you're putting up with all that is because you think leaving him would prevent you from having a marriage and kids.

 

Starting over is risky at that age if you want kids. That's a reasonable fear.

 

But however he treats you will be how he treats kids right?

[Alcaline]

I have never before seen a boyfriend referred to as a "spouse," as you did in the title of your posting.

 

You included this: "...I have clearly told him I need to know whether he would like to make a commitment to me." That isn't clear at all. It's subjunctive mood. What good would it be to you if he clearly stated that he would like to make a commitment? There's still no commitment. You're beating around the bush, and not being honest about it.

 

If you want to marry him, ask him to marry you. Propose marriage. If you want to condition it on an effort to have children within a certain period of time, express that condition. It's really that simple. He'll say "yes" or he'll say "no." You take it from there.

 

All of the other information in your posting about your interactions with him is largely unnecessary.

 

 

Telemachus - Sorry for the confusion, I refer him often as my spouse as he is my common-law spouse. Our cohabiting pretty much marriage like, we have a joint bank account, share an apartment and car. But of course technically we are not married.

 

 

And my saying I would like to know whether he wants to make commitment, I have asked exactly that, if he wants to marry me and also told clearly I want a family. I have told him already 3 years back I'm ready but then it was not possible for him because of his career. Again last fall I said I want to start the latest by this spring and us to make a decision about our future together. He says he wants a family too.

 

 

The point of the examples are on my first post were to give the reasons what he uses why he does not want to marry me or have kids. And I'm puzzled at times because for me they seem not so big issues at all. Of course for him they might be but my hunch is the issues he states have very little to do with me but more about his sensitivity and low self-esteem. Or maybe is inability to decide because he is afraid of commitment and he makes excuses. I don't know, and that´s the reason I would like to have some feedback before I take my own decision. I have plan B in place already.

[Alcaline]

It sounds like the only reason you're putting up with all that is because you think leaving him would prevent you from having a marriage and kids.

 

Starting over is risky at that age if you want kids. That's a reasonable fear.

 

But however he treats you will be how he treats kids right?

 

 

NTV - It is not that simple, I'm with him because I love him and after 7 years together I would like to know if the relationship could progress to the next level or not. And of course I want to get married and have kids but none of this is not really because of my age. The thing is, I can have kids on my own and meet a new man later. I'm have a good career and I'm financially stable and able to do this. Or I can decide not to have kids and marry someone else.

[Alcaline]

Would not advise you whether or not to marry him - and doesn't seem certain he'll even ask.

 

But if you do tie the knot, do so with eyes open. Hoping he'll change this controlling behavior is an unrealistic expectation. The examples you give don't really matter, if it weren't these there would be some other way you let him down, hurt his feelings, destroyed his connection to you. It's just how he is.

 

My Dad used to say "we're all responsible for filling our own buckets". Seems to be a lesson your BF has yet to learn...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thank you for the wise words, I agree with you.

[friendsforlife32]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are having a pretty tough time. It also sounds like you really want this relationship to work, but don’t seem to be getting very much support from your boyfriend. You appear to be able to see him much more clearly than it seems that he can see himself.

I am married to a man who does some of the things that you have described. He always blames me for everything and almost never sees any good in me. Frequently, he yells at me and makes me feel as if I am stupid and not worth his time. Such a relationship really takes a toll on you. You can begin to doubt yourself and your life begins to be about placating him and turning yourself inside out in order to please him. In reality, in my opinion, you can never please such a person.

You sound like you will be a wonderful wife and mother one day. My feeling is that he has a lot of work to do before he should get married. If he is willing to get help, and you are willing to wait while he gets help, and you really want a relationship with him, then, I think you should insist on counseling for both of you. If he does not want to go to counseling or consistently finds reasons NOT to go, I think that you may have some hard decisions before you.

You are fortunate that you see these things before marriage. There is a happier life for you, if you are willing to let this go and reach for someone who will work together with you .

I hope this works out for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm with him because I love him and after 7 years together I would like to know if the relationship could progress to the next level or not.

 

I have told him already 3 years back I'm ready

 

Doesn't three years of no response or action answer your question about the status of your relationship?

 

Square peg, meet round hole ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Alcaline]

Doesn't three years of no response or action answer your question about the status of your relationship?

 

Square peg, meet round hole ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

At the time, three years ago, we had to put any plans on hold because of my boyfriend´s career and move to abroad. There was simply no time then. However, that is not valid any longer and now there is more time, at least for me.

 

 

I'm so conflicted thinking maybe one of the reasons is that he simply isn't that into me then. But then he always wants to plan things ahead, is keen involving me in his life and we do tons of things together...

[Mr. Lucky]

we do tons of things together...

 

Everything except wedding planning.

 

Alcaline, I'm just stating the obvious, not trying to convince you one way or the other. Do with it what you will...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

In my opinion, he is not going to marry you. If he desired marriage with you he would have taken the steps to make it happen by now. I don't know if his "issues" with you are legitimate in his mind, or just an excuse for his feeling that you're not, for whatever reason, "the one", but it doesn't even matter because if he wanted to marry you, he would have made an effort to resolve them within himself. You should not be twisting yourself into a pretzel to get him to love you enough.

 

IMO his comments about wanting a family and making plans for the future with you don't mean anything as it relates to marriage. Some men (and women probably) are happy to stay with someone indefinitely knowing it will never lead to marriage. If he wanted marriage after 7 years together and at age 40 he would have made it happen. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you but you are not on the same page.

 

Given his issues, I don't know why you'd even want to marry him. He sounds exhausting and you would forever be walking on eggshells. What you are describing are not issues where IMO you have a lot of control to change things. It is primarily about his sensitivity and need for control, which he apparently does not think is a problem.

 

I hope you don't miss out on having children by staying with him and trying to please him. Get out now while you are still young and have other options.

Edited April 13, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[NTV]

I know that myself and a lot of other guys I know don't want marriage and family to be planned activities. It takes the occurring naturally part away. If that's the way he is maybe not worrying about whether you get pregnant or not will resolve the issue of family.

 

Doesn't resolve anger issues. Although maybe he changes with the responsibility of fatherhood. A lot of men do. Just giving alternative options if slim.

[HereNorThere]

He's not sensitive. The behavior you're describing is called emotional manipulation. His "sensitivity" is really just a tactic to keep you from being able to dissent. I've dated this personality type and it only gets worse. They learn exactly where your soft spots are and jab a hot poker in them the moment you have an opinion that differs from them.

 

There is no "agreeing to disagree" with these type of people. They will browbeat into submission over the smallest detail. You'll spend the rest of your life questioning yourself, values, motivations and eventually be left with nothing but a hollow shell being picked apart by vultures.

 

Please take some time to read up on this.

[mightycpa]

NTV - It is not that simple, I'm with him because I love him and after 7 years together I would like to know if the relationship could progress to the next level or not.

It is pretty simple, really. You may love him, but reading that first post, there's a lot about him you don't love. After you've been married for a while, the practical day-to-day things become very important. If you are who you are, and express what you're genuinely feeling about a situation, and he feels "attacked" by that, well, that will become intolerable for you, trust me. You can love somebody and be miserable. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

 

The other thing I'd say is that after seven years, you already know whether the relationship can progress to the next level. That it hasn't already tells you he's not anxious for that to happen. You don't want to face it, but it's right there in front of you. He's not a teenager. He's not in his twenties. He doesn't have the usual "my whole life is in front of me" feelings of doubt. Half his life is behind him, he's been with you seven years and he's still not sure if you're the right girl for him? I'm sure. You're not. I'm shocked you've waited this long.

[anika99]

I know exactly what you're going through regarding your boyfriend's "sensitive" feelings. I used to have a boyfriend just like him. We were also engaged and I thank God everyday that I never married him.

 

Oh yeah, I got put through the hours long discussions where he would go on and on about how hurt he was and it was all my fault. Things like wanting to spend some alone time with my sons or even just wanting some time to myself resulted in hours long lectures about what a selfish heartless bi!$h I was. He would tell me that I must be really screwed up in the head if I couldn't understand how awful and inexcusable my behaviour was. He also had so many sad stories about his childhood and his exes that pulled on my heartstrings. What he said about his childhood was true and did contribute to his mental problems but what he said about his exes was mostly lies as he was the problem in his romantic relationships.

 

I'll let you in on a little secret. Your boyfriend isn't sensitive, he's narcissistic and extremely self absorbed. Everything is about him and what he wants and how he feels. He has no consideration for you, he lacks empathy and is unable to see anything from your point of view. The whole world is supposed to revolve around him and he expects you to make him the centre of your universe at all times.

 

Do you seriously want to spend your whole life tip toeing around his "sensitive" little feelings? Constantly trying to please him and avoid doing and saying anything to set him off, only to find that no matter how hard you try it's never good enough and he gets set off anyways. Is that the kind of life you want for your future kids? My ex had borderline personality disorder but I think it was overlapped with narcissism. Read up on those two disorders. Your boyfriend may not be a full fledged borderline or narcissist but I bet you will see similarities. He would need intensive counselling for at least a year in order to change but first he would need to admit he has a problem and he isn't likely to do that.

 

Be glad he doesn't want to marry you.

[BettyDraper]

Telemachus - Sorry for the confusion, I refer him often as my spouse as he is my common-law spouse. Our cohabiting pretty much marriage like, we have a joint bank account, share an apartment and car. But of course technically we are not married.

 

 

And my saying I would like to know whether he wants to make commitment, I have asked exactly that, if he wants to marry me and also told clearly I want a family. I have told him already 3 years back I'm ready but then it was not possible for him because of his career. Again last fall I said I want to start the latest by this spring and us to make a decision about our future together. He says he wants a family too.

 

 

The point of the examples are on my first post were to give the reasons what he uses why he does not want to marry me or have kids. And I'm puzzled at times because for me they seem not so big issues at all. Of course for him they might be but my hunch is the issues he states have very little to do with me but more about his sensitivity and low self-esteem. Or maybe is inability to decide because he is afraid of commitment and he makes excuses. I don't know, and that´s the reason I would like to have some feedback before I take my own decision. I have plan B in place already.

 

I don't think your boyfriend is going to marry you. It has been 7 years and he hasn't proposed. It doesn't take anyone that long to know if they want to get married and he keeps coming up with excuses. I don't know how you can refer to your boyfriend as your "husband" if he doesn't want to be your spouse.

 

Your boyfriend has issues which need to be explored with a therapist. He seems overly attached to his parents. In the meantime, you need to decide how much more time you are willing to wait for marriage and children.

[Downtown]

My hunch is the issues he states have very little to do with me but more about his sensitivity and low self-esteem.

Alcaline, yes, that's my hunch too. I agree with Anika that you're describing some red flags for BPD (Borderline PD) and, to a lesser extent, narcissism. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, low self esteem, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," circular arguments, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, instead, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. Importantly, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for 7 years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

How to move forward?

Given your reluctance to leave him, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Salparadise's Post provides a concise description of what it is like to live with a BPDer for 23 years. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join Anika and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Although the symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Alcaline.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Downtown

[mightycpa]

I'll let you in on a little secret. Your boyfriend isn't sensitive, he's narcissistic and extremely self absorbed. Everything is about him and what he wants and how he feels. He has no consideration for you, he lacks empathy and is unable to see anything from your point of view. The whole world is supposed to revolve around him and he expects you to make him the centre of your universe at all times.

That sounds a lot like a 5 year old.

[Arieswoman]

Alcaline,

 

In the recent past it has been pretty challenging as he gets angry and shouts and when I interrupt and ask him to calm down and talk to me kindly, he says I'm mean interrupting him. He has a right to do this. But I have difficulty listening him berating me and shouting, I don't want to be talked that manner.

 

Your b/f is abusive plain and simple and after 7 years I doubt he'll change.

 

Do you seriously want to marry and have kids with this man? Please think about this very carefully.

[Alcaline]

Thank you all for your feedback, it has been helpful to get another perspective on things. And as I read from some of the comments, it seems this kind of behavior is likely not go away. And I assume it won't as long as my boyfriend is not seeing any the issue in his ´sensitivity´.

 

 

I was also reading about the BPD and narcissism. I found many similarities for my BF´s behavior but it is not clear for me when we can talk about a disorder. I mean for example in my BF´s case he does not show any of the behavior for anyone else, quite the opposite. The other day we met his colleague and she said my boyfriend was the most polite and friendly person she had ever met, they have known for 4 years. And I'm sure all of his friends would say something similar about him. He would do anything for his friends and colleagues, no matter what time of the day. If this was a personality disorder, then should it not be present in all or more areas of his life, not just with me?

 

 

Only negative thing I have ever heard about him was his father once saying he is explosive (he stormed out of the dinner angry when his mother was hinting he has not spend enough time at home when visiting from abroad). I was a bit puzzled about his reaction at the time as I didn't see it that upsetting.

 

 

In the beginning of our relationship he was actually not immediately upset with me but regularly gave me silent treatment for a few days if I had upset him someway (and I had no idea what I had done and he refused to tell me). For the past year or two he has started to act out more which I first thought is a good thing as I absolutely cannot stand silent treatment. But to be honest this is not ok either.

[Downtown]

He does not show any of the behavior for anyone else.... If this was a personality disorder, then should it not be present in all or more areas of his life, not just with me?

Alcaline, very good question. If your BF is a low functioning BPDer, then -- yes -- you should expect to see him having difficulty interacting with a variety of people. However, the vast majority of full-blown BPDers -- studies suggest roughly 2/3 of them -- are high functioning. This means that they typically get along fine with casual friends, business associates, clients, and total strangers.

 

The reason is that none of those people pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why it is common for well educated BPDers to be caring and generous to complete strangers all day long -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him. This is why many high functioning BPDers excel in very demanding professions -- e.g., becoming successful teachers, social workers, psychologists, surgeons, and actors. And this is why HF BPDers typically have no close long-term friends (unless the friend lives a long distance away).

 

My BPDer exW, for example, has a caring and outgoing attitude toward other people. Even complete strangers feel like they have known her for a long time after talking with her for only 30 minutes. My exW has a warm and charming personality that puts people at ease. Moreover, she genuinely enjoys interacting with those people. Yet, when one of her casual friends make the mistake of drawing close to her in a LTR, that friend will eventually trigger one of my exW's two fears. At that point -- which typically took 3 to 5 years with each of the three women who became extremely close to her -- my exW would split the woman black and push her away. I saw her terminate all three of those close LTRs in the 15 years we were married.

 

Similarly, my exW and her two BPDer sisters would periodically push each other away. They would be thick as thieves for 12 to 18 months and then one of them would say some minor thing that would trigger another sister's fears. They would have a blowup fight and then not speak to each other for 4 to 6 months -- then suddenly would return to being thick as thieves.

 

Generally, when you see temper tantrums being triggered by anyone (including strangers, as occurs with road rage), you likely are seeing warning signs for either a very low functioning PD or for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). Here on LoveShack, I rarely discuss low-functioning BPD because the folks exhibiting such behavior are so dysfunctional and in so much pain that none of our members would be dating them, much less marrying them or cohabiting with them.

[InvisiBlonde]

I'll let you in on a little secret. Your boyfriend isn't sensitive, he's narcissistic and extremely self absorbed. Everything is about him and what he wants and how he feels. He has no consideration for you, he lacks empathy and is unable to see anything from your point of view. The whole world is supposed to revolve around him and he expects you to make him the centre of your universe at all times.

 

Do you seriously want to spend your whole life tip toeing around his "sensitive" little feelings? Constantly trying to please him and avoid doing and saying anything to set him off, only to find that no matter how hard you try it's never good enough and he gets set off anyways.

 

Be glad he doesn't want to marry you.

 

PLEASE take this to heart!

 

Read everything you can find about Borderline Personality Disorder!

 

I found a tremendous amount of support and understanding at a site called

 

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue ? Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

 

DO NOT CREATE A LIFETIME OBLIGATION (ie: Children) WITH THIS INDIVIDUAL!