Sexless Marriage

[Soxfaninfl]

Hi Everyone,

 

 

My wife and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary in January. Before that we were together almost 2 years. My wife is 46, and I am 41. My wife was previously married 17 years ago for 9 years. Here first husband died. I was previously married for 10 years, but my ex wife ended our marriage.

 

 

My current wife and I have had sex once in 21 months. I never experienced this issue with my first wife. The lonest we went with out sex was two week in a 12 year span. We went a year without having sex and then had sex 9 months ago. My wife went on antidepressants after six month of marriage due to the fact that she was unemployed. At the time she went on them, she was unemployed for three months. We were also having to pay out a lot of money to a lawyer to get my ex-wife to be a decent parent to my 13 year old son every other week. My wife was previously a consultant, but was not able to find work for a year, so she went back to corporate America. She had a corporate job for one year. She resigned from that job because it was high stress. My wife was able to get a consulting gig at the end of November of 2015, but the contract was canceled prematurely, so we were right back to being in financial trouble (I don’t make enough to support us). We both had to file for bankruptcy in January of 2017 because we were severely in debt, and she was still unemployed.

 

 

 

During all this time my wife gain weight. My wife was able to find a office job in February, but it makes a third of what she used to make when she had her corporate job. My wife won’t go back to corporate America because she can no longer handle the stress and the hours of being an executive. She currently is not happy in her current job.

 

 

My wife has to stay on the antidepressants because she feels like a failure, she’s overweight and feels unattractive (she also had a bad childhood) and hates her job. I don’t feel the same way as her. I love my wife very much! My wife while on antidepressants has zero libido. She will also not have sex when she is not in the mood. I’ve tried to get her to do other things, but she has refused. She says she loves me and finds me attractive, but when she has zero libido.

 

 

 

It doesn’t matter how much she loves a person she will not have sex. We were not able to afford to see a counselor because of our financial issues. She tried to go off the antidepressants, but she had a meltdown on Monday. She resumed taking antidepressants on Tuesday. I had seen a counselor to explain our situation a couple of weeks ago, but now that she’s gone back on the antidepressants. I feel hopeless. I’m going to schedule an appointment with a counselor next week, but I feel there is little hope. I masturbate once a day and sometimes twice a day, but it doesn’t help. I’m so frustrated I’m not sure if counseling is going to help to be honest.

 

 

 

I don’t want to divorce. I made a life commitment to her, and I love her very much. I also won’t cheat or ask her for an open marriage. I just don’t want that. I just don’t know what to do.

[startingagain15]

Some antidepressants are better than others for libido. I have found zoloft kills mine, but wellbutrin does not hurt it and maybe even enhances it. Has she tried to switch medications?

[somanymistakes]

What was your sex life like before she started the antidepressants? If she had a libido beforehand, there are different formulations and she might be able to find a drug that works better for her. Changing prescriptions with a doctor's support is MUCH safer than just not taking them.

 

Is she still willing to be physically affectionate with you in a non-sexual way?

 

How does she feel about your sexuality when she is not taking part in it? Is she willing to talk about sexy things with you, or look at erotic pictures/stories together, or be present when you masturbate? (I'm trying to see if there's any way you can maintain a sense of connection between you even if you can't have sex at the moment.)

[Simple Logic]

The weight gain and the loss of sex drive may be from menopause and not entirely the meds. Maybe an Hormone replacement is in order.

[Soxfaninfl]

Some antidepressants are better than others for libido. I have found zoloft kills mine, but wellbutrin does not hurt it and maybe even enhances it. Has she tried to switch medications?

 

She tried a different antidepressant, but she felt psychotic. So she switch back to what she was on.

[Soxfaninfl]

What was your sex life like before she started the antidepressants? If she had a libido beforehand, there are different formulations and she might be able to find a drug that works better for her. Changing prescriptions with a doctor's support is MUCH safer than just not taking them.

 

Is she still willing to be physically affectionate with you in a non-sexual way?

 

How does she feel about your sexuality when she is not taking part in it? Is she willing to talk about sexy things with you, or look at erotic pictures/stories together, or be present when you masturbate? (I'm trying to see if there's any way you can maintain a sense of connection between you even if you can't have sex at the moment.)

 

We were only having sex every other weekend right before she started the antidepressants. The sex was deteriorating as time went by. She also didn't like to have sex when my son was with us every other week. Sex only occurred on the weekends when it did happen.

 

We hug and kiss everyday. We hold hands when we are out and about. She told me that if she found me masturbating that she would be turned off by it. We avoid the subject of sex for the most part. She's never looked at porn whether in a magazine or a movie. She is not able to give oral sex because she has 5 herniated discs in her back and neck from a auto accident back in 2011. Missionary is the only position when sex does occur.

[Soxfaninfl]

The weight gain and the loss of sex drive may be from menopause and not entirely the meds. Maybe an Hormone replacement is in order.

 

Yes, she also began menopause (hot flashes and irregular periods) early because she's never had children about a year and half ago.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think you need to discuss this honestly and openly with your wife so she knows exactly how you are feeling.

 

Tell her everything...

 

I masturbate once a day and sometimes twice a day, but it doesn’t help. I’m so frustrated

 

I don’t want to divorce. I made a life commitment to her, and I love her very much. I also won’t cheat or ask her for an open marriage. I just don’t want that. I just don’t know what to do.

 

Give her the opportunity to help save your marriage. Perhaps it will help put things into perspective for her. She might be able to offer a solution or compromise to help build the connection and intimacy back into your relationship, or perhaps not.

 

Either way, it is better for both of you to know exactly where you stand, and give each other the opportunity to try and fix things before it is too late.

 

If you can't afford professional help, you may find some relationship help books useful. I'm sure some other posters will have some good suggestions.

 

Good luck.

[BettyDraper]

Is your wife willing to trade antidepressants for natural remedies?

Psychotropics are known for many undesirable side effects. Does your wife take any supplements?

 

I'm sorry that you had to file for bankruptcy. Financial problems can certainly add stress to a marriage.

 

It sounds like your wife wasn't a very sexual person to begin with.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, I suspect the real problem is that she's not interested in sex to begin with. She didn't have much of a sex drive, and whether the antidepressants are killing what tiny bit is left or she's using them as an excuse to get out of it, she may not be interested in having sex at all.

 

Libido issues can be very tricky to resolve and basically impossible if the person in question doesn't really want to. Unfortunately most couples I've heard of that end up in this situation are headed towards the outcomes you already know about - cheating, an open marriage, or divorce. I'm sorry.

[dichotomy]

We were only having sex every other weekend right before she started the antidepressants. The sex was deteriorating as time went by. She also didn't like to have sex when my son was with us every other week. Sex only occurred on the weekends when it did happen.

 

We hug and kiss everyday. We hold hands when we are out and about. She told me that if she found me masturbating that she would be turned off by it. We avoid the subject of sex for the most part. She's never looked at porn whether in a magazine or a movie. She is not able to give oral sex because she has 5 herniated discs in her back and neck from a auto accident back in 2011. Missionary is the only position when sex does occur.

 

 

So if I understand the time line - you married her understanding sex was not much - every other weekend, no oral, and only missionary. ?

 

Sex rarely gets better after marriage most times it takes at least one step down. You were already in low mode. So you may have to own some of the results.

 

You mention she tried "other antidepressants" - was one of them actually welbutrin ? Because as others mentioned - it does help with Libido and also with weight loss. However it is (or was for me) like a stimulant and I had problems with anxiety and anger on it.

 

Let me ask you - why stay married? Lets assume the sex NEVER gets better ever - whats the plus to staying married - whats the minus? what the plus and minus to you divorcing ?

 

I have been in a low sex marriage for some time (recently VERY low) - I know why I stay married. Why do you ?

Edited March 24, 2017 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

so let me see if I have this straight - she is an overweight, unemployed, Debbie-Downer that has no interest in sex with you?

 

Just what is it that is in it for you in this arrangement????

[5x5]

I don’t want to divorce. I made a life commitment to her, and I love her very much. I also won’t cheat or ask her for an open marriage. I just don’t want that. I just don’t know what to do.

 

With that being the case, perhaps you ought to embrace a celibate lifestyle and try to enjoy it.

 

While ever you choose to maintain a nominally monogamous sexless-marriage with your wife, and do not seek sex elsewhere through open marriage, infidelity or divorce, you are choosing (and are thus responsible for wanting) to maintain a celibate marital relationship.

 

It doesn’t matter how much she loves a person she will not have sex. We were not able to afford to see a counselor because of our financial issues.

 

In this instance a counsellor would be a waste of time and money to no end.

 

We were only having sex every other weekend right before she started the antidepressants. The sex was deteriorating as time went by. She also didn't like to have sex when my son was with us every other week. Sex only occurred on the weekends when it did happen.

 

We hug and kiss everyday. We hold hands when we are out and about. She told me that if she found me masturbating that she would be turned off by it. We avoid the subject of sex for the most part. She's never looked at porn whether in a magazine or a movie. She is not able to give oral sex because she has 5 herniated discs in her back and neck from a auto accident back in 2011. Missionary is the only position when sex does occur.

 

Considering the above, you really shouldn't be surprised to find yourself in a sexless marriage. Women and men who are like that with their partners, really aren't very interested in having sex with them often or at all.

 

Since she will only do it missionary and takes issue with masturbation and all the rest, it's pretty clear sex is unlikely to be her thing.

 

As to not being able to give oral sex, that is utter nonsense. Although she may not be able to do it from certain positions, if she can eat solid food she evidently has the capacity to do felatio.

 

From what I have read so far, I don't think your wife did anything to suggest you were going to share a satisfactory sex life.

 

So considering the fact that you married your wife, despite a sexual famine. Are unwilling to seek sex elsewhere via divorce or other means, despite only sharing sex once through 21 months. I don't see why you have an issue with this at all.

 

At the end of the day it's a fools errand to offer any sexual partner unconditional love.

 

If you think sex is important, you would do well to abandon your life long commitment to her.

[Jooles]

Have you gone with her to her appointments to the physician that prescribed the antidepressants? Could you discuss this with that Dr? Changing to a different drug may help, as May helping your wife to lose some weight. For myself, I almost never feel sexy when my weight is up. Maybe start taking walks every evening, and offer to give her a gentle massage. But for now, do not attempt to initiate sex. If she isn't into it, she may dread you bringing it up. Maybe a bit of time of doing things together, for each other, will make her see things in a different light. Even silly niceties like loading up her toothbrush at night, getting her a coffee, bringing home dinner, foot rubs, etc, may help bring back more intimate feelings?!

[NTV]

You made a lifetime commitment to her but it doesn't sound like she's keeping up her end of the bargain.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don’t want to divorce. I made a life commitment to her, and I love her very much. I also won’t cheat or ask her for an open marriage. I just don’t want that. I just don’t know what to do.

 

Given these parameters. not sure why you're asking for advice?

 

She can't change and you say you won't so a celibate future awaits. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

 

I don’t want to divorce. I made a life commitment to her, and I love her very much. I also won’t cheat or ask her for an open marriage. I just don’t want that. I just don’t know what to do.

 

If you want to have an active and satisfying sex life within those parameters, then you will have to change into a person she wants to have sex with.

 

You will basically have to morph into someone else and look difference, act different, be different.

 

If that is something you are willing to do, then I suggest you get the "Married Man Sex Life" books by Athol Kay and check out the blogs and forums on his website.

 

That series of books and blogs and discussion forums are about the traits and characteristics in men that women find sexually attractive and then developing those traits while at the same time eliminating the traits and characteristics that destroy attraction.

 

Bottom line is you can't change another person. If you won't or can't leave her and find someone else and can't or won't pursue open marriage or cheating, then your only option is to transform yourself into someone she is attracted to.

 

Hit the gym, start dressing better, change your hair, whiten your teeth, start behaving and treating her in a completely different manner, get a better job and make more money, gain more social status and influence in the community and become someone she is attracted to.

[central]

I don’t want to divorce. I made a life commitment to her, and I love her very much. I also won’t cheat or ask her for an open marriage. I just don’t want that. I just don’t know what to do.

 

If she can't or won't change, and you won't change your views, then there isn't anything to do. Well, except live out your life in a miserable marriage and hope to find some hobby or cause that provides some happiness. Perhaps you need antidepressants too, if you feel hopeless. They may have the beneficial side effect of dampening your libido.

[Soxfaninfl]

I think you need to discuss this honestly and openly with your wife so she knows exactly how you are feeling.

 

Tell her everything...

 

Give her the opportunity to help save your marriage. Perhaps it will help put things into perspective for her. She might be able to offer a solution or compromise to help build the connection and intimacy back into your relationship, or perhaps not.

 

Either way, it is better for both of you to know exactly where you stand, and give each other the opportunity to try and fix things before it is too late.

 

If you can't afford professional help, you may find some relationship help books useful. I'm sure some other posters will have some good suggestions.

 

Good luck.

 

Trust me I have. I told her after 3 months (no sex) in October of 2015 that I felt like we were room mates that kiss.

 

We had a big argument during Christmas. She asked me why I was treating her differently. I told her I was miserable. I masturbate everyday to deal with the sexual urges, but it didn't help. She just kept telling me that she needs to be on the meds.

 

Well on Monday night she told me she came off of them three weeks ago so her marriage wouldn't end (and I could get laid). She realized that she needs to be on them, and I should do what I need to do.

[Soxfaninfl]

Is your wife willing to trade antidepressants for natural remedies?

Psychotropics are known for many undesirable side effects. Does your wife take any supplements?

 

I'm sorry that you had to file for bankruptcy. Financial problems can certainly add stress to a marriage.

 

It sounds like your wife wasn't a very sexual person to begin with.

 

No, I don't think she would be willing to switch. Yeah bankruptcy has been tough on both of us.

 

Actually, she was very sexual before she took her corporate executive job. We were having sex 3 to 4 times a week and sometimes twice a day. That was after 7 months is when the sex started to tail down. She would complain that she was stress and tired from the job, so we were only having sex on the weekends.

[Soxfaninfl]

Yeah, I suspect the real problem is that she's not interested in sex to begin with. She didn't have much of a sex drive, and whether the antidepressants are killing what tiny bit is left or she's using them as an excuse to get out of it, she may not be interested in having sex at all.

 

Libido issues can be very tricky to resolve and basically impossible if the person in question doesn't really want to. Unfortunately most couples I've heard of that end up in this situation are headed towards the outcomes you already know about - cheating, an open marriage, or divorce. I'm sorry.

 

That's the thing she was interested in sex, but after she became stress that's when sex began to tail down. Stress kills her sex drive. I am the opposite. Sex relieves my stress.

[Soxfaninfl]

So if I understand the time line - you married her understanding sex was not much - every other weekend, no oral, and only missionary. ?

 

Sex rarely gets better after marriage most times it takes at least one step down. You were already in low mode. So you may have to own some of the results.

 

You mention she tried "other antidepressants" - was one of them actually welbutrin ? Because as others mentioned - it does help with Libido and also with weight loss. However it is (or was for me) like a stimulant and I had problems with anxiety and anger on it.

 

Let me ask you - why stay married? Lets assume the sex NEVER gets better ever - whats the plus to staying married - whats the minus? what the plus and minus to you divorcing ?

 

I have been in a low sex marriage for some time (recently VERY low) - I know why I stay married. Why do you ?

 

I thought the sex would get better once we were in a good place financially and she found a job that she liked, but that has not happened. I am willing to settle for sex once a week.

 

Why I stay is because I love my wife. I also don't want her to feel the pain of divorce. My first wife left me, and it nearly broke me. My wife's first husband died in her arms.

 

Also, I have a 13 year old son. I don't want to put him through another divorce. He was 7 the first time he went through it. Also, I would have to start all over again. All I brought with me were my clothes and two flat screens. With my credit now, it would be difficult to get an apartment. Plus, the cost of another divorce. We have a prenup, but divorce hardly ever go smooth. My sons starts high school next year. I guess I will just hang in as long as I can.

[Soxfaninfl]

so let me see if I have this straight - she is an overweight, unemployed, Debbie-Downer that has no interest in sex with you?

 

Just what is it that is in it for you in this arrangement????

 

My son is a better person because of her. He has manners. My son was failing out of school, and has been an honor student these past three years (tutoring him). With her help he got into a magnet program that focuses on engineering. She has done a lot for my son. Because of her I was able to get a lot done legally (with her money) to make sure my ex-wife was kept inline regarding my son.

[Soxfaninfl]

With that being the case, perhaps you ought to embrace a celibate lifestyle and try to enjoy it.

 

While ever you choose to maintain a nominally monogamous sexless-marriage with your wife, and do not seek sex elsewhere through open marriage, infidelity or divorce, you are choosing (and are thus responsible for wanting) to maintain a celibate marital relationship.

 

 

 

In this instance a counsellor would be a waste of time and money to no end.

 

 

 

Considering the above, you really shouldn't be surprised to find yourself in a sexless marriage. Women and men who are like that with their partners, really aren't very interested in having sex with them often or at all.

 

Since she will only do it missionary and takes issue with masturbation and all the rest, it's pretty clear sex is unlikely to be her thing.

 

As to not being able to give oral sex, that is utter nonsense. Although she may not be able to do it from certain positions, if she can eat solid food she evidently has the capacity to do felatio.

 

From what I have read so far, I don't think your wife did anything to suggest you were going to share a satisfactory sex life.

 

So considering the fact that you married your wife, despite a sexual famine. Are unwilling to seek sex elsewhere via divorce or other means, despite only sharing sex once through 21 months. I don't see why you have an issue with this at all.

 

At the end of the day it's a fools errand to offer any sexual partner unconditional love.

 

If you think sex is important, you would do well to abandon your life long commitment to her.

 

No, I can't be in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life. I have a high sex drive, and would have sex everyday given the choice.

 

I will not cheat. I will end the marriage before I do that. I'm not going to have an open marriage and put her at risk of an STD.

 

She claims to like sex, but when she has zero libido and she is stressed then nothing happens down there if you know what I mean.

 

We can only do missionary because she has 5 herniated disc from an auto accident.

 

At this point, I am thinking of leaving her once my son is out of school. I will have to live with my parents until my divorce is over. I will have to save up some money to get my own place. I do want to try counseling before I throw in the towel.

[Soxfaninfl]

Have you gone with her to her appointments to the physician that prescribed the antidepressants? Could you discuss this with that Dr? Changing to a different drug may help, as May helping your wife to lose some weight. For myself, I almost never feel sexy when my weight is up. Maybe start taking walks every evening, and offer to give her a gentle massage. But for now, do not attempt to initiate sex. If she isn't into it, she may dread you bringing it up. Maybe a bit of time of doing things together, for each other, will make her see things in a different light. Even silly niceties like loading up her toothbrush at night, getting her a coffee, bringing home dinner, foot rubs, etc, may help bring back more intimate feelings?!

 

No, she was seeing a Psychiatrist for only 15 minutes. Basically a pill pusher. I will suggest to see if she will switch to Wellbutrin. I get her coffee every day, bring her dinner all the time. I am a hopeless romantic. I will try the massages and foot rubs.