Jprince Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 So I have a very happy marriage with my wife, I love her to death and couldn't even think about leaving her. But I have this very serious issue, she is an absolute slob. We have one child together who is two years old now, and very active. She plays all the time with her toys and doesn't stop going. She makes messes, a lot of them, and I completely understand that, I do not mind her mess because she doesn't understand. My wife however, has this thing where she doesn't throw away her trash, leaves dishes piled up in the sink constantly and leaves them for me to do, then gets very argumentative when I ask her to rinse off her dishes when she is finished with them. She fights me about folding clothes (because our daughter just unfolds them again! Just put them out of reach??) or picking up dirty clothes off the floor when she throws them down, in the living room for gods sake. On top of this, when our daughter is done eating, she doesn't bother to wipe the table until I get home and asks me to do it, which then ends up with crusty food everywhere. She hasn't swept the kitchen floor in months, I've always done it. I've not seen her do dishes in months, at least not when I'm around and when she does, she makes a big deal out of it like its some sort of accomplishment. These things are only a few of the things that she does that make me angry about her. Then when I come home to a dirty house and she's sitting on the couch playing on her phone, she chalks it up to being tired from taking care of our daughter and being used to a dirty house because that is how she grew up. Sometimes I'll even come home and she is sitting on the couch naked in front of our daughter who is watching TV. I'm getting very fed up it, she's a wonderful woman and I love her to death, but I have given up on doing housework because I know I will not get any help keeping it clean. Advice is very appreciated. Thanks -J Link to post Share on other sites
xenawarriorprincess Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Is your wife a “stay at home mom/housewife” or does she work as well? The answer to this question makes a huge difference. If her job is to take care of the home and your child and doesn’t work outside of the home, then she is failing at her job of taking care of the home because 50% of her job is to maintain the home so that life in the home runs smoothly. Imagine if you only performed 50% of your work responsibilities? How soon would it be before you were written-up or worse, fired! If her sole responsibility is the home and your child, then she is failing, 50% is an F. If she works outside of the home, then it would make sense that you would split some of the housework, but you cannot be responsible for all of it, she still would have to help as that is called teamwork. I hope your situation gets better and cleaner! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Then when I come home to a dirty house and she's sitting on the couch playing on her phone, she chalks it up to being tired from taking care of our daughter and being used to a dirty house because that is how she grew up. Sometimes I'll even come home and she is sitting on the couch naked in front of our daughter who is watching TV. This is her natural state - she likes to relax at home and not worry about what it might look like to others. She feels like it's pointless to worry about things being picture-perfect all the time because no outsiders are looking at them anyway, so why waste time and effort? You did know this about her when you married her, didn't you? It's very difficult for someone who is completely habituated to this lifestyle to get into cleaning on a regular basis. She feels like it's stupid, so she will be resentful about being pushed into it, and while you can train a child to clean with careful bribery, it's hard to do that with an adult without looking very patronising. She's not going to turn around and become Donna Reed, but she should be capable of making some improvements/compromises so that YOU don't feel completely resentful (obviously your feelings matter too). What would help you the most? Getting her to recognise one particular type of mess and clean it up regularly (like keeping the table clean after the kid eats), or getting her to do general cleaning once in a while? (like tidying the house once a week) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jprince Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 (edited) Is your wife a “stay at home mom/housewife” or does she work as well? The answer to this question makes a huge difference. If her job is to take care of the home and your child and doesn’t work outside of the home, then she is failing at her job of taking care of the home because 50% of her job is to maintain the home so that life in the home runs smoothly. Imagine if you only performed 50% of your work responsibilities? How soon would it be before you were written-up or worse, fired! If her sole responsibility is the home and your child, then she is failing, 50% is an F. If she works outside of the home, then it would make sense that you would split some of the housework, but you cannot be responsible for all of it, she still would have to help as that is called teamwork. I hope your situation gets better and cleaner! She's a stay at home mom and housewife, and barely leaves the home. It is frustrating because I'll take mental inventory of what needs to be done in the morning and ask her to just do one thing (or two) while I am at work. She'll say she will do it. Then when I come home, it is not done and the place is in worse shape than when I had left it. Granted she cleans from time to time, but its mainly when people are coming over and it gets so bad that when she does clean it becomes overwhelming for her and she gives up. I've given her some tips and have given her some nudges that it is easier to clean up small messes more frequently than to clean up large messes but it seems to go into one ear and after another...I'm just tired of it. Edited March 21, 2017 by Jprince Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 If she was always like this, then its no surprise. But having a kid changes people ! If you can afford, then maybe get a housekeeper for a while, till the kid is a bit more mature? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jprince Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 If she was always like this, then its no surprise. But having a kid changes people ! If you can afford, then maybe get a housekeeper for a while, till the kid is a bit more mature? I have thought about the possibility, I may just have to bite the bullet and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I second the housekeeper, if this messiness isnt a dealbreaker with you. If it isnt, then get a housekeeper once a week. It will take a lot of stress off of both of you. Well worth the cost. Thats an easy fix. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Yep get a maid, and cut off her Internet on her cell. Bet she would clean if there wasn't so much time wasting stuff to do on the cell phone. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
User123a Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 She's a stay at home mom and housewife, and barely leaves the home. It is frustrating because I'll take mental inventory of what needs to be done in the morning and ask her to just do one thing (or two) while I am at work. She'll say she will do it. Then when I come home, it is not done and the place is in worse shape than when I had left it. Granted she cleans from time to time, but its mainly when people are coming over and it gets so bad that when she does clean it becomes overwhelming for her and she gives up. I've given her some tips and have given her some nudges that it is easier to clean up small messes more frequently than to clean up large messes but it seems to go into one ear and after another...I'm just tired of it. She should have been married to someone like my husband who is least bothered about whether the house is clean or not lol. One person being clean and the other just lazy doesnt help at all in a marriage. Just get a maid. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Your fault. The longer you keep doing your work and then come home and do hers because she complains the what do you expect? My first wife was a slob. Built a new house and told her the rules were to keep it clean. I didn't expect it to be sterilized but at least lived in and she told me one day that a lady was coming over to give her a price to clean the house. Lady shows up and I told her in front of my wife that I hired someone else. My then wife asked me who and I told her that it's her. The lady left and I told my wife to either get moving and hold up her end or get lost because she was flat out lazy. Just because we were able to afford a house cleaner, she was able to push a sweeper. We had all the convenience's that she wanted and I told her that if she didn't start soon, her car would be gone to pay for the house cleaner. Wasn't long after we split. That was back in the 70's early 8-'s and she's still a slob 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I second the housekeeper, if this messiness isnt a dealbreaker with you. If it isnt, then get a housekeeper once a week. It will take a lot of stress off of both of you. Well worth the cost. Thats an easy fix. Seems redundant when his wife is home all day long. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 How old is your child? Is it possible she's PPD and never diagnosed? She seems to have no motivation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Had a friend with a wife like this. They didn't stay married long. They had two kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 You married a lazy slob. It's not going to get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadend17 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 You sounds like my wife complaining about me. She doesn't realize she created the situation though. Due to her impatience and insistence to control everything, I got to the point where I decided it's best to let her do all the housework. Before her and I got married I was on top of cleaning up after myself yet she acts like I was a helpless baby before her. Stop doing her work and there is a very good chance the problems will resolve itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I had a husband like this once We both worked f/t but he never lifted a finger about the house. For about 4/5 years I cleaned up after him and moaned about it, so nothing changed. Then I woke up, pulled the "mug" sign off my forehead and stopped doing it. I told him I was sick of clearing up after a messy child and he needed to start pulling his weight. He took his shirts to the laundry. When the sink was full of dirty dishes he'd rinse a plate to use. Then (unbeknown to me) he started an affair and told his AP his wife was a slob (!!) I threw him out and divorced him. He finally married his AP when she got pregnant. Now she's clearing up after him, an elderly relative and two kids I can't see your situation changing OP - sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Maybe not the maid but what about a roomba? Also are there pets? If so get rid of them. If she can't do the dishes then there's a good chance they aren't cared for either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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