User123a Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Okay...just a little background...so we have been married for 3 and a half years and expecting our first baby in September. My husband likes to hang out with his buddies a little too much for my liking. When we first got married he would go out every other day pretty much. Slowly it boiled down to maybe twice a week. Now every time during football season specially, he goes out at least 3 times a week if not every other day. And he usually doesnt come home before 1 or 2 am. Some times, once in a while, he is as late as 4am. He has actually come home even later than that a few times. I have told him loud and clear that I dont like him staying out this late drinking. I dont think he thinks too much of what I think. I usually end up giving him the silent treatment for a few days and then life makes us start communicating again for whatever reason. He has started to take that as the norm and ive even said that to him. What bothers me even more is that whenever he does come home really late, the first thing he does is take the laptop into the other room to watch porn and jerk off. He thinks I'm asleep and I dont notice. But I notice every single time! My problem is not with him jerking off in general. All men do it. My problem is with him coming home at an ungodly hr after going out with his friends and then getting straight to doing that. It makes me wonder where he was, who he was with or who he was checking out that got him so fired up that the first thing that he does when he comes home is this. I have brought this up to him and told him exactly what I think and he has said I have insecurity issues. I dont know what kind of woman would not have a problem with something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Probably the kind of woman who doesn't want to be 'bothered' by her husband. If he thinks you're asleep but you're not, why not say something to greet him when he comes in? Giving him the silent treatment when he disagrees with you is helping to enforce distance between you - he's now taking care of his needs on his own. Have you tried going out with him? (Not to drink yourself but to be present, see what his outings are like, see how he reacts to the idea of you being there with him) If they're all watching football, are they going to games or just to the pub with the big TVs? Has he ever tried to have a sports-watching party at home? Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Have you ever expressed how this makes you feel? How old are you? Does he work? Was he like this before you got married? About the jerking off... is he going to strip clubs? How's your sex life otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 smm, why not say something to greet him when he comes in? whaaaat? She's a pregnant mum-to-be who needs her sleep and you suggests she stay up to 4.00.am maybe? OP does your husband work? If so how does he get up for work in the morning?? Being out until 4.00.am sounds dodgy to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 smm, whaaaat? She's a pregnant mum-to-be who needs her sleep and you suggests she stay up to 4.00.am maybe? Why did you cut the part of the quote where I said "if he thinks you're asleep and you're not"? as in, she says she's already awake?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author User123a Posted March 22, 2017 Author Share Posted March 22, 2017 Probably the kind of woman who doesn't want to be 'bothered' by her husband. If he thinks you're asleep but you're not, why not say something to greet him when he comes in? Giving him the silent treatment when he disagrees with you is helping to enforce distance between you - he's now taking care of his needs on his own. Have you tried going out with him? (Not to drink yourself but to be present, see what his outings are like, see how he reacts to the idea of you being there with him) If they're all watching football, are they going to games or just to the pub with the big TVs? Has he ever tried to have a sports-watching party at home? Why am I going to "greet him" and be happily ready to have sex when he's comig home at 4 in the frikkin morning?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author User123a Posted March 22, 2017 Author Share Posted March 22, 2017 Have you ever expressed how this makes you feel? How old are you? Does he work? Was he like this before you got married? About the jerking off... is he going to strip clubs? How's your sex life otherwise? I'm 32 and hes 33. Yes he works. If he ever comes home this late then that's on weekends. I dont know if he goes to strip clubs.. I dont think so at least. Ive never had any trust issues with him but the kind of company he keeps...I'm not too sure about that. His friends are into hookers and seem to have the belief that one woman is not enough. And it's not like theyre in open relationships. Even this one married guy, he's the same...and I know he's cheated on his wife multiple times. Ive talked to my husband about all this. Thing is he knows these guys for the past 20 years. So hes obviously not going to stop being friends with them. I do trust him. But of course it can be a little worrisome if hes out that late at times with the kinds of friends that I know he has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author User123a Posted March 22, 2017 Author Share Posted March 22, 2017 smm, whaaaat? She's a pregnant mum-to-be who needs her sleep and you suggests she stay up to 4.00.am maybe? OP does your husband work? If so how does he get up for work in the morning?? Being out until 4.00.am sounds dodgy to me.... Thanks for the support there. I dont stay up till 4 am out of own choice. It happens because he's still out and I'm in bed fuming. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author User123a Posted March 22, 2017 Author Share Posted March 22, 2017 Have you tried going out with him? (Not to drink yourself but to be present, see what his outings are like, see how he reacts to the idea of you being there with him) If they're all watching football, are they going to games or just to the pub with the big TVs? Has he ever tried to have a sports-watching party at home? Well when football season is over, I dont know where the hell he goes whether to a pub or a club or whatever. And when I go out with him, his outings with me are not obviously not going to be like his outings with his friends when he goes out with them alone. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 The fact that all his friends are hardcore cheaters and stripclub regulars is a major red flag. Your H is at high risk to join their club (if he hasn't already). I recommend Marriage Builders and His needs, Her Needs. This may or may not be fixable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Empty Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 May sound odd, but at least his coming home and jerking off is a decent sign that he hasn't gotten off somewhere else. My guess is that he may be going to strip clubs, especially if his friends are into that type of scene. I watch football a lot during the season and almost all the games are over by midnight and, at least in my area, all regular bars are closed by 2am. You mentioned things had started to slow down with him and then recently he fell back into his old routine? It's possible that with a baby on the way, he's simply trying to squeeze in some of his old party life before more responsibilities keep him home. That's not to justify his actions...but if you're pissed off, silent treatment for a few days won't correct anything. What is important is that the situation is creating a lot of stress on you and the pregnancy which is a discussion you may want to enlighten him on. Decide what kind of stipulations you would be comfortable with as far as his outings go (how often/how late) and it's his choice if he cares enough about you and the baby so grant your request. If he doesn't, then it's up to you to decide how far you want to take it. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Why am I going to "greet him" and be happily ready to have sex when he's comig home at 4 in the frikkin morning?? I didn't intend to imply you should give him sex whenever he rolls in! Of course not. I'm very confused. You originally said He thinks I'm asleep and I dont notice. But I notice every single time! Because that makes it sound like you don't say anything at all, just lie there and pretend to be asleep, in which case he doesn't even understand that he's keeping you awake. You need your sleep, and he SHOULD be very apologetic about disturbing you, but it sounded like you were pretending that it didn't bother you at all? Which would confuse things? Link to post Share on other sites
BlackCherry Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 May sound odd, but at least his coming home and jerking off is a decent sign that he hasn't gotten off somewhere else. My guess is that he may be going to strip clubs, especially if his friends are into that type of scene. I watch football a lot during the season and almost all the games are over by midnight and, at least in my area, all regular bars are closed by 2am. You mentioned things had started to slow down with him and then recently he fell back into his old routine? It's possible that with a baby on the way, he's simply trying to squeeze in some of his old party life before more responsibilities keep him home. That's not to justify his actions...but if you're pissed off, silent treatment for a few days won't correct anything. What is important is that the situation is creating a lot of stress on you and the pregnancy which is a discussion you may want to enlighten him on. Decide what kind of stipulations you would be comfortable with as far as his outings go (how often/how late) and it's his choice if he cares enough about you and the baby so grant your request. If he doesn't, then it's up to you to decide how far you want to take it. Not necessarily true. You've never been so turned on by something that you've gotten off at the time and then cranked one out later on at the memory while it's still fresh? It's a massive red flag to me that the first thing he's doing when he comes home late after drinking is going to masturbate at 4 in the morning. That's not the typical action of a married man who hasn't been spending the night being sexually wound up. Most people coming home that late are so tired or drunk or missing their partner they crawl straight into bed to snuggle up and fall asleep. He's not acting like a married father to be. I couldn't tolerate this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
deadend17 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Sounds like what I used to do so I'd put my money on him going to strip clubs. Also sounds like he is an alcoholic. Your husband is on the edge of destroying his life and yours. Here is what I suggest: Show him some news stories, police reports, etc. of drunk drivers killing someone or going to jail from a DUI incident. If you think he may be attending a particular club, try and find an incident on the route that he would take to get there so he will realize it could have been him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 He needs to be a husband and realize he's going to be a father soon. Does he plan on going out a lot once the baby is born till 4am? WTF. Once in a while is okay but 3 times a week? That's bullcrap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Ive talked to my husband about all this. Thing is he knows these guys for the past 20 years. So hes obviously not going to stop being friends with them. To a certain extent you're enabling him. Yes he should change his lifestyle and social circle and you and your family-to-be should be the center of it. Stop giving him the silent treatment and make an appointment for MC. You'll need to work through these issues - and understand his commitment level - before the baby arrives. This isn't something you can just hope will get better... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 This has all the earmarks of cocaine use. Link to post Share on other sites
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