Jump to content

Seperate Lives


Recommended Posts

My wife and I have nothing in common. I'm an outdoors & active type and she is a lay around and church going type. We have been married for over 10 years and now that the kids are getting older it's becoming more difficult for me to accept. I have tried to bring the family together by doing a family day once a week but was met with serious attitude. Let me be transparent and say that I am not perfect and have contributed my fair share to creating the situation we are in.

 

Are we doomed to grow further apart or have others gotten through a similar situation? I feel there is someone out there who shares my similar interest that I may be happier with in the long run.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My ex-h didn't want to go out. Not even to give me company when I did the groceries. Note that he's now my ex. This was very long time ago and looking back, I think that he was probably suffering depression. Depression wasn't recognised back in the '80's.

 

So about your marriage... You say that organising an outing was met by serious attitude by her. What did she say? Why doesn't she want to go out?

 

And you: you say you contributed to this situation. How so?

 

Does your wife want to stay married to you? I'm wondering if her problems are internal or if they are related to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

She would go on the outings but after awhile she would complain and generally give me attitude about it. Took the wind out of my sails and we stopped going.

 

Generally I'm the type of person who likes it black and white. I get really turned off by nonsense and playing games. This causes me to stay away from religion or superficial activities in life.

 

Overall I think she is content with the marriage. She has accepted me for who I am and has built her life around activities she enjoys but I do not participate. I bring a lot to the table in other areas so I think she has found a balance that works for her.

 

My big issue is that I wish we could do the things I enjoy together. I look at the future after kids and it's going to be all about us. I have a vision and I fear that because she has a dramatically different vision that once the kids are gone the glue that bonds us will fail and I'll have spent all these years wasting away.

Link to post
Share on other sites

First and foremost, kudos to you for recognizing that there is a problem in your marriage and for trying to fix it, and NOT resorting to an affair.

 

I have only one suggestion to you: marriage counselor. Chances are that the source of your problem does not just lie in separate set of goals and interests, but failed communication in your marriage.

 

You feel dissatisfied and your wife feels satisfied and settled. You need a neutral professional third party counselor to help both of you communicate and understand where the other person stands.

 

If marriage counseling doesn't help, you have two options:

(1) Stay in the marriage, leading separate lives, and then slowly one day join the millions of men who seek an affair to "rejuvenate" themselves from a dormant marriage.

 

(2) If you're going to lead a separate life, then with dignity, get a divorce, and then find a new life partner whose lifestyle and goals better match with yours.

 

Needless to say: option (2) is highly recommended, if marriage counseling doesn't solve your current problem.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

We did about 6 months of marriage counseling. It helped us resolve disagreements in a more productive manner but the basic issue of us not having anything in common remains. I feel like option 1 is only a matter of time given the path we are on. I could see her meeting someone at church and in all honesty that would probably be better for her in the long run.

 

I was in the military when we met and got married. At the time we filled a need the other had and it worked. We have since maintained our commitment to each other out of respect for the marriage and for the kids.

 

Sounds like her and I need to have a quality conversation about our future to determine how we need to move forward. My biggest concern is that I am who I am and will just end up ruining a marriage to only get in the same exact situation with another woman.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quiet Storms

Just curious - was this how it was when you were dating? Seems like that would have been an issue then as well, and if so, why get married?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It wasn't a problem due to the circumstances at the time. We dated for a couple months and then she got pregnant. I know it wasn't the ideal way to do things but we were both needing someone at the time. I took a gamble and ultimately decided that getting married was the right thing to do since we had a child on the way and I was about to deploy for over a year. Having the child back home gave me a lot to live for and really helped me keep my head straight over seas. I always knew in the back of my mind that I didn't really know my wife before we got married but figured if we turned out to be incompatible, I would just do what I needed to do after deployment. 10 years later we have managed to build a decent life together but I feel that we are destined to go our separate ways when the kids become more independent.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

 

I sympathise with your situation. I married my H despite not having much in common. But I thought there was fundamentally enough between us, along with our feelings for each other, to make it work. However some years later I'm starting to wonder the same as you.

 

I think you need to try and find some common ground/things you can enjoy together and nurture those activities. Or accept that you are never going to be the type of couple who do share interests and whether that can be enough for you? If it can, then you continue as you have been BUT you can't keep questioning if it's enough for you. You have to decide to be 'all in' and put the issue to bed, so to speak. And if it's not enough and you can't find things in common, then it's time to consider leaving.

 

For me, the turning point was meeting someone who I felt I had more in common with and having an EA. It's like a light was shone onto my relationship with my H and I saw how much was lacking. Not his fault at all - it's just the dynamic we have as a couple. It's like you don't know what is missing until you find it elsewhere, and then you really realise how much you have been lacking all along.

 

Hope this helps

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you truly enjoy NOTHING that can be done at home? Does she genuinely NEVER want to go out, even to a low-intensity activity? If so, what on earth did the two of you do on dates when you first got together?

 

When you say she declined a family day once a week, did you offer to let her choose the activity half of the time, at least? What if she chose brunch and chilling out at the beach, would that be okay for you or you would absolutely NEED to do something active all the time?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I appreciate all the replies. You all gave me a lot of good things to think about and it has helped me feel better about the situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes incompatible spouses can make it work, if there is a deep love and respect at the core. My inlaws are like that-he loves to travel, has had every hobby one could imagine and is very outgoing. She is a quiet homebody. They have been married over 53 years. He provided her with everything she ever wanted, never cheated, and enjoyed his activities on his own or with friends.

 

I married my HS boyfriend, and we have much in common, including all our hobbies, so I feel bad when I read stories like yours. It must be lonely. Are you in the military?

Link to post
Share on other sites

The church doesn't do camping trips?

 

I was raised in the church and when I went to USMC I only went during boot camp to avoid penalties and stopped after that for the same reasons you stated.

 

As my kids got older I realized the value in church as a community event and the value of rituals there were valuable things for my kids. I still raising them to apply common sense and question things. They won't be brain washed by dogma but they will get what they can from it.

 

Just my two cents on a potential compromise. If you do do it, would point out to her that you are the one bending here and that you expect something from her down the line.

 

Just thoughts from a stranger on the Internet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In a way you both married for the wrong reasons.

 

You don't have to have common interests. I feel that it's a misconception that a couple should have same tastes. You've got to sit down and tell her that this is your concern and you would love to change things. Get a plan going where she joins you on your outing and you join hers. Experience new stuff together.

 

My wife and I are now an empty nest. Son , 19, left home. We both knew it was coming when he turned 14/15. He wanted more of friends outings than going with us. We too had fallen into daily routines but started slowly to prepare for THE day. When it finally happened, we couldn't wait to have ' our ' only days !

 

It's an effort initially. Then you have to reinforce regularly.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl
My wife and I have nothing in common. I'm an outdoors & active type and she is a lay around and church going type. We have been married for over 10 years and now that the kids are getting older it's becoming more difficult for me to accept. I have tried to bring the family together by doing a family day once a week but was met with serious attitude. Let me be transparent and say that I am not perfect and have contributed my fair share to creating the situation we are in.

 

Are we doomed to grow further apart or have others gotten through a similar situation? I feel there is someone out there who shares my similar interest that I may be happier with in the long run.

 

The reason this looks bad isn't because of the differences themselves but because of that "serious attitude" part - she doesn't even want to meet you halfway. And it doesn't look like you want to meet her halfway either. When couples want to be together, they compromise...not all the time, it's fine to have separate hobbies, but at least SOME of the time.

 

My husband got more into my hokey stuff - farms, holidays, nature - and I got more into his football stuff, watching with him and having grills/barbecues and the like (these are just two examples), and we have found ways to make it all lots of fun and to get the kids into all of it, too. That's because we wanted to. If we were totally cold on one another we'd just literally do these things separately and never "try" to enjoy what the other liked. I think that's probably key.

 

It's not the differences in what you and your wife enjoy. It's that neither of you is motivated to reach out to the other. This is just a symptom. Some people here scream about how MC doesn't work but I think you guys need to do SOMETHING to see if you even want to be together long-term and if so, how to get closer to one another again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
My wife and I have nothing in common. I'm an outdoors & active type and she is a lay around and church going type. We have been married for over 10 years and now that the kids are getting older it's becoming more difficult for me to accept. I have tried to bring the family together by doing a family day once a week but was met with serious attitude. Let me be transparent and say that I am not perfect and have contributed my fair share to creating the situation we are in.

 

My situation is somewhat similar to yours - I'm active, she's "Netflix and chill" - but we've endured and prospered by celebrating the overlap (kids, travel, sex) and tolerating the differences. And while I'm occasionally envious of those friends who have a built-in hiking buddy/tennis partner, I'm also cognizant of all the amazing and wonderful things our marriage has given me.

 

By choice, the glass is half full ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
My situation is somewhat similar to yours - I'm active, she's "Netflix and chill" -

 

You might want to google "Netflix and chill" :laugh:....

 

 

My wife and I also have few similar likes that we share, our son is the most common one today, I don't think it is that big of a deal but she brings it up on occasion.. we had more in common years ago but as life happens one of us changes...

 

I like the glass being half full analogy...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
You might want to google "Netflix and chill" :laugh:....

 

I'm an optimist, always hope that's her intention regarding me ;).

 

But you're right, I meant more along the lines of movies and relaxing...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
MrCongeniality

I have a similar problem but with my wife it's more likely due to how damaged she is. Anyway here is my advice find a way to make it work for the kids. Look at her and tell her you love her and want to feel that connection again. Believe me you do not want to look back and think "I should have tried harder." Just lay it all out on the table.

 

My wife is a very troubled woman she's often very unkind but she loves me in her way. I have forgiven her for her faults because we both are parents we both have children together. My wife and I have nothing in common but we some how fuel each other.

 

My point is try bonding over your kids. That or ask her if she feels anything is wrong and if she says no just ask her what she wants and you'll do it. My wife does this she is always afraid I don't love her or that I hate her. My wife and I are very different but it is not our interests that is why we love each other. I love the woman who is a mother to my children and no one else.

 

If that all doesn't work imagine you have the worst fight that you've said the worst thing you can say and now imagine she storms out and is hit by a car and has died. Grim I know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
donewrong88

Starting to feel the same......Me and my wife had a conversation today about that fact we have nothing in common. I'm a gym/crossfit going protein eating drinking Soldier. She's a book reading , story writing, fruit/veg eating vegan - who detests anything meat/protein orientated. We've not a great deal in common, I've tried helping into fitness and gym going to ease us into something that we both like. She's tried getting me into reading and writing but in all honesty nothing seems to work.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't forget, opposites can attract and it would be very dull if we were all clones of each other. As long as you love each other, respect each other and don't feel you can't be authentically you, then there shouldn't be a problem. Try to take the best of each others differences to make an even better whole!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, my wife and I occasionally socialize with a couple who do every thing together - live, work, exercise, travel, etc. And I have to admit, not sure I could do it. Certainly love my wife, but as I've gotten older and kids have grown and left have also come to value "alone time" or hanging with friends.

 

The trick is to find a balance that works for you. At least to me, less important if that falls either side of the norm or doesn't meet other people's expectations...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

l dunno.

First up from what l can tell the kids must be what 10ish, early teens.

Hate to say it but that ain't getting older as far as divorce goes, it's as hard as hell on them and they live the bullsh@t two house two parent two life thing for the rest of their childhood. They go through so much in that mess.

 

On the marriage and later when the kids are grown, l worried about that in mine too. But after when we'd divorced, l realized l was worrying about noting bc ex and l could've found ourselves as a couple again and grown old nicely l reckon.

So many regrets about it all myself, especially for my daughter and what was her family.

 

This is what me ex should've done. Reconnected. We use to love going to bed early and talking for hours , playing too , we'd talk about everything, anything, you name it.

But we'd lost all that and forgot it , we neglected us and eventually the distance grew and grew and l ended up feeling like you do.

 

Maybe you and your wife could find yourselves again with some special time like that together.

Worth trying before putting your kids through that hell.

 

PS , don;t worry , doing everything together ain't all it's cracked up to be either , plenty of dicorced couples that did that. somewhere middle road give or take is nice l reckon.

Edited by Chilli
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for sharing that Chilli. It emphasises that marriage really should be worked on very hard before considering giving up, especially when there are children involved.

 

Balance is critical and when i think back, my parents got it pretty much spot on. They were/are very loving, did lots together and always presented a happy, united front. But they had lots of differences and regularly did activities apart with friends.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...