Realgrl Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Am I overreacting? First we were at mass and this really good looking girl with her back turned against us was coordinating the pews. I became very tense because I knew he would be curious what she looked like. Sure enough when it was our turn to stand up and walk to the front, he looked back to her and then to me. Later he said he was so happy we were there that he wanted to turn back and look at me. He's never done that before and had never done it since (we go every Sunday). Second we were at the eye doctor's office and since I finished early, the eye doctor offered that she can take me to the exam room my husband is at and I can wait there while she does his eye exam. I said sure. When she took me to his room, he was laughing and having a conversation with the assistance. I am upset because if I was there with him, he would only answer questions in short sentences. To me this shows how he would act differently when I'm not around. Is this crazy or is there some truth in there? My mind is like a broken record replaying scenes over and over again. How do I get rid of them so I can think of other important matters? My husband tells me that he loves me and blah blah blah. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 So you would prefer that he never looks at or interacts with another woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Unless your husband has a history of being a serial cheater who attempts to have sex with every woman who crosses his path, you are overreacting, yes. How do I get rid of them so I can think of other important matters? What do you think are the reasons you feel so frightened of him noticing or speaking to other women? Has he betrayed you in the past? Has someone else? Do you worry that you are not attractive enough? Is something else wrong? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 When you were married you exchanged vows. Neither of you vowed you wouldn't find another person attractive and you never vowed you wouldn't be tempted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realgrl Posted March 19, 2017 Author Share Posted March 19, 2017 I think I like the attention and dont like that attention shared. How do I get over this? I tried to not think about it or try not to care but it's not working. I do worry that I'm not attractive. Especially kills me if he finds another girl attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Statistically, over 50% of the earth's population is female. If you are going to freak out any time he looks at or speaks to another woman, you are going to be pretty miserable. The difference between paranoia and a legitimate concern is a matter of degrees. If you have a freak out because he saw a pretty woman who was ushering him in church - that is an unfounded paranoia. If he was asking for her phone number and telling her he would give her something to yell, "Oh God!" about - that is a legitimate grievance. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
deadend17 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 He acts differently because he doesn't want to get in trouble with you. He knows what your reaction will be and adjust his behavior accordingly. I would spend less energy trying to control your husbands behavior and more on controlling yours. There is a very definite line that he would need to cross for you to react the way you do. From what you describe he is not crossing that line and the problem is with you alone. Honestly if certain situations cause you anxiety you need to learn how to deal with them or avoid them. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) hey....we all get insecure......its ok...its bound to happen .....what you do with that insecurity is another thing....i would turn it positive....instead of me worrying i wasnt getting attention and some other woman was..... i would give it instead....write a poem for him make his favorite dinner.....knock his sox off in the bedroom.....have a mystery date night planned......buy him caramels.....he loved caramel.....show him i cared...and my insecurity that way...was dealt with.....it would go away doing something that showed i loved him and why i loved him....the natural progression of em showing a little extra time and care....was i got that time back....and i got the care back too....and if i didnt get the time back or there was coldness there.......ignorance..or even he would find everything wrong with what i did or said or just put me down in general...snapped at me..had little time to even notice i had a haircut........then...i knew what was going on...and my insecurity.was intuition...and always.......justified.......deb Edited March 20, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Well, I joke and carry on with the girls at the doctor and optometrist office. Some of the time to where we are laughing so hard there is tears. I have also looked at a pretty girl. Don't mean I want to bed her. Have you never look a another guy and thought he looks good? I have never cheated on my wife and never will. You need to talk these out with someone or you will start pushing your husband away with accusations. Just like when guys act insecure to their wives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realgrl Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 I guess I need someone to knock some sense to me. Tonight I got mad because he looks at movie selections with girls in them. For instance scrolling through Netflix and instantly scroll straight to the movie picture with cheerleaders. Tied of feeling angry and depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 This is starting to sound like you might want to talk to a counsellor about your fears. Link to post Share on other sites
deadend17 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 It sounds like you realize you are wrong in your reaction. What you are doing is exhausting for your husband and sabotages your relationship. Additionally it gives your husband all the power in the relationship because he can easily control you through your insecurity. Think long and hard to develop a list of things that your husband has to do for you to leave him or divorce. If he doesn't do one of those things then it shouldn't be a problem and therefore you shouldn't get upset with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realgrl Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 Yesterday at Easter vigil, we had a function to stand and greet people as they leave. H was ready to go but I told him we neeed to stay for a little while longer because of our duties. Sure enough two attractive girls were hanging out close enough to stop by and he immediately perked up and was waiting eagerly for them to stop by. He completely ignored the other people that were in the line to greet him. We just had an argument about this. Argh!!!!!! One poster said I need to find the courage to leave him and I want to but when I calm down I think about all the years we spent together and basically grew up together. It just makes me feel sad. On the other hand I get so angry and hateful towards him that I'm ready to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Please get therapy! You desperately need it, you have serious issues you need to address. Your husband is probably suffocating under your paranoia. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 I agree with the above poster. Just leave him because you are going to be jealous of any good looking girl who comes within 10 feet of him. He's going to get sick of it and may start to feel since he is being accused of wrong doing anyway he may as well go through with it. Most men can't help but notice good looking women. My 80 year old Dad still notices them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/595099-me-again-husband-said-too-sore-have-sex With all due respect, you need to get a handle on your jealousy or it's going to destroy your relationship. This is only one of many discussions you've started discussing your feelings around your husband's suspected porn use and jealousy in your relationship. At some point, you husband is going to tire of your constant jealousy, testing the relationship, and need for validation. As you say, your husband tells you he loves you... Blah, blah, blah... It's never enough for you and one day when you exhaust him, he will leave... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realgrl Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 (edited) Is it okay for him to stare and show attraction as long as he comes home to me at night?? I feel trapped because how do I know when that line is dangerously close to crossing and to fight back? Flirting with another girl is out of question for me that is stepping over the line. What if it gets close to that and should I just let it happen or am I going to get blamed for this?? Edited April 16, 2017 by Realgrl Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Is it okay for him to stare and show attraction as long as he comes home to me at night?? I feel trapped because how do I know when that line is dangerously close to crossing and to fight back? Flirting with another girl is out of question for me that is stepping over the line. What if it gets close to that and should I just let it happen or am I going to get blamed for this?? Why are you so anxious about this? Has he actually cheated on you? Are you this anxious about other things in your life - or is this just how you focus your anxiety and insecurity in your life and about your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 (edited) To answer your question, my guy can look all he wants and I don't really care very much... If he did look excessively, rather than being present in the moment with me... that would be where we have a problem. Seriously, everyone notices good looking people. And, my guy can look because I have absolutely no concern that he would ever cross that line with another woman... And if he did ever cross the line, he would be welcome to her because he wouldn't be coming home again... Excessive worrying and anxiety will not make him be faithful or secure the lifelong commitment that you want from this man. It will, in fact, push him away from you because nobody wants to live with someone who is so anxious that they become obsessively jealous, controlling, and needy. At some point, you have to accept the fact that there are things that you can not control... there is risk in every relationship and if you can't deal with that and find some security, your relationships will fail because you will drive people away... I don't know what's happening in your life and your relationship... But if you have this much anxiety and it's making you this unhappy, you should really consider counselling. What you are doing is not normal, assuming that you are in a happy, healthy relationship. Edited April 16, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Is it okay for him to stare and show attraction as long as he comes home to me at night?? I feel trapped because how do I know when that line is dangerously close to crossing and to fight back? Flirting with another girl is out of question for me that is stepping over the line. What if it gets close to that and should I just let it happen or am I going to get blamed for this?? Maybe try therapy to help you with your insecurity. He is going to get sick of your behavior sooner or later then you will have a real problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Deal with your insecurity problem now before you become a second full time job for him to be married with. It's not a crime to have insecurities or issues, we all have something that needs fine tuned. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 You're trying to put your internal issues on your H...even if you leave him, you can't leave yourself.So leaving him is counter productive bc it won't help "you" at all. Stop placing the blame of your internal crap on your H & except you have an issues like an adult & seek help. Part of being an adult is not to deny one's weaknesses but to take ownership of your weakness & work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 Sounds like you have pitiful self-esteem and you project that insecurity by watching your husband like a hawk for even the slightest perceived sign that he is interested in other women. Either seek counselling or file for divorce. I'm not saying this guy is perfect, but what a miserable life to be tethered to someone who is this paranoid about the faithfulness of their partner. If he has, in fact, cheated on you before, then your concerns are more understandable. If not, then please consider the above. Relationships can be challenging enough without one of the involved parties behaving like a paranoid dictator. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Has he ever actually cheated on you? Had any of your past boyfriends cheated? Did your dad cheat on your mom or vice versa? Let's really break this down! Because you have way too much anxiety over NORMAL interactions. He can't avoid all women because he's with you. Can't watch a movie with a girl in it? Do you think this is normal? Honestly. Please let me know if you think this is normal. There's a reason why you are freaking out about this. What is it? Tell us that and we will try to help Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 Has anyone ever commented to you about him staring or checking out other woman? I know a girl who lost a great guy who was perfect for her over this issue. The thing is it was really all in her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
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