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Husband wants me to give up my career to be a housewife


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michigangirl

In the 11 years we've been together we have been married, had two children, he's survived pancreatic cancer, the recent death of his lifetime friend to cancer a foreclosure and a financial rebound. We have literally been through hell and back and I thought we could survive anything. I have already quit one job for him because he didn't like the unusual hours, I also passed on an incredible opportunity again because he didn't like that I would be gone for one weekend every 4-6 weeks. I was forced to quit a job that I LOVED and found a job in the same field, but more traditional work hours as a compromise. I feel like it was fair and while I'm not as happy as I was, I'm happy enough and I thought our issues were resolved.

 

Now, he's been involved in an incredible promotion in his career, and he's moved up from worker bee to company owner as he buys out his retiring boss. With this, his attitude toward my job, tasks around the house and helping me with the kids has backslid so far that I don't even recognize him. His newest thing is that I should be willing to quit my job now that we have enough money that I don't have to work for our finances. He wants dinner on the table when he gets home and he doesn't want to help with the kids or housework anymore.

 

I have never, ever given any indication that I wouldn't want to work. In fact, I've told him before that I can't picture myself not working, that I love my job, that retirement is a scary concept for me, and that my work is a part of who I am.

 

I love him, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my own ambitions and goals for him. I also only have one life to live and I have plans! I know for a fact that there are plenty of couples that are both successful and make it work but he refuses to acknowledge that. I feel like we're both at a point where we don't want to compromise. I feel like I have made all the career sacrifices I'm ok with. If I do quit, I will resent him for it, and if I don't, he'll resent me for it.

 

Is this where it ends for us?

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I would be 100% behind you if it wasn't for one thing - the pancreatic cancer.

Is he struggling? Is he in fact physically able to help you with the kids and do a full time stressful job?

 

I know it all sounds a bit macho and traditional, but he may actually NEED you to do this for the family.

 

Pancreatic cancer is not a good one to have, the prognosis long term can be poor. I am not saying that this is the case with your husband but you need to look at it from all points of view and not just from the POV of your career.

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He could very well be on his way out, has a big life insurance policy and is hoping you can hold things together on the homefront in the meantime. Near death experiences change men.

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michigangirl

Physically, he's fine. That was in 2009 and his prognosis was wonderful. They removed his spleen and about 1/3 of his pancrease to remove the tumor that was discovered. He's had follow-up after follow-up but per his oncologist, gastro-specialist and his primary health provider, he's in the clear. He/we were very lucky. That was the year we were foreclosed on after he couldn't work.

 

The loss of his friend has brought up some painful reminders and a fear that it could happen again, but physically, he's fit and healthy.

 

For brevity's sake, I left out in the first post that his boss' wife quit her job and stayed at home when they first started the company, and ever since this door has opened, my husband has been slowly turning into his boss, and he's made comments to me that I should be more like his boss' wife. I have actually had to say to him that "I'm not (boss' wife name)". It's getting very frustrating.

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I may get roasted here but what is best for your family? I am a proponent of at least one parent being there for the kids until they're independent. That said, I see all the other sacrifices you have made and commend you for that. What is best for your kids and for the family stays at the forefront of my suggestion.

 

Maybe a part-time job so you can be there when the kids are home from school? Talk this through and work together for a resolution.

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michigangirl,

How old are the kids?

 

If you've got enough money (as he says) then you continue to work and get a part-time nanny/housekeeper in to do the domestic stuff. That should keep everyone happy. :)

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michigangirl,

How old are the kids?

 

If you've got enough money (as he says) then you continue to work and get a part-time nanny/housekeeper in to do the domestic stuff. That should keep everyone happy. :)

 

I used to see this as a good alternative however I now, after knowing first hand that kids need their moms with them to teach them the family values and the maternal love that a nanny or babysitter can't or doesn't have the same values. A mother does this for genuine love of the kids, the nanny is doing this for money....not the same thing. Having kids is IMO a commitment to be a full-time parent, not an after 5:00 parent...scouts, room mothers, volunteers at school etc...actually being involved in the kids day to day lives. Again, just my opinion.

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michigangirl

Our kids are 8 and 4, and his parents have watched both kids for us since they were born. They'll both be in school full-time next year, (3rd grade and Young 5's). They've never been in daycare and have always been with family.

 

Moving to a part-time position would eliminate any chance I have of advancing. I'm not sure if it would hurt me worst to quit altogether, or to stay part-time and know that it's all I'll ever have. People who don't have that built-in drive to work and succeed don't understand. I know a lot of women who stay home and love it and that is something I can't understand. I love my kids and my family, but working for me is a need. It's not something I like to do, it's something I need to do, and that is the problem.

 

A housekeeper could solve the problem down the road (during the buy-out process it's not in the budget), but as it is now we both work full time and have kids, and I don't think it's unreasonable at this stage of life to have kid stuff everywhere and have to cook our own meals after work. My parents both worked and sometimes had odd hours and having working parents who did it all themselves was normal to me and it still seems acceptable.

 

I have always done most of the housework and dinner. He has never been responsible for getting the kids ready in the morning or bringing them home after work, or the other assumed responsibilities I accepted when we had kids. Nothing has changed other than his salary.

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If you love your work, don't quit. It is incredibly selfish of him to try to dictate your personal goals and satisfaction just to suit his preferences. He is not doing the same for you, obviously.

 

 

If anything, he should stay involved with the kids and help with housework, and not try to dump this on you. Eventually, he may regret turning into an absentee father, so help him to avoid this mistake. As someone suggested, hire help for housework, but keep the career you enjoy. You've already made too many sacrifices, IMO - it's time to think about yourself as well as everyone else.

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If its not the cancer then don't budge. Draw your line in the sand and hold firm. I live to work, I love the sense of purpose, the competition, the opportunities for education and above all making our clients successful. I'm assuming you are the same way, if so its part of who you are. Your husband is being selfish, he can use that big increase for a Mary Poppins. As long as you both make an effort to be involved with the kids and have family time there is no reason to put the breaks on anyone's career advancement.

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For brevity's sake, I left out in the first post that his boss' wife quit her job and stayed at home when they first started the company, and ever since this door has opened, my husband has been slowly turning into his boss, and he's made comments to me that I should be more like his boss' wife. I have actually had to say to him that "I'm not (boss' wife name)". It's getting very frustrating.

 

Unless it is a large company, the boss's wife does often tend to stay at home and becomes part of the business too. She takes up the slack and ends up running errands, manning the phone, receiving deliveries and even speaking to clients and doing the books and general office work...

If the old boss had that sort of support from his wife then your husband is going to feel a bit lost and alone.

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michigangirl

That is exactly how I am and I've never hidden that from him. When he met me I had 3 jobs! I've been able to narrow that down to just the one career that I love, and it isn't just a job, it's a career. I've become an expert at what I do, I'm a Director where I'm at, and that does define a large part of who I am.

 

I'm glad you get it. So many people think that having a family means having to give up who you are, but I'm more inclined to think that having a family means making it work so that every one in the family has a chance to explore their full potential, and I also believe that having parents who work and make it work at home teaches kids how to balance work and family. I want my kids to know that work gives both financial stability and personal purpose.

 

If I give up my job now, I feel like I'm failing myself, and also teaching my sons that it's ok to tell their future wives to give up their life goals. I'm not a feminist extremist, but I don't see why both husband and wife can't enjoy successful careers and share the family responsibilities.

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This is such a personal choice...I knew when I had kids I wanted to be the one that 100% raised them & or what would be the point. I worked for awhile to gain my experience through a fatal disease & what I personally learned is I wanted to present as much as possible bc one never knows what can happen. Maybe that's how he feels, he was sick for so long that now that he's well he is able to provide financially 100% & wants his kid's mother to be the one that a actually raises them.

 

Then I have friends that could never stay home all day & purposely have become the money makers in their marriage for their husbands to be more at home with the kids so they don't feel the guilt. Maybe your husband sees that a parent being home with the kids is more important than both parents putting more effort into work.

 

Is their a wrong or right...I don't know, more so personal preference but why don't you just ask him why he feels this way. You're saying "can my marriage be over" without really talking to him...which kind of shows you're an avoider, if so serious to end a marriage but not serious enough to sit down & have a heart to heart? That kind of doesn't make any sense.

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michigangirl
Unless it is a large company, the boss's wife does often tend to stay at home and becomes part of the business too. She takes up the slack and ends up running errands, manning the phone, receiving deliveries and even speaking to clients and doing the books and general office work...

If the old boss had that sort of support from his wife then your husband is going to feel a bit lost and alone.

It's not like that. He has an office manager who does all of that. The boss' wife didn't do any of that, she was just his "support". She also didn't like her career and with the financial gains she was able to leave a job she didn't love and chose to stay home and raise the family. Her and I are apples to oranges. I can't even talk about work anymore because if I say I am stressed or that anything negative happened, he uses that as ammo to tell me I don't like my job or that I should just quit.

 

He's even gone to the extent of telling his parents they wouldn't have to watch our kids anymore since I'll be quitting my job. I found out about that after I went to pick up the boys after work and my father in law asking me when I was quitting! I was furious!

 

I fully support my husband. He has tried several career paths and have always encouraged him to find the thing that will make him happy. I feel so lucky I have that in my career and I wanted that for him, too. Sometimes I feel like he's confusing "support" with something else entirely. I can be supportive but that doesn't mean I have to be at home waiting for him to need me 24/7. Had I known this was his expectation before he took this opportunity, I would have asked him to pass on it, or to at least establish a more realistic expectation.

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He's even gone to the extent of telling his parents they wouldn't have to watch our kids anymore since I'll be quitting my job. I found out about that after I went to pick up the boys after work and my father in law asking me when I was quitting! I was furious!

 

Perhaps you should try out his role. Tell his parents that he is quitting to stay home for the kids and be a house husband so you can pursue your career. Then ask him to sell the business and stay home as your support staff. See how he likes that! I'm sure he won't, and harbors some paternalistic double standards. It's time to call him out on that.

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If he's going to make enough money for you to quit work, then there will definitely be enough money to hire a housekeeper/cook.

 

Where does this leave your kids though?

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michigangirl
If he's going to make enough money for you to quit work, then there will definitely be enough money to hire a housekeeper/cook.

 

Where does this leave your kids though?

 

The kids would still be with the inlaws and at school during working hours as they are now. A cleaning person would be super helpful, and we would probably have the money after the buy-out is final after 5 years. In the meantime, we won't be seeing any significant salary increases since any increase now is being used to buy out the company.

 

Since he's bringing this up now, I don't know that he'll be willing to wait 5-10 years to hire a cleaning person. He's made it very clear what he wants, but I couldn't formulate a logical response when we started talking about this yesterday. It was heading for a fight which I wasn't prepared for, and I just needed some time to really think out my reply, which is what led me here today.

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michigangirl
You're saying "can my marriage be over" without really talking to him...which kind of shows you're an avoider, if so serious to end a marriage but not serious enough to sit down & have a heart to heart? That kind of doesn't make any sense.

 

I'm not an avoider, but I am trying to get my defense in place before he attacks me with his demands. He caught me off guard with this several times over the last few years and every time I've explained that I'm not quitting, but he keeps moving forward like I never said that. In his head, I've already left.

 

Yesterday when it wasn't a question, but a demand, I did avoid it because 1. We were on the phone and 2. It was going to result in a fight if he pushed it at that moment. It was just bad timing and we weren't even face to face.

 

In the past, when I gave up the two job opportunities that I was working so hard to pursue, he threatened divorce if I didn't choose him and our family over my job which is what led me to look for a different job that we could both live with. I made a huge sacrifice leaving my dream job and all of the opportunities it came with. For months I was in a depression and even now, 3 years later I choke up when I think about it. I did that thinking the issue was resolved but apparently it was just step 1 in his plan to turn me into a housewife - which I expressly told him I would never be before we ever got married.

 

At this point, I am absolutely thinking about this being the end, because I refuse to let his ultimatums dictate my life. Time has proven that even if I concede and do what he wants, he'll have a new demand down the line and I am just not that woman. Never have been, never will be.

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Talk about how proud you are of him for having this opportunity but also get him to acknowledge how fulfilling your career is to you. Remind him of the opportunities you have already given up.

 

 

Do mention the house keeper / au pair type person who could care for the kids, clean the house & have his dinner on the table when you both get home.

 

 

 

 

Ask him why it's so important that you behave like a stepford wife straight out of a 1950s TV show.

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Don't give up your job. why is your career less important than a his?

 

I would absolutely never do it in your position. Totally chauvinistic attitude.

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FortyandForlorn

He's asking too much of you. He knows that you like to work but he's still pressuring you to give up your job. That's not fair to you and what kind of example is that setting for your kids? That a mom can't have ambitions outside of the home? F that. If he wants a clean house and dinner when he gets home, he can afford to hire someone to do just that.

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Being bullied into giving up my career is the one and only thing I regret about getting married. The rest of the marriage wasn't great but I can live with it. But that particular thing and the selfishness that I know was behind it, I struggle with daily to forgive. Gee dont we live in such a fabulously egalitarian world! Yes there was sarcasm dripping from that statement.

 

I do know woman in strong stable marriages who have done this and loved it. It very much depends on your relationship.

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Don't have much to add except, what a great world this would be if people found self worth inside and not have it be based on what they do to earn money. It's has created such an imbalance and has really broken down families.

 

I'm not talking traditional roles, I'm talking​ people bringing​ children into the world then having other people raise them under a pretence of "needing to work" when really its driven by selfishness and a need for outside validation.

 

I missed my oldest child's entire toddler years because I lived to work, it's gone can never duplicate it....Now I only work to live, enjoy my kids as much as possible don't miss anything.

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I do know woman in strong stable marriages who have done this and loved it. It very much depends on your relationship.

 

..and on how much value you put on your career...

Some put very little value on their work and are thus very happy to give it up.

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michigangirl

@dkt3 - I am so sorry you feel that way! It's not entirely accurate, but I am sorry you feel that way just the same.

 

I do need to work. I go a little crazy sitting at home all day. I can't vacation. It's torture for me. I'm competitive by nature but it's not because I need other people's validation, it's because I am lucky enough to work in a field (happens to be a non-profit) that is mission-focused and it's something I truly believe in. When a career and a passion meet, it's truly life-changing. When I do my job well, lives are improved in my community and I have the ability to make a tangible positive difference in the lives of others. I love that! It has nothing to do with outside validation, and everything to do with what I believe is my greater purpose.

 

My husband, working in a corporate-minded environment has no concept of that. To him, work is money and nothing more. He wants to retire at 55 and "live" the rest of his life. What he doesn't understand is for me, my job is allowing me to "live" where before I was aimless and struggling to find how I fit into the world. Now that I have it I do not want to let it go.

 

It's hard to explain, but what he's asking me to give up isn't just a paycheck, it's a huge part of who I am.

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