Husband's dinners with female friends

[Newme2017]

My husband has been going out with a married male friend and 2 single female friends. They go out 4-5 times a year - usually for birthdays. My issue is that I have been told I am not welcome to go with them. They want it to be just them. He never takes me out on dates just us or with other couples alone. We only go out as a family. If we do ever go out it's usually for an anniversary and I'm the one who always plans it.

 

I feel like I should be able to go out with them if I want to. He has no issues with me spending time with his married male friend and his family- but I'm not allowed to join when it's their foursome going out. To me it's like watching my husband plan, get ready and go out on a double date every few months. Am in being irrational- he thinks I'm being irrational. I think it's disrespectful and that he spends more energy on them in a year than on me. It's not like he's not getting sex at home.

 

These are the only group of friends he keeps me from- any other group he expects me to be there for when there are Bbq's or group family dinners - even when he takes work colleagues out- he's asked me to meet them - so it's not like he's ashamed of being out with me. Why is this the only set of friends I'm banned from - I think it's completely wrong and disrespectful.

 

The last time they went out he called and requested for me to be ready for sex when he got home. So I feel something happened to get him worked up! I can't get over that in my head!

Edited March 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[somanymistakes]

It seems weird that he specifically excludes you from this group, yes. They're clearly up to SOMETHING that he doesn't want to share with you. Not necessarily sex, but something.

 

Have you talked to the other married guy's wife about it?

[road]

When something smells bad it is because it is rotten.

Married men do not go out on double dates.

If a spouse's behavior causes their spouse that much discomfort

they need to stop it.

 

 

Any man that puts a mate in front of their spouse is a louse.

[Mrin]

I think you may have already answered this question but have you let him know how much these outings bother you?

[Cephalopod]

WHAT???

 

Are you serious? Of course this is wrong of him to do. This is crazy!

 

Tell him next time he does this that he can just stay gone. He'll find his clothes in garbage bags on the porch.

 

What he is doing us hugely disrespectful. I can't even believe this is a question. Stand up for yourself!

[Els]

The issue isn't him going out with them, the issue is that (1) he specifically forbids you to join their dinners, which is a HUGE red flag, and (2) he doesn't put effort into dating you.

[Newme2017]

She doesn't seem to care but her husband is a social butterfly and it's a different marriage dynamic - he leads she follows- he also takes her out alot.

[MJJean]

You aren't irrational. He's specifically excluding you and he has zero respect for your feelings. He's actively putting "friendships" ahead of the marriage on his priorities list. Yeah, no.

 

Personally, I'd give him a choice. He can:

A) include you joyfully AND make more of an effort to spend time alone with you

 

B) ditch the "friends" AND make more effort to spend time alone with you

 

or

 

C) get a divorce an enjoy all the time out he wishes with his friends as a single man.

 

This would actually be a hill I'd be willing to die on.

[Newme2017]

It seems weird that he specifically excludes you from this group, yes. They're clearly up to SOMETHING that he doesn't want to share with you. Not necessarily sex, but something.

 

Have you talked to the other married guy's wife about it?

She doesn't seem to mind- but different dynamic and he takes her out a lot.

[Newme2017]

The issue isn't him going out with them, the issue is that (1) he specifically forbids you to join their dinners, which is a HUGE red flag, and (2) he doesn't put effort into dating you.

 

I don't have a problem with him having female friends or going out with them it's me being excluded on purpose that is my problem .

[Newme2017]

You aren't irrational. He's specifically excluding you and he has zero respect for your feelings. He's actively putting "friendships" ahead of the marriage on his priorities list. Yeah, no.

 

Personally, I'd give him a choice. He can:

A) include you joyfully AND make more of an effort to spend time alone with you

 

B) ditch the "friends" AND make more effort to spend time alone with you

 

or

 

C) get a divorce an enjoy all the time out he wishes with his friends as a single man.

 

This would actually be a hill I'd be willing to die on.

 

Exactly, this is a hill I'm willing to die on right now- I'm scared that he will be willing to die on it as well! I want to hope that he would take it seriously. It this has been something we have fought about in the past but I just can't continue to allow it over and over again for the rest of our lives.

[MJJean]

mispost so deleting

[MJJean]

Exactly, this is a hill I'm willing to die on right now- I'm scared that he will be willing to die on it as well! I want to hope that he would take it seriously. It this has been something we have fought about in the past but I just can't continue to allow it over and over again for the rest of our lives.

 

This is a test of his commitment to you personally and to the marriage. He has the power to change the situation if he chooses.

 

When DH and I first met he was close to a female friend of his and a friend of hers that he'd been hanging around with since High School. Similar behaviors. We went round and round for a long time. He said I didn't have the right to choose his friends, etc. etc. I finally realized that he was absolutely correct. I didn't have that right. However, I did have the right to decide if I wanted to continue being married to him. I explained my epiphany to DH and left the choice in his hands. Continue the friendship or continue the marriage, but he wasn't getting both. He realized I was dead serious and he hasn't spoken to her since.

 

You're actually way nicer about this than many women would be. You're not asking he ditch the friendships, just that he include you and that he treat you as well or better than he is treating his friends in terms of time alone and effort. Not much to ask. Not much at all. Expecting your spouse to treat you AT LEAST as well as he treats his friends is the bare minimum, really.

[Cephalopod]

Exactly, this is a hill I'm willing to die on right now- I'm scared that he will be willing to die on it as well! I want to hope that he would take it seriously. It this has been something we have fought about in the past but I just can't continue to allow it over and over again for the rest of our lives.

 

But you cannot be scared. You cannot live in fear that a man, who obviously has little to zero respect for you, may decide to divorce you if you put your foot down. '

 

Okay so he calls your bluff...so what? Are you willing to go on for years, allowing him to go on these double dates with his so-called friend and two single women? Dates? Bull*****! They are going to hotels to have sex. There's no dinner or dancing...oh maybe there might be room service or pizza delivery. He's lying his butt off and making a fool out of you.

 

Your husband is a lying sack and you need to start exacting some consequences on him. You are 50% of that marriage. He's not your boss, he's not your employer. Stop being scared of him

.

[sandylee1]

Why doesn't he take you out on dates? Have you ever planned a date for the both of you?

 

 

My DH and another male friend used go out with one single female now and again. Usually to the movies and I have no issues with it.

 

I've met her and the trio used to work together.

 

She's invited us to her home and she's a lot older than my DH, I don't see her as any kind of threat.

 

In your position and because I am a fan of "if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me", I'd be finding a single man or two to befriend and be going out with him a few times a year, or resurrecting a male friend from the past. If he's fine with that but then he can carry on with the until I've had enough and call time on the marriage or start pulling away from him.

 

I would say though, that I don't believe my husband has to meet all of my friends. He hasn't met all my female friends and I don't really socialise with male friends one on one, but I probably would rather socialise with them on my own if I did. Probably so I could let my hair down a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, but just be a bit more free.

 

The dynamic changes when your spouse is there and often conversations are about the old times.

 

 

I suspect they talk about sex, maybe in general terms and that gets him horny. This happens to me when I go out with my female friends sometimes too. We have general chats about sex and our partners and it can get you going a bit.

 

I really would start dolling myself up to go out and I bet you'll see him react to it.

[elaine567]

Who exactly are these single women "friends"?

 

Do you know them? Are they always the same ones?

Could they really be escorts?

 

Seems weird two married guys entertaining two single women and no-one else is allowed near...

[carolann]

How long has he been doing this and how long has he had these "friends"? Do these friendships predate you and your husband?

Not that it really matters.....you're being excluded and it's disrespectful.

Boundaries regarding OS friends need to be discussed...should have been discussed long ago.

Lastly, I can't imagine enjoying having sex with my husband after he returns from an outing like that; I'd prefer him to sleep in the guest room.

[Newme2017]

Why doesn't he take you out on dates? Have you ever planned a date for the both of you?

 

 

My DH and another male friend used go out with one single female now and again. Usually to the movies and I have no issues with it.

 

I've met her and the trio used to work together.

 

She's invited us to her home and she's a lot older than my DH, I don't see her as any kind of threat.

 

In your position and because I am a fan of "if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me", I'd be finding a single man or two to befriend and be going out with him a few times a year, or resurrecting a male friend from the past. If he's fine with that but then he can carry on with the until I've had enough and call time on the marriage or start pulling away from him.

 

I would say though, that I don't believe my husband has to meet all of my friends. He hasn't met all my female friends and I don't really socialise with male friends one on one, but I probably would rather socialise with them on my own if I did. Probably so I could let my hair down a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, but just be a bit more free.

 

The dynamic changes when your spouse is there and often conversations are about the old times.

 

 

I suspect they talk about sex, maybe in general terms and that gets him horny. This happens to me when I go out with my female friends sometimes too. We have general chats about sex and our partners and it can get you going a bit.

 

I really would start dolling myself up to go out and I bet you'll see him react to it.

I ask him to go out and he always says no- either doesn't want to spend the money or if we're doing something else as a family that weekend he thinks that's enough . He doesn't seem to have a problem putting in the same kind of effort into going out with these girls. He doesn't seem to have any problem letting his hair down when he's around other friends and I'm around. Or when he's just with the male friend's family. It's these 2 women that he all of a sudden can't have me be there for. Everyone else in his life I am welcome to be with. Old high school friends, college friends, other work colleagues . But these 2a it's a big no!

[Newme2017]

Who exactly are these single women "friends"?

 

Do you know them? Are they always the same ones?

Could they really be escorts?

 

Seems weird two married guys entertaining two single women and no-one else is allowed near...

 

They used to all work together - they became friends after mybhusband and I met so it's not like they were friends before I was in the picture. . One of them came to our wedding. I've met them before- so that's what makes it worse- it's not like I don't know them!

[Newme2017]

How long has he been doing this and how long has he had these "friends"? Do these friendships predate you and your husband?

Not that it really matters.....you're being excluded and it's disrespectful.

Boundaries regarding OS friends need to be discussed...should have been discussed long ago.

Lastly, I can't imagine enjoying having sex with my husband after he returns from an outing like that; I'd prefer him to sleep in the guest room.

 

He asked for sex- he didn't get it that night! I could not believe he actually asked me- he knows that o don't like him going out with them. How he thought I would be happy to sleep with him when he got home is beyond me- that's the thing he doesn't seem to get how wrong it isn't. He thinks I'm being ridiculous. These friends are old work colleagues . He met them after. He met me- they know me- 2 of the 3 were at our wedding. So ok for them to come to our wedding - not ok for me to go out with.

[sandylee1]

So are you saying if you organised a date he would not come?

 

Do you work?

Does your husband control all the money?

 

Is your relationship an equal one, because it doesn't sound like it is?

 

Do you ever socialise with either male or female friends without him?

 

In the absence of ending the marriage, you need to create a life for yourself and not just be a wife or a mother. Be you and have a blast

[Newme2017]

So are you saying if you organised a date he would not come?

 

Do you work?

Does your husband control all the money?

 

Is your relationship an equal one, because it doesn't sound like it is?

 

Do you ever socialise with either male or female friends without him?

 

In the absence of ending the marriage, you need to create a life for yourself and not just be a wife or a mother. Be you and have a blast

 

I work, I have my own money, it's not like we can't afford to go out together or separately. I have my friends and family, but I don't socialize with male friends and prohibit my husband from participating. My friends would never put that kind of restriction - they know I'm married, we always all include our partners in invitations. the only exception is obviously if we're having a girls night out, which I would expect to not be invited to a guy's night out and I encourage him to have those types of nights out. I have my own social life as well, but it is not something that makes him not be included. Again it's not that he can't have a social life, i just don't feel comfortable with this arrangement they have. it's not appropriate, it's disrespectful to me and our marriage, and if it's his friends who are putting this on him, he should show that his marriage is important by pushing back= it's not like they don't know me. What is being said and done that i can't be a part of, especially when he is extremely against anyone knowing about any issues/problems we may be having in our marriage, so if he's discussing us when he's out- well that's not an argument he should be using - because he strongly feels that is not appropriate either. I do think that one of the women may have at one time had a thing for him and she has barely spoken to me in the past. The 2 times i went out with them before i got completely shut out she seemed miserable but I've seen pictures of them out on other occasions where she's all happy, so i have a feeling she's where this is coming from- but can't be 100% sure. His male friend has sometimes made comments about how this is a tradition, and it shouldn't be changed and has been a little snarky with me- so it may be coming from him too. I really think it's them putting pressure on him. I trust my husband not to cheat, i don't trust the others, and i think he needs to show them a strong marriage and put a stop to their disrespect. by letting me go, he shows me he cares and respects our marriage, and he shows them that i am what's important and he wants to spend time with them but with me as well and we should all be friends not just the four of them like some double date.

[Cephalopod]

Until you put your foot down and start exacting some real consequences, the situation will not change. I;m a man, I know how selfish men are, and believe me the only way we learn our lessons is if they are hard-taught. You have taught your husband, through your inaction, that it is okay for him to disrespect you and take you for granted.

 

My mom always let my dad steamroll her, and it used to piss me off beyond belief. Finally, after I had left home, she got to her breaking point and kicked him out for being the ass that he was. They were separated for about a year, got back together, and within six months my dad was back to his old rude, mean self. She kicked him out again and and divorced him. He's an old man now and he spends his days pining away for her. It's really kind of sad, but I told him he brought it on himself. My mom is now remarried to a man who adores her, respects her and treats her like a queen.

 

Stand up for yourself and don't budge with him. Do not be afraid of ending your marriage. Life will not end if you have to kick his butt to the curb.

[aileD]

This is complete BULL*****.

 

He needs to be called out on that and you need to put a stop to these priveat nights out. "Not allowed". F*** that. You're married, buddy. You don't get to have nights out with other women that your wife isn't allowed to go to.

 

And this girl who has a crush needs a wake up call.

 

Have you checked his phone for messages form these girls or do they only talk once a month when they go out?

[elaine567]

I do think that one of the women may have at one time had a thing for him and she has barely spoken to me in the past.

The 2 times i went out with them before i got completely shut out she seemed miserable but I've seen pictures of them out on other occasions where she's all happy, so i have a feeling she's where this is coming from- but can't be 100% sure.

they became friends after my husband and I met

 

YOU can't put up with this.

I guess an affair, ongoing or in the past maybe.

You need to do some detective work here.

DO NOT confront him keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open.

IF he IS having an affair then he is NOT your friend, he will do anything to put you off the scent, so asking him about it is useless, he will just lie and lie and lie and learn to be more careful and you will find out nothing.

 

How to Not Get Caught Cheating: 14 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow