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Head Is Spinning


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So I am going to try and make this as fluid as possible. I will tell you now that it's not fluid in my head and I'm trying to sort it out myself. I will start by making two lists: what I know and what i don't know.

 

WHAT I KNOW

1) I LOVE my wife

2) we're still committed to marriage

3) I'm angry and jealous

4) I'm lonely

5) (leaving this one open for now.... )

 

WHAT I DON'T KNOW

1) How to fix it

2) What to think

3) Why

4) How to level the playing field

 

So let me begin by saying that we've been married for 6 years. It's definitely had its up and downs. I'll try to make this as concise and ramble free as possible.

 

I had a back injury that required surgery and between the wait, surgery, recovery, and pain beds I was 'out of commission' during a large chunk of our second year of marriage. She brought up the idea of an open relationship because she wanted some needed attention (I get it) - but at this point it was only an idea.

 

After my recovery I deployed for a year and during that time she was seeing another guy (with my permission). We kept in open communication about it and it added some zest to the conversation at the time. We had some pretty well established rules of conduct and she did well at following them. The deal was that I would be able to play too once I got home.

 

I got home and (as you guesses) she wasn't too big on the idea once I cashed in my chips. This was definitely a stressor and caused some heated debates. I felt pretty cheated and hurt.

 

We moved to a new location and in that move we decided that it would be good to have a clean start for us. Once we did move she made some pretty major decisions without my input (enrolled in grad school and didn't tell me about it until it was 90 days away from attendance). Grad school would be a 3 hour drive away - which meant we would be apart due to my job. A 3 hour drive is no big deal on the weekends - but it makes the weeks really long. She ended up seeing other men during her time there.

 

I really have only been with two other women - both didn't last because she realized how much emotional investment (detachment?) it takes to do stuff like this. So I haven't done it since. I took to hanging out with friends playing cards on Friday nights and she was lonely at home and resented me being gone - which added more stress and confusion to the home environment.

 

I'm at home and lonely while she's in school. We had a pretty big blow up and she picked up on how angry and jealous of her I am, which I easily agreed to. She literally gave me free reign to do whatever I want in order for me to 'be happy.'

 

I'm sure as this thread progresses I'll add a few more things - these are the basics though.

 

I'm beside myself as far as what to do. My job consumes the majority of my time and the weekends are all we have. I can't say that I have a lot of time to myself other than the time I'm with her. She's living the college life right now so her network of friends is much larger than mine (classmates and whatnot).

 

Complete honesty:

I have not been perfect in this and my anger has gotten the better of me at times. I've raised my voice a few times but that's as far as it's gone. I have told her a few things are non debatable in those instances (no specifics really - I was angry at the unfairness and wanted what I wanted). That didn't help but I left the situation feeling like I manipulated it - and it came back to get me later.

 

Anywho... thoughts? I'm sure I already know what some of you are going to say. I'm just here for validation. And some support. Maybe some jokes....

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You do not want the same things as her.

 

 

She wants an open marriage for her but not allow you to have the

same.

 

 

Divorce her, now, as in ASAP.

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ExpatInItaly

Your marriage is all but over, OP.

 

She wants other men. You only want her.

 

She makes big decisions without even bothering to let you know.

 

Time to file. I'm sorry. I just don't see how this could be saved.

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For me, this marriage would have been over in the 2nd year, back when she was telling you she wanted to bang other guys while you were lying helpless and in pain from the surgery... it's not too late. Start the process now to free yourself while you are still young enough to find someone else.

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If I read this correctly, then you gave her the okay to see another guy. And then she saw more.

 

You also saw two women while married.

 

Yet the two of you are committed to each other.

 

Please look up the definition of commitment in marriage and see if either of you are willing to follow that definition.

 

My guess is that this marriage was over when she asked and you okayed the idea of her seeing another man while you were deployed.

 

Both of you should move on. Next thing is there will be a child and you will not know whose it is and she will say it is yours and then the problems really begin.

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GunslingerRoland

She sees other men, whether you want her to or not. While you are laid up with an injury or deployed. She makes major life decisions without involving you.

 

Are you sure you aren't just a paycheque for her? I know that sounds harsh, but really she seems to have 0 care for your feelings.

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I'm not sure how you come back from the 1/2 open marriage. She wants other guys but isn't crazy about you with other women. You tried but discovered you prefer monogamy.

 

 

Her making the unilateral decision about grad school a huge financial commitment in & of itself is problematic. The fact that she can't attend & live at home shows she's mostly out the door of this marriage.

 

 

What if anything is she doing to keep you two together? It doesn't seem like she is part of a solution.

 

 

As an injured vet you are entitled to certain services from the VA. Avail yourself of them, especially the mental health ones. You have a lot to deal with . . . whatever damage was caused by your physical injury because even though you were well enough to deploy, it doesn't mean you will ever be 100%. Then all the domestic drama & the demise of your relationship. You don't have to go it alone.

 

 

Sadly sometimes love does not conquer all. Unless she is willing to move home; go to grad school on line; forsake all other men & attend MC you can't fix this. Sorry. Good luck.

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In that entire post, you never once said what it is that you want. You want her to stop going to school there? Stop seeing other guys? Come home and act like a traditional wife? Let you join in her fun?

 

This right here:

She brought up the idea of an open relationship because she wanted some needed attention (I get it)

is shocking enough. Really? You understood that point of view? If it had been her lying there, you would have asked for the same thing? You know, because an invalid spouse can't do their marital duties, right?

 

This is laughable:

 

We moved to a new location and in that move we decided that it would be good to have a clean start for us. Once we did move she made some pretty major decisions without my input
It sounds like you made the clean start decision and she was arranging for a new venue from which she could find new men.

 

Do I have this right?

I really have only been with two other women - both didn't last because she realized how much emotional investment (detachment?) it takes to do stuff like this.
She can see other men, but it is emotionally draining for her if you're with other women? But now she's relented on that, right?

 

As far as I can tell, she wants to bang other guys. I'm not quite sure if she still likes banging you.

 

Who knows what you want?

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You are kidding right...

 

Come on, really? You agreed to any of this? Why weren't you getting laid while on deployment? Happens all the time when you get some leave or back at the main camp.

 

Wow. Look, there is nothing wrong with an open relationship. That is not this. You are doing the hot wife thing and you don't even get to watch.

 

If you want to be Monogamous divorce her, if not, divorce her and get a better, more fair partner for your next open R.

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somanymistakes

You may want to find a different forum to talk about open/poly issues because a lot of people here have no experience with them and are going to treat the whole idea scornfully as if you were doing something ridiculous to begin with, which will drown out the actual problems you ran into.

 

Polyamory is hard work.

 

To clarify on my end, did she actually take up with someone else while you were injured, or did she just talk about the concept and then you reached an agreement later when you were well and going on deployment? It makes a difference, because while being lonely and wanting more support while you're temporarily disabled is understandable it's also an awful thing to do to a spouse to pressure them in that way and make them feel inadequate when they're already down.

 

Another question - did you actually want to see other people yourself, or were you doing it just to even the scales with her? To 'level the playing field' like you said?

 

Do you think you would have been happier if she and you had gone in for more of a swinging situation - sex with others, but with your partner still involved, and a 'no relationships' rule - rather than trying to develop outside relationships?

 

The biggest problem I can see in this whole story overall is that distance keeps developing between you, from very early on in your marriage. You were ill. Then you were deployed. Then she went off to school.

 

You keep not seeing very much of each other. This has two major risks as far as I can see:

- one, that it makes you grow apart because you don't see each other and get used to not relying on each other

- two, that ironically it keeps you technically married long after the point where you've become incompatible because you see each other so little that you can keep pushing the problem down the road and not talking about it

 

 

If you want to save this marriage you HAVE to find a way to work on it TOGETHER. You desperately need more time doing things together and either restoring your bonds or recognising that the bonds are broken.

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All great replies... thanks for the feedback.

 

Absolutely have I considered everything that all of you have said about commitment and her willingness to contribute.

 

What do I want? Ultimately i want to be happy and find balance.

 

somanymistakes: Thanks for the heads up about posting in the right location. I honestly had no clue about the forum.

 

You're right - it is hard work. Thanks for your reply.

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lucy_in_disguise

Do you want an open marriage, or are you going along with it because she has effectively opened it up? For example, if you could start from scratch, would you still want to work out an open arrangement, or do you prefer monogamy?

 

It could be the way you are telling the story that is rubbing readers the wrong way. You write as though all the decisions in your marriage have been mostly unilateral, and you have gone along with them out of fear of losing your wife. For example, the fact that your wife suggested an open marriage to get her needs met while you were recovering from surgery seems horrible. However, if you had previously discussed that an open marriage was something you both wanted, the suggestion (and your reaction) are more understandable, though, imo, that is not the appropriate timing to go down that road.

 

In other words, more context around the open marriage would be helpful.

 

That being said, the fact that she decided to enrol in a grad program that requires her moving away, without consulting with you, is very alarming, and indicates serious communication issues at minimum, but more likely, that she is completely checked out.

 

You know your wife better than us and can make a better assessment regarding whether she is truly committed and wants to make this wlrk. But taking your story at face value, that does not appear to be the case. Please realize you don't have to settle for scraps out of fear of losing someone. You deserve a relationship that is supportive and meets your needs.

 

It sounds like you're struggling to identify what exactly needs to change for you to be happy. Seeing a counselor can help with this, empowering you to make explicit requests and establish better boundaries ( even if it means losing her).

Edited by lucy_in_disguise
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This is all very simple -

 

- she's just not all that into you.

 

She shares a mailing address and joint accounts with you now because marriage provides a level of comfort and security.

 

On Tuesday she will tell you that she has a new job offer and a new man and that she will be moving that weekend and will send you the divorce papers once she gets settled in and has time to get to the courthouse.

 

The problem is I don't know which Tuesday that will be so I suggest you start getting your legal and financial affairs in order now and start coming down to earth and realizing you have no where even close to the wife and marriage you were hoping for.

 

Time to wake up and open your eyes.

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All great replies... thanks for the feedback.

 

Absolutely have I considered everything that all of you have said about commitment and her willingness to contribute.

 

What do I want? Ultimately i want to be happy and find balance.

 

somanymistakes: Thanks for the heads up about posting in the right location. I honestly had no clue about the forum.

 

You're right - it is hard work. Thanks for your reply.

 

There is not going to be any balance. You opened Pandora's box by allowing your wife to have sex with other men, for no other reason than it seems she just wanted to. You blew it my friend.

 

Your wife is not interested in a monogamous relationship. The two of you want different things. Divorce her.

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