To porn or not to porn

[Pinkfrosting77]

I have been with my husband for 9 years now. Our constant battle has been over porn. My husband has watched it, in what I think is excessive. 5+ times a week, and lies to me to my face about it. I have sat with him and asked for attention from him. I went a year without him putting his hands on me. I offered to watch it with him, I offered homemade videos, I offered pictures, I have bought toys, lingerie, I have bought books. I have tried to cry, yell, get mad, relate to him what begging for his attention does to me. This past time I confronted him with his excessive use, and me being lonely as a result, I took my wedding ring off and left for the weekend. He then told me the same thing he told me a year prior, "he would change, it's just temptation, I mean more to him than anyone." I am breathless, my stomach is upset. I know I am still very much in love with him. I am just so tired of being alone.

I feel like if I give him this chance that he will make a fool of me. If I do not, I will take everything away my kids love about their dad. To be fair he is a great dad. I took him to a sex shop this past weekend and asked him to show me what he likes, and told him that I want to be involved in his sex life. He couldn't. I don't know if it's my pride, that hurts, or my ego. He tried to be more open this time I can see it. I'm just not sure how to get over or move past this. I feel suffocated when I'm around him. That I am wasting my love on someone who can't love me like this in return. I don't know what to do.

[elaine567]

Don't waste another second of your life on this guy.

A complete waste of your time.

[Simple Logic]

I think your past time to file for divorce. Maybe that will snap him to reality, if not, nothing will and end it.

[elaine567]

Porn is just easier.

You don't have to court porn. You don't have to take it to dinner and listen to it's problems. You don't have to buy it a house or give it children. You don't have to relate to it or care about it. You don't have to make a lot of money for it or fix things around it's house. You don't have to romance it or rub it's feet.

 

All you have to do with porn is click a button and then let it stimulate and arouse you.

 

Porn is the lazy man's love life.

 

That's what makes porn so insidious and dangerous to a relationship. With porn a person (man or woman) can get it's basic needs met without putting in any effort or doing any heavy lifting.

 

Real life women need heavy lifting no matter how open and accommodating and willing they think they might be. When a man keeps his own tank empty he has no need to relate to, romance, seduce or cherish his partner.

 

This is a problem. A bigger problem is it may take more than simply saying he isn't going to do it anymore and pulling himself away from the computer for a few nights. He may need professional intervention if this is a true porn addiction. It may take professional intervention for him to realize the harm he is causing his marriage. It may take a professional to make him understand the hurt he is causing his spouse. And it may take a professional to get him to step away from the shemales and become stimulated and aroused by his flesh and blood wife again. #25

[RecentChange]

He has a porn addiction.

 

Maybe losing you will be his rock bottom. Maybe it won't....

 

Like any addict, he has to want to change. He has to see how his addiction is affecting himself and others.

 

Will he go to counseling?

 

This isn't about you, and is about is inability or lack of desire to control himself and make positive changes in his life.

 

It's mind boggling how many men are willing to throw away love, relationships, sex with a flesh and blood woman in favor of beating their own meat to a screen.

 

It's not healthy or acceptable. You can force a rock bottom, or keep enabling this destructive behavior.

[Jj66]

When they prefer porn to you as evidenced by his going a year without touching you it's a serious problem. Does he have other addictions or is it just porn?

[Pinkfrosting77]

No he does not have any other addictions besides this that I know of. In all honesty I can't understand how porn can be an addiction.

I do both think I am unattractive, and I am not over weight. He tells me all of the time I'm easy for him. It's a shame I have to consider ending my marriage because of this.

[elaine567]

Five Stages of Addiction

 

 

1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
   
2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.
   
3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
   
4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.
   
5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.
   

The Stages of Pornography Addiction

[somanymistakes]

Anything can be an addiction if it's done to an unhealthy degree - if it's interfering with your life. And this is.

 

Most people don't become addicted to porn, simply being exposed to porn does not create an addiction. In the same vein, most people don't become addicted to shopping. But compulsive shopping does exist and IS a serious problem for people who suffer from it. So don't worry about "how" it can be an addiction - just focus on the fact that it IS a problem and needs to be addressed.

 

It's clear he can't break this habitual behavior on his own. He needs to see a counsellor and work on WHY he does this, and why he's so unable to reach out to you about it.

[RecentChange]

One thing I often ask my self when judging the actions of others.....

 

Do they WANT to be like this?

 

Or is there behavior more likely the result of addiction and/or mental illness?

 

Given a choice, do you think he would say "Yes" I would like to live a life where I masterbate to porn every day and no longer have sex with my wife. To the point that her self worth is shattered and she will seek a divorce.

 

Yes - this is the path I choose.

 

Or rather - perhaps his situation is the result of a habit becoming an addiction that he no longer has impulse control over?

[birdmom5]

This is one of the most difficult discussions to have because of what other people think is acceptable! Would he go to counseling? There are some great resources out there for this issue. I'd be happy to share. I have been there and for about the same amount of time it was an issue for us also. I'm happy to say for the last 4 years, it has not been. We particularly used Covenant eyes.

It's possible! Its possible but it takes work and accountability!! Hang in there!

[AngryGromit]

The Stages of Pornography Addiction

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If half of what this article says is true, half the men in the state would be rapists. This is an extreme situation, that probably only arises less than 1/10 of a percent of the time at the most.

[preraph]

Well, if he doesn't even want sex from you, then sounds like you've just become his mommy. I certainly wouldn't offer to go to extreme lengths to have sex with someone who isn't interested. He is porn-addicted. But the equally big issue is he doesn't give one crap about what this is doing to you and your family, and THAT is the part that justifies divorce. Kids will know what he is doing and model after that, no matter how careful you think you are and if you divorce and he gets some custody, he'll be doing it right in front of them. As one who grew up around someone who also liked porn, back when it was just magazines, I found myself dressing like one of the porn girlies on his shop mirror and realized it one day, because that's what I was taught sexy meant. That is what your children learn from this. He's doing it too much for it not to be general knowledge. Plus there's nothing warm between you two, so how will your kids learn what love is in a real relationship?

[oldshirt]

Porn is just easier.

 

I was in agreement with that quote and then it started sounding a little too familiar LOL

 

But yes, porn is easier and asks nothing of you. Real relationships and real intimacy require work and give and take.

 

You really need to treat it like it was another woman and treat it like an affair because in a way it is an affair. All of his warmth and sexy and affection and attention is going to the porn and his own hand and is not going to you.

 

What would you do if he was banging some other chick 5 days a week and not touching you for a year?

 

Do that.

[NTV]

Can you get the internet disconnected?

[oldshirt]

Can you get the internet disconnected?

 

That is like telling the spouse of an alcoholic to simply lock The liquor cabinet.

[BourneWicked]

I porn. I think my boyfriend porns. Occasionally, we've porned together. We have sex on a near daily basis.

 

If porn means he is unable to be intimate with you, that's a problem. Sorry that I don't have a solution - but my point is, if you're okay with it, porn isn't the worst thing in the world. If you aren't okay with it, there are a lot of men that feel the same way you do. For you, lack of intimacy is the ultimate issue. If he can't see you in a sexual light, that's the root problem.

[deadend17]

My thoughts on this.

 

Sex is dirty, doesn't want to deal with cleanup.

Porn is easier and has variety.

He is not attracted to your body.

He likes implants.

 

Next time you have a tension free day and he is just getting into bed, goto bathroom and put on lacy bra and underwear. Turn the light on in the room so he can see your body and stand in front of him. I'm willing to bet that will work.

[VeveCakes]

If half of what this article says is true, half the men in the state would be rapists. This is an extreme situation, that probably only arises less than 1/10 of a percent of the time at the most.

 

Spend more time here...like 5 threads on this in just a few days. This is the future thanks to normalization of porn.

[somanymistakes]

Spend more time here...like 5 threads on this in just a few days. This is the future thanks to normalization of porn.

 

Spend more time here and read all the threads in which people view porn and absolutely nothing bad happens.

 

Unfortunately, official research on porn addiction has been limited and scattershot, more focused on individual therapists wanting to promote their own services to get paid to help, less on identifying the true scale of the problem. There are no really solid, reliable, large-scale numbers as far as I can see. With a bit of looking for what percentage of porn viewers are 'addicted' to it, I find guesses of 1%, 1.5%, 8%, 10%, 20%, 50%, 60%... these numbers are all over the place. No one's agreeing on methodology, even. The science is absolutely not settled.

 

Quite interestingly, apparently among religious communities where there is a strong tendency to believe that porn is inherently bad, people are likely to self-report that they are "addicted" to porn if they ever look at it at all. Because they feel like they shouldn't, so if they find themselves to be tempted and give in, even just viewing one vanilla porn video a year, they will say that they are suffering from an addiction. While this behavior is obviously very upsetting to them, it makes it even harder to talk about what percentage of porn viewers have serious life-damaging problems, if so many people are reporting themselves as 'addicts' for almost nothing at all.

 

Clearly, some people DO manifest obsessive porn usage that damages their lives and relationships.

 

However, even if you accept that porn addiction is on the increase, these people reporting problems are reporting addiction-like problems, NOT suddenly morphing into rapists.

[VeveCakes]

Ok then... there is plenty of research to show the harms of porn addiction. Do I care if people use porn? No. Do I care if it harms others? Yes, and if you weren't pro porn you would realize that the making, distributing, and now watching of porn is damaging countless lives. But please continue on your parade to promote something that CAN damage ones lives. Did I say everyone who watches turns into an addict? No I didn't.

 

And FYI, there have been many cases in serial rapists and killers that their addiction to porn was the gateway to more violent and severe sex acts. So don't act like it doesn't happen.

 

In regards to the OP, it is effecting her life in a negative way, and that is why I share my thoughts.

[William]

This is a thread on a member's marriage, not pornography in general, hence responses are to address the content offered by the starter regarding their marriage. Our search engine can easily find a number of general pornography threads if members wish to discuss pornography in general. Thanks in advance for your cooperation in staying on the topic.