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Depression in a relationship


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Hello all. I am hoping to get some input from those here who have dealt with depression, from either the side of the person with depression, or from the side of the partner.

 

My fiancée and I have been together for about a year and a half now. During that time she has shared with me that she has had bouts of depression, as well as anxiety. I don't necessarily know the level of severity, but she did open up with me that she once wrote letters to her family, and boyfriend at the time, and took the preparation steps to commit suicide. She ended up not doing it because of some unrelated things that came up that day and in the end I guess the feeling passed, but point being that this tells me that it is of a significant enough level that it can be quite bad.

 

That said, I had not saw her 'depressed' at all over the first year of our relationship. And it’s not such that she always is (isn’t on any continuous medication but does have some for point in time). Lately she has had some things pile up on her that put her into a bit of a state. She started sleeping more, quiet, detached. We are in separate cities for the time being so being disconnected plays an added toll. We are typically overly communicative and have an odd sense of being able to read one another quite clearly. We burn hours away just analyzing ourselves and how we think and act and love learning about ourselves through one another. When she is sensing a depressive state coming on, she is smart to recognize it and take her medication accordingly for some time. So she is doing great from that perspective

 

My difficulty is this: This closeness that we have with one another is great. I have never felt so understood by someone, or felt I understood someone so well. We constantly ask how the other is feeling, and make a point to answer that question honestly. It leads to good conversations. It has brought us to hard conversations also, but ones which have allowed us to get in front of smaller issues early rather than them grow and fester. It’s been our mechanism to ensure we give ourselves the best chance at success. So when she goes into a depressed state, it is hard to navigate. Two days ago she missed taking her pill for a day. I didn’t know that, but I saw her go from bubbly and connected to not wanting to talk for more than a few minutes, sleeping most of the day away so missing our conversations, telling me she would work with me on something in 30 minutes only for several hours to go by, and going out with friends with little or no contact back to see how each other is doing. At the time I didn’t know she missed a pill so I felt ignored, excluded, confused as to whether she was mad at me, and then mad myself for what felt like a disrespect for my time.

 

I shared my feelings with her and it was hard for her to hear. She was bothered by it bothering me, and doesn’t want to be a burden…she is sorry I have to deal with this. My position is that I WANT to be part of this…that the only thing difficult for me is being kept at arm’s length and not being part of this with her. I want to be in this with her, as much as I can be with something of this nature. Her position was that this is her struggle, and in these moments I just need to read that she is not well, and rather than asking what’s wrong, give her the space and be ok with not being included. She said she doesn’t want to have to be explaining to everyone all the time about how bad she feels. To me, I don’t feel like everyone….I feel like her significant other who wants to be the person she shares it with. Even the context of that conversation was the first indicator to me that she missed a pill and was depressed….I thought I must have did something she didn’t like until then. She explained that she can’t be talking with me all the time and available all the time, but I think it misses the point….I am not upset at missing the phone calls….but I do need her to communicate to me that she is feeling off so that I have that context. Don’t I? At least that’s how I feel. I feel lost not knowing and being left on the side while she battles it alone. I want to be as partnered with her through it as I can be, not just for her sake, but also for the sake of knowing where I stand with her when I get such mixed signals.

 

I know that I likely need to train myself to be ok with not being so communicative, but that’s hard for me when our relationship is generally so transparent now (it has taken some bumps to get there). But it feels like the best way to do that is to change my expectations and harden my heart a bit to expect less. Meaning if she seems distant, stop trying to connect; if she says we will do something in an hour, treat it like a maybe and don't let it influence my own plans/agenda. It seems wrong. I don’t want that to lead to an eventual state of no longer caring because I have subdued my feelings to the point of losing them in order to protect my own heart from the hurt of being held away in those moments.

 

I could really use some help, hearing from those who suffer from depression and willing to share a window into how to best handle. And from those who have had a partner with depression, how did you change your ways to manage? Were you pushed away? How did you remain close despite that? And how did you keep it from impacting you over time?

 

Thanks all. I appreciate the input.

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What you describe in her are classic symptoms and behaviors related to depression. The good thing is that her medication is effective and she takes it most of the time.

 

Be in this relationship or don't but you are making yourself the center of attention when you find her uncommunicative. It isn't about you, and you have to change your own behaviors. Knowing what you already do about her, you should already know that when she goes into an inactive and uncommunicative state, it isn't because she wants to.

 

It has nothing to do with you. It isn't something for you to fix, or a problem for you to solve. It isn't disrespectful of you, because there's no intent. Leaving her alone when this happens may not make it better, but accusing her of anything negative (like disrespect or willfully ignoring you) will make it worse. It's up to you.

 

Assume that when she's withdrawn that to her you do not exist. You seem to have approached this by assuming that she's fully aware of your presence and expectations, and she's intentionally being unresponsive or inactive just to hurt you. Look at it from her point of view, at times and temporarily, you don't exist - nothing does. During those episodes, she doesn't experience the world and perceive human interaction the way you do. Don't expect her to.

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What you describe in her are classic symptoms and behaviors related to depression. The good thing is that her medication is effective and she takes it most of the time.

 

Be in this relationship or don't but you are making yourself the center of attention when you find her uncommunicative. It isn't about you, and you have to change your own behaviors. Knowing what you already do about her, you should already know that when she goes into an inactive and uncommunicative state, it isn't because she wants to.

 

It has nothing to do with you. It isn't something for you to fix, or a problem for you to solve. It isn't disrespectful of you, because there's no intent. Leaving her alone when this happens may not make it better, but accusing her of anything negative (like disrespect or willfully ignoring you) will make it worse. It's up to you.

 

Assume that when she's withdrawn that to her you do not exist. You seem to have approached this by assuming that she's fully aware of your presence and expectations, and she's intentionally being unresponsive or inactive just to hurt you. Look at it from her point of view, at times and temporarily, you don't exist - nothing does. During those episodes, she doesn't experience the world and perceive human interaction the way you do. Don't expect her to.

 

That is helpful, thank you. And you are totally right...last night I walked away feeling like the conversation turned something that was happening her to be about me. But until that conversation I didn't know it wasn't, to be fair. I hadn't enough experience of her in a depressive state to even recognize it as such. All I knew was that she went from normal to being resistant to interacting with me. We made a commitment to one another to be open about how we feel....like I mentioned, an intention to make sure we solve problems before they fester. The normal me would have tucked my hurt feelings in and just went on with my day, but the reason I shared the hurt was specifically because that's what she has asked for. So between not knowing I was dealing with a depressive state, ans wanting to provide her with the emotional transparency she has asked for, the outcome was exactly as you mentioned...it became about me, and she felt worse.

 

That is not at all what I want. And so I need coaching on how to deal with this? Do I shelter her from how it makes me feel despite my commitment to share? Do I pretend I am ok with it when I am desperately concerned and wanting to know how she is doing with the same transparency? Or is it that I just need to get myself to the point of just not caring about the details so much and support from a distance? For starters, after this experience I am a bit better armed to identify it at least, but it is very counter intuitive for me to stand back and wonder when I care about her so much.

 

Thanks again. Your answer helps.

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My ex husband has depression and anxiety issues, and is also one of the most charismatic, charming, engaging, kind, funny people I've ever met. When he went through bouts of depression, it was very difficult for me to feel like I was losing a connection with that person, especially since he is pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone else even when he's feeling bad. Of course it's not about you, it's about them and the hard time thy're having, but it's hard not to take it personally.

 

Ultimately, his inability / refusal to consistently try to deal with his mental and emotional health, even after periods of feeling suicidal and being completely nonfunctional, was a serious problem for us. I was unhappy and unsure about our life together, even though I loved him very much, and ended up having an affair. Our marriage ended as a result. (To be clear, the affair was 100% my fault, I'm not blaming him. But those issues can definitely lead to relationship problems, which I dealt with in a shltty way.)

 

So..... yeah. It's tough. I would say that the person's approach to managing their issues is the most important indication of what to expect in the future. Does she see a counselor? Keep up with semi regular exercise and healthy eating? How much of the time does she take meds? Going on and off them can just exacerbate the problems, not to mention that depressed people often don't recognize that they're depressed, so taking them "just when she needs them" might not be sufficient.

 

I wish you luck... I'm happy to discuss more if you have any questions or anything.

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I am the depressed one.

 

 

When it's bad I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to hide. Everything is difficult. I have a prestigious high powered job but there were days I couldn't make it out of my walk in closet. IF I could even get out of bed, the decision of what to wear was simply overwhelming & I'd end up on the floor sobbing. My poor husband had no idea what to do this because normally I'm a high functioning individual.

 

 

All you can do is be there for her. Hug her. Tell her you love her. Do not expect that she will give you good communication in return & do not try to force her. If you press for info all you will do will cause her to shut down. Do encourage her to get some sun when she is very depressed. The Vitamin D helps.

 

 

On your end it's about patience. If she had cancer or some other disease you would not expect that you could cure her so don't think it's on you to fix her mental health.

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It sounds like you are really committed to your partner and I think that's wonderful. However, it is difficult and painful for you when she pulls away. My brother suffers from depression ,so we devised a method to let me know when he is feeling badly and just needs some space. We agreed on a simple statement some time ago and he uses it when necessary. It can be anything like "there are no frogs in the garden." Then I know to let him be until he is ready to talk. It sounds silly, but it works for us. I hope this is a help for you.

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My ex husband has depression and anxiety issues, and is also one of the most charismatic, charming, engaging, kind, funny people I've ever met. When he went through bouts of depression, it was very difficult for me to feel like I was losing a connection with that person, especially since he is pretty good at putting on a good face for everyone else even when he's feeling bad. Of course it's not about you, it's about them and the hard time thy're having, but it's hard not to take it personally.

 

Ultimately, his inability / refusal to consistently try to deal with his mental and emotional health, even after periods of feeling suicidal and being completely nonfunctional, was a serious problem for us. I was unhappy and unsure about our life together, even though I loved him very much, and ended up having an affair. Our marriage ended as a result. (To be clear, the affair was 100% my fault, I'm not blaming him. But those issues can definitely lead to relationship problems, which I dealt with in a shltty way.)

 

So..... yeah. It's tough. I would say that the person's approach to managing their issues is the most important indication of what to expect in the future. Does she see a counselor? Keep up with semi regular exercise and healthy eating? How much of the time does she take meds? Going on and off them can just exacerbate the problems, not to mention that depressed people often don't recognize that they're depressed, so taking them "just when she needs them" might not be sufficient.

 

I wish you luck... I'm happy to discuss more if you have any questions or anything.

 

Thank you for sharing. It's those sorts of stories that can help me know what sorts of pitfalls to watch out for. I can certainly understand how it could be the kind of thing that degrades a relationship over time, even with the best intentions. Speak up at how it makes me feel, and I make it about me and make her depression worse. That doesn't work. But, bottle up my feelings and how it inpacts me, and I am not sharing and perhaps over time I diminish my feelings for her as a means to protect my heart (unintentional but maybe uncontrollable too). It's a worry I have. I think it takes a good understanding of the depression and I am a rookie at the moment.

 

Thanks for the information.

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I am the depressed one.

 

 

When it's bad I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to hide. Everything is difficult. I have a prestigious high powered job but there were days I couldn't make it out of my walk in closet. IF I could even get out of bed, the decision of what to wear was simply overwhelming & I'd end up on the floor sobbing. My poor husband had no idea what to do this because normally I'm a high functioning individual.

 

 

All you can do is be there for her. Hug her. Tell her you love her. Do not expect that she will give you good communication in return & do not try to force her. If you press for info all you will do will cause her to shut down. Do encourage her to get some sun when she is very depressed. The Vitamin D helps.

 

 

On your end it's about patience. If she had cancer or some other disease you would not expect that you could cure her so don't think it's on you to fix her mental health.

 

Thank you for your willingness to share. I really truly appreciate it. I can only imagine the struggles and that's exactly why I benefit from your sharing...it helps me invision what she goes through and helps with my learning. She is also a high performing individual professionally. So it's hard to see sometimes. It's helpful to see it from your perspective. Thank you

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It sounds like you are really committed to your partner and I think that's wonderful. However, it is difficult and painful for you when she pulls away. My brother suffers from depression ,so we devised a method to let me know when he is feeling badly and just needs some space. We agreed on a simple statement some time ago and he uses it when necessary. It can be anything like "there are no frogs in the garden." Then I know to let him be until he is ready to talk. It sounds silly, but it works for us. I hope this is a help for you.

 

It sounds perfect actually! It's funny...we have added some silly little phrases ourselves for other things. She interrupts and talks over a lot (innocent repricussion of being the youngest in a big house of loud individuals! Lol) and that drives me crazy. So rather than call her out on it and make her feel bad, I say "clown shoes" to draw attention to when she is doing it. It's purposely silly so she laughs and realizes it and stops. I on the other hand have no ability to identify rhetorical questions so when she delivers one and just wants to be upset at something, she has a key to pull me back in when I try to start answering her questions analytically.

 

I like that idea. I think when the time is right I will propose it. Thank you

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Remember her depression is not about you. If she is feeling low, just let her know you love her. Don't give advice or picks fights/arguments. And most of all, showing her your disappointment that she forgot to take her pills isn't helpful. If there is a next time just gently suggest ways of her to remember (setting a clock or phone to go off as a reminder).

 

Read up on depression and anxiety. Google depression fallout, there are some pretty good articles on there as well as an ebook to download.

 

Is she in counseling? If not, that is something she needs to consider doing. Meds can only do so much.

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Remember her depression is not about you. If she is feeling low, just let her know you love her. Don't give advice or picks fights/arguments. And most of all, showing her your disappointment that she forgot to take her pills isn't helpful. If there is a next time just gently suggest ways of her to remember (setting a clock or phone to go off as a reminder).

 

Read up on depression and anxiety. Google depression fallout, there are some pretty good articles on there as well as an ebook to download.

 

Is she in counseling? If not, that is something she needs to consider doing. Meds can only do so much.

 

Thanks very much. She isn't in counseling, but I know she has been before. And regarding her pills, ya she is back on them after missing that one day and is back to her normal self again. We had a great talk today and she's back to the connected woman I know. But overall this was a new experience and a learning for me. Please keep the advice coming as I want to arm myself best I can to ensure I am giving us the best chance I can.

 

Thanks again.

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