Financial disloyalty

[LSD]

I don't know how I should feel about finding out hubby has been financially helping his aunt (who he loves as his own mother) for the past couple of years...behind my back. The bigger shock is knowing that he didn't tell me himself, especially when in the past WE have sent thousands of dollars to help out with weddings of his cousins (same aunt's kids). I feel betrayed that he chose not to share this info with me or even discuss it, which is something a husband and wife SHOULD do before making any financial decisions.

 

I don't currently work (stay-at-home mom until kids are in school full time), so maybe I feel like I don't have a say (or maybe in some ways he feels that way.) He has a good job, and we're financially ok for the most part. So in some ways, I feel guilty for not being able to readily accept him helping his family out, but when I look at them, I don't see why they're struggling. Two of her adult (married) kids are doctors (recent graduate). Her husband co-owned a pharmacy until a few years ago, and due to some family feuds, he lost his share. He seems like a good man with great health, but he hasn't tried to look for a job to support his family. So my husband feels responsible to help them out.

 

He has apologized for not telling me (and he probably wouldn't have told me, if it weren't for a sibling of his blurting it out in front of me), but I feel hurt, and betrayed. I feel like I was cheated on...like he was disloyal to me. I feel like I can't trust him and keep wondering what else he's hiding.

 

It also bothers me that the said aunt has never tried to keep in touch with us. Any connection that's been there in the past had been my initiative. My hubby sees her as a mother figure (his mom passed away when he was a kid), and although I can see the love she has for him, I don't see any such affection for our kids. She calls him while he's at work and rarely ever calls at home.

 

Am I being selfish? Am I overreacting? I don't know what's bothering me more, the hundreds of dollars that we could've been saving for our kids' future, or how long the financial help will continue, or the fact that it never occurred to him to ask/tell me.

 

We had a huge fight when I first found out, but I tried to get over it - after he profusely apologized, saying he thought he had already told me. But I still can't seem to shake it off. It keeps haunting me. I had another talk with him yesterday (about how I can't get over the fact that he hid it from me for so long.) I feel like I can't trust him. He asked (in an emotional blackmailing way) if I want him to stop helping out his aunt, he will stop sending the money. (I couldn't tell him to stop because deep down I know he'll continue lying to me.) He uttered a few words of apology again (for keeping it from me), and since then he's been walking around like a martyr.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm losing sleep over it. Maybe I need someone to tell me that I'm overreacting and being very selfish, just so I can try to make my peace with it.

[Whoknew30]

He shouldn't have lied but you're being a little too much..."feels like he cheated on me", it's nothing like that. He's helping out a woman that helped raise him & it seems bc you don't have that same type of relationship with her, it bothers you.

 

I personally (as a SAHM myself) think you're over thinking it & you have way too much time on your hands. If it makes him feel good, back off. It's not like he's blowing rent on drugs or gambling...you're mad bc he's being a nice guy to a old woman he loves.. Really, think about that sounds.

[VeveCakes]

He shouldn't have lied but you're being a little too much..."feels like he cheated on me", it's nothing like that. He's helping out a woman that helped raise him & it seems bc you don't have that same type of relationship with her, it bothers you.

 

I personally (as a SAHM myself) think you're over thinking it & you have way too much time on your hands. If it makes him feel good, back off. It's not like he's blowing rent on drugs or gambling...you're mad bc he's being a nice guy to a old woman he loves.. Really, think about that sounds.

 

I dunno I disagree. In a marriage finances should be clear and open. This would be worrisome to me because what else is he not telling you? Why does the aunt need help for so long?

[Whoknew30]

I dunno I disagree. In a marriage finances should be clear and open. This would be worrisome to me because what else is he not telling you? Why does the aunt need help for so long?

 

The women helped raise him...she's stating more into than just money "aunt never calls the house" which means it goes further than just the money itself.

 

Yes spouses come first but they can also forget that people had close family before a spouse enters their life picture...I could care a less that my H was being a good guy to his aunt...to start reading more into is a complete sign of insecurity with in the person that's reading more into it. My parents raised me & if I have the money that isn't affecting anything, it's no one's business but mine & my parents if I help them out. People that raised you are your family forever, spouses may not be.

 

This whole new insecuritys within spouses having to be like "me, I'm the most important, if you don't tell me everything & anything, I'm now so insecure"...is ridiculous IMO. If a spouse starts making a big deal out if good deeds just bc you weren't alerted, it's not going to make a spouse open up more...it's going to do the opposite.

[VeveCakes]

Ahh no. Financials should be transparent in a marriage. Why do you think it's the leading cause of divorce.

 

If he's just being a nice guy he should have just told his wife. Secrets never do anyone any good. Doesn't matter if his aunt is mother Teresa, that is not the point.

[NTV]

You're overreacting and being very selfish.

[mikeylo]

Recent graduate doctors are knee deep in debt for their studies.

 

It's not ' a woman ' he has helped out. He places her on his mother's seat. Deal with it.

[Simple Logic]

It sounds like your family is financially sound. I do not see it as a problem.

[somanymistakes]

He should have told you - any major expense really needs to be known about by both spouses.

 

However, the weird way you're reacting, getting upset about it and feeling that any money he uses to support someone he loves as a mother is being stolen from your children's futures, may factor into why this happened. You mentioned spending a lot money on the cousin marriages previously - were you angry over those? Might he have picked up on the idea that you would be bothered by this?

 

I understand why you're upset, being the stay-at-home one can leave you with a feeling of helplessness in financial situations, especially if your spouse makes decisions without you. He shouldn't have done it. He probably didn't mean to hurt you, but doesn't recognise that this can feel quite upsetting.

[Got it]

Nope, I disagree with others, he should have told you. Financials are supposed to be transparent and regardless of who is working and who isn't, these are joint decisions. There is financial infidelity and you have ever right to be upset especially since you don't feel he would be honest with you if you weren't conceding to what he wants to do. This is a MAJOR deal. What else would he choose to lie about.

 

My husband and I are transparent on all financial dealings and we are both aware and consent to any expenditures we are doing, for family and for other reasons.The issue isn't that he is being charitable, it is that he wrote you out of the decision making process entirely.

 

I REALLY question those that are saying otherwise would be whistling a different tune if you were the breadwinner and this was your SO who was taking money without saying anything.

[olivetree]

I'm surprised by the lack of empathy here.

 

It's not okay that your husband lied to you (by omission).

Finances should be out in the open.

I think it might be different if you were a controlling abuser but it sounds like this is not the case at all.

You have been quite generous in the past and just wanted to be consulted.

 

You feel cheated on because it's financial infidelity.

I think most people would feel upset about this.

You just need to decide what you want to do now.

 

If you want to repair the relationship and build trust again, consider joint counselling together.

[Whoknew30]

Ahh no. Financials should be transparent in a marriage. Why do you think it's the leading cause of divorce.

 

If he's just being a nice guy he should have just told his wife. Secrets never do anyone any good. Doesn't matter if his aunt is mother Teresa, that is not the point.

 

Leading cause of divorce is not having enough finances, not finances alone. Statistically it's when a bread winner loses their job is when the divorce rate sky rockets.

 

The point is she's mad about her husband is helping someone that helped raise him. She's making a nice thing he's doing into about her...I hate to see if it was a real problem, how she would react. If a spouse wants a problem, the can find it very easily.

 

Part of a truly healthy relationship is being secure enough to allow your partner some breathing room to make choices they feel that's right. Had it been drugs, gambling & or their bills not being payed, ok it affects them but she didn't say that. He made a move without her, that doesn't seem to affect her...it's completely healthy, only insecurity would bring out such a reaction in this situation, which is all on her.

[LSD]

Thanks for your honest feedback, everyone.

 

In the fourteen years we've been married, I have been all for helping out family and have happily done so in the past.

 

At the beginning of our marriage, he took out a 20 grand loan (with the knowledge that it would not be paid back) to help out a family member, without my knowledge. I found out months later, when I realized we were financially struggling. I was upset, but we both worked and paid off the loan. Then he was asked for another big amount, and that was the only time in our marriage that I ever discouraged him from helping out a family member. I didn't want another loan on our hands, as it took years to pay off the previous one, especially as I was expecting, and we were going to start a family.

 

Over time, our financial situation improved. We (together) have happily helped pay for his cousins' weddings, and in the past, even helped out the aunt on a regular basis. I never discouraged him. Then he told me they were doing better, so he stopped sending the money a few years ago.

 

So this revelation caught me off guard. My reaction/overreaction was for the fact that he felt he had to hide it from me. Other than the ONE time I discouraged him, I've always been ok with helping out family. Maybe he felt he needed to hide it because it's double the amount now. I don't know.

 

For the person calling it insecurity on my part, please try not to judge a person or give blanket statements based on one issue they share. I don't demand or expect my H to share every part of his life with me, or think that I own him. But when there are issues that concern/affect us as a family, then I think I have a right to know. And I'm glad to read there are others who agree.

 

Thanks again for your honest feedback. It actually helps me feel better.

[LSD]

I'm surprised by the lack of empathy here.

 

It's not okay that your husband lied to you (by omission).

Finances should be out in the open.

I think it might be different if you were a controlling abuser but it sounds like this is not the case at all.

You have been quite generous in the past and just wanted to be consulted.

 

You feel cheated on because it's financial infidelity.

I think most people would feel upset about this.

You just need to decide what you want to do now.

 

If you want to repair the relationship and build trust again, consider joint counselling together.

 

Thanks for your kind words. I have considered counselling, but to be honest, I feel petty for wanting to seek counselling for a "problem" that's seen as a good deed on his part. I'm not looking for him to stop helping out his aunt. All I want is for him to realize that we're partners, and that he shouldn't be hiding things from me, especially when I'm not a mean or unreasonable person.

[LSD]

The issue isn't that he is being charitable, it is that he wrote you out of the decision making process entirely.

 

This. That's the gist of my reaction. Thank you!

[d0nnivain]

You are right to be upset. He should have talked to you about it. Him saying sorry isn't enough.

 

 

I'm troubled by the idea that he admitted he never would have told you but for another person spilling the beans. Saying he thought he told you isn't good enough.

 

 

My first Q is for you? Why aren't you paying enough attention to your families finances that you didn't notice these payments. Even if DH & I don't tell each other about expenditures, all we have to do is look at the monthly statements or pull up the account on the computer.

 

 

If he's willing to tell you about stuff like this going forward, you need to find a way to get past this. He sounds like a basically good guy whose heart is in the right place.

[Whoknew30]

Thanks for your honest feedback, everyone.

 

In the fourteen years we've been married, I have been all for helping out family and have happily done so in the past.

 

At the beginning of our marriage, he took out a 20 grand loan (with the knowledge that it would not be paid back) to help out a family member, without my knowledge. I found out months later, when I realized we were financially struggling. I was upset, but we both worked and paid off the loan. Then he was asked for another big amount, and that was the only time in our marriage that I ever discouraged him from helping out a family member. I didn't want another loan on our hands, as it took years to pay off the previous one, especially as I was expecting, and we were going to start a family.

 

Over time, our financial situation improved. We (together) have happily helped pay for his cousins' weddings, and in the past, even helped out the aunt on a regular basis. I never discouraged him. Then he told me they were doing better, so he stopped sending the money a few years ago.

 

So this revelation caught me off guard. My reaction/overreaction was for the fact that he felt he had to hide it from me. Other than the ONE time I discouraged him, I've always been ok with helping out family. Maybe he felt he needed to hide it because it's double the amount now. I don't know.

 

For the person calling it insecurity on my part, please try not to judge a person or give blanket statements based on one issue they share. I don't demand or expect my H to share every part of his life with me, or think that I own him. But when there are issues that concern/affect us as a family, then I think I have a right to know. And I'm glad to read there are others who agree.

 

Thanks again for your honest feedback. It actually helps me feel better.

 

Well look at your reaction...it goes beyond the money or you wouldn't have included "she doesn't call when he's at work"...had it been just about the money you wouldn't of brought that up....if you look for a reason to want to be upset you'll find it. If my only problem in marriage was finding out my H was helping out a aunt that raised him, is considered that a blessing, not an issue.

[VeveCakes]

Leading cause of divorce is not having enough finances, not finances alone. Statistically it's when a bread winner loses their job is when the divorce rate sky rockets.

 

 

Please supply your source for this claim - because it is completely untrue. Many families who are financially stable divorce or where the money is spent, who it is given to etc. It's not just about not having money.

[Davey L]

It's a question of the amount. I do not expect to have to discuss it with my wife, or account for it, if I give someone a small amount. I've often given my step-daughter £100 when she's needed some money without telling my wife But if it's enough to significantly affect my wife, say enough that we'd have to go without a holiday, then I would have to discuss it with her first.

[Got it]

Leading cause of divorce is not having enough finances, not finances alone. Statistically it's when a bread winner loses their job is when the divorce rate sky rockets.

 

The point is she's mad about her husband is helping someone that helped raise him. She's making a nice thing he's doing into about her...I hate to see if it was a real problem, how she would react. If a spouse wants a problem, the can find it very easily.

 

Part of a truly healthy relationship is being secure enough to allow your partner some breathing room to make choices they feel that's right. Had it been drugs, gambling & or their bills not being payed, ok it affects them but she didn't say that. He made a move without her, that doesn't seem to affect her...it's completely healthy, only insecurity would bring out such a reaction in this situation, which is all on her.

 

Absolutely not true. Can you cite your source on this? She is NOT upset that her husband is doing something charitable. She is upset that he has chosen to lie, hid, and manipulate to make an independent decision against her.

 

Money is the leading cause of stress in relationships

[Tribble]

Thanks for your kind words. I have considered counselling, but to be honest, I feel petty for wanting to seek counselling for a "problem" that's seen as a good deed on his part. I'm not looking for him to stop helping out his aunt. All I want is for him to realize that we're partners, and that he shouldn't be hiding things from me, especially when I'm not a mean or unreasonable person.

 

This is why counselling would be a good idea. To be able to air out exactly why you are upset in a safe place where you will be heard. The problem is not that he is helping out a family member, it's that he hid this from you. He very likely doesn't understand why you are upset about it.

 

I think people saying you are looking for problems and are selfish are off base. This is about honestly and transparency. It is especially concerning that this issue has come up in your marriage previously and lending money caused you to struggle financially and have to pay off a large loan. If he'd told you about it, I gather that you wouldn't have a problem with it and there would have been an issue.

 

I also detect a little that you think they are taking advantage of your husbands generosity. That is why you've brought up things like interest in your lives etc. There is a difference between helping out a family member when they are struggling and funding someone living beyond their means.

[Whoknew30]

Please supply your source for this claim - because it is completely untrue. Many families who are financially stable divorce or where the money is spent, who it is given to etc. It's not just about not having money.

 

Ummm, 10 years working with therapists, psychologists & sitting in multiple MC & IC sessions & years of reading data & studying marital issues.

 

My major nursing & switched into psychology, while working in the psychology unit.

 

 

Lack of finances (which includes if someone spent too much) is the leading cause of divorce, when going by finances. Yes, people with money get divorced & then fight about money while going through a divorce...completely, two different issues pertaining to finances.

 

Most couples could care a less how much their spouse spends if their financially "ok". As I already stated, but spending is putting the couple in a hole...that's when people get upset & want to leave...not just bc the spouse lied about spending.

[carhill]

As legal partners, IMO it's fair each partner should be concerned about, and apprised of, how the partnership's assets are being managed. The version I was socialized into, very traditional, had the breadwinner, actually a government accountant, leaving money management to the house manager, his spouse, with periodic reports on the trends and specifics. I saw this most markedly reviewing cancelled child support checks decades later where the checks were written by the manager, his wife, and signed by him.

 

OP, I believe you have a healthy focus here, a focus on the transparency and clarity of your partnership and the communication between you and IMO should remain steadfast in achieving those goals. You're a team of the most intimate sort. Actions by both partners should reflect that.

 

Your H may not fall into the 'I earned it so I can spend it' trap but it is one many men do fall into when they're the sole breadwinner. Yep, he earned it and the partnership facilitated that and owns it. It belongs to the partnership and the members have right to disclosure and any relevant negotiation and equal respect. I hope you can resolve this as a team and continue to enjoy the benefits and positive feelings regarding your charity and help.

[aileD]

My quick thoughts-- he should have told you. Because he didn't it means he thinks you would have disapproved. Why?

 

I've been cheated on, it's nowhere near the same. But I understand that you feel betrayed.....but count your blessings he's giving money to a relative instead of giving his body and heart to another woman.

 

How much money are we talking about? $100 a month? Or what? If it's thousands we have a problem. ....

 

Do you want him to stop? If you don't...then you're going about this alll wrong. Your reaction is proof (in his mind) that he was right to keep it from you because, "my goodness, look how you reacted".

 

I learned something doing customer service that I use now in life conversations.... APT. Acknowledge. Pause. Transition.

 

"I understand that you want to help your aunt, you have a kind hesrt and that's what I love about you". PAUSE...if he continues talking keep acknowledging till you can pause without him talking....then transition into your needs "how can we talk about these things in the future so that we both have knowlege because I was really hurt to find out ....not about the money but that it was kept from me"

 

This isnt about money. The underlying issues are that he felt he couldn't tell you and you feel you don't have a say because you don't work. You need to communicate thru those root issues

[Jj66]

It's not infidelity but it is unilateralism. He's treating you as a lesser partner in the marriage and that's wrong.