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Relationship issue [I canít see myself marrying her the way things currently are]


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 14th March 2017, 10:52 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by MJJean View Post
Most adult relationships are limited to weekends and maybe an evening during the week here and there simply due to life responsibilities. So, yes, 4 years is more than enough time to know. Many make the decision, one way or another, far sooner.

After this long, if you don't want to marry this woman then you are wasting both of your time. Time that both of you could be spending seeking compatible mates.

So what if you have emotions invested? It's a dead end relationship. Sunk Cost Fallacy.
So what do you suggest?

She wants a certain type of ring which I'm not ready to make that type of investment right now on jewelry right now. I feel since she's into material things, that's just one of many requirements she has which she will never be satisfied.

Most of the time, we enjoy eachother's company and right now, things have settled, so you're just suggesting to just break up right now?
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Old 15th March 2017, 8:03 AM   #47
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Why break up with her? You enjoy her company. Doesnt mean you have to marry her. Let her Mommy pay her bills, and enjoy your relationship with her.

Marriage with her would be a HUGE disaster for you. Likely would ruin your life. I agree with 4 years being more than enough time to know if you should marry someone. Most people know in 6 months. Even just dating on weekends. You have so many doubts about her, as you should, for being a life partner.

Dont you think you deserve more? How will you even find someone you are more compatible with and can love you back, as long as you are dating this person, who you know deep down that you can't marry.
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Last edited by Whodatdog; 15th March 2017 at 8:18 AM..
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Old 15th March 2017, 8:26 AM   #48
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So what do you suggest?

She wants a certain type of ring which I'm not ready to make that type of investment right now on jewelry right now. I feel since she's into material things, that's just one of many requirements she has which she will never be satisfied.

Most of the time, we enjoy eachother's company and right now, things have settled, so you're just suggesting to just break up right now?

I'm suggesting you talk.


As for the ring, she has to wear this piece every day for the rest of her life. Don't you think she deserves to get what she wants? If the cost is really disproportionate, perhaps a smaller size, a lesser metal (white gold vs platinum) or clarity to save money. When asked I specifically said I wanted the rating that had occlusions / flaws as long as they weren't easily visible to the naked eye.
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Old 15th March 2017, 9:43 AM   #49
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So what do you suggest?

She wants a certain type of ring which I'm not ready to make that type of investment right now on jewelry right now. I feel since she's into material things, that's just one of many requirements she has which she will never be satisfied.

Most of the time, we enjoy eachother's company and right now, things have settled, so you're just suggesting to just break up right now?
So what if you enjoy each others company most of the time? I enjoy a lot of different people's company most of the time. Doesn't mean I want to spend the rest of my life with them!

She's looking for marriage. You aren't ready to marry and, even if you were, you don't want to marry her specifically. So, what are you doing wasting everyone's time?

If she was "The One", you'd know. You'd have known for a while now. You'd be over the moon or at least very excited about the prospect of spending each and every day with her for the next few decades or so.

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I'm suggesting you talk.


As for the ring, she has to wear this piece every day for the rest of her life. Don't you think she deserves to get what she wants? If the cost is really disproportionate, perhaps a smaller size, a lesser metal (white gold vs platinum) or clarity to save money. When asked I specifically said I wanted the rating that had occlusions / flaws as long as they weren't easily visible to the naked eye.
Eh, I disagree. The ring you buy when getting engaged isn't necessarily the one that will be worn forever. Most couples I know have had 2-3 wedding ring sets over the years. Some married couples buy a less expensive ring set and upgrade later as income improves. Some buy a new set simply because their tastes have changed. Others because the old set wore down a bit and they want something more sturdy. On and on.

Besides, the truth is that you don't need more than a plain wedding band and some people don't wear rings at all.

I got married for the grand total of about $600, rings included. $500 for a matching set of plain white gold bands dipped in platinum and the rest on marriage license fees, parking fees, and fee for the Justice of the Peace who performed the ceremony. Would I have liked a pretty ring set and a "real" wedding. Eh, sure. Did I need it? Nope. I needed to be married to the love of my life. Everything else is just details.

Last I checked, "for richer or for poorer" was part of the vows. If this woman isn't capable of letting go of her materialism to accept the "poorer" part, she's not marriage material anyways.
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Old 15th March 2017, 10:02 AM   #50
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Call me a romantic but when we got engaged I enjoyed the idea that the ring that DH used to propose was the one which would grace my finger forever. (We were also over 40 so budget wasn't as much of an issue). Some of my friends from college got upgraded diamonds as finances improved.


Wanting a ring just to show off is a problem because it's not about the materialism but I wanted a nice ring. Then again my idea of nice isn't that extreme.


But the OP & his GF have to talk. He's making assumptions that if she doesn't get all this stuff that she won't marry him. While he's probably right since he knows her, what if he's wrong & those are only wishes not deal breakers?


I mean I'd love a Maserati but I don't know how to drive a stick & I don't have $150k lying around to waste on a car. Doesn't mean I can't lust when I see one or every so often cajole this guy I know to take me for a ride in his.
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Old 15th March 2017, 12:23 PM   #51
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I feel she lives in somewhat of a fantasy world.

She likes to shop on Instagram and will spend $400 on a pair of shoes and bought a $1300 Louis Votton Purse.

She doesn’t cook or clean, and every time I go to her house, her room is filthy.
So if you Marry her, you'll have a Wife that doesn't cook or clean and loves to spend money. You'll have a filthy house with molding takeout containers all over the house and empty boxes of the crap she ordered online. Not to mention high credit card debt.

If this was me, I'd dump her and move on. She's spoiled, you better off without her no matter how good you get along together and the sex is.

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One day, she stormed out of the house after a disagreement (NOT even an argument) and didn't talk to me for about 5 days, deleted herself off fb, along with our relationship status. I didn't call her either because I felt she was the one in the wrong, AND I feel like I'm always being the one to resolve arguments. Not that time.

Then I'm awakened by her in my apartment in the middle of the night that Friday night/early Saturday morning. Needless to say, we resolved it
She was testing you, to see how far she could push things. If you came crawling back to her, begging for her to take you back, she own you. When you didn't come back, she saw exactly how far she could push things. Obviously to her your a keeper, if he see's me as the self centered slop I am and doesn't run, he's for me.
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Old 15th March 2017, 9:25 PM   #52
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Call me a romantic but when we got engaged I enjoyed the idea that the ring that DH used to propose was the one which would grace my finger forever. (We were also over 40 so budget wasn't as much of an issue). Some of my friends from college got upgraded diamonds as finances improved.


Wanting a ring just to show off is a problem because it's not about the materialism but I wanted a nice ring. Then again my idea of nice isn't that extreme.


But the OP & his GF have to talk. He's making assumptions that if she doesn't get all this stuff that she won't marry him. While he's probably right since he knows her, what if he's wrong & those are only wishes not deal breakers?


I mean I'd love a Maserati but I don't know how to drive a stick & I don't have $150k lying around to waste on a car. Doesn't mean I can't lust when I see one or every so often cajole this guy I know to take me for a ride in his.
Most people I know, peers as well as my parent and grandparents generation, that were married did it in their early 20's. By the time a lot of them were in their 40's most had a different set of rings either due to loss, theft, hating the tone of gold, hating the setting, thinking the setting dated them, upgrading to a bigger setting, or because of extreme weight gain or loss.

I kid you not, my grandma had 3 sets to match her outfit and other jewelry accessories.

I think the most romantic ring upgrade I ever saw was my former neighbors 25th anniversary vow renewal that included new rings.

As the OP describes this woman, I don't think he is concerned she wouldn't marry him. I think he is concerned she wants to marry him and that she will be miserable and he'll be in debt because she has champagne tastes and they'd have a beer budget.
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:09 AM   #53
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I want to thank everyone for their helpful insight.

I admit there's been some circumstances that's made it hard for either of us to walk away. My Dad getting sick and paralyzed, Her Dad dying last year, we've needed eachother's support. So I don't feel like it's always so black and white where we can always say, we're wasting eachother time by staying together 4 years, especially when we have that breathing space that still makes it bearable.

It's not like I haven't given her a choice. I've told her many of times that if she's unhappy that I'm not ready to get married, I love her enough to let her go find what it is she's looking for. Especially in the middle of an argument where she has a pattern of threatening or giving ultimatums in a serious talk or an argument. Its gotten old to me and alot of times I call her bluff, but she usually goes back on her decision.

I guess the main thing I might be bothered by from some of the responses here is, people are making it seem like I'm holding her hostage and like she doesnt have a choice in the matter. I'm not misleading her. I've told her many times what I expect and it resorts to her pouts. She will start silly arguments, threaten to break up, then the next day she acts like everythings fine and she will be back talking about marriage like nothing ever happened.
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:41 AM   #54
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Obviously, why would she change when you dont follow through Witt your threats? She continues being a lazy mooching cow and you continue to date her.

She won't get the wake up call until you actually follow through and even then she may never change. She isn't young... she is most likely going to be a do nothing B for the rest of her days. You need to decide if you want to be her sugar daddy or not.
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:48 AM   #55
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Dating is an interview and probationary period to get to know each other and see if you are compatible and a good fit to get married and have a home and family together or not.

You now have gotten a chance to know her and know if she is the right fit or not.
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Old 17th March 2017, 1:59 AM   #56
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I have a friend that married a girl like this. An Italian princess. They had two kids then they D. She would never lift a finger in house work and was very materialistic.

Do not marry this girl. She has to learn to stand on her own first.
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Old 17th March 2017, 2:30 AM   #57
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Obviously, why would she change when you dont follow through Witt your threats? She continues being a lazy mooching cow and you continue to date her.

She won't get the wake up call until you actually follow through and even then she may never change. She isn't young... she is most likely going to be a do nothing B for the rest of her days. You need to decide if you want to be her sugar daddy or not.
Thanks VeveCakes.

I see what you're saying but I'm a little confused by the bolded statement. Follow through with my threats? Are you referring to the many times I tell her she's free to go anytime she gets ready? Because my statements aren't threats, hers are.


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I have a friend that married a girl like this. An Italian princess. They had two kids then they D. She would never lift a finger in house work and was very materialistic.

Do not marry this girl. She has to learn to stand on her own first.
Thanks usa1ah, very helpful.

My girlfreind always saying things like "If i were married i'd cook for you, clean, make up the bed, etc. I often picture us with a family and get nervous that I'd be the one doing all of the work.

I observed over the years, She was always looking to her parents, She's always waiting on her mom to cook something, her Dad was the breadwinner, and her Mom hasn't worked since 2010 due to a layoff, but she did the household duties.

One thing her Dad did before he died. My gf was always trying to get him to help her buy a car. But he said, you work, you don't contribute anything, so she acctually went with her mother and they got her new car.
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Old 17th March 2017, 4:47 AM   #58
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One thing her Dad did before he died. My gf was always trying to get him to help her buy a car. But he said, you work, you don't contribute anything, so she acctually went with her mother and they got her new car.
She's a child. It's a shame her mother didn't allow her to grow up (or force her to), but you can't fix it now. A parent's job is to give them wings let them fly away. She has no intention of flying anywhere.
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Old 17th March 2017, 5:11 AM   #59
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Did you even read what we wrote?
Just bc someone lives with their family doesn't mean they don't pay bills...I know doctors & lawyers that live with there parents, they can very much afford to be in their own. I think it's complete ignorance to even state something like that without personally seeing someone's bills for themselves.

OP...man up. Tell her you don't want to marry her under these conditions. She may not realize it. I grew up in a way different financial bracket than my H, when we got married I went on a spending spree bc he never said we couldn't afford it & it was just natural for me to spend what I wanted...when he finally told me, we've sat down & talked finances. You are also at fault for not being a 100% open...you won't know until you actually are open. If she leaves than you'll know but right now you're stringing her along bc you're unsure & that's a huge relationship issue also, wether it's with her or someone else.
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Old 17th March 2017, 8:12 AM   #60
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Thanks VeveCakes.

I see what you're saying but I'm a little confused by the bolded statement. Follow through with my threats? Are you referring to the many times I tell her she's free to go anytime she gets ready? Because my statements aren't threats, hers are.




Thanks usa1ah, very helpful.

My girlfreind always saying things like "If i were married i'd cook for you, clean, make up the bed, etc. I often picture us with a family and get nervous that I'd be the one doing all of the work.

I observed over the years, She was always looking to her parents, She's always waiting on her mom to cook something, her Dad was the breadwinner, and her Mom hasn't worked since 2010 due to a layoff, but she did the household duties.

One thing her Dad did before he died. My gf was always trying to get him to help her buy a car. But he said, you work, you don't contribute anything, so she acctually went with her mother and they got her new car.
Im sure you are well aware that this is hogwash. She isnt going to magically change into Suzie Homemaker once you put a huge diamond ring on her finger. She is who she is, and will just transfer her neediness to you. If she doesnt mind living in a filthy house now, she certainly wont mind when she moves in with you.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.
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