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Relationship issue [I canít see myself marrying her the way things currently are]


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 8th March 2017, 7:45 AM   #31
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Hello all. Alot of helpful replies here. I just feel like I'm always finding fault with women and I fear I might end up one of those lonely old men who ran every woman off because they were never good enough. Sometimes I'm thinking I just need to kick back and live a little.

My last relationship of 8 years ended because she had a problem too. She had been out on her own but she was somewhat of a control freak and liked to gamble alot while we were trying to move up. But she left when I started putting my foot down. Anyway, she's married now to an African guy with 2 kids. I heard it could've been one of those citizenship marriages but it seems like he's able to handle her in ways I couldnt. Sometimes I just think it's me.

I'm closing on a house this Friday and I havent told my gf all the details yet in fear of her thinking I have all this extra money(which I dont) and then we start arguing because Im buying a house but can't buy the ring she wants. I just told her it was a lease to buy. I'm not sure about even giving her a key to it because of course, I don't have a copy of her key to her house (her parents house)
Dating for a relationship and a future mate is a process of evaluating whether or not that person would make a suitable life partner. She isn't and neither was your 8 year relationship.

I don't mean to be mean, but it took either years and now four years with this one to come to the realization that she's unsuitable . . . that's a really slow learning curve and/or you just want to have someone in your life to have someone in your life. Even if that's the case, have someone who is a grown up at least.

I just feel like I'm always finding fault -- It's not like she just leaves the cap off the toothpaste and you make that a deal breaker . . .
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Old 8th March 2017, 8:52 AM   #32
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Maybe you're right on some of those things. I think it may be a combination of me trying to give things a fair shake and thinking things might get better.

I was in the dating game for over 2 years after my last break up. So i know what its like to make cuts. Some of those women, i wasnt even all that attracted, others were too emotionally damaged that they didn't want to try with me, and others with too many kids that would leave her unavailable, or some may have just not been interested.

Its not like I haven't given this girl an option to leave several times. I knew by the circumstances, things weren't right for marriage with her a while ago. I thought i put too much hope and thought she would eventually want to change and get independence. Plus,there was a time when she wasnt pressing marriage so hard. Shes been looking at a few of her friends who got married (some divorced or separated within the first year)

I see your point about the learning curve, but seeing each other limited to only weekends, may take a little bit longer before seeing their horns. Not only that, we tend to be more hopeful of people early on in a relationship. When you're having good times with that person, you begin to think that things may eventually develop into marriage. But this past Valentines day and some things she's said recently, have made me realize who she really is. She didn't reveal all that right away and if she did hint some things earlier on, she said it in a laughing, joking manner where I didn't take it so seriously.

My last relationship, we were both just too young. She was in college and we were starting our careers to really think about getting married, but had grown very accustomed to eachother. I actually proposed to her, but the last few months, she changed on me and we both wanted different things.

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Old 8th March 2017, 9:42 AM   #33
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I just donít see her as being stable enough....
Djoner, in what way is her behavior emotionally unstable? Do you see her moods change frequently and quickly? Does she flip quickly between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you)? If so, are those mood flips triggered by minor things you do or say, i.e., things that would not bother most adults? Have you seen a strong repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back over the past four years?
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Old 8th March 2017, 10:21 AM   #34
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Djoner, in what way is her behavior emotionally unstable? Do you see her moods change frequently and quickly? Does she flip quickly between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you)? If so, are those mood flips triggered by minor things you do or say, i.e., things that would not bother most adults? Have you seen a strong repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back over the past four years?
Well often time we get in an argument, she'll try to shout over me so I won't be able to finish saying what I'm trying to say (I've heard her do that with her mother). Or she might walk out the door leave for the rest of the day and I may not hear from her for several days. She's also hung up the phone in the past.

Although the stuff doesn't happen all the time, it happens too often out of the times i see her. She often says, if I was married, I wouldn't do that. Or if I was married, I'd do this. I'd cook, I'd clean, etc.
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:19 PM   #35
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Have you ever sat her down & told her some of what you have told us?


For example, ask if you proposed with a small CZ (< 1 carat) & expected that you two would elope, what would she say? You need to talk to her about expectations & communication. If you can't resolve these things, there is little sense in getting engaged.
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:27 PM   #36
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Well often time we get in an argument, she'll try to shout over me so I won't be able to finish saying what I'm trying to say (I've heard her do that with her mother). Or she might walk out the door leave for the rest of the day and I may not hear from her for several days. She's also hung up the phone in the past.

Although the stuff doesn't happen all the time, it happens too often out of the times i see her. She often says, if I was married, I wouldn't do that. Or if I was married, I'd do this. I'd cook, I'd clean, etc.
So she's fully admitting she knows what she should be doing but is choosing to act like a teenager at home anyways.

Run for the hills man...
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:32 PM   #37
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I'm closing on a house this Friday and I havent told my gf all the details yet in fear of her thinking I have all this extra money(which I dont) and then we start arguing because Im buying a house but can't buy the ring she wants. I just told her it was a lease to buy. I'm not sure about even giving her a key to it because of course, I don't have a copy of her key to her house (her parents house)
No key, no ring. From what you have written, the two of you don't share the same values. And don't let her move into your house. She sounds very selfish and self-centered. If you have to ask whether she is marriage material, she isn't.
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:36 PM   #38
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You are never going to get a key to her parents house. It's ridiculous to think that you would.


If you don't trust her enough to tell her you are buying a house or enough to want to give her a key, marriage is definitely off the table.


Until you can talk you can't move forward together. Man up & talk to her. If she won't communicate rationally with you, dump her.
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Old 8th March 2017, 4:39 PM   #39
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I would hate to see you marry an unsuitable woman just because you are too afraid to dump her.
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Old 8th March 2017, 5:19 PM   #40
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Well often time we get in an argument, she'll try to shout over me so I won't be able to finish saying what I'm trying to say (I've heard her do that with her mother). Or she might walk out the door leave for the rest of the day and I may not hear from her for several days. She's also hung up the phone in the past.

Although the stuff doesn't happen all the time, it happens too often out of the times i see her.
Based on what you've written, I feel if you were advising you, you'd tell you don't marry her. If that even makes sense.

You simply don't speak of her as one would describe their spouse-to-be. Go back and read your posts, seems to be apparent to everyone but you. The "pros" relate to relationships/companionship in general, the "cons" are specific to her. Newsflash - lots of other women out there ...

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Old 8th March 2017, 7:17 PM   #41
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I just donít see her as being stable enough.... often times we get in an argument, she'll try to shout over me.... Or she might walk out the door leave for the rest of the day and I may not hear from her for several days.... it happens too often out of the times i see her.
Djoner, I note that -- if she is emotionally unstable as you believe -- the two most common causes of instability are a hormone change (e.g., pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause) and drug abuse. If those two causes can be ruled out -- and you've not mentioned them as problems -- the two remaining common causes of instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder.

I therefore suggest that, because you are not describing warning signs for bipolar, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most of sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although you can spot any strong signs that occur, only a professional can determine whether those symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Djoner.
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Old 13th March 2017, 9:01 AM   #42
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Do you have any obligation to this woman?

You dated away the remaining years of her 20's and got her into her 30's. You spent valuable time, key years, she could have been using looking for a husband. I'm sure you didn't intend to do that, but that's how it has turned out so far. Did you take her virginity?

If you had just dated her for a month and she had these characteristics and you hadn't slept with her and just had an innocent relationship, I'd say you might do better to find someone else. Everyone has flaws. Dealing with arguments through pouting is definitely a flaw. Materialism is a major flaw. Laziness is a flaw. But those are the kind of flaws you are free to recognize and cut her loose early on.

Some things don't add up. You say she goes to church and the sex is great. What kind of church teaches people who aren't married to have sex? It seems likely she isn't living up to the principles she believes in. Churches aren't supposed to teach people to be materialistic either.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I won't say 'yay' or 'nay' on the marriage issue. I would ask you to consider what you've cost this girl in addition to whether you want to marry her. It might help you make this decision or whatever relationship you pursue in the future.
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Old 13th March 2017, 11:49 AM   #43
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I think 4 years is more than enough time to figure out if you want to marry someone. If you still aren't sure, it's time to end it. She's not likely to change anyway from the sounds of it. She actually sounds quite dreadful.
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Old 13th March 2017, 11:23 PM   #44
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No i didn't take her virginity.

This girl has had her share of dating partners before me. She had a boyfriend she had dated on and off, but he cheated on her and was seeing another girl. He ended up marrying the girl he was cheating on her with. I've have given her ways out in the past, so it's not like I've been holding her hostage, and believe me, she's had several opportunities to go.

One day, she stormed out of the house after a disagreement (NOT even an argument) and didn't talk to me for about 5 days, deleted herself off fb, along with our relationship status. I didn't call her either because I felt she was the one in the wrong, AND I feel like I'm always being the one to resolve arguments. Not that time.

Anyway, I began to put my self in the position to start moving on. Went out with some female friends (not sleeping with any of them). Then I'm awakened by her in my apartment in the middle of the night that Friday night/early Saturday morning.

Needless to say, we resolved it, but I still wondered how we will be able to withstand tougher times, much less living together, or even getting married.

4 years may seem like enough time to figure out if you want to marry someone, but I can't agree with that totally. When the relationship is limited to seeing eachother only on the weekends, that kind of keeps things somewhat at the honeymoon stage. Living together and seeing eachother everyday totally changes the dynamics of it all. Plus, I have feelings invested too. Just because I'm not ready to get married, I'm having trouble just "ending" everything just because I'm not seeing her in marriage.
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Old 14th March 2017, 7:14 PM   #45
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4 years may seem like enough time to figure out if you want to marry someone, but I can't agree with that totally. When the relationship is limited to seeing eachother only on the weekends, that kind of keeps things somewhat at the honeymoon stage. Living together and seeing eachother everyday totally changes the dynamics of it all. Plus, I have feelings invested too. Just because I'm not ready to get married, I'm having trouble just "ending" everything just because I'm not seeing her in marriage.
Most adult relationships are limited to weekends and maybe an evening during the week here and there simply due to life responsibilities. So, yes, 4 years is more than enough time to know. Many make the decision, one way or another, far sooner.

After this long, if you don't want to marry this woman then you are wasting both of your time. Time that both of you could be spending seeking compatible mates.

So what if you have emotions invested? It's a dead end relationship. Sunk Cost Fallacy.
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