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Relationship issue [I canít see myself marrying her the way things currently are]


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 7th March 2017, 2:41 PM   #16
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Agreed - you know this isn't going to work out. It's time to part ways. It'll only get harder for both of you if you don't.
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Old 7th March 2017, 2:48 PM   #17
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You'd better not let her move into this new house, because I'm sure she'll be pushing for it when she finds out. Six months living together common law and you're basically married. Then she starts becoming entitled by law to your assets.
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Old 7th March 2017, 2:57 PM   #18
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She sounds very immature and extremely materialistic. Of course you don't want to marry a spoiled child! There's no reason to stay together since she wants marriage and you have every reason not to want her as your wife. A person who can't even keep her room clean isn't ready to be a spouse.

I admit that I like nice items as well. However, I love to shop on sale as well as Ebay.
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Old 7th March 2017, 4:03 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by VeveCakes View Post
Did you even read what we wrote?
Yes I did.

Why do u say that?

I was only stating what I've been struggling with as to why I came to LS asking what you guys thought.

And lucy in disguise. While I appreciate your viewpoint, i am a little perplexed as to why you say that by dating her for 4 years, it's a little cruel. I wanted to get to the point of marriage, but She's been showing me these things little by little. Everyone has their breaking point. And plus, I caught feelings too. I didnt want to feel like I made a mistake by leaving at the first sign of trouble when we do share good times together. You're right, I should let her go in which I an preparing myself, but I disagree with the "cruel" comment. Cheating on someone is cruel, verbally abusing someone is cruel.

She's been given the chance to walk too, but she stayed in a relationship that she saw as secure with a person who treated her decent.

Last edited by djoner; 7th March 2017 at 4:27 PM..
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Old 7th March 2017, 4:28 PM   #20
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Nothing about this woman says "I'm a good option for a life partner"

Selfish, immature, unappreciative, disrespectful and at 31 still living with mommy.

Nothing says marry her, instead it all says run, don't look back.

OP you sound like a nice guy who lacks the confidence as a man who has what you have should.

Almost desperate to keep her in you life even with your guy flashing red SHE IS NOT THE ANSWER, SHE IS ALL WRONG FOR MARRIAGE.

You know this so what are you waiting for?
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Old 7th March 2017, 4:41 PM   #21
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I used to practice as a family lawyer here in Australia (equivalent to a US Divorce Attorney) and Kbob is correct! Be careful
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Old 7th March 2017, 5:10 PM   #22
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Hey kbob. I pitched the idea about living together before and she said she dis not want to live with someone before marriage. I'm sure that will change. Lol.

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OP you sound like a nice guy who lacks the confidence as a man who has what you have should.
Lacks confidence? Lol

I think most of the time I'm pretty darn confident. I guess ive put up with it because i didnt want to feel like i was doing the extreme when there are good things about the relatiomship too. She spent alot of money on me at Christmas. So it's just a matter of not wanting to feel like you're giving up on someone who's been in your life because of a couple of issues.

So when do you decide enough is enough? Do you know it the first sign
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Old 7th March 2017, 5:14 PM   #23
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Lacks confidence? Lol

I think most of the time I'm pretty darn confident. I guess ive put up with it because i didnt want to feel like i was doing the extreme when there are good things about the relatiomship too. She spent alot of money on me at Christmas. So it's just a matter of not wanting to feel like you're giving up on someone who's been in your life because of a couple of issues.

So when do you decide enough is enough? Do you know it the first sign
You're there, when you don't want a relationship to progress it's over.

The confidence comment came because you said you feared being old and alone...So you stay, secondly because you think the African guy was able to handle your marriage if ex better than you. Not the comments of a confident man.
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Old 7th March 2017, 5:17 PM   #24
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Hey kbob. I pitched the idea about living together before and she said she dis not want to live with someone before marriage. I'm sure that will change. Lol.



Lacks confidence? Lol

I think most of the time I'm pretty darn confident. I guess ive put up with it because i didnt want to feel like i was doing the extreme when there are good things about the relatiomship too. She spent alot of money on me at Christmas. So it's just a matter of not wanting to feel like you're giving up on someone who's been in your life because of a couple of issues.

So when do you decide enough is enough? Do you know it the first sign

These are not small issues though. I don't think you grasp the reality of her lack of real world experience.

She spent money on you at Christmas? Big whoop. She is 31 and living with her parents. Don't they deserve some freedom too?

Someone her age who has never had to face hardship or the reality of living alone is not a good choice in life partner. Do you want to be responsible for doing all the bills, yard work, cooking, cleaning, errands, and monitoring her spending?

Do you want children? Think of how skewed her reality is. All her money goes to her wants. She has no needs, that's covered by you and her parents. She is basically saying she won't move out until marriage. Should you ever divorce, she would be granted alimony I'm sure too. These are all things you have to consider.

Sure she may be hot and take care of herself. What happens when money is allocated to home expenses and she can't afford $1500 shoes? Think she will remain sweet and affectionate? Your lives together is not reality at this point. She's stuck in high school, is there where you want to be?
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Old 7th March 2017, 5:35 PM   #25
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So when do you decide enough is enough?
When, after 4 years together, you're still questioning every important aspect of the relationship. Trust me, were she the right girl for you, it wouldn't be this hard.

Since you have the same job - and she lives at home - where does all her money go? Hard to believe she spends her entire check on shoes and purses...

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Old 7th March 2017, 7:07 PM   #26
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Funny thing, back in Dec/ January, she revealed to me that she got some money from her Dad's death (About 20k to 30k).She stated she wanted to buy a house together. She stated that she had 20k towards a house whenever i was ready to get a house. But she then said later that she would not live with anyone unless they were married.

It's not that I didn't want the r/l to progress, it's just that I dont think she's progressing.
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Old 7th March 2017, 7:17 PM   #27
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Funny thing, back in Dec/ January, she revealed to me that she got some money from her Dad's death (About 20k to 30k).She stated she wanted to buy a house together. She stated that she had 20k towards a house whenever i was ready to get a house. But she then said later that she would not live with anyone unless they were married.

It's not that I didn't want the r/l to progress, it's just that I dont think she's progressing.
The thing is you can't expect her to change into a woman who you would marry, she is who she is and most likely any changes would be temporary and eventually her true self would reappear this time you would be tangled both financially and emotionally, like with two point five kids mini van and a dog.
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Old 7th March 2017, 8:57 PM   #28
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It's not that I didn't want the r/l to progress, it's just that I dont think she's progressing.
If you marry her, you're going to get someone who's looking to go from free rent at Mom's to a free ride with you. That's not a partner, that's a non-paying tenant...

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Old 7th March 2017, 9:53 PM   #29
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I think it's great that you don't just want to write someone off because they're not "perfect," but I can totally feel where you're coming from on this one.

Has she ever been to therapy? She sounds a bit narcissistic to me. In my experience, people who focus on material things, spending money, and symbols of status, all emphasize external markers of self-esteem because there is no reliable internal sense of self-esteem. Not that she consciously does any of this or doesn't have feelings; she obviously does and is very sensitive. But my sense is that whether it's with you or someone else, marriage is going to be rough with her until she can do some of the soul-searching and cleaning up that needs to be done.

I would keep dating her if you really love her, but depending on what she wants and what you want ultimately, now might be the time to talk more intimately about what is getting in the way and who is willing to work through it.

Lastly, and I'll say this, I was alarmed by how much this woman sounds like the woman I most recently dated - materialistic, equates feeling special with spending money, acts childish and pouty when is upset, silent treatment, etc... I don't know how you've done it for this long. I was only with my narcissistic ex for a couple of months and she put a dent in my self-esteem (and wallet) even though I decided to end it. Be careful. More than the cost of this woman's lifestyle, the price to pay for your confidence as a man for staying with women like this is high!
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Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 7th March 2017 at 11:05 PM..
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:44 AM   #30
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I don't think she's ever been to therapy. I made a suggestion for her and her mom to consider grievance counseling after the death of her father last year. Just trying to help, but i know that's their decision.

She might be a little narcissitic when it comes to posing on facebook and instagram. She's very photogenic. But i guess its because i know her personally, I see alot of her insecurities surface.
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