Wife insisting on pursuing "friendship" with younger man

[calidad]

My 43 YO wife and I have been together 4 years (I'm 46). We began as an open relationship when her marriage fell apart. She was seeing another man and when I started seeing someone too, she closed it off. Unfortunately she left her side open and cheated with 3 men then lied profusely about it until I grabbed her iCloud backup and could prove it.

 

It took us over a year to rebuild trust. Then last year she started becoming resentful that she had to check in with me and that I had a right to look at her phone. The more she'd pull away the more suspicious I'd get. I started spying on her (uncool yes) and put spyware on her computer. She found out and **** hit the fan.

 

In the midst of my spying, I discovered a text exchange between her and a 23 year old 'friend'. This kid and her had spent some time together during our open relationship and she swears it was and is platonic. She'd asked me permission last year to go to lunch with him and I said it was ok. This text exchange was several months after their lunch.

 

She was texting him during her dinner with me and asking if he was still living at the beach and could they meet up. She used blush emoticons several times and the tone was slightly flirtatious.

 

They never did get together to my knowledge.

 

Last week she informed me she wanted to go to lunch with this kid again. I used that as an opportunity to inform her that I was not ok with the way she tried to organize a secret rendezvous and it raised a red flag. She has dozens of male friends that I have no issues with but this one in particular triggers my spidey sense. It also really bothers me that she's forcing the issue. It seems more important to her to build a new friendship with this kid than it is to build trust with me.

 

So I said fine, well if you want to go to lunch, I'm going to join you since I've never met this man. If it's platonic there should be no issues. She then got visibly uncomfortable and said "That feels really awkward to me. We only have an hour scheduled and it's not enough time to get to know someone. How about we invite him over to our house when we're having a get together". This obviously raises a huge red flag so I called her out. She then it feels like I'm "babysitting" her and I'm trying to control her by insisting on showing up under those circumstances.

 

There are other issues in our relationship I'll share at a later date. For now, I'd love to hear some outside perspectives on this issue. What would you do? Am I over-reacting? Should I force the issue and go to their lunch anyway?

[VeveCakes]

No, just dump her and be done with it.

 

She's a serial cheater with no boundaries.

[DKT3]

No, just dump her and be done with it.

 

She's a serial cheater with no boundaries.

 

This pretty much sums it up. Not much else to say

[stillafool]

Trust me she wants to bang the 23 year old. There's a lot of this going on these days with women having sex with guys young enough to be their sons. I know of 3 such relationships going on right now in real life. You can't trust her as she will always need new sex to feel complete.

[DKT3]

Trust me she wants to bang the 23 year old. There's a lot of this going on these days with women having sex with guys young enough to be their sons. I know of 3 such relationships going on right now in real life. You can't trust her as she will always need new sex to feel complete.

 

I'm pretty confident she has been. Come on what else does a 20 yo kid do to hold a 40 something yo woman's attention.

[Jersey born raised]

You need to go back to an "open" relationship with her in her own place or end it. Read not just friends. She closed the marriages and has attempted to engage in adultery in that relationship. So a divorce is also needed. That's the bottom line.

 

Why did her marriage end??

Edited February 23, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[aileD]

You've married a woman who doesn't have the capacity to be monogamous. You probably kind of knew that already since you had an open marriage to start with. I bet the downfall of her other marriage had to do with infidelity as well.

 

There's no fixing this. Accept her as who she is or divorce and move on if you can't handle it.

 

I have sympathy....and I don't think cheating is ok.....but you did marry her agreeing to an open relationship so you know that non-monogamous part of her is there.

 

Are you opposed to opening the marriage again? Do the other issues you have make it not even worth it?

 

If your sex life is good, you get a long and have fun, work well together, have romance etc....if you love her, you can accept that part of her and maybe open up the marriage again....or swing together or something.

 

IF youre not for any of that, you need to stop wasting time and divorce her for someone not interested in being with other men.

[Marc878]

Cheated with three men that you know of? Why are you still there?

[calidad]

No, just dump her and be done with it.

 

She's a serial cheater with no boundaries.

 

Why do you think that?

[LoveBug143]

Ughh i hate to see it but if i were in your shoes, I'd leave her. It sounds like you want monogamy and she doesn't

[VeveCakes]

Why do you think that?

 

She cheated several times.

 

She was in an open marriage that failed.

 

She's 43 and hanging with this kid. Where did they meet? As someone said lots of this happening. I've hooked up with a few 23 yr olds myself and am 33.

 

She has no boundaries.

[calidad]

Why do you say she doesn't have the capacity? There's no evidence yet that she's cheating with the guy. There are other red flags that she may be or have cheated since those men in the beginning. But also a lot of indicators that she's been loyal. It's a mixed bag at this point- probably too early to jump to conclusions.

 

Yes, I'd consider opening the relationship and have even asked her if she wants to and she says no.

 

You've married a woman who doesn't have the capacity to be monogamous. You probably kind of knew that already since you had an open marriage to start with. I bet the downfall of her other marriage had to do with infidelity as well.

 

There's no fixing this. Accept her as who she is or divorce and move on if you can't handle it.

 

I have sympathy....and I don't think cheating is ok.....but you did marry her agreeing to an open relationship so you know that non-monogamous part of her is there.

 

Are you opposed to opening the marriage again? Do the other issues you have make it not even worth it?

 

If your sex life is good, you get a long and have fun, work well together, have romance etc....if you love her, you can accept that part of her and maybe open up the marriage again....or swing together or something.

 

IF youre not for any of that, you need to stop wasting time and divorce her for someone not interested in being with other men.

[calidad]

She cheated several times.

 

She was in an open marriage that failed.

 

She's 43 and hanging with this kid. Where did they meet? As someone said lots of this happening. I've hooked up with a few 23 yr olds myself and am 33.

 

She has no boundaries.

 

Where did they meet? She's a yoga teacher and he DJ'd her yoga class in 2013 (when we were still open). He was teaching her to play hand drum for a month or so. I only know of one night when she went to his house in 2013. She wrote something in her journal about it that indicated they might have hooked up but she of course denies it. She claims it's like a 'mentor' relationship and that he talks to her about yoga, philosophy and in the past she'd helped him with his relationship issues.

[DKT3]

Why do you say she doesn't have the capacity? There's no evidence yet that she's cheating with the guy. There are other red flags that she may be or have cheated since those men in the beginning. But also a lot of indicators that she's been loyal. It's a mixed bag at this point- probably too early to jump to conclusions.

 

Yes, I'd consider opening the relationship and have even asked her if she wants to and she says no.

 

She closed it so that YOU don't mess around with other women.......It's not really jumping to conclusions.....If you come home and found a baseball laying on your coffee table, look up and see a broken window, look out of the Window and see kids playing baseball, it's jumping to conclusions that one of them put the baseball there...But it's damn sure the most likely case.

 

Your wife's actions point to her sexing it up with this kid, she is gaslighting you big time. Just a friend? If that were true she would be so adamant about keeping the two of you apart, she wouldn't jump to you being controlling. It's gaslighting 101, make you feel bad for noticing her clearly wayward behavior.

[calidad]

Good comment - there is more to this though. She's offered to set up a special time for me to meet the guy either for drinks or at our house with or without other people there. She's claiming her discomfort is it feels like I'm "babysitting" her and it makes her feel untrusted...which of course she is not.

 

She closed it so that YOU don't mess around with other women.......It's not really jumping to conclusions.....If you come home and found a baseball laying on your coffee table, look up and see a broken window, look out of the Window and see kids playing baseball, it's jumping to conclusions that one of them put the baseball there...But it's damn sure the most likely case.

 

Your wife's actions point to her sexing it up with this kid, she is gaslighting you big time. Just a friend? If that were true she would be so adamant about keeping the two of you apart, she wouldn't jump to you being controlling. It's gaslighting 101, make you feel bad for noticing her clearly wayward behavior.

[aileD]

Why do you say she doesn't have the capacity? There's no evidence yet that she's cheating with the guy. There are other red flags that she may be or have cheated since those men in the beginning. But also a lot of indicators that she's been loyal. It's a mixed bag at this point- probably too early to jump to conclusions.

 

Yes, I'd consider opening the relationship and have even asked her if she wants to and she says no.

 

Then why are you here fretting about it if you don't have suspicions?

 

You've stated:

- Your marriage started out as an open marriage (NON- MONOGAMOUS)

- She cheated on you with three men after closing the marriage (NON-MONOGAMOUS)

- She is flirty with this 23 year old WHO SHE SPENT TIME WITH DURING YoUR OPEN MARRIAGE.....

 

That's why I don't think she's capable of monogamy. Why did her first marriage fall apart? I'm curious?

 

It seems like she enjoys being wanted by many men. More power to her but if it doesn't work for you then why are you staying in a marriage like this?

[stillafool]

Good comment - there is more to this though. She's offered to set up a special time for me to meet the guy either for drinks or at our house with or without other people there. She's claiming her discomfort is it feels like I'm "babysitting" her and it makes her feel untrusted...which of course she is not.

 

Yes so she will have time to school the kid on what to say and how to act before the two of you meet.

[DKT3]

Good comment - there is more to this though. She's offered to set up a special time for me to meet the guy either for drinks or at our house with or without other people there. She's claiming her discomfort is it feels like I'm "babysitting" her and it makes her feel untrusted...which of course she is not.

 

Odds are she will coach this kid up by then for the set-up oh I mean meeting.

 

Interesting that you say she is trusted when you clearly don't nor does she deserve your trust.

 

You had better start getting real honest with yourself about her, and why your accepting her lame excuses.

 

As mentioned before you have two options, open the marriage or divorce, it just doesn't sound like your wife has it in her to be faithful.

 

Like the other I'm curious about her previous marriage

[calidad]

In the previous marriage, she was sexless for the last 2 years of a 5 year marriage. She was emotionally abused and caged. She wasn't allowed to have any friends he disliked (her story). She wasn't allowed to attend events or do things solo. She claims she never cheated because she feared his anger. She attempted counseling for 6 months. The therapist told her they'd have a long road and her ex had deep intimacy issues. After two years of no sex and feeling controlled she'd had enough and pulled the pug.

 

I do believe she's projecting a lot of his control issues onto me. Before I found out about the cheating, I had zero issues with her hanging out with platonic male friends. I only became hyper vigilant when the lies and cheating was exposed. She has made some efforts to rebuild trust but not enough. Her insistence on the friendship with this kid is obviously part of that.

 

Then why are you here fretting about it if you don't have suspicions?

 

You've stated:

- Your marriage started out as an open marriage (NON- MONOGAMOUS)

- She cheated on you with three men after closing the marriage (NON-MONOGAMOUS)

- She is flirty with this 23 year old WHO SHE SPENT TIME WITH DURING YoUR OPEN MARRIAGE.....

 

That's why I don't think she's capable of monogamy. Why did her first marriage fall apart? I'm curious?

 

It seems like she enjoys being wanted by many men. More power to her but if it doesn't work for you then why are you staying in a marriage like this?

[oldshirt]

Let's have a little come-to-Jesus meeting and drop all the flowers and butterflies and cut the BS.

 

She isn't monogamous marriage material. She wants to be free to come and go and boink who she pleases when she wants.

 

She's playing you like a fiddle and is playing you for a fool.

 

She is doing word gymnastics and Jedi mindtricks to keep you confused enough that you think she isn't playing you.

 

She just simply wants to screw other guys. She wants to screw other guys and she is willing to lie to you or manipulate and she is probably also willing to do other guys right in front of you as long as you don't interfere and don't make them uncomfortable.

 

The reason that she is balking at the idea of you hanging out with them is because the OM doesn't want you around and she doesn't want you getting in the way or negatively affecting the OM's performance.

 

There's no cure here and there is no fix. she is not monogamous marriage material. It is not part of her character, make up or nomenclature.

 

You have a few options here -

 

- look the other way and live with it.

 

- Officially open your marriage up and just let her have her way in which case there will be a parade of men in and out of your house and hopefully they don't mess up your side of the bed.

 

- work your fingers to the bone 24/7 trying to keep other men out of your house and her out of their beds and be accused of "controlling and caging" her and having her grown more resentful and nasty by the day.

 

- cut your losses and pack your bags.

 

Those are your options with this person. She isn't a monogamous person who will adapt to a traditional monogamous marriage.

[oldshirt]

Let's run this through a BS Translator.

 

 

 

 

In the previous marriage, she was sexless for the last 2 years of a 5 year marriage.

 

The marriage and her exH may have been sexless because he didn't want to touch her with a ten foot pole, but I think we can all bet the farm that she was not sexless.

 

 

She was emotionally abused and caged. She wasn't allowed to have any friends he disliked (her story). She wasn't allowed to attend events or do things solo.

 

You need to read the Cheaters Handbook, because Chapter 2 is about excuses and justifications and the battle cry of the BS being "controlling" is at the top of the list.

 

 

She claims she never cheated because she feared his anger.

 

But she didn't not cheat because she didn't want to or because it was wrong or it would hurt her H or would cause marital damage. She didn't do it because he would be angry

 

 

 

She attempted counseling for 6 months.

 

Ted Bundy worked the evening shift at a counseling center. We all know how that helped turn his character around.

 

The therapist told her they'd have a long road and her ex had deep intimacy issues.

 

yes. Having a serial cheating spouse will cause one to have deep intimacy issues. You will have deep intimacy issues too soon if you don't pull the ejection handle soon.

 

After two years of no sex and feeling controlled she'd had enough and pulled the pug.

 

Again, did she not have any sex, or did she not have sex with her exH? Those are two completely different things and cheaters are master at word acrobatics.

 

 

I do believe she's projecting a lot of his control issues onto me.

 

Yes. you are trying to stop her from having sex with other men. That is controlling to her.

 

 

 

Before I found out about the cheating, I had zero issues with her hanging out with platonic male friends.

 

Learned that lesson the hard way didn't ya. ..... you did learn that lesson right??? Right??????

 

I only became hyper vigilant when the lies and cheating was exposed.

 

so the question is, do you want to live a life of hypervigilance and being her vaginal security guard? or do you want to live a life where you don't have to worry about it? It's your choice.

 

 

She has made some efforts to rebuild trust but not enough.

 

Not enough as in not trying to have relationships and sex with other men.

 

 

Her insistence on the friendship with this kid is obviously part of that.

 

Obvously

 

 

 

So there you have it. That is what is really being said here.

 

Everything else is just smoke and mirrors, word gymnastics, Jedi mind tricks and good ol' fashioned lies and blame shifting and rug sweeping....by both you and her.

 

Your choices are what I listed above.

 

waving a magic wand and sprinkling her with magical pixie dust and transforming her into a faithful, loving, respectful, monogamous, traditional wife really isn't in the cards because she has never been those things.

 

This is who and what she is. You can't change or transform her so your options are accept her as she is or leave her behind.

[oldshirt]

 

She was emotionally abused and caged. She wasn't allowed to have any friends he disliked (her story). She wasn't allowed to attend events or do things solo.

 

I want to say one more thing about this.

 

There's always some kernels of truth scattered into the BS pile like kernels of corn.

 

Her xH probably did attempt to keep her under some kind of lock and key for awhile and I would bet my last penny that he did probably try to keep her from seeing some of her friends (that he didn't like)

 

That is because those 'friends' were having sex with her. ... or were at least trying to and she was trying to have sex with them.

 

Most husband are going to try to interfere with that, at least for a while.

 

After a while one realizes that the time and effort of trying to stop it is all going to waste and it's easier and most efficacious to just cut losses and walk away.

[DKT3]

Oldshirt is on to something....From what little you've told us I can see your wife working towards the same pattern in her marriage to you as she did in her previous marriage.

 

Her cheating will at some point cause you to not want sex, she is already claiming you to be controlling which in turn will turn to emotional abuse in her mind.

 

Let you in on a little secret, people with no or poor boundaries tend to see thinks like expectations of fidelity and honest as controlling. If you don't pay down and allow her to do as she pleases then in her mind you're controlling or abusive. Hold to your boundaries, but honestly this sounds like a less than ideal marriage with a less than ideal wife.

[VeveCakes]

A true partner would say - yes let's all have dinner together and you can get to know this very cool person I want in my life.

 

A cheater says - no I don't want you babysitting me or making it awkward.

 

It's only awkward because she is or wants to be sleeping with him. Maybe she told him she's single.

 

Either way, it's not good.

[oldshirt]

Yes so she will have time to school the kid on what to say and how to act before the two of you meet.

 

Actually, I think it's the other way around.

 

I think she needs time to figure out a way to sell it to the OM.

 

She knows she can pull anything over on calidad and he'll fall for it. She needs the right song and dance to sell it to the OM so he'll still go along with it with calidad knowing about it.

 

Most OM are fine and dandy sneaking out of the shadows and boinking another man's wife while they aren't looking. Most couldn't care less if the wife has a bonafied hallpass as long as they can screw them on their own terms without the H being in the picture.

 

But they get squeamish and change their tune real fast when the W tries to bring their H into it and have them meet the H.

 

She'd probably rather not have to deal with calidad and it would be easier for her to boff this guy if he wan't in the picture. But I think she has so little regard for monogamy and so little respect of calidad, she's ok with bring OM around as long as calidad doesn't interfere.

 

Where it gets more complicated is getting OM to go along with having calidad around.

 

He's a 20something dude and probably has a stable of young, single chicks. He's not gonna put up with too much trouble and complication for some 46 year old married chick.

 

She's got calidad duped and in her pocket. Its the OM she has handle with care.