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SO lied about his salary


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I found out last night that my BF of 1 year has been lying about his salary. He told me 8 month into the relationship that he's making 100K. But in his texts to a family friend he said 75K. I also saw his msgs to his mom asking help on bills. He knew how much i'm making (135K). He's very underpaid compare to his peers in the same industry (median 115K+). I try my best to protect his ego. I always tell him that he's smart and will go far.

 

I don't mind an income gap as long as the guy has great work ethics and cares about his professional life. It's the lying part that upset me. Lying about income makes me unable to trust him. I can understand a marginal difference. The amount is substantial in his case, 100K is 33% higher than his actual pay. I overestimate my bonus by 5K, but that's less than 4% of my total. My goal wasn't to deceive him, but a honest miscalculation, plus I'm getting it this year. I haven't confronted him yet, am afraid to hurt his ego. He truly wants to be the provider of the family, but is bad with money and also in deep denial.

 

I stumbled upon the conversation about money by accident and now i'm starting to connect the dots. His family is doing fairly well, so he is used to 'high roller' life style growing up. His parents subsidize him, but I don't know the details. I grew up in middle class family, saving and working hard are important to me. Asking aging parents to pay for his bills is off limits in my book. I stopped accepting money from parents because they did enough raising me.

 

He takes me to nice restaurants and buy me beautiful flowers and jewelries, and even pay for my friends. Aside from money issues, he's a very good person with kind heart. I love his sweet gestures. Frankly I do not know he's spending out of his means because every time I tried to talk about saving with him, he said he's in good shape.

 

The dilemma is I love him, but I'm hesitant about the relationship for following reasons: 1. deceiving is bad; 2.poor financial planning will cause major issue later in marriage; 3. boosting income =insecurity, insecurity increases the chance of infidelity. The last point is more of a personal observation.

 

Tomorrow is valentine's day, and he's taking me to another expensive restaurant. I feel bad now knowing his actual pay. He won't let me split the bill or treat him. What should I do? Is it too cruel/heartless to end relationship because of finance? Shall I talk to his parents to get their opinion?

 

** Side note, maybe irrelevant. I want to find a financially sound partner not because I want luxury. In fact, i don't have any designer stuff even though i can afford it with my salary. I live in one of most expensive area in the country, living cost of raising kids is extremely high. My job is fast paced and in a male dominated field, I want to scale back and put more focus on family after marriage. My mom had to work two jobs as a single mom, and I was lonely and very introverted growing up. I want to be there for my children.

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Money can be a huge issue for future relationship. Try to talk to him about your view on finances without mentioning the information you know. Just share how you view finances and what matters to you. Good luck.

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He probably lied to impress you. Yes, lying is bad but on this particular issue, perhaps be a bit more understanding.

 

 

Not on Valentine's day but sometime soon disclose what you found. Perhaps offer to help him polish his resume so he can job hunt since you believe he's underpaid.

 

 

Just because he makes less money than you now, doesn't mean that will always be true.

 

 

Discuss things before you simply end this if you truly care about him.

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Three things tend to ruin relationships and marriages. Financial incompatibility is one of those big three. In addition to lying, he is living well outside his means if he's still asking his parents for help when they already subsidize his lifestyle. At some point, his financial house of cards is going to implode. If you're financially responsible, it doesn't make sense to hitch your wagon to someone who routinely spends well beyond their means. It's a recipe for disaster and regret.

 

Your choices:

  • Break up now and go your separate ways (the easier option).
  • Or ignore the red flags, get married, start a family with him, go through the turmoil of bankruptcy, foreclosure, or whatever his irresponsible approach brings down the road, and after struggling and constant disagreements, then end up breaking up.

 

The end result will be the same. One just takes you through the wringer.

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He probably lied to impress you. Yes, lying is bad but on this particular issue, perhaps be a bit more understanding.

 

 

Not on Valentine's day but sometime soon disclose what you found. Perhaps offer to help him polish his resume so he can job hunt since you believe he's underpaid.

 

 

Just because he makes less money than you now, doesn't mean that will always be true.

 

 

Discuss things before you simply end this if you truly care about him.

 

If he finds a job with a higher salary, he will simply feel entitled to spend even more. This is about an approach to money management.

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But in his texts to a family friend he said 75K. I also saw his msgs to his mom asking help on bills... His parents subsidize him, but I don't know the details.

 

 

Huh? He makes $75K and gets money from Mom and Dad - and still needs help with bills?

 

OP, either incredibly poor judgment or something else going on. Red flag either way...

 

Mr. Lucky

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The lying is definitely an issue.

 

The other issue is, how does someone who makes $75k need to ask his parents for money?!?!?! :eek: Huge red flag there. Unless there are extenuating circumstances present, like a severe medical condition that requires expensive healthcare, I'd say it points towards grotesque irresponsibility. I am aware that $75k doesn't necessarily go far in some cities (e.g. SF) but you can certainly still survive on that without asking mummy to pay the bills.

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"He's very underpaid compare to his peers in the same industry (median 115K+)"

How old is he? I am old enough to know that salaries can swing over different times and ages in a profession. AT one point I knew I was not being paid as much as I should but I was getting great experience so I put up with it for a few years - and then switched jobs twice over the next 6 years - to get the increases I was worth. If he has the right education and in the right profession I think he should be able to catch up to the 115k of his peers at some point.

 

Money and shared beliefs are important in a relationship. Its sexist to say but women like men to be at least their equals in bringing home the money.

 

My first wife made close to half what I did - but her family was loaded. When it came time to buy a home - she got a large some of money from them to put down on our house. It did not bother me that they helped - as I believe if a family can help a child easily - why not ? As long as my children are not iresponsible and I can help - I will as long as they live. My late dad helped me at one time with medical bills - and later when he passed he left a modest amount of money that helped me with repairs on the home and school for my kids.

 

Back to your main point - honesty - I have often seen lying or hiding from my female partners during dating and early stages of a relationship -when you like someone you try to put your best version of yourself forward. I have yet to see someone NOT hidding thing - about money - sexual/relationship history - even medical issues during the first year or two of a new relationship . Its human nature to hide things you know another would not like to know. You have to decide if the rest of what he offers you is worth it - and perhaps have a heart to heart on what you need to continue on - or leave if you dont.

 

I dont know where you live - but in most places accross the world trying to find a guy making +135K (your salary) is not always easy.

Edited by dichotomy
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Back to your main point - honesty - I have often seen lying or hiding from my female partners during dating and early stages of a relationship -when you like someone you try to put your best version of yourself forward. I have yet to see someone NOT hidding thing - about money - sexual/relationship history - even medical issues during the first year or two of a new relationship . Its human nature to hide things you know another would not like to know. You have to decide if the rest of what he offers you is worth it - and perhaps have a heart to heart on what you need to continue on - or leave if you dont.

 

There is a pretty big difference between 'putting your best version forward' and straight up lying - the latter is what the OP's partner is doing. If he just hadn't brought his salary up at all that would have been fine IMO. This, on the other hand, is a blatant lie.

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Lying about salary is a red flag. Being so irresponsible with a $75k/year income that parents are subsidizing his lifestyle is a deal breaker in my book.

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Does he rent, have his own place, or stay with his parents?

What sort of bills is he asking his parents to pay for?

 

Is he their only child?

How old is he?

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GunslingerRoland

To me the fact that he's needing help on his bills at that salary is a far bigger concern than the actual salary. 75K for a single person should be lots to live a very comfortable lifestyle on.

 

Also are you sure he's lying to you and not the family friend about the salary?

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If he finds a job with a higher salary, he will simply feel entitled to spend even more. This is about an approach to money management.

 

This is exactly what I am worried about. I didn't mind the actual number but his money mgmt style. Also, if he's lying about salary, makes me wonder he's lying about anything else, family wealth, debt, etc.

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If your issue is his ability to manage money that is a serious but not insurmountable thing. If you talk to him & possibly make budget with him, it's possible that he could become more responsible.

 

 

It depends on how much you want this to work.

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He lies, he's spoiled and he doesn't know how to manage money.

 

I don't think this relationship will work out.

 

I believe that adults should try not to take money from their parents if possible. Your boyfriend should be embarrassed to ask his parents for money since he's making more than enough to live on. I'm detecting a sense of entitlement.

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I'm detecting a sense of entitlement.

 

Wonder if his intention is to quit sponging off Mom and Dad and look to the OP for support? I'd be careful about any living situation that mixes finances...

 

Mr. Lucky

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He's 29, 2nd yr lawyer, i'm 28, 4th yr tech. we are both only child.

 

He doesn't pay rent (his family own the apt and now he's staying at my place mostly). His parents paid for his car, education, medical, etc. He doesn't even have cable or gym, no substance abuse. And his monthly bill is roughly 10K. Meanwhile, my monthly expense is less than 4k in total (home, utility, health, travel, etc). In the texts, he asked his mom to pay for 12K on clothing and few thousands on vacation that he went with friends.

 

Some of his expenses are coming from me: dinners, concerts, gifts, etc. In return, I gave him gifts in the same price range. It doesn't justify his spending because I don't go out much. He even called me low maintenance girlfriend.

 

I was considering talking to his parents to get more insight, they treat me like future daughter in law. But I don't feel comfortable probing into someone's finance. Sometimes i wonder if he's paying child support to a baby that i don't know of. either that or really really bad money mgmt.

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Do not talk to his parents about his finances.

 

 

Sit down with him & make a budget. If his rent is free what the heck is he spending $10k per month on? Spending $120k per year when he only makes $75k is a huge problem.

 

 

Talk to him logically like somebody who cares about him not as his boss or jailer.

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I doubt he's trying to find a "sugar mommy". 135k isn't whole lot where I'm living. 35% tax, avg rent is 2.7K for 1BR. When we first started dating, there is a girl likes him, her family is loaded and she's in investment banking. she probably makes 2-3x what i'm making. he could've dated her if money is his motive.

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What bills does he have that add to 10k?

 

I run a horse farm with 6 horses and I have two cars myself, and my bills are under $3000 a month.

 

That is insane. Need more details.

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This is exactly what I am worried about. I didn't mind the actual number but his money mgmt style.

 

This.

 

Also, if he's lying about salary, makes me wonder he's lying about anything else, family wealth, debt, etc.

 

He might have been trying to impress you as you haven't been together for very long, yet. But you raise very important questions.

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true, how do i start the conversation without being annoying? He's in huge denial about his finance. Throwing away a otherwise good relationship is hard, but the effort required to bring behavioral change is a lot.

 

I tried to bring up money talk in the past, about IRA, tax deduction, money saving tricks, etc. Every time he brushed me off saying his inheritance/law degree/money in stock market will one day magically take off and solve all problems... With the cost of home and kids, inheritance and stocks are not long term sustainable solution.

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If your issue is his ability to manage money that is a serious but not insurmountable thing. If you talk to him & possibly make budget with him, it's possible that he could become more responsible.

 

It depends on how much you want this to work.

 

It's worth giving it a try. You don't have children, yet. But it seems to me that people's money personalities pretty much unchangeable because they're based on the emotional core of a person. If you decide to have a family with this man, his money (mis)management tendencies will no doubt prove an eternal struggle for you.

 

My wife pays lip service to the need to set financial goals and make short term sacrifices to attain them but she's usually out of money by the middle of the month (I pay all the large regular bills, and, much of the time, even buy some of the groceries which is what we have agreed is solely her responsibility). Before we got married, she had saved up a nice nest egg for herself but she had done that mainly forced by her circumstances. After she she and I met and started a relationship, her attitude and behavior gradually reverted to their natural state. What I'm saying is that everyone should encourage their partners to be themselves as completely and as early as possible into the relationship and be mindful of what their partner is really communicating with their actions and words. That way, it is still possible to get out with much less damage than serious commitments have been made.

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