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Always wondered if she cheated


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I'm new to the forum so please forgive me if I'm not in the right place. Something has periodically been eating at me for years. I met my wife while in high school...been together for 33 years and married for 15. About 22 years ago, after an argument and me walking out the door for a long walk, when I return she was quiet, as was I. A little while later, she said to me, "I made a mistake". We made up later than evening and all was fine. It has been so for many years. A couple of years ago, something about that night came to my mind and I was rehashing the events, trying to remember what we were arguing about. And it occurred to me what she had said, which I didn't give a lot of thought to at the time. Older, wiser now, the phrase she used makes me think she may have cheated...that was about 7 years before we were married but we had been together for some time already. If she were apologetic about the argument, wouldn't she have said something like I'm sorry, or it was my fault, or something along those lines. Why did she say "I made a mistake".

 

A year ago I brought this up and she told me then she was probably trying to apologize for the argument, but now it doesn't seem right. Why would she say that unless she had cheated? I let it go but came seem to shake the thought.

 

Should I ask her again and tell her if she were apologizing she would have done so and not used that particular phrase, "I made a mistake".

 

Any opinions would be appreciated. We have a good relationship now...although I think our sex life is poor. Kids, too, and all else seems fine, but if she did it then is it possible, not being caught, she could have done it again?

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Why are you worrying about this now?

 

I bet if you look deeper, your "poor" sex life has probably led you to thoughts that you could or want to cheat on her. Maybe there's someone already giving you attention now and making you feel good.

 

And if your wife cheated on you 22 years ago, then by golly, you are justified in cheating on her too!

 

Seriously? 22 years ago, you went for a "long walk" and what? You think during your walk, when she probably had no idea how long you'd be gone that she ran out and slept with someone while you were out walking?

 

I don't know what the argument was about but "I made a mistake", could be her way of ending the argument without saying sorry because maybe she wasn't sorry. I'll end an argument with "you're right" when I clearly do not think that but don't want to argue anymore. Or she could have said that she made a mistake by arguing, or making a big deal out of whatever you were arguing about ...WHO KNOWS.

 

And if your life has been good since then, then why are you here now wondering about it?

 

Is there more to the story? Because if one statement 22 years ago is what is bothering you then you are grossly overreacting.

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Jersey born raised

Why did you suddenly remember an argument from 22 years ago and remember the comment? Is there something else more recent?

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"I made a mistake" would never cause me to jump to the conclusion that someone was cheating. There are many ways to make mistakes besides cheating!

 

Are there other signs that she has been cheating? What in the world would cause you to jump to that conclusion?

 

How long has your sex life been bad? What have you done to attempt to address that?

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

Before marriage 22 years ago, and it's just now eating at you, why? Also how possible is it for her to cheat when you were gone for that short time?

 

I've told my wife "I made a mistake" before and I've never cheated. It was usually owning up to a mistake I made that caused a fight. Pretty common thing to say when you are trying to own up to your mistakes and bad choices. She was probably telling you the truth that she was talking about the fight you two had. You got mad enough to go for a walk, maybe she felt she made a mistake in choice of words or whatever it was you two were fighting about.

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Thin, too thin to worry about. First thing, how fast she must have met someone to cheat when you were out walking? Does not pass the laugh test. Unless you have more, I think you need to let pass.

 

This does raise a another issue, why after all these years are you thinking about this, and along these lines. Seem to me it points to other issues in the marriage and relationship. I suggest you deal with here and now, as you have work to do on your marriage.

 

I wish you luck.....

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Mrs. John Adams

After all these years...after living with her...sharing life with her...having children....why in the hell does it matter now?

 

Has she been a good wife? Has she made you happy? Has she been a good mother? Do you fear she is actively cheating? If so...why? What has she done that makes you think she is in a relationship with someone else?

 

Sometimes I confess I am amazed at the questions asked here and the issues that are addressed.

 

If I were married 15 years to a woman who had been faithful and good....why should i go back to a truly insignificant moment and try to make it something huge...when it was not important at the time?

 

If this is really an issue for you...ask her. If you have sexual issues...seek therapy and a doctor....both of you. She may be menopausal....and sex is painful or the last thing on her mind.

 

I think you are making something out of nothing.....

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The first question that crossed my mind is who would she have had time to cheat with during your long walk? Did she have someone waiting next door? The second thing is after 22 years, why is this a factor now? A wise soldier once told me that if I go looking for trouble I would surely find it. If she cheated or not, the fact you are bringing this up after all these years is going to put a bump in your marriage. Many, many years ago I found out my wife had an EA. I never ask her if it was also a PA. Why? Because at the time I was a career soldier (Special Forces) and I knew that if it was physical then I would have done physical harm/damage to the other man (who had been a friend of mine). Second, knowing would have always been in the back of my mind. I wouldn't even think about asking her today. I have a marriage that is almost ideal and has been for the last 35 years. I wouldn't risk that for something that could have or didn't happened all those years ago. I wish you well.

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We have a good relationship now...although I think our sex life is poor.

 

You've buried the real subject of your post in the fourth paragraph. The argument was 20+ years ago but the sexual disconnect in happening now, in real time.

 

Why isn't that more important to you :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Thin, too thin to worry about. First thing, how fast she must have met someone to cheat when you were out walking? Does not pass the laugh test. Unless you have more, I think you need to let pass.

 

This does raise a another issue, why after all these years are you thinking about this, and along these lines. Seem to me it points to other issues in the marriage and relationship. I suggest you deal with here and now, as you have work to do on your marriage.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

I thought the same. But, I am guessing she "made a mistake" at another time, not during the walk. lol

 

Regardless, there is obviously more to this story for it to be an issue now so many years later. Is there another woman catching OP's interest? Is OP's wife acting suspiciously now?

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You are seriously revisting an event 22 years ago? Your wife could have shot you dead and would be out of prison in less time than that.

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What exactly happened to make you think this below?

 

she may have cheated...that was about 7 years before we were married

 

Because I've made a mistake, doesn't constitute cheating, unless you're leaving a very important element of this out?

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The gut is always right. I have seen it time after time on these forums.

 

 

Now years later there is not much that you can do except to tell her

how those words still haunt you now. Tell her the problem is back then

you should of had her take a polygraph. Tell her that you need the truth

from to be able to move forward for your doubts keep you two apart

and fully connected. It has caused it to greatly diminish even your

sex life.

 

 

Then ask her how can she help you to get past it now.

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You've buried the real subject of your post in the fourth paragraph. The argument was 20+ years ago but the sexual disconnect in happening now, in real time.

 

Why isn't that more important to you :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I caught onto this too. I'm betting because of the poor Sex he is starting to get entangled in an affair and looking for justification and that comment 22 years ago is the only thing he can come up with.

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I appreciate all of the insight here. I can assure everyone that I have not or am considering cheating. I may be an odd duck, but truthfully it would be hard on me to look at myself in the mirror if I had done this since I like to believe i'm an honorable person and doing that wouldn't give me a leg to stand on.

 

There is some truth in comments, though, asking about my current relationship. I do love her to death, as i'm sure she does me. But because of our lacking sex life, and the fact that it doesn't seem to bother her anywhere near as much as me (she's fine once a month but it seems only by guilt even though she will initiate almost as a favor, seemingly), I look back and wonder what has gotten us to this point, and wonder, too, if something like cheating, at some point in the past, might have contributed to her current condition. I think that's why I started looking back and ultimately remembered the conversation. When a person makes a mistake, it's typically a result of bad information going into the decision or some kind of accident. But when a person cheats it's a choice, so saying I made a mistake doesn't really comport to making a mistake but more so a choice with regard to cheating.

 

That's why I am hungup on the phrase and feel as that if she were apologetic for our argument she wouldn't have used that phrase at all.

 

Also, I know she didn't cheat while I was walking. I felt as if it might be a reference for something in the near past. Possibly, an occurrence contributing to our argument that night as she may have been feeling guilty.

 

Thanks again for your comments.

Edited by thp
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Many married couples experience a decline in their sex life without cheating. (Hell, I cheated and all it did was make me horny 24/7).

 

Have you two talked about it? Sounds like you are hinting that there are troubles in other areas of the relationship (which can be a real libido killer)

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something like cheating, at some point in the past, might have contributed to her current condition.

 

Here are the Top 3 things most likely contributing to your wife's "condition":

 

3). Resentment

2). Resentment

 

and...

 

1). Resentment

 

Now some people are so good at internalizing this anger, they won't even admit to themselves it exists. But their actions - and libido - aren't nearly as circumspect.

 

So thp, something going on her. And you're going to have to work to figure it out if you want things to improve. Were it me, I'd stop looking back decades ago and focus on the here and now...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Maybe when she said she made a mistake it was being in a relationship with you. Or maybe she made a mistake even bringing up whatever she did that contributed to the fight

 

There are SOOO many things that one can say they made a mistake on that you are taking this astronomical leap to now saying it must indicate cheating.

 

Seriously I am just astounded. That in 15 years of day in and day out life that there is nothing there that could contribute to the sexual decline that it must be that. . .

 

 

Seriously this leaves me speechless.

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I certainly appreciate everyone's insight and help. Honestly, it was a long time ago. if it were true, however, it would still hurt, although I suspect i'd get over it due to the time factor.

 

I think there's a lot of truth in thoughts about my current relationship being questionable. I can honestly say that I plan to remain with her for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine life without her. in that our sex life is starved, it just makes me wonder what could have caused it. Although I do not look like I did 30 years ago, I believe i'm still an attractive guy. I'm a hard worker, with a bit of chip on my shoulder (defense mechanism from being bullied a lot as a kid) and i'm in pretty good shape, 6 foot, 240 lbs, not a hairy guy just a bit of facial hair...kind of a muscular bear. Generally, I take pretty good care of myself. Financially, I'm doing well and can afford the type of life where we get by comfortably with about 60 hours of work per week on my part, but I work for myself and I'm always around.

 

My supposition is that the physical attraction on her part just isn't the same as it used to be years ago. She's changed, too, but to me I still love just being with her physically regardless of the changes. I just don't feel as if she is as inclined. She loves me but a person starts wondering in times like these if there is anything else which could be contributing to my concern.

 

When you think you know someone so well that nothing can surprise you, it's a hard thing to imagine there being the possibility that something is unknown by you about them. I remembered, too, what got me thinking along these lines in the first place. A year ago, we were talking about old boyfriends/girlfriends. I had reminded her of her first in high school, which she had told me years ago when we started dating was a one time event. Before me, he was the only, she said. So I spent the next 30ish years believing I was the second since she and he were together only once, I chalked that up to a typical first time thing. however, in that recent conversation, she had said she was only with him a couple of times, she thinks, forgetting after all this time she had originally told me only once. She claims, too, not to remember much about it. It made me ask myself what else could she have been keeping from me, hence the recollection of the conversation where she had told me she made a mistake.

 

I'm sure the best remedy would be to just forget about it, but I believe I'm looking for anything which might help to explain to me our current condition. Yes, we're older, in our 50's, but if it were up to me we'd be enjoying sex at least a couple of times per week. If I am to blame, I would expect it's because of my tendency to be a bit opinionated on most subjects and it may have caused her, over time, to tend to resent that piece of my personality enough so that she simply doesn't see me that way any longer to the extent I would hope.

 

Long story short, thanks for your help.

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Here's the thing. For many women, the dudes physique is not what turns their libido on and off.....

 

What do you do to make her feel SPECIAL? To make her feel appreciated, desired and sexy?

 

Words and actions count. I love it when my husband tells me how sexy I am, or sends me little texts to flirt throughout the day.

 

I joke that coming home to a clean house with the dishes done is like female Viagra ;)

 

Keeping a "fire" takes effort. When was the last time you planned a weekend getaway? Or left little love notes?

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I remembered, too, what got me thinking along these lines in the first place. A year ago, we were talking about old boyfriends/girlfriends. I had reminded her of her first in high school, which she had told me years ago when we started dating was a one time event. Before me, he was the only, she said. So I spent the next 30ish years believing I was the second since she and he were together only once, I chalked that up to a typical first time thing. however, in that recent conversation, she had said she was only with him a couple of times, she thinks, forgetting after all this time she had originally told me only once. She claims, too, not to remember much about it. It made me ask myself what else could she have been keeping from me, hence the recollection of the conversation where she had told me she made a mistake.

 

How do you know her recollection today of events from 30 years ago isn't faulty?

 

That you would be trying to manufacture something out of "did she sleep with her ONLY partner before you once like she said or twice like she recalls now" casts you in a slightly neurotic light. Got to be many more healthy places to invest that emotional energy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I certainly appreciate everyone's insight and help. Honestly, it was a long time ago. if it were true, however, it would still hurt, although I suspect i'd get over it due to the time factor.

 

I think there's a lot of truth in thoughts about my current relationship being questionable. I can honestly say that I plan to remain with her for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine life without her. in that our sex life is starved, it just makes me wonder what could have caused it. Although I do not look like I did 30 years ago, I believe i'm still an attractive guy. I'm a hard worker, with a bit of chip on my shoulder (defense mechanism from being bullied a lot as a kid) and i'm in pretty good shape, 6 foot, 240 lbs, not a hairy guy just a bit of facial hair...kind of a muscular bear. Generally, I take pretty good care of myself. Financially, I'm doing well and can afford the type of life where we get by comfortably with about 60 hours of work per week on my part, but I work for myself and I'm always around.

 

My supposition is that the physical attraction on her part just isn't the same as it used to be years ago. She's changed, too, but to me I still love just being with her physically regardless of the changes. I just don't feel as if she is as inclined. She loves me but a person starts wondering in times like these if there is anything else which could be contributing to my concern.

 

When you think you know someone so well that nothing can surprise you, it's a hard thing to imagine there being the possibility that something is unknown by you about them. I remembered, too, what got me thinking along these lines in the first place. A year ago, we were talking about old boyfriends/girlfriends. I had reminded her of her first in high school, which she had told me years ago when we started dating was a one time event. Before me, he was the only, she said. So I spent the next 30ish years believing I was the second since she and he were together only once, I chalked that up to a typical first time thing. however, in that recent conversation, she had said she was only with him a couple of times, she thinks, forgetting after all this time she had originally told me only once. She claims, too, not to remember much about it. It made me ask myself what else could she have been keeping from me, hence the recollection of the conversation where she had told me she made a mistake.

 

I'm sure the best remedy would be to just forget about it, but I believe I'm looking for anything which might help to explain to me our current condition. Yes, we're older, in our 50's, but if it were up to me we'd be enjoying sex at least a couple of times per week. If I am to blame, I would expect it's because of my tendency to be a bit opinionated on most subjects and it may have caused her, over time, to tend to resent that piece of my personality enough so that she simply doesn't see me that way any longer to the extent I would hope.

 

Long story short, thanks for your help.

 

 

 

Back then wife meant the only one she had sex with, not the number

of times they had sex.

 

 

You understood she only had sex one time.

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Really? You're hanging on to some fight from and a comment from 20+ years ago? Sounds like you are the one regretting something from that night if you're hung up on that night. I have a good memory and can only remember one or two augments my wife and I have had in the past 18 years and it's only because I said some hurtful things that I wish I'd never said. Let it go libido changes over time as well as our physical bodies do. Grow a pair and tell her your feelings about your sex life and find out how to fix it.

Also look deep into that augment to see we YOU are hanging onto it.

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You say you have no plans to leave and you will be with her forever.

 

But if you don't learn to let this go, you're going to ruin a perfectly good relationship

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