Restless Wife, Renewed Connection w Old Flame

[dejo]

I'm 53, together with my husband for almost thirty years, will become an empty nester this fall, and suddenly, I'm incredibly restless. I love my spouse, admire him, and appreciate him deeply. But I'm just...not all there right now. I'm still attractive, and so is he, but he has put on some weight, has started looking more like his dad with the big belly. That's the superficial part of it--I know this physical change wouldn't matter if my heart and mind weren't feeling a desire to roam. I recently reached out online to an old flame of thirty years ago. He'd visited my husband and I about 15 years ago, and I'd felt nothing, it was all very friendly. But this time...it's different. We exchanged emails, being open and talking just like we used to do all those years ago. It started occupying a huge part of my mind.

 

I realized that I'd opened a door to trouble, and so yesterday I talked to the old flame by phone and told him I had to break off contact. It was the right thing to do, but my heart is aching, and I feel guilty about keeping all this from my husband. I want to fall back in love with my spouse and get ready for our next phase together.

 

Any suggestions? I'm just feeling so sad right now.

[Ronni_W]

dejo,

Is it possible that what you are experiencing might be about the need for a sense of greater connection with something 'bigger'? - like a stronger sense of self, purpose, etc.?

 

(When I began my mid-life crisis, I also thought that it had to do with the person with whom I was and some other person with whom I was not -- but, in the end,

that turned out to be only my own wrong impression and misinterpretation of what was transpiring within me...which was all and only about the person I was and

the person I was not yet being.)

 

There are other ways to 'scratch this itch' -- the way of adultery or divorce will always be open for you; but, especially with adultery, you will not ever be able to undo it. After the fact, feel regretful and remorseful, yes, but...

 

Hugs, and very best with making your decision

In Love and Light.

Ronni.

[dejo]

Ronni, thank you. I do feel like this is a midlife crisis, and I know that I need to do a lot of work on myself right now. And though I feel so restless, I am not a cheater, it's just not my nature--it would cause me huge mental pain. Can I ask, what did you find that gave you that connection to something bigger? I'm looking for ideas..

[alsudduth]

Ronni, thank you. I do feel like this is a midlife crisis, and I know that I need to do a lot of work on myself right now. And though I feel so restless, I am not a cheater, it's just not my nature--it would cause me huge mental pain. Can I ask, what did you find that gave you that connection to something bigger? I'm looking for ideas..

 

Is there anything you always wanted to do but couldn't because you were raising kids, and being a wife? Take the time to think of those things and find a hobby to occupy your time that you can love. I for one always wanted to do a stained glass course. I haven't yet, due to cost, but I spend more time with my friends when I feel like I need a break from my spouse.

 

I also do IC to help me work through issues within myself. It helps tremendously. If nothing else, it will help you find ways to deal with your "mid-life crises"

[Ronni_W]

Can I ask, what did you find that gave you that connection to something bigger? I'm looking for ideas..

Oh my gosh, dejo - what didn't I do?

 

I'm sorry to have to admit out loud that, firstly, I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, for about a year or two. It is 100% clear and apparent to me that you will not fall into this pattern -- simply because you're asking the self-examining questions that you're asking (which I didn't even know to do, at first.)

 

At the very beginning, the book that helped me the most was 'The Celestine Prophecy', recommended by a friend who must have recognized where I was - before I even had the first inkling or clue of where to look. The book just brought some brand-new ideas, thoughts and possibilities into my perspective.

That led me to explore ways and means of learning more about myself and what makes me tick -- I hired a spiritual psychotherapist, took up meditation, completed 10-week courses in both 'Auto Mechanics 101' and 'Belly Dancing'. (What didn't I do, dejo? .)

 

For me, it has been a very gradual process that is still ongoing; which, now, is something that I will continue to my last breath. The sources of study and information

that I'm currently in tune with, refer to it as 'the never-ending process and Spiral of self-transcendence'. I feel very 'at home' in and with it, so I'm sticking with it.

 

In any event. Rather than turn this into some boring-to-everyone-else autobiography of my experiences over the past 20 or so years...feel free to ask any further questions.

[BettyDraper]

I'm 53, together with my husband for almost thirty years, will become an empty nester this fall, and suddenly, I'm incredibly restless. I love my spouse, admire him, and appreciate him deeply. But I'm just...not all there right now. I'm still attractive, and so is he, but he has put on some weight, has started looking more like his dad with the big belly. That's the superficial part of it--I know this physical change wouldn't matter if my heart and mind weren't feeling a desire to roam. I recently reached out online to an old flame of thirty years ago. He'd visited my husband and I about 15 years ago, and I'd felt nothing, it was all very friendly. But this time...it's different. We exchanged emails, being open and talking just like we used to do all those years ago. It started occupying a huge part of my mind.

 

I realized that I'd opened a door to trouble, and so yesterday I talked to the old flame by phone and told him I had to break off contact. It was the right thing to do, but my heart is aching, and I feel guilty about keeping all this from my husband. I want to fall back in love with my spouse and get ready for our next phase together.

 

Any suggestions? I'm just feeling so sad right now.

 

I admire you for breaking off contact with your old flame.

I'm sure you realize that love is a verb and it takes a lot of effort to keep the spark in a marriage.

Have you thought of taking up a new hobby with your husband? How about more getaways or an extended vacation?

[Jersey born raised]

There are groups geared to help heathy marriages grow in new directions. My folks used a group called marriage encounters 20-30 years ago. I glanced though the lit and it kept stressing this program was for heathy marriages only.

 

You avoid a huge pitfall with ex flame, read not just friends among others.

 

Finally step up and ask for MC. Be bold in sharing your feelings and the need to address them. Perhaps read "his needs her needs".

[Mr. Lucky]

I realized that I'd opened a door to trouble, and so yesterday I talked to the old flame by phone and told him I had to break off contact. It was the right thing to do, but my heart is aching, and I feel guilty about keeping all this from my husband. I want to fall back in love with my spouse and get ready for our next phase together.

 

Is there a reason you wouldn't tell your husband some simplified version of this, emphasizing how your commitment kept you grounded? It might be the needed wake-up call for both of you to renew your efforts to better your marriage.

 

He could easily be feeling a similar disconnect. I'd have the discussion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dejo]

I admire you for breaking off contact with your old flame.

I'm sure you realize that love is a verb and it takes a lot of effort to keep the spark in a marriage.

Have you thought of taking up a new hobby with your husband? How about more getaways or an extended vacation?

Thank you all for the suggestions, and I'd love to hear more, if people have them. And thank you, BettyDraper, for your kind words. It's been a hard day, and I feel as if it's going to be a daily struggle not to contact this old flame. It was so lovely to talk to him by phone, it brought back a lot of good feelings from my youth, and he didn't really understand why we couldn't just stay in touch as friends (he is married too, with three kids still at home). While our connection is intense, I don't think he was really thinking about it progressing to a physical affair--just more realistic, or better at keeping his emotions in an appropriate place, I guess? Also, we live 8 hours apart.

 

My husband and I have a trip planned for September, after our child goes off to college. It seems a long way away, but I'm sure it will be good for us. In the meantime, I may try talking to him, but only after my emotions settle down, and I don't know if I will ever tell him about the contact with the old flame--he's very possessive. And hobbies, well, it seems kind of a poor substitution for the feelings I've been having, but I will look around...

[understand50]

dejo,

 

First of all you need to not be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing, and although your heart may feel heavy at this time, think of what would have happened, and the hurt and pain, if you had walked trough that door? We here sometimes do not give credit to those that avoid the fall, and step away precipice to do what is right. Feel good about yourself. You were tested and pasted.

 

I am older then you and have been married for over 40 years. I can say that I have fallen out and in love with my wife many times. It is part of being human. When I have fallen out of love a bit, I remind myself why I fell in love with her in the first place. I reread our love letters, think and talk about all the good time, and plain new ones. Look at a picture of when she was 17, and I first knew her. We also, make time each week to do something together. Go out to dinner, cuddle by the fire, or just sit and read books together over a pot of coffee. Something we did when we first lived together.

 

Point is, when I do not feel it, I work to remember why I did in the first place. Looking back at your relationship, try and bring back the why you are together.

 

I wish you luck........

 

Here are some links that may give you some ideas:

 

18 At-Home Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

Marriage Tips for Men | The Art of Manliness

 

Marriage Tips for Men | The Art of Manliness

 

Make Romance Last | The Art of Manliness

[BettyDraper]

Thank you all for the suggestions, and I'd love to hear more, if people have them. And thank you, BettyDraper, for your kind words. It's been a hard day, and I feel as if it's going to be a daily struggle not to contact this old flame. It was so lovely to talk to him by phone, it brought back a lot of good feelings from my youth, and he didn't really understand why we couldn't just stay in touch as friends (he is married too, with three kids still at home). While our connection is intense, I don't think he was really thinking about it progressing to a physical affair--just more realistic, or better at keeping his emotions in an appropriate place, I guess? Also, we live 8 hours apart.

 

My husband and I have a trip planned for September, after our child goes off to college. It seems a long way away, but I'm sure it will be good for us. In the meantime, I may try talking to him, but only after my emotions settle down, and I don't know if I will ever tell him about the contact with the old flame--he's very possessive. And hobbies, well, it seems kind of a poor substitution for the feelings I've been having, but I will look around...

 

I understand how far away your trip seems now. We're taking a trip in mid October and it feels like an eternity. Since a child leaving home is often bittersweet, it makes sense to enjoy the new uninterrupted time with your husband. Trips revive excitement and romance in a marriage.

 

Refraining from contact with the old flame will be hard as you need to go through a grieving process.

I don't think you're missing your friend so much; your pain is really about mourning your lost youth.

That is the root of a midlife crisis.

Edited February 10, 2017 by BettyDraper

[dejo]

Thank you all for this encouragement and the links to ideas. I really appreciate it. I am trying to plan some things for my husband and I to do together, and will try to just take it one day at a time.

[Eight]

I just wanted to commend you for taking a step back and being thoughful. I am nearly the same age as you are, with the same sort of life situation and I wish I had the insight that you when I reconnected with my first love from high school a year and a half ago.

 

We did not stay "just friends" and it did not end well, as 98% or more never do. You have avoided a HUGE mess in your life. One that changes you and your spouse forever.

 

It's much easier to fix the problems in your marriage without also trying to recover from infidelity.

 

Best wishes.

[dejo]

I just wanted to commend you for taking a step back and being thoughful. I am nearly the same age as you are, with the same sort of life situation and I wish I had the insight that you when I reconnected with my first love from high school a year and a half ago.

 

We did not stay "just friends" and it did not end well, as 98% or more never do. You have avoided a HUGE mess in your life. One that changes you and your spouse forever.

 

It's much easier to fix the problems in your marriage without also trying to recover from infidelity.

 

Best wishes.

 

Wow, thanks for this perspective, Eight. I somehow didn't think it would ever happen to me, but now I understand how quickly and intensely the feelings come over you, and how they could overwhelm even the strongest moral code. I still feel like I"m teetering on the brink, but I hope and believe that I've tipped the balance away from taking that leap...just in time. Of course, part of me just wants to live and experience...but I guess I'll have to find ways to do that within the confines of marriage. "Confines" is how it feels to me right now, but hopefully I'll get to a place where it feels free and easy again to be married.

 

Do you think hormones had anything to do with it? I thought I'd ask, since you said you're around the same age. I feel like it must be a factor. I feel like I'm going through a second adolescence. And I know at this age, hormonal stuff is happening...

 

Anyhow, thanks!

[Nailhead]

I'm 53, together with my husband for almost thirty years, will become an empty nester this fall, and suddenly, I'm incredibly restless. I love my spouse, admire him, and appreciate him deeply. But I'm just...not all there right now. I'm still attractive, and so is he, but he has put on some weight, has started looking more like his dad with the big belly. That's the superficial part of it--I know this physical change wouldn't matter if my heart and mind weren't feeling a desire to roam. I recently reached out online to an old flame of thirty years ago. He'd visited my husband and I about 15 years ago, and I'd felt nothing, it was all very friendly. But this time...it's different. We exchanged emails, being open and talking just like we used to do all those years ago. It started occupying a huge part of my mind.

 

I realized that I'd opened a door to trouble, and so yesterday I talked to the old flame by phone and told him I had to break off contact. It was the right thing to do, but my heart is aching, and I feel guilty about keeping all this from my husband. I want to fall back in love with my spouse and get ready for our next phase together.

 

Any suggestions? I'm just feeling so sad right now.

 

Good for you for cutting off contact. That is a dead end street and over a cliff. Now, only you can make you happy. Talk to your H and tell him how you are feeling. What you would like to see happen in the coming years. Start DATING your H again. It is so very easy! Trust me...married 21 years. It was getting kind of stale My W and I made a conscientious effort to be ALIVE again. And we did just that. Start acting like we were dating again. Been 3 years and we are still very much in love, happy and living life. It takes work from both. Your H can not work on it if he is not aware.

[Nailhead]

Ronni, thank you. I do feel like this is a midlife crisis, and I know that I need to do a lot of work on myself right now. And though I feel so restless, I am not a cheater, it's just not my nature--it would cause me huge mental pain. Can I ask, what did you find that gave you that connection to something bigger? I'm looking for ideas..

 

Midlife crisis...no such thing. It is called...I'm bored. My W and I reconnected by spending no less than 15 hours a week together doing something that did not involve kids, bill paying and the like. In short, movies, theater, shopping in small towns, nice restaurants, day trips, weekend away, exercise together(walks) and you guessed it...flowers every now then just because, small notes of love and appreciation. My W and I discovered our old dating person was still in there. We just had to draw them back out.

[Nailhead]

I understand how far away your trip seems now. We're taking a trip in mid October and it feels like an eternity. Since a child leaving home is often bittersweet, it makes sense to enjoy the new uninterrupted time with your husband. Trips revive excitement and romance in a marriage.

 

 

 

Trips and planned outings. Good for the soul and a marriage!

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you think hormones had anything to do with it? I thought I'd ask, since you said you're around the same age. I feel like it must be a factor. I feel like I'm going through a second adolescence. And I know at this age, hormonal stuff is happening...

 

Would you accept that as an excuse or rationale from your husband if you caught him in an EA - or worse?

 

Be careful, it's a slippery slope once we start trying to justify inappropriate behavior...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dejo]

Midlife crisis...no such thing. It is called...I'm bored. My W and I reconnected by spending no less than 15 hours a week together doing something that did not involve kids, bill paying and the like. In short, movies, theater, shopping in small towns, nice restaurants, day trips, weekend away, exercise together(walks) and you guessed it...flowers every now then just because, small notes of love and appreciation. My W and I discovered our old dating person was still in there. We just had to draw them back out.

 

The crazy thing is that my husband and I already do a lot of that stuff--we have always taken trips just the two of us, and gone on dinner dates, and we go on walks, hikes and other outings (our one child is a senior in high school, and is very busy with friends, activities, etc). He travels for work a lot so when he is home, we have really made an effort to do things together, and we do that pretty much every weekend. That's why I'm so surprised by what's overtaken me. It's not logical--it does almost feel biological.

[friendlyfriend]

Thank goodness for your rationality and that of those responding here! You are on a precipice of losing a good marriage and family that you have built over 29 years. And your feelings tempted you to seek something better? 'Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!' (a common sense warning from back in the day).

 

Feelings are temporary and ethereal...they come and go in reaction to the movies we are playing in our heads and lives. They need to be recognized and analyzed for what they are pointing out. But rather than the head leading the heart, the restless heart is trying to lead your thinking and choices. How you manage your feelings is so important, and incorrectly ignored or solely acted upon have led many, many people down a bad path of 'hurt' for self and others.

 

I'm really impressed with your thoughtfulness and your good character to stop yourself in making a bad choice in favor of the much, much more valuable future. We all have '2 dogs' within us...a bad dog and a good dog. The dog we feed is the one that prevails. Guess which one will give you happiness and a clear conscience when you lay down to sleep? You are so right in feeding the 'good dog.'

 

Bravo for your choosing. Obviously, you and your husband need to talk about re-establishing the foundation, memories, and connection you have in your successful marriage...You may have wandered apart. You have a lot more options and resources now to put 'the icing on the cake' together, and desire and faith in each other, is the platform that leads to a very satisfying and exemplary future for yourselves and your children.

 

There are many, many people rooting for you success here!

[dejo]

Thank goodness for your rationality and that of those responding here! You are on a precipice of losing a good marriage and family that you have built over 29 years. And your feelings tempted you to seek something better? 'Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!' (a common sense warning from back in the day).

 

Feelings are temporary and ethereal...they come and go in reaction to the movies we are playing in our heads and lives. They need to be recognized and analyzed for what they are pointing out. But rather than the head leading the heart, the restless heart is trying to lead your thinking and choices. How you manage your feelings is so important, and incorrectly ignored or solely acted upon have led many, many people down a bad path of 'hurt' for self and others.

 

I'm really impressed with your thoughtfulness and your good character to stop yourself in making a bad choice in favor of the much, much more valuable future. We all have '2 dogs' within us...a bad dog and a good dog. The dog we feed is the one that prevails. Guess which one will give you happiness and a clear conscience when you lay down to sleep? You are so right in feeding the 'good dog.'

 

Bravo for your choosing. Obviously, you and your husband need to talk about re-establishing the foundation, memories, and connection you have in your successful marriage...You may have wandered apart. You have a lot more options and resources now to put 'the icing on the cake' together, and desire and faith in each other, is the platform that leads to a very satisfying and exemplary future for yourselves and your children.

 

There are many, many people rooting for you success here!

 

Thank you for the support and encouragement, from you and others! It is making me feel better. I know it's going to take time to turn this around. And you are right--even though my husband and I already do many of the "dating" things, we actually have wandered apart to some degree, at some deeper level...we need to address it.

 

Also, I'm starting to realize that I may just need a certain amount of freedom and independence at this point in my life (and just going out with my lady friends isn't going to do it--that's when I get REALLY bored). I will need to find acceptable outlets for it, and in ways that don't threaten him, but hopefully I can figure this out.

Edited February 10, 2017 by dejo

[DKT3]

Thank you for the support and encouragement, from you and others! It is making me feel better. I know it's going to take time to turn this around. And you are right--even though my husband and I already do many of the "dating" things, we actually have wandered apart to some degree, at some deeper level...we need to address it.

 

Also, I'm starting to realize that I may just need a certain amount of freedom and independence at this point in my life. I will need to find acceptable outlets for it, and in ways that don't threaten him, but hopefully I can figure this out.

 

Maybe, or maybe that drive for independence comes from having secrets.

 

I just wanted to point out that almost all women in your position come here and place blame on husband's in some fashion. As they travel through the process many start to have a shift in that mindset.

 

You for example say marriage got dull then you connected with OM....Maybe, more often it happens in reverse get involved with someone else then the marriage gets dull as you rob Peter of emotion to give them to Paul.

 

Women are usually the one who champions the relationship, maintains if you will. So it's very difficult to admit to herself that the marriage issues may in fact originate with her actions. It then becomes very easy to twist the reality and history of the marriage and in a short time convince yourself that minor issues have actually been major issues, or you've been unhappy for years when is actually only since you've been involved with another man. People want excuses for bad behavior, honestly, that seems to be what you're really looking for....For something to make this not be your fault.

[DKT3]

Wow, did you even read my post? I've made a choice NOT to betray my husband.

 

So every thought and impulse that crosses your mind is pure and good? You must be an android, not a human being.

 

You might want to think about increasing your level of empathy. Most of us live lives where we battle every day to do what's good and right. If you've never had doubts or longings, I feel sorry for you. The struggle is what makes us human and alive.

 

I think you're attempting to not live in infidelity, because you've already betrayed and by holding the secret Continuing to betray your husband everyday.

 

You're correct that it's part of being human, that isn't the problem, the problem is you're not only looking for external sources of validation and happiness, you're attempting to blame your husband and marriage for this very internal struggle.

[dejo]

I love my spouse, admire him, and appreciate him deeply. But I'm just...not all there right now. I'm still attractive, and so is he, but he has put on some weight, has started looking more like his dad with the big belly. That's the superficial part of it--I know this physical change wouldn't matter if my heart and mind weren't feeling a desire to roam.

 

I want to fall back in love with my spouse and get ready for our next phase together.

 

Any suggestions? I'm just feeling so sad right now.

 

Check out my OP, quoted above. I don't see any blame there--only an admission that it IS my internal struggle. I know this is all about internal work I need to do, and that my husband has done nothing wrong. Your reading of my words is wrong and your hostility is inappropriate.

 

I have already started talking to my husband about this, so back off, would you?

[understand50]

Dejo,

 

Remember, there are all types here. Only take what you need from us. Again, you stopped before you debased yourself, and that is a wonderful thing. Your inner struggle to live up to your vows remains, and you will find support here. You just have to put aside post that do not further your goal.

 

I would suggest in any case, you read everything. As sometime you can find a nugget that may help you think, or just know in your mind "that's not me" Many of us here wish our spouse would have done what you are doing or wish they had taken this path. I think you are doing well and will come out of this a better person and wife to your husband. The truth is that we all have to work hard in marriage, as you are doing now.

 

I wish you luck.....