Counselling and dreaded Valentine's day

[LolaMercedes]

Hello,

 

 

Me and husband are in counselling at the moment as we have drifted apart and cannot seem to find a common ground on anything. as we're approaching Valentines I'm starting to stress out... I'm a very romantic person so my ideal V day would be roses for breakfast, huge box of sweets for lunch, jewellery or other substantial gift for dinner and kisses and ehm cuddles for supper. and he is the opposite.

 

 

I would settle for a nice bath or a takeaway like this person suggests

https://www.buzzfeed.com/gorzauni/romance-is-dead-anti-valentines-day-ideas-for-c-2sfg0 but i'm not sure how to get him on board. I'm thinking to leave this article up on the screen of laptop but f that doesn't work?

Do you have any other ideas how can I get him to do something nice for me that would count as Valentine's gift? I know if he doesn't do anything it will add to the tears of our fabric and push me a bit further.

 

 

I know, I'm a hopeless romantic

[basil67]

How about talking about it with him? "Hey, let's do something nice for V Day"

 

I would caution you away from expecting gifts though. Surely Valentines is about togetherness rather than retail.

[LolaMercedes]

How about talking about it with him? "Hey, let's do something nice for V Day"

 

I would caution you away from expecting gifts though. Surely Valentines is about togetherness rather than retail.

 

thanks, VDay is sensitive subject in my home. he knows how nuts I am about it and I know he repulses the day. so I need to be careful not to cause an argument (like in the past). so I need to be sneaky enough but get where I want to be.

 

 

i'm not expecting huge gifts or anything like that. I just don't want this to be another day. to be honest he should know this and, if he wants to save this marriage, do something about it...

[d0nnivain]

Does your counselor have any ideas?

 

 

At the very least you need to talk about it. Tell your husband what you told us about your ideal. Also acknowledge that you know that would be asking too much of him but that you still would like him to do something. Whatever you do get, praise the effort.

 

 

What are you going to do for him for V -day?

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you have some pretty high expectations.

 

I hope it works out for you. If you are worried about being disappointed, perhaps you should set some more reasonable expectations. I have a friend who says the key to a happy marriage is no expectations... because then you are never disappointed. It is our running joke, but there is some wisdom to this...

[basil67]

thanks, VDay is sensitive subject in my home. he knows how nuts I am about it and I know he repulses the day. so I need to be careful not to cause an argument (like in the past). so I need to be sneaky enough but get where I want to be.

 

 

i'm not expecting huge gifts or anything like that. I just don't want this to be another day. to be honest he should know this and, if he wants to save this marriage, do something about it...

 

Wow. Why are you putting your own needs so much higher than his? Is there no place for discussion and compromise in your marriage? Also, why would you place value in gifts bought under duress?

 

Your view really needs to go to marriage counselling.

[BaileyB]

I need to be careful not to cause an argument (like in the past). so I need to be sneaky enough but get where I want to be.

 

I understand why you would want something special to happen on Valentine's Day... And I can appreciate why you would want him to show love and appreciation. But try to keep "the day" in perspective. Do you honestly think that he's not going to put it together, what you are doing? This just isn't going to be a successful strategy for you.

 

Unless he does it with sincerity from a place of generosity, it's just going to cause resentment. Honestly, I would focus on the bigger issues - showing appreciation, love, and kindness to each other every day of the year...

[BaileyB]

I just don't want this to be another day. to be honest he should know this and, if he wants to save this marriage, do something about it...

 

Just noticed this...

 

Nothing like a good ultimatum to motivate your partner to show you love and kindness... And ultimately, to want to devote his life to you in marriage.

 

Seriously, your expectations are unreasonable and your behavior is selfish and immature. Continue with the counselling - you will need it if you want to stay married.

Edited February 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[rushed]

My experience with the gents on Valentine's Day is that if you don't tell them what you want, you're not going to get it.

 

I would talk to him about it. Let him know what you want and how much it would mean to you (with no pressure or guilt). I know that we would love for our significant others to automatically know what we want. However, that is rarely the case, which is why we need to vocalize it.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Can't figure why he hates Valentine's day. Super high expectations, ultimatums, the high chance that no matter what he does it won't be enough for you. Why would any man not love that?

[d0nnivain]

Hey, for all those of you vilifying the OP, she described her ideal but she also said she'd be happy if her husband brought home takeout & ran her a bath. That is hardly over the top.

 

 

Lola -- whatever your expectations, you need to communicate them to your husband. If you don't he will disappoint you simply because he is not a mind reader.

[BettyDraper]

A marriage cannot be successful without clear communication. Tell your husband what you want.

 

My husband hates to go out for dinner on Valentine's Day. However, we have spent the last few Valentine's evenings at home so he is taking me out this year. I have a gift for my husband since Valentine's Day is his birthday. It's about compromise.

[aileD]

What you're not learning in counseling is that love is about giving --- not receiving. If you love your husband you should want to do nice things for him just because you love him- expecting nothing in return.

[BaileyB]

What you're not learning in counseling is that love is about giving --- not receiving. If you love your husband you should want to do nice things for him just because you love him- expecting nothing in return.

 

The absolute truth.

[d0nnivain]

What you're not learning in counseling is that love is about giving --- not receiving. If you love your husband you should want to do nice things for him just because you love him- expecting nothing in return.

 

 

Doesn't her husband have to learn that lesson too? If she has always been the giver but gotten nothing but overlooked in the past, it's tough to continue to be so self-sacrificing.

[Ronni_W]

so I need to be sneaky enough but get where I want to be.

This self-image and perspective, and lack of consideration and respect for and acceptance of your husband, is not conducive to healing all that is wrong in your marriage;

and, almost certainly, your marriage counselor would not suggest or condone such manipulative behaviour.

 

If you two are not yet at the healed stage where you can have an open, honest and direct conversation, with each other, about your individual needs, then

bring this communications issue out into the open during your next session.

 

In the meantime, plan how you want your Valentine's Day to go -- and then just organize it and make it happen. In any event, there seems to be an expectation for your husband to just go along with whatever you want, so why also make him suffer the indignity and stress of planning, organizing and executing an event that you already know 'repulses' him?

 

and, if he wants to save this marriage, do something about it...

If you want your marriage saved, then YOU do something about it. (And, if you don't, then be honest, directly with your husband, about that.)

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Outside of this nonsensical holiday, does he show you love? Does he take you to dinner? Buy you gifts just because?

 

The thing with Valentine's day is it is practically forced upon people to do something that day. It's not like the idea was just yours, no it's expected for some people. Therefore doesn't make it genuine in my eyes. A bouquet of flowers on a random Tuesday means way more to my wife then a bouquet on Valentine's day. In her eyes it was the stupid holiday that made me buy those flowers for her, or made her buy the chocolates for me. It's not near the impact because it's just not as genuine or heartfelt. When you are expecting a gift, doesn't it make that gift less valuable?

 

I think you are placing too much importance on a nonsense holiday.

 

I'm personally going backpacking with my uncle next week, won't even be near my wife. I asked her if this was OK, she said "I don't need some holiday to know you love me, you show me every day"

 

To even hint at a Holiday not living up to your expectations would push you further away says more bad about you then it does about him in my eyes.

[LolaMercedes]

Does your counselor have any ideas?

 

 

At the very least you need to talk about it. Tell your husband what you told us about your ideal. Also acknowledge that you know that would be asking too much of him but that you still would like him to do something. Whatever you do get, praise the effort.

 

 

What are you going to do for him for V -day?

 

 

My couselor says to talk to him but i'm afraid this will bring out Hulk in him. I'm not expecting much, the things in the article I linked would be enough. just something really that will mark this day as not everyday. what I wrote before would be my ideal day but i'm not expecting anyting like that at all.

 

 

if he does well he will be praised and rewarded, trust me, in a way i'm embarrassed to talk about

[LolaMercedes]

With all due respect, you have some pretty high expectations.

 

I hope it works out for you. If you are worried about being disappointed, perhaps you should set some more reasonable expectations. I have a friend who says the key to a happy marriage is no expectations... because then you are never disappointed. It is our running joke, but there is some wisdom to this...

 

 

Thanks and I like your saying about the expectations. i'm hopeless romantic so I will always hope for sparks and fireworks but I will settle for anything out of ordinary.

[LolaMercedes]

Wow. Why are you putting your own needs so much higher than his? Is there no place for discussion and compromise in your marriage? Also, why would you place value in gifts bought under duress?

 

Your view really needs to go to marriage counselling.

 

trust me pal, I put his needs as high as mine and now it's his turn to show me that he cares about my needs too.

[LolaMercedes]

I understand why you would want something special to happen on Valentine's Day... And I can appreciate why you would want him to show love and appreciation. But try to keep "the day" in perspective. Do you honestly think that he's not going to put it together, what you are doing? This just isn't going to be a successful strategy for you.

 

Unless he does it with sincerity from a place of generosity, it's just going to cause resentment. Honestly, I would focus on the bigger issues - showing appreciation, love, and kindness to each other every day of the year...

 

i've been disappointed many times but I still hope that after 10 tears he learnt what is important to me, even if it's silly Valentines. I really hope that this time he will try to impress me. that's why I want to hint him somehow and give some ideas like those from the article.

[LolaMercedes]

My experience with the gents on Valentine's Day is that if you don't tell them what you want, you're not going to get it.

 

I would talk to him about it. Let him know what you want and how much it would mean to you (with no pressure or guilt). I know that we would love for our significant others to automatically know what we want. However, that is rarely the case, which is why we need to vocalize it.

 

I totally get what you're saying. If I don't find any other way then i'll take my chance.....

[LolaMercedes]

This self-image and perspective, and lack of consideration and respect for and acceptance of your husband, is not conducive to healing all that is wrong in your marriage;

and, almost certainly, your marriage counselor would not suggest or condone such manipulative behaviour.

 

If you two are not yet at the healed stage where you can have an open, honest and direct conversation, with each other, about your individual needs, then

bring this communications issue out into the open during your next session.

 

In the meantime, plan how you want your Valentine's Day to go -- and then just organize it and make it happen. In any event, there seems to be an expectation for your husband to just go along with whatever you want, so why also make him suffer the indignity and stress of planning, organizing and executing an event that you already know 'repulses' him?

 

If you want your marriage saved, then YOU do something about it. (And, if you don't, then be honest, directly with your husband, about that.)

 

 

I'll speak to my counsellor once again and maybe get him to tell him then i'll be where I want to be

 

 

I really don't expect miracles, simple thing, like running a bath would do. I just want him to make an effort for once...

[Ronni_W]

I really don't expect miracles, simple thing, like running a bath would do. I just want him to make an effort for once...

When I got to the stage of feeling like this about my now-ex husband, I divorced the dumb jerk's ass. (Resentment, anger, bitterness, frustration, impatience, etc.)

 

May I ask what's keeping you there?

[LolaMercedes]

Outside of this nonsensical holiday, does he show you love? Does he take you to dinner? Buy you gifts just because?

 

The thing with Valentine's day is it is practically forced upon people to do something that day. It's not like the idea was just yours, no it's expected for some people. Therefore doesn't make it genuine in my eyes. A bouquet of flowers on a random Tuesday means way more to my wife then a bouquet on Valentine's day. In her eyes it was the stupid holiday that made me buy those flowers for her, or made her buy the chocolates for me. It's not near the impact because it's just not as genuine or heartfelt. When you are expecting a gift, doesn't it make that gift less valuable?

 

I think you are placing too much importance on a nonsense holiday.

 

I'm personally going backpacking with my uncle next week, won't even be near my wife. I asked her if this was OK, she said "I don't need some holiday to know you love me, you show me every day"

 

To even hint at a Holiday not living up to your expectations would push you further away says more bad about you then it does about him in my eyes.

 

 

yeah I realise what some people think about it and I appreciate not everyone is the same. he doesn't take me out or anything. I only get flowers on birthday, but i'm ok with that. that's why I'd like him to do something for me on V day since I love that day and he knows, just needs to put his grumpy old fart attitude aside for once.