How can I forgive myself?

[sumboy96]

Hello,

I'm new to loveshack. I'm having trouble forgiving myself....

My fiancee is a wonderful man who has put up with my crap for a while now. I have been hurt so many times. Cheated on, My father was abusive and so on. When I was a child my father would take me to his mistresses house or to the hotel to meet them. He made me think that every man was like that. Then my high school sweetheart cheated on me alot during high school. I never left him because I thought that every man is like this. Then I met my fiancee , who is so wonderful. He has never given me a reason to not trust him. The problem is that its hard for me to trust anyone. I actually got done with counseling and I do not accuse him anymore and act stupid. He and I have talked deeply about this and he said that he loves and forgives me. He said that he sees potential in me and believes that I wont hurt him anymore by accusing him. Which I have not and I'm happy that we are in a better place. The only problem is that I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. It hurts me that I hurt his feelings by accusing him and not believing a word he'd say. I told him this and he said " Baby, I forgive you, so you should forgive yourself" How can I forgive myself for hurting the one person that has been there for me?

[Mr. Lucky]

How can I forgive myself for hurting the one person that has been there for me?

 

Well, the easy answer, which you seem to already have grasped, is to not continue the negative behaviors. Hopefully you appreciate the irony of choosing this man because he's not like the others - and then blaming him for what the others have done.

 

Glad you've gotten counseling, you might consider continuing until these related concepts no longer preoccupy you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

How can I forgive myself for hurting the one person that has been there for me?

sumboy96,

 

You have learned the lesson and done the healing work; so, you have 'redeemed' yourself on all levels.

 

The thing, perhaps, to come to terms with is that you are human, and, as such, we do still have flaws and failings and we do still make mistakes. We are not 'broken' or condemned because of this.

It is okay to forgive yourself.

[sumboy96]

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I have realized that it's not fair to make him suffer because of what the other men have done to me. I work on myself every day

[Ronni_W]

I have realized that it's not fair to make him suffer

Actually, how you are making yourself suffer is not fair -- and it's not helpful or noble or compassionate, either. .

Lack of self-forgiveness points to the deeper level of lack of self-acceptance and self-love. I commend that you are, daily, working on overcoming these things.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[sumboy96]

Thank you. I know we all make mistakes, It's just painful to see that I hurt someone who is actually good

[sumboy96]

I know, he hates that. He tells me that its okay and that I need to love myself and realize that we can get past it together. thank you so much for the kind words

[Just a Guy]

Hi SumBoy, your problem is not going to evaporate in a day. The thing is that it has been ingrained in you that all men are cheaters right from the time you were a little child. You will have to attend counselling sessions for a long time to identify and wipe out the negative attitude that you have developed from your subconscious mind. I would suggest that in addition to what ever counselling you are attending, that you get a copy of the book, Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. It should be available on Amazon. This book will help you regain your self esteem and make you a changed person almost like a new person.

 

I wish you the very best going forward. Take care of yourself and your Fiance'. Warm wishes.

[sumboy96]

Thank you so much Just a guy. I appreciate the advice. I am going to work on myself every day. I will sure look into the book.

[d0nnivain]

I suck at forgiving myself too.

 

 

My counselors routine advise me to treat myself with all the kindness, support & forgiveness I give to others.

 

 

If somebody else came to you & told you this story (your story), how would you treat them? treat yourself like that

 

 

But do work harder to be more trusting of your FI

[mightycpa]

You haven't forgiven yourself because you don't think you've earned the forgiveness. You don't think you're worthy of it, which makes me think that maybe your accusatory days aren't exactly over yet.

 

So while your behavior may have changed, maybe the truth is that you are still fighting your deep-seated inner beliefs, and you're just better at keeping your mouth shut and holding them in.

 

Do you feel shame? Shame can mean that you consider yourself a failure. If you were truly different, you'd feel grateful for the inner change and your shame would lift.

 

I don't know if I'm close, but every time I've had the problem where I keep beating myself up about something, it all comes from a fear I've not conquered the underlying problem.

[sumboy96]

Thank you. I appreciate it !

[sumboy96]

I feel like I'm over it. I'm beating myself up over it because seeing him cry and beg me to stop accusing him, saying that I've hurt his manhood... That makes me feel horrible.

[lolablue17]

The easiest way to forgive, is to change the present and the future. Once you start believing him, the past becomes unimportant, irrelevant and very easy to forgive.