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Old 24th April 2005, 12:10 PM   #1
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Once a month or less

My wife and I have sex once a month or less. I have tried talking to her about this and she always has a reason not to be interested. In the morning, she is too hungry, in the evening too tired, and in the afternoon, too busy. She claims it is not for lack of interest. She has had a problem with anxiety so has started taking antidepressants, and she is much happier, but no hornier. We have been married 6 years and it has ALWAYS been like this. At the beginning, her excuse was that she had lots of stress from graduate school, but it seems there is always something that she says kills her mood. I have tried romantic settings, but the only thing that ever seems to work is to get her drunk, which she doesn't like to do often. When I suggested counselling she suggested that something must be wrong with me that I'm sex-obsessed. I don't think wanting sex more than once a month is sex-obsessed.

Advice?
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Old 24th April 2005, 1:02 PM   #2
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Nothing compares to living like a monk in your own marriage (being selfish has nothing to do with it). Most women like sex when it's with the guy they love. In fact, they like it a lot.

She isn't going to change, not after six years. Worse of all, she doesn't want to. So she blames you for wanting what comes natural to most married couples (especially in the early years of marriage).

Do you have kids, too? If not, GET OUT.

Sorry for raising my voice.
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Old 24th April 2005, 5:38 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally posted by westernxer
Sorry for raising my voice.
You're cute!

I agree that if you don't have kids, you should think about divorce. On the other hand, if you do then what? Cheat with some woman who's not getting it from her husband? Maybe..
In any case, I am horny when I am hungry and busy too, especially when I am tired. See, she is never too tired or too busy to eat, because she has a desire to eat - she's hungry. But she is not horny. Has she always been like this? I bet not.
By the way, do you know that anti-depressants lower your libido?
If your wife likes to eat and gets horny when she's drunk, buy her lots of rum candies!
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Old 24th April 2005, 6:13 PM   #4
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Tell her that it's counselling or divorce.
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Old 25th April 2005, 2:36 AM   #5
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[color=darkblue]Counseling would be good, and if she doesn't want to go, then go on your own so you can get your feelings and stresses in this marriage worked out. She could be hormonally or chemically 'off'; perhaps she is feeling disconnected from you; perhaps you are not making enough "love deposits" (your needs are probably different than her needs, and perhaps you are not showing her love the way she NEEDS to be shown). Read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" - it's very insightful. I don't think this situation calls for divorce or even thoughts of divorce at this point. Sounds to me like you still love her and want your marriage to work out...[/color]
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Old 25th April 2005, 11:02 AM   #6
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I dont remember where I read it, but "Women need intimacy to want sex, Men need sex to want intimacy" I think this is what happen in my relationship. I had very little intimacy with my husband, and so I really didnt want to have sex. Whenever I did have any intimacy with him, my sex drive magically came back. In hindsight, I can see the problems. Just wish I could have seen it during the time.

I would suggest having a few intimate encounters with her where it doesnt lead to sex. Hold hands, kiss, hug, etc, just dont take it all the way to sex. She might be hesitant at first because she might assume that any intimate contact means you want sex from her. But if you can show her you can be intimate with her, w/o sex, I think she'll loose her anxiety when she's close to you, and she'll eventually come to you for sex.
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Old 25th April 2005, 11:12 AM   #7
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When you do have sex does she seem satisfied or is she just doing her duty? I would see this as a major marital problem and one that needs to be addressed. Does she have puritanistic values with sex? If she does not see it as dirty or just something a wife has to do to satisfy her husband then it's time for a sex counselor.
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Old 25th April 2005, 6:14 PM   #8
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Thanks for all the replies, so far. I appreciate the input.

To answer a few questions:
1. She has been like this as long as we've known each other.
2. We don't lack for intimacy -- we are constantly holding hands, cuddling up to one another, smooching, when we sleep, we are in nearly constant contact with one another (usually one or both of us has a limb flung over the other).
3. When we do have sex it's very good, though she has always been a bit inhibited (prefering lights off, whereas I prefer them on, she doesn't care for oral sex, though I love to give it...). But she almost always orgasms (or claims she does, at least) and we've never had problems with dryness.

And for what its worth, I haven't put on weight or lost (much!) hair since getting married. I'm still 5'10, 165 pounds and physically fit, so I don't think the sight of me grosses her out.
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Old 25th April 2005, 6:31 PM   #9
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Anti-depressants sometimes take make it worse sexually...depending on which ones it could actually make not want sex.
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Old 25th April 2005, 7:03 PM   #10
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Therapy, and advice if you go

Hey, I had this problem the night (literally, no joke) the night after my wedding.
It took me about a month to suggest counseling to my wife, at the advice of posters here. It was a really good idea. It isn't working fantastically well, because I have had to act as my own defense attorney every time (the therapist kept getting hung up on numbers--she'd keep saying "it doesn't mean she doesn't love you if she's not sexual" which wasn't the point, "sex every single day is unreasonable" no kidding, but when it went to once per week after my wedding night that's a little strange, etc. etc.)
Now I feel like the therapist has the background she needs on the problem, that it's a desire issue, and that to go from 60 to zero, so to speak, is not something that can be explained away in a pithy sentence or two. Be REALLY prepared to be able to over-explain things. Use metaphors. It really saved my bacon a dozen times so far. Example: the therapist agreed with my wife that sex cannot be the focus of a marriage (I hadn't claimed that it was). So I put it this way: imagine a house with four support pillars. Each pillar is doing 25% of the work, not all of it, but if you take it away or allow it to break down and crumble, the whole house falls. Then I plainly stated that sex is probably 20 to 25 percent of the marriage for me, right along with companionable love being about 20 to 25 percent as well.
Also, before you go, read these, please:
The Five Language of Love
Testosterone: The Hormone of Desire
And, crucially, be prepared to explain both during therapy, so that the therapist and your wife can hear your clearly stated problem rather than their own constant objections.
On the "therapy or divorce" ultimatum, it's odd... I thought I had made it clear that if this issue were not cleared up, I would seek a divorce (the wording I used was similar to "why would I stay in a marriage that isn't a marriage anymore, just a living arrangement?" When the therapist asked me if I'd considered divorce, I said yes, and my wife was _floored_. I really don't know if I could have gotten her into therapy if I'd used the D word, because she's obstinate and will refuse to do something if she feels "forced," and that would have made her feel forced. In your case, moderate the ultimatum however you can in order to get her into counseling with you.
Another thing while I think of it: the therapist gave us assignments. For example, my wife is supposed to get her Testosterone checked, but was not given a time limit, so it's already loooong forgotten. (I was told to find more time to spend to create more opportunities for sexuality, so I already did, by quitting a part time job on weekends.) If the therapist gives suggestions or "homework," make it clear the timeframe he or she has in mind.

Hope this helped, and apologies in advance if any of it is obvious
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Old 27th April 2005, 11:07 AM   #11
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Thanks for all the advice. It looks like I'm going to do my assigned reading and then try to set up some counselling. Who knows - maybe I need it as much as she does?
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Old 8th May 2005, 2:52 PM   #12
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Been there too

Zoidberg ,

This is the first time I post here.
I am feeling compelled to respond to you because your problem is very similar to mine. I too have been married for 6 years. We got married in a white wedding and she conceived on our honeymoon, 6 years ago , but then she had to stay in another city for a while. Unfortunately , 4 months after she miscarried due to a malfunction on her cervix.

Sex thereafter was simply geared towards refilling the void left by the baby, i dare say it was never enjoyable. Rueing from the loss of our baby obsessively she conceived the 2nd time round , and almost immediately after declared that we should not have to indulge anymore 'to protect the foetus'. The Gyno recommended that she gets stitched in order to aid the weak cervix.

For almost 6 months , we stayed off sex. Unfortunately again , she miscarried at the 5th month. This time round the effect was so traumatic on her. Again she started demanding ''sex for baby'', but I thought we needed to rest a bit before trying. Because she did not agree with with me she refused to take the pill, and had extensive menstrual cycle.
Sadly due to her obsessions we had many fights and gradually sex bacme more of a duty than a love thing. She conceived again in 2001 and as usual she declared no more sex until our son was born.

Since our son was born she has been too obsessed with him , that all else to a back role. For many nights she used all sorts of excuses to stay away from sex, but the also our fights because more and more.

Of late she has been so rude and as I write I cannot remember when we last had sex.
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Old 8th May 2005, 4:27 PM   #13
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Complaint Department

Face the possbility that she does not have the chemical make-up to have sex more than once a month. My libido is about twice a month. If she does choose to have sex with you more often, it's just because she feels its her duty and she feels sorry for you and/or doesn't want you to leave-in other words a pity-***k. There is nothing you or a counseler can do to change her libido. If you want to have sex more oftne, it will be in the form of pity-***ks. That sound good to you?

Why are you complaining in the first place? you say when you do have sex, it's great.

Your option are: divorce, have an affair/hire a hooker, or jerk off and quit bitching.

You aren't ENTITLED to sex from your wife. And if she does have sex with you when she doesn't want to, she is doing you favor by risking pregnancy, infections, and having to go on birth control to satisfy YOUR urge to screw.
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Old 8th May 2005, 8:10 PM   #14
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Re: Complaint Department

Quote:
Originally posted by amy1975
Why are you complaining in the first place? you say when you do have sex, it's great.
...
Your option are: divorce, have an affair/hire a hooker, or jerk off and quit bitching.
No need to attack the poor guy just because his wife is being cold where sex is concerned. He is obviously trying to understand, and figure a way to save the relationship short of any of the drastic options you have suggested.

I don't think he is complaining, just more asking for help with a serious problem.

And I do see his point. Sex ONCE a month (or twice for the matter) in the context of a marriage, would just suck, and is not nearly enough.

I also don't think it is as clear cut as you say, that if he and he wife get together more than once per month it would just be a "pity-f***". There is such as thing as people who love each other taking care of each other's needs because they want to. Making love can be quite enjoyable, whether one is excessively horny at the time or not, and is always a great way of getting closer to your mate, even if neither party is "in heat" at the moment. It should be an enjoyable part of any loving realtionship, certainly including a marriage.

To Z,

Have you asked your wife if she really enjoys sex with you, and if so, why she doesn't want to have it more often, even if she is not excessively horny at the moment? As I said above, it can be a lot of fun and is great for closeness, even if it is not something that feels "needed" at the moment. Have you mentioned that to your wife?
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Old 9th May 2005, 1:14 PM   #15
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Re: Complaint Department

The only problem that I have understanding this issue is that you say it has ALWAYS been like this and that it has been SIX years.

Why is this more of an issue now, six years after you married her, than it was when you were dating?

The fact that she has never been very interested in sex doesn't sound hopeful, but it could be there is an issue that has just never been addressed.

My situation wasn't as bad. We are busy, so it got down to about once or twice a month. That kind of sucked, but I was more worried about the trend. It's slowly getting better. I think I just need to help her relax more.




Quote:
Originally posted by amy1975

Your option are: divorce, have an affair/hire a hooker, or jerk off and quit bitching.

You aren't ENTITLED to sex from your wife. And if she does have sex with you when she doesn't want to, she is doing you favor....
This just sounds mean and callous. Cold. There are more reasons to want sex with your spouse than just scratching an itch. After sex, I usually feel more connected to my wife, more loved and more in love. Masturbation and hookers can't give me that connection.

If that is truly your attitude, try not to act too surprised when you find out about the affair.
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