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What are your thoughts on stay at home moms?


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Our son is 2 y.o. And I haven't worked in a year because I don't have anyone to watch him (literally no one) the daycares are very expensive in my area and we can't afford it. Besides i keep seeing horrible things happening to kids at day cares. But I'm going crazy staying home all day and doing the same things every day. Breakfast, clean, lunch, wash dishes, play with my son, clean some more, cook dinner etc. It's just the same thing everyday.

I don't ever go out and I don't have friends. The only adult i talk to is my sons dad when he gets home. But lately he's been working overtime. Gets home later than usual and most of the time just falls asleep.

I'm 24 year old and i feel like I'm missing out on a lot things. Don't get me wrong i love that i can spend so much time with my son but I really imagined myself having career and finishing college by this time( i stopped going to college because i got pregnant and couldn't afford it anymore)

I'm also becoming very insecure ?. Like i said he's working a lot lately, even working on weekends sometimes. So I'm starting to think he might be cheating on me. And it's killing me inside...

I just want to be able to work and make my own money and not depend on him so much. He pays for everything, the rent, bills, food i want to be able to contribute.

I used to work for my sister who's disabled. I'd still bring my son with me so I haven't been without my son for more than an hr since he was born.

I feel depressed most of the time... and I'm trying so hard not to be as depressed as i used to be.

He just sent me a text that he's boss is sending him somewhere that's 4 hrs away, so he'll be home really late ??? see I can't help but think he's cheating...

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Why haven't you spoke to him ?

You should talk to him and let him know how you feel since he's not a mind reader

 

Why don't you ask if you can come along that 4 hour ride?

 

I I got sent to a few locations that were 5 to 6 hours away I always took my ex-girlfriend with me

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I understand how it feels not being in a position to contribute financially.

 

Could you take your son to a toddler group, where other parents and children are? That gets you out of the house for a couple of hours.

 

Do you have access to the money he earns? Could you do something regular for yourself, like go to the gym. Some gyms have a crèche facility.

 

Or something as simple as going to the library and reading a book without your son.

 

Could you look at getting a part time job on the weekend when your other half is around to look after your little one?

 

Has your BF done activities with your son on his own, like taking him to the park or a soft play area?

 

I think you really need to try and get out and meet people or join a local SAHP group. Have a look online and see what's available in your area.

 

I personally don't like the idea of being a SAHM. I like my financial independence. I've seen way too many real life situations where men have used money as power and control in a relationship.

 

The period when I was with my children when they were younger was rather depressing in that respect. Don't get me wrong, I loved spending time with them and I wouldn't not want kids, but the lack of money drove me insane, so I empathise with how you feel.

 

Added to that is the lack of appreciation and understanding of how exhausting it can be with a toddler. I worked part time until my youngest was 10/1 1 years old.

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I don't have kids. When I was younger I feared having the same feelings you are experiencing if I was to have become a SAHM. The dependency alone would be daunting.

 

 

That said, the most fulfilled SAHMs I know have done things to relish their time with their children & do things to enrich their kids lives. Take a walk with your son every day. Go to the library with him once per week & do some kind of story time. Find free & low cost activities around you. Grab the throw away parents magazines that are often in grocery stores. Build a network or other SAHM so you have adult interaction.

 

 

Other fulfilled SAHM aren't solely SAHM. They found telecommuting jobs or started their own businesses -- some are coaches, some make & sell crafts, some design websites, others are typists / transcriptionists, some sell Avon / MaryKay or other things they can do from home. Give that chance.

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Start getting into play groups & checking out toddler play at different places...jumpy house places, trampoline places ext...

 

When your son gets into preschool & up, start volunteering for anything that you can...also church (or whatever religion based groups you may belong to) is a good place to meet other mom's. Good luck :)

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Start getting into play groups & checking out toddler play at different places...jumpy house places, trampoline places ext...

 

Part of it is also depends on your demeanor when at these places. If you nose is buried in your phone, obviously hard to connect. But if you're engaged with your child, other parents see this and the conversation flows from there.

 

Pretty easy to meet people if you're projecting the right vibe...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I was SAHM to 3 kids. I feel for you. I remember how isolating it was to be home with a child all day and have little adult interaction. For a while there, I lost the ability to use big words and felt like I wasn't even a real person anymore.

 

Do you go to church? If you are religious, going to church is a good way to make friends with similar values.

 

Do you volunteer? Your child is young, but he is portable. You can find a cause you believe in and volunteer some time a few hours a week or whenever you can. Other than getting you out of the house and making you feel good, you'd be setting a great example for your kid and maybe make a friend or two.

 

Have you considered looking for something you can do at home? Maybe get state licensed as a daycare? What about editing or proofreading?

 

If you're interested in getting a degree have you looked into online classes?

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I'm a housewife and I don't even have children. I completely understand your feelings of isolation and boredom. I've learned to fill my days with other activities so that I feel productive and I'm engaging my mind. I read voraciously, look up recipes, exercise, cook, clean and volunteer. Being active in the non profit community where I live is very rewarding. I also have a blog and I keep a journal.

 

I love the play group idea. You can meet other SAHMs and the interaction with other children will be good for your son. With respect to completing your education, is there any way that you can take your courses online? That will give you a sense of purpose and you'll feel proud of yourself when you're finished. You'll also have something to fall back on if your relationship doesn't work out.

 

I feel like the work of women who stay at home for any reason is devalued. Looking after children and/or a household is harder than people realize if the person who is home doesn't have staff. My husband works in a STEM field and his career is very demanding. I take care of everything that he doesn't have time to do. My husband needs a calm and pleasant environment to unwind in when he comes home and I provide that for him.

 

It helps immensely that my husband is very appreciative of my efforts. How often does your partner express gratitude for your contributions?

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I knew when I was pregnant I couldn't and wouldn't be a stay at home mom. I take my 10 month old with me to work, which I know that is something out of the norm...

 

 

I knew I would just go crazy being at home, with just cleaning, cooking, and watching the baby.

 

 

I don't know how you can fix it, but I know a lot of friends that went into a depression, then some got PPD after the next child.

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Part of it is also depends on your demeanor when at these places. If you nose is buried in your phone, obviously hard to connect. But if you're engaged with your child, other parents see this and the conversation flows from there.

 

Pretty easy to meet people if you're projecting the right vibe...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very true! Also not every group is the "right" one. It may take several tries, especially when you're young. My first volunteer meeting at the school, I was by far the youngest & the women wouldn't even give me eye contact but after awhile they all realized I didn't want their husbands ;-) & i made many lasting friendships with not just the women but as couples with my husband.

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CaliforniaGirl

I practically curled up and died the one year I was home (working with my special-needs son in therapies) with no income at all. I felt worthless.

 

After that I began picking up freelance work. Today I work from home (freelancing) part-time, go to school part-time, and with whatever's left, I take care of the house, the kids and then do "my" stuff (well, school is "mine" too, I should say), such as: I'm in my second year of learning the violin.

 

To me a paycheck was crucial. I realize that must mean I have some deep-seated horrific psychological lack that I ABSOLUTELY SHOULD address ZOMG before I blow the hell up, BUT you know what? It is what it is. ;) I NEED to be bringing in some sort of income. Just...need to. I have been since 1985. I can't stop now.

 

Can you freelance? Even to bring home a few dollars? Have you tried sites like Upwork?

 

That's obviously not the only issue here but you need to feel self-confident and for some of us, male and female alike, that involves working, at least part-time. Freelancing solves the childcare issue at the same time, as in: you don't need any. It gets hairy, because a small child needs you, but you'll miraculously find an hour in your day somewhere - even if broken up - to make a few dollars. Then as Baby gets older, you'll find more and more time as he becomes a bit more independent.

 

Just start there. Start with making yourself happier.

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Wow thanks guys! A lot of good ideas! It really does make you feel like you're worthless i am looking at the places that are free to go with my son. Unfortunately where we live is not that safe. There's a lot of heavy drug users and alcoholics. Almost everyday somebody is overdosed at the park near us. So I really don't get out of the house. I'm looking at the freelance jobs. Idk how come i never looked into it.

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You need to discuss moving to a better area at some point with your BF, because what happens when your son needs to start learning to ride a bike.

 

Perhaps you could take a bus ride to take him to a park in a nicer area.

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So I really don't get out of the house.

 

Unless you're posting this from Syria, that seems extreme. You may have to look harder or travel farther but being stuck at home just increases your isolation and disconnect.

 

Are you sure you're not overreacting?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Power through it until your son turns school age. It gets a little easier each year they get older. Find or start your own play group and find more ways to get out of the house to stimulate both you and your son (he's probably bored too).

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If you can get a job that covers day care then why not do it?

 

And working long hours could be him busting his button to bring home a good check. If the time with him is more important than the money then let him know that. It could be the tipping point to getting what you want from him.

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In order to make a life work, you have to tailor it to your needs and goals. You are not happy right now because this is not the life you are tailoring to your values. Being a SAHM is a worthy goal, but only if that is what you want. Obviously you feel conflicted and that is ok.

One of the great things about being a grandfather is knowing that I didn't make bad decisions raising my children with my lovely bride, but just decisions based on what we knew at the time. Follow your instincts. If you need more to sustain you, then you need more. No judgment.

G

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I was a stay at home mom for many years, and it's not for everyone.

 

I enjoyed it, and did a lot of volunteering at a not for profit group that offered free childcare to their volunteers while were doing so.

 

 

One of the great things is that volunteering gives you both experience and confidence. I ended up serving on the board of directors for the family centre i was volunteering at, as well as a couple of regional organizations. I was able to use that to build by current career and am in the process of starting my own business. The extra income is great for our family, and it's great to be able to contribute.

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How many women feel worthless being a sahm is really disheartening and sad.

 

Wanted to work, have a career, make some extra mula all are fine. But feeling that if you can't you are worthless... that's deeper and darker and something inside that needs fixing.

 

Where I live childcare at a licensed facility is 45-50$ - day. Part time is not an option as the logic is they have high demand and can fill those spots with full time. Therefore $500 a paycheck is what many people pay for child care.

 

Then, that doesn't include house cleaning services. And laundry services. And a cook. And someone to buy your groceries.

 

In a simple materiel look at it. SAHMs are worth a whole lot if that is what they want and can be. Or have to be. It is sad we live in a world where SAHMs have become so devalued even if it is in our own mind.

 

The think is those preschool years pass so fast. My youngest is off to school next fall. If working isn't feasible savour the time you have with your child. And as people have said "get out of the house"

 

I was a stay at home mom for 5 years. I did the whole casual work thing. I had a job in the entertainment industry that was sporadic but gave some pin money. I went back to work when an oppurtunity to make twice as much as I did before having kids came up and gave me plenty of time off as it is shift work. 7 days a week I am still a sahm!

 

Also, if your man is not supportive or helpful you need to adress that. It concerns me that you do not seem to have good communication with him.

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How many women feel worthless being a sahm is really disheartening and sad.

 

Wanted to work, have a career, make some extra mula all are fine. But feeling that if you can't you are worthless... that's deeper and darker and something inside that needs fixing.

 

Where I live childcare at a licensed facility is 45-50$ - day. Part time is not an option as the logic is they have high demand and can fill those spots with full time. Therefore $500 a paycheck is what many people pay for child care.

 

Then, that doesn't include house cleaning services. And laundry services. And a cook. And someone to buy your groceries.

 

In a simple materiel look at it. SAHMs are worth a whole lot if that is what they want and can be. Or have to be. It is sad we live in a world where SAHMs have become so devalued even if it is in our own mind.

 

The think is those preschool years pass so fast. My youngest is off to school next fall. If working isn't feasible savour the time you have with your child. And as people have said "get out of the house"

 

I was a stay at home mom for 5 years. I did the whole casual work thing. I had a job in the entertainment industry that was sporadic but gave some pin money. I went back to work when an oppurtunity to make twice as much as I did before having kids came up and gave me plenty of time off as it is shift work. 7 days a week I am still a sahm!

 

Also, if your man is not supportive or helpful you need to adress that. It concerns me that you do not seem to have good communication with him.

 

The bolded is the reason for my self esteem feeling so eroded after years of being a SAHM. I wish it was more accepted.

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Since being a SAHM is a disrespected role, women who stay at home need to find their own meaning and confidence in their decision to take care of their families. Support is great but we need to find acceptance within first.

 

I lost friends when I became a housewife but that just showed me that those women were not really good pals.

They cited feminism yet they were very quiet when I mentioned that feminists often only support women taking certain paths.

Edited by BettyDraper
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GunslingerRoland

I don't ever go out and I don't have friends.

 

If this is the situation your child would probably be better off in daycare to be honest.

 

So many enriching things you could be out doing with your child, making friends with other parents.

 

My wife was out basically every day with the kids when they were young. Zoo, science center, playgrounds (indoor and outdoor), friends houses...

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How many women feel worthless being a sahm is really disheartening and sad.

 

Wanted to work, have a career, make some extra mula all are fine. But feeling that if you can't you are worthless... that's deeper and darker and something inside that needs fixing.

 

Where I live childcare at a licensed facility is 45-50$ - day. Part time is not an option as the logic is they have high demand and can fill those spots with full time. Therefore $500 a paycheck is what many people pay for child care.

 

Then, that doesn't include house cleaning services. And laundry services. And a cook. And someone to buy your groceries.

 

In a simple materiel look at it. SAHMs are worth a whole lot if that is what they want and can be. Or have to be. It is sad we live in a world where SAHMs have become so devalued even if it is in our own mind.

 

The think is those preschool years pass so fast. My youngest is off to school next fall. If working isn't feasible savour the time you have with your child. And as people have said "get out of the house"

 

I was a stay at home mom for 5 years. I did the whole casual work thing. I had a job in the entertainment industry that was sporadic but gave some pin money. I went back to work when an oppurtunity to make twice as much as I did before having kids came up and gave me plenty of time off as it is shift work. 7 days a week I am still a sahm!

 

Also, if your man is not supportive or helpful you need to adress that. It concerns me that you do not seem to have good communication with him.

 

Personally, for me, it's not about how society percieves it, it's about how I feel and who I am as a person.

 

I could never be a stay at home mom. I admire them, it's a valid choice and I think that you can fill up your time with tons of really great and productive things.

 

However, I am the type of person who loves and needs to work. I love everything about my job, the structure, the pace, the excitement, intellectual stimulation, meetings and discussions with other professionals and everything else that comes with it.

 

I went back to work and to finishing my degree when my daughter was around 6 months and I truly feel like that was the best thing for us.

 

OP, you got some amazing suggestions on what you can do as a SAHM, however, I would highly suggest that if you really want to finish school and go to work, that you look into possible financial aid or schools that have daycare options. If you truly want it, there's always a way.

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I agree with Noelle.

 

I work, because I need to feel that I'm making a financial contribution to our household and I also don't want my DDs, to grow up thinking that women /mums are meant to stay at home.

 

In addition to that, I studied to postgraduate level and if I don't use my qualifications to work, then what was the point of all that hard work.

 

I need to interact with fellow adults and I just see/hear of far too many men becoming resentful of their wives who don't work. Not all men think that way of course.

 

Then comes so many situations where the wife was a SAHM and never got back into work when the kids went to school and college..... And low and behold he decides to up and leave you after 20 odd years.... You have no work skills and little confidence in the workplace.

 

It's fine to be home while the children are young/pre school, but after that I personally wouldn't be a SAHM. Maternity leave of a year was enough for me to know I couldn't be a SAHM.

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If this is the situation your child would probably be better off in daycare to be honest.

 

So many enriching things you could be out doing with your child, making friends with other parents.

 

My wife was out basically every day with the kids when they were young. Zoo, science center, playgrounds (indoor and outdoor), friends houses...

 

Well like i said the daycares around me are too expensive. and you might have missed the part where i said we live in a bad neighborhood where almost everyyone uses hard drugs. Also I'd love to go to the zoo and other things but the money is tight since i am not working. But i did find a park that's kid friendly. I haven't seen drunk people on people that look like they're on something by the park so i do take him there when the weather is nice but most of the time i just let him play in the yard everyday. But then again there's no adult interaction for me.

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