david1210 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Hey All- Been doing some reading and searching on here but didn't exactly find what I was looking for. My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and up until recently things were mostly fine. I say mostly since she really isn't all that affectionate with me, in fact we haven't been intimate in 5 months but thats not the longest stretch so I don't find it all that unusual. I have made advances and am usually told she is tired or "tomorrow" which of course never occurs. About a month ago I tried to initiate and was told "I am not in the mood at all". About two weeks ago she tried to initiate for once and I returned the same response mainly just out of anger "I'm not in the mood". That's the first time I've ever turned her down and I mainly did it just for spite (I can admit it) A while later I've been noticing that she's been gone for extended periods of time - going to get her car washed turned into 3 hours for example. When I ask her where she's been I get told "I don't have to tell you where I go". I didn't have a response to that at all and was frankly surprised. I always tell her and don't hide anything but it seems to me if you don't want to or feel as if I am her parole officer something else is amiss. I guess this whole message is a long winded way of saying I don't exactly know whats going on any longer and why someone would feel they don't have to tell their spouse where they go in an argumentative tone. My friends say I should play the same tactic with her and that she'll eventually soften her stance on that or the truth will come out eventually. Being 40 years old I don't thing playing games is the right approach but I welcome any input or comments on how to have a meaningful conversation about this topic. Is it wrong for me to have a general idea of what her plans are for the day? Thx Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 There are a lot of warning signs in your face. Lack of intimacy, she won't tell you her daily plans, taking 3 hours to get a car washed. Its all pointing to signs of her checking out of the relationship and a possible affair. No its not wrong for a husband to know what his wife is up to for the day, its wrong for her to bark at her husband for being curious about his wifes life. You need to point blank as her if she wants this marriage or not. Or, if she is seeing someone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 OK, here we go... Your wife is having an affair, you get that right. Question is what are you going to do about it. First of all this attitude about "she does not have to tell you what she is doing/going" is complete and total BS at so many levels. You are married for Christ's sake!!! Lack of intimacy, for long stretches, really bad sign. Was this your first relationship and marriage for you? Are you just starting to figure this out or have you just waited to post. Why would you ever let some of this ever go on? Are you one of those weak passive guys? What do you want to do, divorce or try to save the marriage? Not sure there is a lot to save but you can try and we will tell you how. Who makes most of them money in the family? You or her? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 There are a lot of warning signs in your face. Lack of intimacy, she won't tell you her daily plans, taking 3 hours to get a car washed. Its all pointing to signs of her checking out of the relationship and a possible affair. No its not wrong for a husband to know what his wife is up to for the day, its wrong for her to bark at her husband for being curious about his wifes life. You need to point blank as her if she wants this marriage or not. Or, if she is seeing someone else. Depending on what you want to do, don't ask her about the cheating yet. She will lie to you about it if she know you are getting wise. And then she will take her activity underground. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 So if you are ok with a lack of intimacy I guess that is your business. Just an FYI... That is not the way that it is supposed to be, even if lots of marriages end up that way, it is not cool. Question: Do you feel like she is having an affair? If she is, what is your attitude about it? Deal breaker or not. I will just give my usual advice. You are looking at a woman that is having an affair, 100% sure. Everyone will say oh no way you could know that man!!! Trust me she is sleeping around. Next, there is nothing positive in this situation in any way. You are being a weak man about the situation, you did not have the balls to call her on the carpet when she was gone for 3 hours to get her car washed and basically told you to kiss her A** if you did not like it. BTW, three hours is about enough time to get laid and get the car washed if you have not figured that out yet. So, either hire a PI or go into detective mode and make a decision about what you are going to do when you get proof of her cheating, and you will get proof of her cheating. If you want to quote and reply, maybe you could bold instead because quotes come out as italics. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Here is the time tested advice we give all men and women who come here with clear red flags. 1) Shut up with your spouse - smile, be nice, be unconcerned about their behavior. If you have raised suspicions previously by questioning them - say "sorry love, I dont know what got into me, I trust you and wont bring it up again":rolleyes: 2) Then start spying - computers, phones, car trackers voice recorders, private investigators, satellites, x-men mind readers, everything you get or afford. 3) If some evidence starts to come in - partial or even full evidence - still shut up. Continue to gather as much as you can for weeks. It will be beyond hard to continue that wonderful cheer and smile - but you do it till you have a pile of information. 4) if the evidence is rolling in - visit a lawyer have a plan 5) When you have a pile of evidence and a plan from the lawyer - then confront. You can decide whether to divorce at that point - or stay - because you hold the cards. 6) If nothing comes out - no evidence from your spying- you were wrong - then go get counseling for youself and then as a couple. But still say nothing about spying part - just work on the marriage itself. Edited January 30, 2017 by dichotomy 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 It's very suspicious that your wife can't tell you where she's going. We all know it doesn't take 3 hours to wash a car. Be on guard and start delving deeper into her patterns and whereabouts. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author david1210 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) So if you are ok with a lack of intimacy I guess that is your business. Just an FYI... That is not the way that it is supposed to be, even if lots of marriages end up that way, it is not cool. I agree but I accepted it for who she was prior to marrying her Question: Do you feel like she is having an affair? If she is, what is your attitude about it? Deal breaker or not. At this point I don't know - she's obviously up to something and doesn't feel she needs to explain her self. So if it hasn't happened yet, its likely a work in progress I will just give my usual advice. You are looking at a woman that is having an affair, 100% sure. Everyone will say oh no way you could know that man!!! Then why would she be concerned that I essentially moved myself into the other bedroom and said I needed some space to think. For someone who wouldn't care she seemed surprised and hurt by it. Trust me she is sleeping around. Next, there is nothing positive in this situation in any way. You are being a weak man about the situation, you did not have the balls to call her on the carpet when she was gone for 3 hours to get her car washed and basically told you to kiss her A** if you did not like it. This is true, I definitely was weak on it but prefer to have proof before confronting. Of course, having my two kids with me makes it challenging to try and confirm suspicions BTW, three hours is about enough time to get laid and get the car washed if you have not figured that out yet.lol - or a real detailed car So, either hire a PI or go into detective mode and make a decision about what you are going to do when you get proof of her cheating, and you will get proof of her cheating. If you want to quote and reply, maybe you could bold instead because quotes come out as italics. Edited January 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote formatting ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 At this point I don't know - she's obviously up to something and doesn't feel she needs to explain her self. So if it hasn't happened yet, its likely a work in progress I think it's also important to understand disconnection can occur without infidelity. Affair or not, there's a power struggle going on that needs to be addressed. It's curious to me how casually, in the third paragraph, you tossed in "we haven't been intimate in 5 months" after describing things as "mostly fine". And BTW, "that's not the longest stretch". As they say in the newspaper biz, at minimum you're guilty of burying the lead. What exactly are you fighting to save here? Certainly seems there are marital issues beyond long car washes... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 No, it's not wrong to expect that you will know what your spouse I'd doing everyday. You are not wrong in expecting transparency. I can't help but think that she wouldn't be so defensive and withholding her plans, if there was nothing to hide... The passive aggressive approach to communication is not going to work for you. It will only build more resentment and further the power struggle occurring in your relationship. You have big communication, trust, and intimacy problems in your marriage... It will be interesting to see if your wife decides she wants to work on this with you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author david1210 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Assuming no infidelity I'd like to save the marriage and increase intimacy and communicaiton. Since I've known her, intimacy has been low on her radar but the relationship has been very enjoyable that aside, I know she's been to the doctor and they prescribed some kind of anti anxiety/anti depressant but I've accepted the low level of intimacy. I can't justifiably be upset with her on that since its been that way since we met. The communication has gone downhill however as it seems like the need for her privacy has increased. Why that is, I don't know. I do know that she's concerned I moved into the other bedroom and so I don't think she has zero feelings for me but thats why I am here. Edited January 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Since I've known her, intimacy has been low on her radar but the relationship has been very enjoyable that aside, I know she's been to the doctor and they prescribed some kind of anti anxiety/anti depressant but I've accepted the low level of intimacy. I can't justifiably be upset with her on that since its been that way since we met. If you married someone who wouldn't/couldn't engage with you physically and emotionally, you're getting the bumpy ride you signed up for. Are there issues in her background that explain her unwillingness - apparently since Day 1 - to have sex with you? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 ok so the issues are... 1. Lack of intimacy 2. Lack of communication and openness about what she's doing day to day. So far, I see you being "okay" with how she is, and you've accepted it since the beginning..... so again, whats the issue? If you are finding these things unacceptable in your marriage, you need to draw your boundries and fix it now... or it will NEVER change, and you can just lay down and accept this for being what it is forever. Suggest marriage counseling, tell her that you find these things unacceptable, do the work. But in order for it to work, you BOTH have to. So, shes going to have to put in the time too. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Anxiety and depression can negatively affect sex drive, as will antidepressants. A change in behavior/suicidal thoughts are a negative side effect of some antidepressant medications, so you will want to monitor that. It won't explain the increased need for privacy or lack of intimacy... I would suspect that there is more going on with your relationship but it may be a contributing factor... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 You moving out of the master I, will be a concern even if she's checked out of the relationship. Simply because it's a change and she doesn't know what's going on in your head or what you might be planning. Whilst I agree playing games might not be the solution, I also have a personal belief that some people only see how inappropriate their behaviour is when they're on the receiving end. Putting the intimacy aside, as it's never been that frequent and obviously isn't a big issue for you, how are other aspects of your relationship? Do you do fun things together? Without the kids? Are you attentive to her needs/romantic? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author david1210 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 I don't like the games - I mainly did it just so I can get my head right since I was extremely mad with her comment. Moving into another room certainly isn't something I've done before. Other aspects are good - we have fun and enjoy each others company. We have two kids (one of which is special needs) so having time alone is a challenge in and of itself so it makes date nights extremely rare. Its difficult to find a babysitter who can or appears to be able to handle a special needs kiddo. So we usually depend on family for 1x1 date nights which are rare and usually turns into only a few hours. In the romantic department - I've tried off and on but its rather difficult to get away for something like that. I obiovulsy get gifts and give attention and don't hesitate to help anyway I can and recognize special dates with gifts and such. The more I play things in my head the more I lean towards her being stressed out, wanting girl time, and getting away from the kids/me vs. an affair but it doesn't justify her comment of not having to tell me where she is. Something just doesn't seem to add up. You moving out of the master I, will be a concern even if she's checked out of the relationship. Simply because it's a change and she doesn't know what's going on in your head or what you might be planning. Whilst I agree playing games might not be the solution, I also have a personal belief that some people only see how inappropriate their behaviour is when they're on the receiving end. Putting the intimacy aside, as it's never been that frequent and obviously isn't a big issue for you, how are other aspects of your relationship? Do you do fun things together? Without the kids? Are you attentive to her needs/romantic? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 About two weeks ago she tried to initiate for once and I returned the same response mainly just out of anger "I'm not in the mood". That's the first time I've ever turned her down and I mainly did it just for spite (I can admit it) You have been in a marriage where she held the sex card. SHE decided when you had sex, OR NOT. SHE doesn't see turning you down as rejection, she sees that as "normal". BUT you turned the tables here, you rejected her and I guess that sounded the deathknell for your marriage. You then compounded the hurt and upset by moving yourself into the spare room. She has checked out now. I don''t know if she is having an affair or not, but your marriage is I guess finished as far as she is concerned. She may be washing the car, she may be out shopping, she may be having coffee with her friends, or she may be entertaining another man, but it is no longer any of your business, she has made that clear. Women in general need to feel wanted and desired, they want to feel like the hottest woman on the planet to their SO. He plays the game, he boosts her ego, she boosts his, and they have sex. Both feel good. BY this passive aggressive display I guess you produced a huge rift in your marriage, one that you now may find impossible to repair without help. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Excellent point Elaine. By you rejecting her it was a change in the norm of your entire relationship. I must admit, if my husband ever declined when I initiated, I'd wonder what the hell was going on, because in over 20 years of knowing him, that's never happened, but he is used to me saying I'm tired or not in the mood. So yeah. I can see how she took your rejection. She might even think you did it because you're getting it elsewhere. Then moving into the spare room makes her wonder what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Dave, buddy, you are being a fool... I mean no disrespect to you man, but you are completely in denial. This lack of sex thing is not cool in any way. It needs to change, like now. It does not matter how long it has gone on. She is having an affair with out a doubt, she does not have a low sex drive, she has low sex drive with you. If you are ok with what is going on then let it be. Just understand that when she gets the courage and finds the right man, she will divorce you and leave you with your you know what in your hand. This is your choice, like I said hire a PI or become the detective. Or just let your wife continue to betray you. I am hoping that you will wake up... Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Blues, she had a low sex drive from the beginning. Are you suggesting she was cheating on him before they even got married? Not everyone has a high or even average desire for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Sandy no, I am saying that you do not except that in a marriage, at all. Further I am saying that she is cheating. With my usual caveat of: if I am wrong I will completely apologize for my assumption. As you well know though, I have not had to apologize yet. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 If you can put a VAR in her car, do so. You will hear any conversation that goes on. One sided of course but you will learn something. Going through the phone is another matter, up to you but many people frown on this. What you can do instead is look at the phone records and see if there is a number she is calling or texting a lot. Then pay a small fee and trace the number. Sorry to say but it sounds so familiar to others where their SO was cheating on them, either an EA or PA. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Blues, she had a low sex drive from the beginning. Are you suggesting she was cheating on him before they even got married? Not everyone has a high or even average desire for sex. She could have been. Wouldn't be a first. The depression could be from the guilt. Just saying OP has no clue of what is going on. We can offer our thoughts on the matter to give OP something to think about and check into. Link to post Share on other sites
Bunnymblume Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 David, hope that you can get your marriage back on track. Everyone here is jumping to conclusions. As a woman, I can tell you that there is so much more to a marriage that physical intimacy, and the lack of such could just be an indication of a deeper problem in your relationship. If both of you are willing, it can be healed. Despite what current pop culture says...men and woman ARE NOT the same! God definitely designed us differently!! Based on your notes here, your wife probably is exhausted! Both emotionally and physically. If her needs are met, well (how do I say this delicately)....then she will be able to meet yours. Try talking to her, asking her how she feels about things and if there's anything that you can do to help. It took me a long time to realize that my husband COULDN'T read my mind. Tell her how you feel too...that you MISS the intimacy, and that you want to work to reconnect. Ask her flat out if she wants to reconnect too!! That is just for starters. There are so many little things you can do to rekindle your spark....but you have to make the effort with out expecting immediate gratification. Good Luck....give it your best effort and I think that you will be surprised! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Being passive aggressive is a weakness you need to fix. Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download Under the circumstances you should go online and check your phone bill. She routinely turns you down for sex and you do it once. So what Strength is attrative (inner strength) you don't have to be a muscleman. Weakness is not. Better figure this out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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