Wife's ex BF

[2017]

My wife and I have been married for ten years. We met eleven years ago, four months after she had broken up with her boyfriend of seven years. Apparently, he’d remained in contact with his ex-wife and although there was no allegation of physical contact between them, he had an ongoing emotional bond with her and was dumped when it was clear he would not sever ties.

We had a great first date and agreed to meet up again. I asked her to see me that weekend and she said that her sister and her family would be in town and that she couldn’t do anything until the following Monday. We went out as scheduled and things proceeded nicely for the next few months.

Three months later, we flew out to meet her sister and her family. While there, I used my future wife’s digital camera to take pictures of the family and my wife. Later, her sister and I reviewed them so she could pick the ones she wanted. While we were going through these pictures, she scrolled to the earliest shots and I could see pictures that were taken during the sister’s trip that I had missed out on a few months back. In one video, the cameraman’s voice was unfamiliar to me. Of course, her sister informed me that it was the ex-boyfriend, the guy who had been at least emotionally unfaithful to my future wife.

 

Naturally, I quizzed my wife about this and found out that she had invited him over that evening for dinner so that he could see her sister and brother-in-law one last time. They had been good friends before and they were not informed of the reason for the breakup so they were still on good terms. My wife said that her sister told her that it was a bad idea to invite the ex-BF because it would give him the wrong idea. Apparently, my wife had told the ex to come over a few weeks before we had our first (and at that time, only) date, so she felt like she had to follow through with the invitation. She did not seem defiant but also didn’t appear at all apologetic when we spoke. It was “just a friend at this point who came over one time to see her family he’d known for years.”

 

Although we had only had one date at that time, I admit that I was quite hurt that she had him come over instead of me (or nobody). It told me that he was not out of her life as I had been lead to believe. We had plans to see one another again and it made no sense to me that a ex who had hurt her would be invited over vs the new guy on the scene.

 

Over the next ten years, I found reminders of their relationship on a regular basis. The last year of their time together, she lived with him and had a driver’s license and bank account with his address on it. Just a few months ago, she finally removed her old, long expired license from her wallet with his address on it. Likewise, she got rid of the checkbook with his address that had sat in plain sight with the rest of our joint checkbooks. It was always painful for me to stumble upon them but I kept it to myself.

I’m not opposed to someone hanging onto mementoes as I have quite a few of my own from previous relationships. But I was always very careful not to leave them lying about out of respect for her. Honestly, she wouldn’t have cared either way but I digress.

 

Without my knowing, for a month or two during the early phase of our relationship, he would call her up and talk about generic stuff every once in a while. She talked with him several times but did not meet up with him nor did the conversations continue past the point where we became serious.

Our marriage has been largely good, with one beautiful child and plenty of happy times. However, we were recently in a rough patch and spent some time on recriminations. I mentioned that I regretted never having an apology from her about having the ex come over after we started to date. I was very disappointed to have her flat-out deny it. First, she said that he never came over after they broke up, even before she had met me. She tried to tell me that the pics and video were from the year before and a variety of other stuff.

 

I reminded her that she had admitted to me that it had happened. She replied that she could not remember it, and that if it did happen, it was because it was so uneventful that it didn’t even stand out in her memory.

For the next week or two, we fought about this stuff and I privately considered asking her sister about the issue. My wife told me that she was done talking about it and if we continued on this path, she’d leave me. She said that she didn’t want to argue about her past. My view was it was OUR past, not hers…

 

A short time later, we were talking about her relationship with this guy and I learned that he’d actually kinda dumped her, although he quickly backpedaled and tried to win her back. She is the type who doesn’t give second chances and so they remained cordial but there was no reconciliation. During this conversation, I asked her what the purpose of his visit was after we started dating. I was careful not to attack her for this; I just wanted to speak about it from the vantage point of someone who knew the bulk of the story already and needed some clarifications.

 

In effect, after lying to my face about his visit and threatening to leave me if I talked about it again, my wife admitted that she had indeed had the ex over for a family dinner. I have yet to ask her why she lied about it but I think a part of me no longer cares enough to spend the time. I honestly feel somewhat divested from the relationship at this point. While she did not cheat on me (only had one date at that time), the guy had screwed her over and she hadn’t even told her family why they broke up because she was too ashamed to reveal the truth to them—he hadn’t been emotionally faithful.

If I had just been given an apology for having had him over to see her sister vs me, it would have made things a lot better. The lying and threats, regardless of eventually owning up to it when I took a different tack with her really changed turned me off, though. I am also troubled that she had the DL and checking stuff sitting around for years. It was a nagging wound that made me feel like, in some way, it was not really just us. I didn’t tell her it bothered me until a few months before she got rid of them but they were expired and served no legal purpose at that time anyway so I felt that they should have gone by the wayside far earlier.

 

Finally, we were recently back in town and went to visit a girlfriend of hers. We happened to pass by the ex's house and I became a bit quiet. She accused me of reacting poorly to this, saying that I was letting it affect me too much. In reality, I didn't like it but I didn't say anything at all. I did not appreciate her making an issue out of something that was bothersome to me but that I kept to myself.

 

What would you guys/gals think of this? Overreacting or guilty of being a fool in love?

[Mr. Lucky]

You seem to have a vested interest in being the aggrieved party.

 

One date is just that - a first encounter. Attempts to characterize a relationship at that point are about as accurate as picking the Super Bowl champ based on preseason games. In my book, she didn't owe you anything, explanations included. I'd guess her evasiveness over the years is a response to your passive/aggressive approach to the issue.

 

Marriages have plenty of big problems. That the two of you would let something so minute and 10-years old get to this point indicates poor problem solving and communication skills. Marriage counseling would make a huge contribution to your relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2017]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I realize that the first date didn't guarantee me anything in terms of "propriety" with her but I do feel that her having the guy over, irrespective of my having asked to something with her at that time (I wanted to see a movie or something), was inconsistent with her story about him being totally out of her life. So we got off to less of an honest start than I had long romanticized that we actually had.

 

Another aspect of this is that when we started dating (probably after a month or so), she verified that I was not friends with any of my ex's (I wasn't). So when I recently learned that she had kept speaking to him for the first few months of our relationship, during which time she moved in with me, I felt the sting of having been treated to different standards than she would have tolerated.

 

When asked why she stopped accepting his calls, I have heard several reasons:

 

1. We were now engaged and it wasn't right to keep doing.

 

2. He returned a number of Christmas presents that her family gave him over the years. (He also showed her a picture of some woman that he was now dating.) She felt that this was tactless and a good reason to cease communications.

 

It's interesting to know that during the time that he was calling her, despite our sleeping and living together, she never told him about me. She said it was because she didn't want to have an issue with him but, ironically, it created an issue with me. Go figure.

[Simple Logic]

My wife and I have been married for ten years. We met eleven years ago, four months after she had broken up with her boyfriend of seven years. Apparently, he’d remained in contact with his ex-wife and although there was no allegation of physical contact between them, he had an ongoing emotional bond with her and was dumped when it was clear he would not sever ties.

We had a great first date and agreed to meet up again. I asked her to see me that weekend and she said that her sister and her family would be in town and that she couldn’t do anything until the following Monday. We went out as scheduled and things proceeded nicely for the next few months.

Three months later, we flew out to meet her sister and her family. While there, I used my future wife’s digital camera to take pictures of the family and my wife. Later, her sister and I reviewed them so she could pick the ones she wanted. While we were going through these pictures, she scrolled to the earliest shots and I could see pictures that were taken during the sister’s trip that I had missed out on a few months back. In one video, the cameraman’s voice was unfamiliar to me. Of course, her sister informed me that it was the ex-boyfriend, the guy who had been at least emotionally unfaithful to my future wife.

 

Naturally, I quizzed my wife about this and found out that she had invited him over that evening for dinner so that he could see her sister and brother-in-law one last time. They had been good friends before and they were not informed of the reason for the breakup so they were still on good terms. My wife said that her sister told her that it was a bad idea to invite the ex-BF because it would give him the wrong idea. Apparently, my wife had told the ex to come over a few weeks before we had our first (and at that time, only) date, so she felt like she had to follow through with the invitation. She did not seem defiant but also didn’t appear at all apologetic when we spoke. It was “just a friend at this point who came over one time to see her family he’d known for years.”

 

Although we had only had one date at that time, I admit that I was quite hurt that she had him come over instead of me (or nobody). It told me that he was not out of her life as I had been lead to believe. We had plans to see one another again and it made no sense to me that a ex who had hurt her would be invited over vs the new guy on the scene.

 

Over the next ten years, I found reminders of their relationship on a regular basis. The last year of their time together, she lived with him and had a driver’s license and bank account with his address on it. Just a few months ago, she finally removed her old, long expired license from her wallet with his address on it. Likewise, she got rid of the checkbook with his address that had sat in plain sight with the rest of our joint checkbooks. It was always painful for me to stumble upon them but I kept it to myself.

I’m not opposed to someone hanging onto mementoes as I have quite a few of my own from previous relationships. But I was always very careful not to leave them lying about out of respect for her. Honestly, she wouldn’t have cared either way but I digress.

 

Without my knowing, for a month or two during the early phase of our relationship, he would call her up and talk about generic stuff every once in a while. She talked with him several times but did not meet up with him nor did the conversations continue past the point where we became serious.

Our marriage has been largely good, with one beautiful child and plenty of happy times. However, we were recently in a rough patch and spent some time on recriminations. I mentioned that I regretted never having an apology from her about having the ex come over after we started to date. I was very disappointed to have her flat-out deny it. First, she said that he never came over after they broke up, even before she had met me. She tried to tell me that the pics and video were from the year before and a variety of other stuff.

 

I reminded her that she had admitted to me that it had happened. She replied that she could not remember it, and that if it did happen, it was because it was so uneventful that it didn’t even stand out in her memory.

For the next week or two, we fought about this stuff and I privately considered asking her sister about the issue. My wife told me that she was done talking about it and if we continued on this path, she’d leave me. She said that she didn’t want to argue about her past. My view was it was OUR past, not hers…

 

A short time later, we were talking about her relationship with this guy and I learned that he’d actually kinda dumped her, although he quickly backpedaled and tried to win her back. She is the type who doesn’t give second chances and so they remained cordial but there was no reconciliation. During this conversation, I asked her what the purpose of his visit was after we started dating. I was careful not to attack her for this; I just wanted to speak about it from the vantage point of someone who knew the bulk of the story already and needed some clarifications.

 

In effect, after lying to my face about his visit and threatening to leave me if I talked about it again, my wife admitted that she had indeed had the ex over for a family dinner. I have yet to ask her why she lied about it but I think a part of me no longer cares enough to spend the time. I honestly feel somewhat divested from the relationship at this point. While she did not cheat on me (only had one date at that time), the guy had screwed her over and she hadn’t even told her family why they broke up because she was too ashamed to reveal the truth to them—he hadn’t been emotionally faithful.

If I had just been given an apology for having had him over to see her sister vs me, it would have made things a lot better. The lying and threats, regardless of eventually owning up to it when I took a different tack with her really changed turned me off, though. I am also troubled that she had the DL and checking stuff sitting around for years. It was a nagging wound that made me feel like, in some way, it was not really just us. I didn’t tell her it bothered me until a few months before she got rid of them but they were expired and served no legal purpose at that time anyway so I felt that they should have gone by the wayside far earlier.

 

Finally, we were recently back in town and went to visit a girlfriend of hers. We happened to pass by the ex's house and I became a bit quiet. She accused me of reacting poorly to this, saying that I was letting it affect me too much. In reality, I didn't like it but I didn't say anything at all. I did not appreciate her making an issue out of something that was bothersome to me but that I kept to myself.

 

What would you guys/gals think of this? Overreacting or guilty of being a fool in love?

 

I agree with the fool part.

[Simple Logic]

My wife and I have been married for ten years. We met eleven years ago, four months after she had broken up with her boyfriend of seven years. Apparently, he’d remained in contact with his ex-wife and although there was no allegation of physical contact between them, he had an ongoing emotional bond with her and was dumped when it was clear he would not sever ties.

We had a great first date and agreed to meet up again. I asked her to see me that weekend and she said that her sister and her family would be in town and that she couldn’t do anything until the following Monday. We went out as scheduled and things proceeded nicely for the next few months.

Three months later, we flew out to meet her sister and her family. While there, I used my future wife’s digital camera to take pictures of the family and my wife. Later, her sister and I reviewed them so she could pick the ones she wanted. While we were going through these pictures, she scrolled to the earliest shots and I could see pictures that were taken during the sister’s trip that I had missed out on a few months back. In one video, the cameraman’s voice was unfamiliar to me. Of course, her sister informed me that it was the ex-boyfriend, the guy who had been at least emotionally unfaithful to my future wife.

 

Naturally, I quizzed my wife about this and found out that she had invited him over that evening for dinner so that he could see her sister and brother-in-law one last time. They had been good friends before and they were not informed of the reason for the breakup so they were still on good terms. My wife said that her sister told her that it was a bad idea to invite the ex-BF because it would give him the wrong idea. Apparently, my wife had told the ex to come over a few weeks before we had our first (and at that time, only) date, so she felt like she had to follow through with the invitation. She did not seem defiant but also didn’t appear at all apologetic when we spoke. It was “just a friend at this point who came over one time to see her family he’d known for years.”

 

Although we had only had one date at that time, I admit that I was quite hurt that she had him come over instead of me (or nobody). It told me that he was not out of her life as I had been lead to believe. We had plans to see one another again and it made no sense to me that a ex who had hurt her would be invited over vs the new guy on the scene.

 

Over the next ten years, I found reminders of their relationship on a regular basis. The last year of their time together, she lived with him and had a driver’s license and bank account with his address on it. Just a few months ago, she finally removed her old, long expired license from her wallet with his address on it. Likewise, she got rid of the checkbook with his address that had sat in plain sight with the rest of our joint checkbooks. It was always painful for me to stumble upon them but I kept it to myself.

I’m not opposed to someone hanging onto mementoes as I have quite a few of my own from previous relationships. But I was always very careful not to leave them lying about out of respect for her. Honestly, she wouldn’t have cared either way but I digress.

 

Without my knowing, for a month or two during the early phase of our relationship, he would call her up and talk about generic stuff every once in a while. She talked with him several times but did not meet up with him nor did the conversations continue past the point where we became serious.

Our marriage has been largely good, with one beautiful child and plenty of happy times. However, we were recently in a rough patch and spent some time on recriminations. I mentioned that I regretted never having an apology from her about having the ex come over after we started to date. I was very disappointed to have her flat-out deny it. First, she said that he never came over after they broke up, even before she had met me. She tried to tell me that the pics and video were from the year before and a variety of other stuff.

 

I reminded her that she had admitted to me that it had happened. She replied that she could not remember it, and that if it did happen, it was because it was so uneventful that it didn’t even stand out in her memory.

For the next week or two, we fought about this stuff and I privately considered asking her sister about the issue. My wife told me that she was done talking about it and if we continued on this path, she’d leave me. She said that she didn’t want to argue about her past. My view was it was OUR past, not hers…

 

A short time later, we were talking about her relationship with this guy and I learned that he’d actually kinda dumped her, although he quickly backpedaled and tried to win her back. She is the type who doesn’t give second chances and so they remained cordial but there was no reconciliation. During this conversation, I asked her what the purpose of his visit was after we started dating. I was careful not to attack her for this; I just wanted to speak about it from the vantage point of someone who knew the bulk of the story already and needed some clarifications.

 

In effect, after lying to my face about his visit and threatening to leave me if I talked about it again, my wife admitted that she had indeed had the ex over for a family dinner. I have yet to ask her why she lied about it but I think a part of me no longer cares enough to spend the time. I honestly feel somewhat divested from the relationship at this point. While she did not cheat on me (only had one date at that time), the guy had screwed her over and she hadn’t even told her family why they broke up because she was too ashamed to reveal the truth to them—he hadn’t been emotionally faithful.

If I had just been given an apology for having had him over to see her sister vs me, it would have made things a lot better. The lying and threats, regardless of eventually owning up to it when I took a different tack with her really changed turned me off, though. I am also troubled that she had the DL and checking stuff sitting around for years. It was a nagging wound that made me feel like, in some way, it was not really just us. I didn’t tell her it bothered me until a few months before she got rid of them but they were expired and served no legal purpose at that time anyway so I felt that they should have gone by the wayside far earlier.

 

Finally, we were recently back in town and went to visit a girlfriend of hers. We happened to pass by the ex's house and I became a bit quiet. She accused me of reacting poorly to this, saying that I was letting it affect me too much. In reality, I didn't like it but I didn't say anything at all. I did not appreciate her making an issue out of something that was bothersome to me but that I kept to myself.

 

What would you guys/gals think of this? Overreacting or guilty of being a fool in love?

 

I agree, you are a fool. Arguing over a 10 year old event shows your nuts too.

[2017]

Sorry, I am not arguing over it from the standpoint of "how could you have done this to me?"

 

I know why she did it. The fact that she was willing to lie about it and make threats is what was so disturbing.

 

Also, I think that leaving the reminders of her previous relationship around for me to regularly stumble was classless at best.

 

What I posted be a much smaller issue than some of the other posters' but it still annoying to me and I frankly didn't know where else to turn for advice. I certainly have nowhere to go with her and she'd flip if I spoke about it with her sister or anyone else who knew the situation.

Edited January 16, 2017 by 2017

[salparadise]

Am I understanding this correctly... you've been married ten years, but you're making an issue of this thing that happened when you had only gone out with her once? You're butthurt that she didn't cut him out the moment she saw you?

 

I think that sometimes old relationships take awhile to resolve, and new ones take more than one date to solidify. If she wasn't still dating the guy after you became exclusive, she didn't really do anything wrong. I don't attach much meaning to the fact that she had her old address on a license and checkbook.

 

So yea, based on the way I read it you seem obsessed with something that can't be changed, and that wasn't a such a big deal anyway. I'd say you need to figure out how to let it go before it undermines the marriage. if you can't make it happen with pure intention, go see a therapist.

[aileD]

What the real problem?

 

All this is fluff. It's 10 years ago. And if you've never said "hey let's throw this checkbook away because it's a reminder of your old relationship and it bothers me" then you have no right to be upset that she kept it around because you don't know the reason, you're assuming things.

 

Is this something you've dwelled on? Constantly picked at her about? Maybe that's why she's threatened to leave.

 

You said you recently had some problems in the marriage. What were they? Is she still in touch with he ex?

[Mr. Lucky]

It's interesting to know that during the time that he was calling her, despite our sleeping and living together, she never told him about me. She said it was because she didn't want to have an issue with him but, ironically, it created an issue with me. Go figure.

 

I don't disagree she handled it poorly.

 

But your projection onto objects like expired driver's licences and old checkbooks indicate a need to feel victimized. And that probably makes you a tough person to deal with emotionally.

 

With a username like 2017, are you really going to take your marriage to the mat over something this small from 1997?

 

You said you recently had some problems in the marriage. What were they?

 

Agreed. OP, everything you've posted so far makes me wonder what this is really about? Enlighten us...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burnt]

It was always painful for me to stumble upon them but I kept it to myself.

 

Why?

Over the past ten years, you have felt this sense of insecurity and lack of trust over these "small" things that your wife did, but you kept the pain all to yourself. What does that say about communication between you and your wife?

 

You are right, it's not HER past, it's the past shared by both you two. Before you address her lies, her insensitiveness, you two really need to sit with a counselor to address how you two communicate with each other.

[2017]

Again, I appreciate all you who have weighed in.

 

"You are mad about something that happened before you guys were a steady couple."

 

The ex coming over to see her family one last time is not the major issue. Rather, it was the fact that she lied to my face about something she knew damn well I was totally informed about. All I needed was an acknowledgement that it should not have happened. Remember, her sister told her at the time that it was a bad idea for her to do, so I am not the only one who felt negatively about it.

 

In general, the beginning of our relationship was great. The sex was almost perfect, we shared similar senses of humor and we loved the same music and movies. However, looking back, I realize that there was some element of rebounding on her part as she constantly brought up things from her prior relationship. I got to hear about how he didn't want to go to certain restaurants, how he was always on the Internet (lol), etc. I also was told some sexual stuff that I could have done without hearing.

 

Ever since, there were references about benign stuff about his family, etc. Again, she was not talking to them at all--it was all just stuff germane to a conversation we were having at the time about something else where one instance reminded her of him. It wasn't gratuitous but it did serve to keep me reminded over her once great love affair.

 

At any rate, I appreciate what you guys/gals have been saying. Perhaps I have used these minor transgressions as a surrogate for something else. The mind has a funny way of getting a person off track, I suppose.

[aileD]

Maybe you were a rebound. But you're married and together for 10 years so it obviously blossomed into something more.

 

It's hard to think that our spouses could actually have really truly loved someone before us but it's unrealistic to think they haven't. You have to let that go.

 

The fact that she has brought him up in conversation tells that she's comfortable enough with you to do that. Secure enough. But you're insecure, you're taking it as she's doing it on purpose to hurt you and I don't think that's the case at all.

 

I think there's something in your past personally with you that makes you an insecure person who doubts love. Maybe therapy for you will help?

[2017]

Prior relationships featured plenty of drama and several of my former GFs cheated on me. I am guilty of having chosen women who were more style than substance during those years.

 

My wife is one of the best looking women I have ever known and is smart and well educated to boot. But as anyone who has suffered from insecurity can attest, it's a battle that never seems to end and even minor stuff like I referenced earlier can set the wheels in motion. Perhaps she lied in order to avoid an argument. Who knows.

[Lonelywife2323]

I completely understand where you're coming from. The issue is not that it was over 10 years ago or that it was only after your first date, the main factor here is that you are insecure. And there is a reason for it. Since she is not talking about it, I often wonder if you sometimes obsess over it or make up details in your head about their relationship. You really don't know anything about it, and there's a strange reasons why she does not want to discuss it. So, you are left to fill in the blanks and I have a sensation that you go over this relationship they had quite often.

 

I think that if you had closure and had a better understanding, this would be a better situation. Some people on this site are very harsh. I don't think that you are a fool and you are not nuts. Like I said, it is an insecurity thing. Unless that gets fixed, you are going to have more trouble and this particular situation is going to eat you alive.

 

I went through the same thing with my current husband. He and I had a break up that was due to a third-party when we were dating. The third-party was his girlfriend from college. It was such a disgusting topic and subject to me, that when we did get back together, I really didn't have much closer. I started thinking about her every day, wondering what happened, where did they go on dates, etc. Just obsessing over it. It took me finally sitting down with him at the right time when the conversation just flowed into that subject that I was finally able to ask questions without him feeling attacked. I got lucky because it just went to that particular subject and the questions I had came out in a manner that were maybe more inquisitive then him feeling on the defensive. I got a lot of answers that I didn't even know were there. And they released any insecurity I had about the relationship.

 

Bottom line, what it boiled down to was not the relationship necessarily, it was not the betrayal, it was me just not knowing and needing that closure. It was my own insecurity. Once I had answers and understood his point of view, it was ok.

 

Your issue is though you are having a wife that is flat out telling you she doesn't want to talk about it. I didn't have that. So, you are likely not going to get the closure that you are looking for. You are going to have to figure out a way to heal yourself. Fix your own insecurity. She will not fix it for you.

[Lady2163]

Sometimes little white lies are actually good manners in disguise.

 

If I invited my ex to a family functions and three weeks later, I had a first date, I wouldn't tell him my ex was going to be at the family function. To be honest, I wouldn't say why I wasn't available at all that weekend. "I can't go out again until Monday.

 

I was brought up that it is rude to talk about dinners, parties, weddings, events when the other person is not invited.

 

You need counseling. You need to let this go. This was your FIRST date. She didn't know where your relationship was going to go. There's no way you should have had an invite and it's unreasonable to think she would ask him NOT to come over after only one date with you.

 

I despise having my behaviors and actions corrected or complained about long after the fact. I'm guessing this is a pattern with you.

 

You're looking for a reason to be upset. You're looking for a reason to be the victim. I agree with what has already been said. If the "momentos" bothered you, did they bother you enough to buy a shredder and get rid of ALL old check?

 

And I have my IDs for the last 33 years. I wouldn't throw the ones away with my married name on them if I met someone new.

[DKT3]

As is often the case, your point is missed. Your wife's actions are actually pretty shady. Lie, deny, claims to not remember, threatens to leave then remembered everything.

 

Here's the deal, your wife remained emotionally invested in this guy on some level for a long time. If she would lie about tiny things when it comes to him, you will never really know how long she maintained contact, or any thing else.

 

I'm really stuck of the drop it or I will leave you comment. How others fail to recongize that as a major red flag. It's gaslighting, and poeple who aren't hiding things don't gaslight thier spouse.

 

With that being said, why are you pain shopping? If your confidant she didn't cheat, why are you making this such a huge deal? What are you looking for?

[ShatteredLady]

I met my husband shortly after my 21st birthday. He was 22 (birthdays same month). We were in university placement years at the same company. The ground floor was a bar. He saw me across the room. Got the courage to ask me out but I'd had a few to drink & thought he was arranging a group thing. I turned-up to our first date with a friend!!

 

We didn't notice when she left! We basically started living together that week. The rest is history...

 

 

That's our 'story' & 26 years later we're sticking to it. It's got humor etc. Good to tell to acquaintances.

 

The TRUTH is... He had never done well with women, only had 1 dramatic OM type relationship that ended shortly before he met me. I'd always been very popular. I'd just finished with the bf I'd been with, off & on, since 15. Lots of his stuff was still in the flat we used to share. The flat my H moved into! My ex was still contacting me. It was messy.

 

You let it go!!

 

She obviously has or she wouldn't feel so comfortable sharing intimacies of their relationship with you. In one breath you say that she's guarded & in the next she shares TOO MUCH!!!

 

She obviously really liked you on the first date but she had been with him for 7 YEARS! Of course it was messy. They were trying to do the 'just friends' thing when you met & she had to tidy it up. What more is there to tell you? She's not going to be blunt & say, "After 7 years of course I still had 'some kind of feelings' but then I REALLY liked you, fell in love very fast...BUT then you found out about that weekend & wouldn't stop banging on about it in a passive aggressive way. I told you what happened but you just won't let it drop! Get over yourself!!".

 

....well, that's kind of what she did say!! I just can't figure out what you expect her to say. What do you think she's keeping from you?

 

I'm with the others who say that this is about something else. Is this a late '7 year itch'? Has someone else caught your attention...or...are you worried that she's starting to wander? Do you have children? Are you thinking about it? What's concerning you really?

 

You now have so much more history with her than she ever had with him. After 10 years of marriage erase 'that weekend' from your love story & get-on with your married life.

[Lovedawg]

Geeze, I hate it when I let someone use my phone to take pictures and they scroll back through and look at all me stuff. Warning !! There's probably some porno in there somewhere, lol.

 

It does appear that her ex is still in her life, due to his efforts not hers. You said that she isn't the type to give second chances and she also seem to be the type that honors her word.

 

I learned a long time ago that everybody is dating someone else, especially in a new relationship and it takes time for those to fade away.

It seems that she's committed to a relationship with you, so my advice is to concentrate on the relationship with her.

Worrying and digging for evidence of an ex, who is obviously just hanging on is only damaging to your future.

[Doorstopper]

Over the next ten years, I found reminders of their relationship on a regular basis. The last year of their time together, she lived with him and had a driver’s license and bank account with his address on it. Just a few months ago, she finally removed her old, long expired license from her wallet with his address on it. Likewise, she got rid of the checkbook with his address that had sat in plain sight with the rest of our joint checkbooks. It was always painful for me to stumble upon them but I kept it to myself.

I’m not opposed to someone hanging onto mementoes as I have quite a few of my own from previous relationships. But I was always very careful not to leave them lying about out of respect for her. Honestly, she wouldn’t have cared either way but I digress.

 

Without my knowing, for a month or two during the early phase of our relationship, he would call her up and talk about generic stuff every once in a while. She talked with him several times but did not meet up with him nor did the conversations continue past the point where we became serious.

Our marriage has been largely good, with one beautiful child and plenty of happy times. However, we were recently in a rough patch and spent some time on recriminations. I mentioned that I regretted never having an apology from her about having the ex come over after we started to date. I was very disappointed to have her flat-out deny it. First, she said that he never came over after they broke up, even before she had met me. She tried to tell me that the pics and video were from the year before and a variety of other stuff.

 

I reminded her that she had admitted to me that it had happened. She replied that she could not remember it, and that if it did happen, it was because it was so uneventful that it didn’t even stand out in her memory.

For the next week or two, we fought about this stuff and I privately considered asking her sister about the issue. My wife told me that she was done talking about it and if we continued on this path, she’d leave me. She said that she didn’t want to argue about her past. My view was it was OUR past, not hers…

 

A short time later, we were talking about her relationship with this guy and I learned that he’d actually kinda dumped her, although he quickly backpedaled and tried to win her back. She is the type who doesn’t give second chances and so they remained cordial but there was no reconciliation. During this conversation, I asked her what the purpose of his visit was after we started dating. I was careful not to attack her for this; I just wanted to speak about it from the vantage point of someone who knew the bulk of the story already and needed some clarifications.

 

So let me get this straight. You are arguing with your wife about something that happened after your first date, more than 10 years ago, which was totally innocent. You accused your wife of lying about it because she didn't initially even remember it, 10 years later. Your wife told you the truth when you initially found out, 10 years ago. You wanted some type of apology, when none was warranted. 10 years later this still bugs you? Grow Up.

 

You are upset that your wife maintained phone contact with her ex after you started dating but at a time when you were not "serious" ? Contact was then broken off after few months when you did become serious. It was a seven year relationship and you were not yet "serious". She talked to the guy. Do you not believe her?

 

You are accusing your wife of keeping documents with her EXs address as momento's, which upset you, although you never told your wife that they were upsetting. Others have pointed out how ridiculous this is.

 

Dude, Your wife is a saint to put up with this and your insecurities are going to drive your wife away, if you continue.

 

A couple of other people have mentioned this; You talk of recent marriage troubles, but provide no details. What is currently going on that is leading to the difficulties?

 

In all seriousness, If these are the troubles in your marriage, rejoice and be happy. Your attitude is harming you, your wife and your marriage.

[sandylee1]

Please move on from this issue. It was so long ago and it was after just one date.

 

Let it go.

[BluesPower]

I am usually on your side with this kind of thing in many ways.

 

But it was 10 years ago. She should not have lied, but you agreed to marry her. So that is on you.

 

Here is the deal, do you have insecurities now. Is she having a lot of Girls Nights Out? Is she traveling a lot for business?

 

In other words, do you think she is cheating on you now? That is what you need to worry about.

 

If you have no reason to suspect her of cheating now, you need to let this go and get help with the insecurity stuff. Some therapy may help you understand why you can't let the whole thing go.

 

But absent any other proof or questions of her fidelity in the marriage, you have to let this one go. It is foolish...