Married with a child have strong feelings for old friend

[Marie36]

I am married with a toddler and while I love my husband, I feel like I love someone else too!

He's someone I have known for more than 10 years and he's habdsome, charming and extremely flirtatious- with everyone!

We first met at work when I was engaged. He showed interest at first, but I was happy with my partner and although I did fancy him, I decided to stay away from him because I felt his attention was inappropriate.

Years passed, I got married and we both left the company and had no contact. I thought I'd never see him again, but then weirdly we both retrained in the same industry and ended up working together in a very small, very hot office. Just the two of us.

He was still really flirty, which always embarrassed me as I am a shy, but we got closer and would go out for the odd drink together.

I thought my marriage was happy but then I found out my husband had cheated on me. I was devastated but we decided to work on the relationship with the help of a counsellor. It was v painful for a v long time.

In the meantime my friend left the company. We kept in touch, still going for drinks from time to time, and I confided in him about my problems. We grew closer and he talked about his long term relationship. He's a bit of a scoundrel with women and he cheated on her a few times.

Sure enough one night when we were both v drunk he told me he fancied me and suggested we get a hotel. I instantly said 'no', that I didn't want to be some bimbo he cheated on his girlfriend with and I wanted to be his friend.

As much as I fancied him I didn't want to hurt his girlfriend the way someone had hurt me and wanted my marriage to work.

After that we met up for drinks now and then, but never brought that night up again. Whenever I'd see him it would make me crazy for days afterwards. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about our conversations or fantasising about him. It would affect my relationship as well because I would snap at my husband a lot.

He came back to work in the same office as me again shortly after I found out I was pregnant with my son. He seemed a little distant, although we would still go for the occasional walk at lunchtime.

He split up with his girlfriend and When I went on maternity leave he left again. I thought I'd never see him again, but I did see him at a couple of work outings he had been invited to- both times he didn't seem to talk to me a lot, although he was staring at me from across the table a lot.

Both times I felt the same craziness that I felt before afterwards, but with the added feeling of misery that I was unlikely to see him again.

In the meantime however my relationship with my husband has blossomed. We are happier than ever and adore our little boy.

We have literally just started trying for another child when I found out he might be coming back AGAIN!! My heart can't take this!

I'm worried if he does come back I'm going to feel the same craziness/love again. I'm even starting to think of stopping trying for a baby and fantasising about (if I'm defo not pregnant) just throwing him down on the office floor and getting rid of 10+ years of tension!

But then what if he comes back and is distant again? That will really upset me. But THEN why does he keep coming back?? It's nuts.

I know I could never have a romantic relationship with him - he's too wild and I need stability. He would not make a good step dad! And I love my husband, we have been really happy.

I know that he is a complete flirt, but I also know that he cares about me - I've had 10 years to figure that out.

I wish he didn't affect me so much! How should I behave?

[kgcolonel]

OP, You have already had an EA....you're headed for a PA if you don't turn around permanently and devout yourself to your family. For Christ's sake, don't have another child while your sitting on the fence!!! You are at high risk of destroying your husband and your child's life with your DECISION to turn your back on this POS guy. Just ask yourself, what kind of guy entertains the thought of bedding another man's or woman's spouse? Is that worth the risk you are taking?

 

Quit going for drinks with the POS, quit talking to him as you know that every word you waste on him is cheating on both your husband and child. YOU know that and if that is not enough for you to simply walk away then you should get some IC.

 

You also need to understand what this guy's true interest in you consists. YOU are merely a challenge to bed....that's all. You have basically invited him to keep trying in your continued EA until he gets what he wants. You stated that he is a cheater and a scoundrel with women....maybe he was there to listen to you vent but a dog could have done that.....what beyond that does he offer. Trust me, you are at a crossroads, make an adult motherly / wifely decision....if you chose to continue to "talk" to this guy, at least let your poor betrayed husband know so he can do the same and find a loyal wife.

[Marie36]

Kgcolonel

Thank you for your honest advice, it's definitely worth heeding. Your parting shot calling my husband poor and betrayed seems oddly harsh, as if you are ignoring the fact that he has full on cheated on me before - odd.

I take what you said on board though.

[kgcolonel]

Kgcolonel

Thank you for your honest advice, it's definitely worth heeding. Your parting shot calling my husband poor and betrayed seems oddly harsh, as if you are ignoring the fact that he has full on cheated on me before - odd.

I take what you said on board though.

 

I understand your perspective however two wrongs don't make a right. I have alwYs tried to treat others as I'd want to be treated. I wasn't necessarily pointing at you as you said, you're a betrayed spouse as well. I was trying to create the idea that he too is just as betrayed as you. Hope that explains the intent.

[sandylee1]

He's not poor and betrayed at all. I just hope your husband has been faithful since his affair.

 

Marie, don't sleep with this guy. He only wants to get inside you and then he'll be on to the next girl.

 

You know he's a cheater and you've already had that experience.

 

Don't do lunch or go for drinks with him and keep it professional.

[Jersey born raised]

Actually sandylee1, I disagree with you for once. He is poor and betrayed even at this point.

 

Marie, you have every right to divorce, you been a BS. You know what that is. You know how it is like a child dying, no one who has not experience this will truely know. Yet you dance with the devil and hope he will pick you?

 

Do you want your husband to know this grief? Do you want your husband to know this grief and wonder about paternity?

 

So either put this guy out or divorce. You will be proud of yourself and I for one would say well done.

[standtall]

Honor your end of the wedding vows....or divorce. End of story.

[Dolfin80]

How should you behave?

 

Either be loyal to your husband and child.....or divorce and have sex with whoever you want

[Marie36]

I know you're all right. I know the things going on my head should just remain there.

Being betrayed makes you crazy, it cuts out a piece of your heart and changes you. I never would have considered anything like this before.

I know I'd be a notch on a bed post to this guy, that's why I said no to him before. Part of me just wanted to know what it would be like to be bad. I've spent my whole life being good and I never feel like it gets me anywhere!

Other people lie and steal and cheat and abuse and seem to get away with it! It's a cruel world!

Yesterday my husband came home and told me while he'd been out he'd seen an old couple who were happily chattering away to each other like best friends and he wanted us to be like that. He said he was excited about our future together.

It made me think I didn't really want another man.

[kgcolonel]

I know you're all right. I know the things going on my head should just remain there.

Being betrayed makes you crazy, it cuts out a piece of your heart and changes you. I never would have considered anything like this before.

I know I'd be a notch on a bed post to this guy, that's why I said no to him before. Part of me just wanted to know what it would be like to be bad. I've spent my whole life being good and I never feel like it gets me anywhere!

Other people lie and steal and cheat and abuse and seem to get away with it! It's a cruel world!

Yesterday my husband came home and told me while he'd been out he'd seen an old couple who were happily chattering away to each other like best friends and he wanted us to be like that. He said he was excited about our future together.

It made me think I didn't really want another man.

 

 

Marie, I know I offended you earlier. It wasn't to hurt or to take a shot but to get you to step back and look at your actions independently from that of your H's. The part bolded above is a test of character, being cheated on absolutely does change a person...it can make a person stronger or cause a person to self justify revenge or duplicating the betrayal. I am so glad your H share his desire for you and a couple with you.....I believe that is what you needed to hear all along. Grace and Peace to you.

[sandylee1]

Jersey

 

Great to know you usually agree with me. ☺️

 

What I meant is that she hasn't cheated on her husband (yet), but the thought of her wanting to isn't good at all. Having those thoughts while you're married isn't right.

 

Marie, I'm glad you have thought about it. You don't want to be that woman. You're better than that.

 

Keep it all above board with the guy.

[Superchicken]

I have a bad feeling that one night, you will make the wrong decision.

You will make it so it sounds good enough to yourself, and you will do the "Wrong" thing.

Of course, after, you will regret it. But it will be too late.

Please prove me wrong.

 

 

But the way you keep talking about that moron (The other guy), and the fact you don't seem to take control of the situation, and keep letting it move forward slowly, tells me, your a ticking time bomb that "IS" set to go off.

 

 

Like a tornado, if you let it spin long enough with the right conditions, a gust of wind will turn into one.

 

 

Just remember to let us all know when you do loose the battle.

But hey, I would like you to prove me wrong.

 

 

Ted.

[ShatteredLady]

My husband had an affair with a coworker. I get it, I really do. Then he cheated with her AGAIN 12 years later, after we had kids, after everything was supposedly over forever & we were growing old together.

 

Believe me, part of me wants him to hurt. I've even posted the question here! Some have had revenge affairs...or affairs after. I'm sure they'll comment at some stage. I believe them!! I don't think it will make you feel any better.

 

I had the handsome, rock star, poet ex hitting on me hard & like you, it did go through my head. Why not? We do live in a world where people can rip hearts out & get away free & happy.

 

Do you love your husband? You say that you do but you still want to torture him! You're parents now. It will hurt EVEN more! Notice I didn't say "it will hurt HIM even more"!! You will let that guy have you. You will be crippled with guilt BECAUSE you are NOT one of 'those' bad people. You will come home to kiss your husband & hold your child & you WILL feel like scum!

 

Nothing can take it away. Just like you don't have that wonderful time machine to go back & erase your husband's affair. You will live the rest of your life knowing that YOU broke your moral code & you will hate your husband, the father of your child, for being complicit.

 

 

That's the conclusion I've come to anyway. I'm NOT going to have a revenge affair.

[Noideanow]

Maybe He is truly in love with you and would Be loyal and true to you? What do you have to lose, seems you dont love your husband anyway (falling in love fsntazising about another), and your husband doesnt Seem to truly love you (unfaithful)? Getting at divorce seems like the only thing right if you want to stay sober and sane (or return to it..), take a chance a leap of faith?

[understand50]

Marie36,

 

It is so easy, but only if you want it to be.

 

1) Tell and talk to your husband about your feeling for this guy. Confess it is lust, and you are telling him because you want to bury it now and full honesty is the best way. You love your husband, and you want to stay married, but could use some help and reassurance. Let him know you have done nothing and want to do nothing, and this is the way to make sure you do so. I think by talking to him, and letting him know, your feeling will stop. What are spouse for? As he went down this path, he should understand why you are telling him of this.

 

2) Tell your friend, you are happy married and talk about your kid and family whenever possible. If he gets inappropriate, give one chance and warring only and then report him to HR.

 

Follow these two steps above, and your feeling will stop, and your marriage will go on. Do not, and you will see what it is like to be on the other side, and may experience being a single mom. Your choice.

 

Myself, I am really open that I am married, even when I have thought about being single. I do not wear a wedding ring, but everyone knows real quick that I am married. Marriage is a state of mind, and as one of the most important things in my life, I watch over it, and guard it. I have fallen in "lust" a couple of times. I have met and worked with women, I would gladly gone to bed with, but I have always recognized what it was, a temporary attraction, that cannot compare to the commitment I made with my wife. Yeah, sex would be nice, but a whole world of hurt would follow. You need to keep this in mind.

 

Lastly, just because at one time your husband betrayed you, his family, and himself, does not give you leave to jump into bed with this guy. Two wrongs NEVER make a right, and you do not have the right, as he did not that the right to cheat. Think of your kid. Step back, no turn and run, from the edge.

 

I really wish you luck......

[Mr. Lucky]

but we got closer and would go out for the odd drink together... We kept in touch, still going for drinks from time to time, and I confided in him about my problems. We grew closer and he talked about his long term relationship...Sure enough one night when we were both v drunk he told me he fancied me and suggested we get a hotel....After that we met up for drinks now and then, but never brought that night up again. ...we would still go for the occasional walk at lunchtime.... I did see him at a couple of work outings he had been invited to

 

Between lunches, drinks, walks, long conversations and work outings, you've been effectively dating this man the entire time you've been married.

 

Don't you see this as an inappropriate way for a wife to act ?

 

Your husband's cheating justifies divorcing him if you choose. It doesn't justify you being equally unfaithful and inflicting that same pain on someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Marie, it's been some time since you or any one else posted on your thread. I happened across it and thought I should offer my two bits of advice/ opinion for what it might be worth to you.

 

Firstly, I sincerely do hope you are doing better than when you first posted with your dilemma. My own opinion is that although you are severely tempted, you know in your heart of hearts that what you are fantasizing about is completely against who and what you are. Yes there have been many people who have come here and said that either they, or in the case of BS's, their spouses were just not the kind of person who they thought would cheat. Yet those people did cheat. My point is that it is when you let your guard down (and thinking that you are a person who will never cheat is letting your guard down) is when inappropriate things happen. In your case you are well aware of what is going on and know your potential weakness for the OM. On previous occasions you have steered clear of possible situations where you might have succumbed to your OM's charms but only just. Being forewarned is being forearmed as they say. You know you are susceptible and hence have to take extra precautions to prevent something untoward happening.

 

If you read the account of Overtaxed on the Infidelity forum you will see that he is a person who is aware of his own weakness for good looking women and since he himself is quite handsome and attractive to women, he can easily bed as many women as he wants. However since he is married and does not want to hurt his wife in that way he consciously avoids situations where he can succumb to temptation. Sadly, his wife, who he thought was just not the kind of woman who would cheat, did so and now their marriage is hanging by a thread. It will be a good read for you to help you avoid the kind of circumstances that can lead you down the garden path.

 

My other point is have you considered IC to help you with your fixation on the OM? You could also try hypnotherapy to have the OM's influence on you, minimized. These are just suggestions and you should do what you think is best for you. However, whatever you do, don't cheat on your husband. Be the better person. Once you get the label of a cheater it sticks with you forever. Ask some of the good ladies and gents here who did cheat once and are still regretting it to this day. Of course there are some who do not but you do not have to follow their example. Warm Wishes.