Is it possible to improve our sex life with a wife like this?

[vallat]

I will try and keep this short and simple.

 

We have been married for 3 years (together for 4.5 in total). My wife is 26, I'm 30. We have 3 children who are 2, 16 months, 4 months, and she is pregnant. This is our last baby and I'm getting snipped before the new baby is born.

 

We have sex frequently, but it's bland. The same old thing all the time. "Just switch it up" doesn't help here. My wife is very self-conscious about herself and she won't say what she enjoys and is too embarrassed to try new things. I can encourage her until the cows come home but she still is too embarrassed and shy to try new things or say what she likes.

 

I have been with inexperienced women before but at least they were willing to learn. My wife wants a good sex life but she is too embarrassed to even try.

 

I'm not asking her to go full porn star, not at all. I just want the sex to be enjoyable rather than getting it over with as quickly as possible, which is what I'm now doing. She will never initiate. She won't vary from the 3 main positions we use. She won't say when something feels good, she doesn't make an indication if it feels good or not. She has never orgasmed from intercourse, oral or foreplay. She won't give suggestions for things to try. She has only been intimate with one other man. After we have sex she sometimes uses a vibrator to finish. When she gives oral I have tried to encourage her to use her hands (not just her mouth) and she tries but it's extremely awkward. It's like she just can't get the hang of it.

 

The lack of a good sex life has led me astray (over a business trip), though she doesn't know that. I have had more sexual partners than her and I know what good sex is. Not having it is becoming increasingly frustrating, and thinking about other women (and acting on it) is making me feel like ****.

[basil67]

>>We have 3 children who are 2, 16 months, 4 months, and she is pregnant..(snip) we have sex frequently<<

 

She's bland in bed because she's exhausted. She's all gived out. She's having sex because it's what she feels she owes as a wife, but she'd probably rather go to sleep.

 

And you didn't cheat because of your lack of sex life. You cheated because you're a cheater. If you do nothing else, take responsibility for your own actions.

[vallat]

This was an issue before she got pregnant. I understand that she has basically been pregnant for 3 years straight. I don't know what that's like because I'm a man and can't take that burden, but I know that could play a factor. This was an issue before getting pregnant and before exhaustion. I know she's tired and as she says "touched out". Half the time we have 3 kids in our bed at night, she never gets alone time. I have tried to get her to leave the kids with her parents or mine, even for an hour or two, but she won't do it.

 

I cheated on her, yes, and I know that is my mistake. I'm not blaming her for that. I do know that our lacking sex life DID play into it. Was it the only factor? No, but it was a factor.

[olivetree]

If it's always been a problem, why did you marry her?

[Popsicle]

and thinking about other women (and acting on it) is making me feel like ****.

 

Well, you'd better get over that because the situation is not going to change anytime soon.

[vallat]

Because I (stupidly) thought it would get better the more comfortable she got. I don't like to say it because it makes me feel like (and look like) the worlds biggest A-hole, but it's probably the worse sex I've had. I can think of one encounter that was worse, but it lasted a minute so in comparison it's probably not as bad. That shouldn't be how it is with my wife.

 

There is potential for it to be good, she just won't let it get there and I don't know how to help her get there.

[gettingstronger]

Your post sounds incredibly selfish and immature. Neither of those things are sexy. Maybe if you were more desirable out of the bedroom, she would find you more desirable in the bedroom. Step up your outside the bedroom foreplay and see what happens. If you don't want sex to seem like a chore, stop acting like one. It's possible pleasing you is a chore, in and out of the bedroom. Try pleasing her.

[Simple Logic]

I will try and keep this short and simple.

 

We have been married for 3 years (together for 4.5 in total). My wife is 26, I'm 30. We have 3 children who are 2, 16 months, 4 months, and she is pregnant. This is our last baby and I'm getting snipped before the new baby is born.

 

We have sex frequently, but it's bland. The same old thing all the time. "Just switch it up" doesn't help here. My wife is very self-conscious about herself and she won't say what she enjoys and is too embarrassed to try new things. I can encourage her until the cows come home but she still is too embarrassed and shy to try new things or say what she likes.

 

I have been with inexperienced women before but at least they were willing to learn. My wife wants a good sex life but she is too embarrassed to even try.

 

I'm not asking her to go full porn star, not at all. I just want the sex to be enjoyable rather than getting it over with as quickly as possible, which is what I'm now doing. She will never initiate. She won't vary from the 3 main positions we use. She won't say when something feels good, she doesn't make an indication if it feels good or not. She has never orgasmed from intercourse, oral or foreplay. She won't give suggestions for things to try. She has only been intimate with one other man. After we have sex she sometimes uses a vibrator to finish. When she gives oral I have tried to encourage her to use her hands (not just her mouth) and she tries but it's extremely awkward. It's like she just can't get the hang of it.

Tt

The lack of a good sex life has led me astray (over a business trip), though she doesn't know that. I have had more sexual partners than her and I know what good sex is. Not having it is becoming increasingly frustrating, and thinking about other women (and acting on it) is making me feel like ****.

 

Well she has told you one thing she likes. Start by the two of you using the vibrator together.

[aileD]

You knew what you were getting into when you got married. The only thing you can do is keep encouraging her.

 

Also foreplay for women includes things like doing the dishes, putting the kids to bed, giving a massage, etc.

 

I swear my husband knows if he folds the laundry he's getting jumped later.

 

Cut her some slack, you have a bunch of small kids and it's only going to get harder.

 

Don't cheat anymore. It never stays secret and you have a young family that will suffer if your indiscretions ruin your marriage.

 

Talk to your wife some more. Have a glass of wine or two (not while pregnant). Spend some time massaging her so she can relax

 

Your concerns are valid but a little too late to be complaining about them now after you already invested in marriage and a bunch of kids really quickly.

[BaileyB]

Agreed.

 

Your wife must be exhausted with three very little children and another on the way... But you are disappointed that she's not swinging from a pole in the bedroom. Let's be realistic with expectations here.

 

And while we are at it, let's call a spade a spade... You cheated because you wanted to cheat. You may be unhappy with your sex life at home, but you made the conscious decision to do something that would be very hurtful to your wife and the mother of your children... There is no excuse for your behavior. My heart hurts for your wife who is raising your children and trying to keep you happy in the bedroom... She doesn't deserve a lying cheat of a husband.

[basil67]

Vallat, does your wife WANT to have sex with you?

[Mr. Lucky]

We have 3 children who are 2, 16 months, 4 months, and she is pregnant.

 

Soon to be 4 children aged 3 and under. I'm surprised that:

 

1). You're getting any sex

2). You're oblivious enough to complain and

3). Selfish enough to cheat.

 

What is the child support payment for 4 kids in your state ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

If she hasn't had an orgasm from sex with you - you are the one who needs to learn more. Can YOU imagine how unexcited YOU would be to have sex if you NEVER had an orgasm with penetration from her? Well that is how SHE feels! Give that woman sex until she orgasms twice in one session! She will beg for more.

 

And she's tired! Do more to help her!!!

 

And stop cheating and being so selfish!

 

You think too much of yourself and not enough of your wife and kids!

 

Why any man such as this has any kids with his wife baffles me. Stop complaining about her and start helping make her life easier - 3 kids is non stop chaos and now you're having a fourth? Smh

 

Good god man, get a reality check and be supportive of your life partner instead of cheating on her!

[whichwayisup]

2, 16 months, 4 months, and she is pregnant. This is our last baby and I'm getting snipped before the new baby is born.

 

I can't believe you're focused on sex right now and she's pregnant again. When did you cheat on her? Please tell me you got tested for std's , wouldn't it be just awful if she caught something from you while she is pregnant with your baby. You are aware some std's can affect a pregnancy and health of a child right? Was it a one night stand or an affair?

 

You're not committed to your wife and marriage. You say you have frequent sex but it's more or less vanilla. Understand that she's always been this way yet you married her anyway.

 

You are responsible for your affair, don't blame the state of your sex life. You were getting sex, just not the exciting kind you wanted. YOU chose to go elsewhere. You could have watched some porn or just jerked off in the shower.

[vallat]

I work 9-4, but because of the commute to work I'm out of the house by 6:00AM and I don't get home until 8:00PM. The kids are still asleep when I leave in the morning and usually in bed by the time I get home. The amount of help I can give her on weekdays is minimal at best. On the weekends, yes I do help her as much as she will let me. She doesn't want to leave the kids, she never has spent time away from them. Some of the chores I try to help her with she doesn't want me to because I do them 'wrong'. ie) the groceries were put in the wrong place, the dishwasher was loaded wrong, the clothes were folded wrong, put in the wrong drawers, used the wrong laundry detergent, etc. She usually just wants me to look after the kids so she can do housework, which still doesn't give her a break.

 

I know that she is exhausted. I can barely handle a few hours, with my wife there! Trust me, I know. Until the kids are in school (age 4 here) she is staying home with them. None of our kids sleep through the night, they all still breastfeed day and night, our 2 year falls asleep alone now but my wife is the only one who can get our 1 year old and baby to sleep.

 

RE: using a vibrator together. She says she doesn't want to but I'm pretty sure she does want to. If I ask her she says no, but it's a very undecided no. If I just take control and do it, she doesn't stop me. She can get off if she does it by herself, but can't if I'm doing it for her. My wife is the hardest person I've been with to get off. It feels good for her but she has a lot of trouble getting to that point, alone or with me. By a lot of time I mean she doesn't start getting close from oral for probably close to an hour, with a (strong) vibrator she said it takes her 20-30 minutes. Even she gets frustrated.

 

I don't intend to cheat on her again (not that I intended to in the first place). It was a "one time" thing and yes I feel terrible about that. I haven't told my wife about it because all it will do it hurt her and make her feel worse about herself. It's not going to happen again, and unless I tell her there is no way she will find out. It was on a business trip in the US, I'm in Canada. I was there alone and haven't told anyone. I didn't give either woman my contact info or even my last name. If there was a chance she would find out I'd tell her, but there isn't. I've hurt her enough, and she doesn't even know it, I'm not going to hurt her more to clear my conscience. I missed our daughters birth because of that business trip. I didn't have a choice, I had to go, but my wife is going to see it as "instead of being their for our daughters birth I was screwing other women".

 

She was 9 months pregnant with our 3rd when I cheated. We didn't have sex for a couple months after our daughter was born and yes I was tested. That was 4 months ago.

 

Your wife must be exhausted with three very little children and another on the way... But you are disappointed that she's not swinging from a pole in the bedroom. Let's be realistic with expectations here.

 

Yes, let's be realistic. I clearly said that I don't expect her to act like a porn star. I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot here... Tell me what feels good so I can make the sex better for you. Tell me if something interests you without being embarrassed. Don't try and make it seem like I'm expecting her to put on a full show.

 

Am I really expected to just give up on sex totally until the kids are out of the house? That's unrealistic.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Wow... My mind is blown by the level of selfishness here.

 

Let me get this straight- your wife takes care of 4 kids M-f with no help whatsoever from you. She also does all the housework. She still manages to have sex with you "frequently" but you are unsatisfied because it's not exciting enough, so you cheated on her during a business trip while she was 9 months pregnant with your third kid.

 

Where did you find this woman who is so willing to let you walk all over her, and what is wrong with you for not seeing that there is something wrong with this picture?

 

You don't want to tell your wife about your affairs because she will "think" that while she was giving birth to your child, you were screwing another woman??

 

That's exactly what you were doing!

 

I don't think there is any advice we could give you if you can't recognize that the issues in your marriage besides your "need" for more variety in the bedroom, or your contributions to the dynamic.

[ShatteredLady]

How on earth is she going to come-up with new things to try? Really think about that! She doesn't have past experiences to go on & she doesn't have a moment to herself AND if she did I bet the last thing she would want to do is research others sex acts!!!

 

After you have sex with her she uses a vibrator to finish....why?

 

You don't know what she wants? How does she use the vibrator? That should give you at least a clue.

 

 

Growing-up my boyfriend had a best friend who bragged about how great he was in the sack. Then I met his long term girlfriend & we became friends. After a few drinks one night she asked about orgasms. She'd never had one!! She couldn't ask him to do things because she didn't know what 'things' were! She couldn't tell him what would make her orgasm because she didn't want to hurt him by saying, "I have no idea but it's definitely not anything that YOU do to me!".

 

Sound familiar?

 

Ok, part of it was her fault because she faked enjoyment & never told him that he didn't do it for her....but she's not the first or the last woman to do that!!

 

I doubt her story will help you because her solution was to dump him & find a gentle, kind, giving lover who played with her body & selflessly observed her to learn what she needed to truly enjoy making love.

 

A woman needs to feel romanced, loved, appreciated. She needs to RELAX & let her body talk. CONFIDENCE is essential for the love of sex. If a man makes a woman feel like a sexual goddess she more likely to act like one!!

 

Love & cherish her AND her body. Give more than you take. Don't criticize & make her feel lacking.

 

Do you/have you watched a lot of porn? That's NOT a good way to learn what women want or how they should act in bed!

 

Do you think that your sexual arrogance could be intimidating? Why are you making her feel like an incompetent lover because YOU can't get HER motor running?

Do you think that criticizing the woman who has given you all those kids in such a short time is the way to make her less inhibited? Her poor body has been to hell & back!!

She's embarrassed for a reason. Why doesn't your wife, the mother of your children feel comfortable enough to discuss sex with you?

 

I think you need to look much closer to find the answer to your 'problem'!

 

You committed adultery WHILE your wife was giving birth to your child?!?!? WoW! What a way to be there for her!!

[vallat]

I was not cheating while my wife was giving birth. I had to go on a business trip, there was no way around it. I left in August and was supposed to be there until September 12. My wife's labours have always been long (4-5 days) and her due date wasn't until the end of September. We agreed that if she went into labour while I was gone I'd take the next flight out. My wife went into labour while I was gone and in the middle of the night. She thought the process would take a while like the two previous but it didn't. She had our daughter before she could even get a hold of me. I woke up to a text with a picture. I was not screwing another woman instead of watching my daughter come into the world.

 

My wife believes in a traditional marriage. The woman stays until the kids are in school, does the housework, makes the meals. That is her own thought, I didn't pressure her into that. She was raised that way. She has had a hard time accepting that she can't raise the kids, keep an immaculate home and have a home cooked dinner ready when I get home. She's very submissive.

 

I don't expect to walk into a spotless show home with a dinner cooked from scratch and the kids all in bed. That's ridiculous. Our house looks like a tornado went through, and that's ok. She puts a lot more pressure on herself than I do.

 

She has never faked an orgasm with me (seeing as she's never had one). But, for example, if I'm going down on her she won't say or show ANY reaction to what feels good and what doesn't. I could be hurting her and she won't say anything. I can try every different thing in the book and no reaction. I know what I'm doing, it's not that I just suck on every level. She's too shy to say if it doesn't feel good, she's too embarrassed to say if it does.

 

She was raised Catholic, by parents that taught her that sex is for men to enjoy and a wife's job to do. To say she is conflicted is an understatement. She was told not to enjoy sex or it would make her a "bimbo".

 

I have never told her that she's bad in bed, the worst I've had, whatever. Regardless of where her weight is or how pregnant she is I've always told her that she's beautiful, and she is. I don't sit around criticizing her all day, I never do. Telling her the sex sucks isn't going to get us anywhere.

 

She uses a vibrator after sex sometimes because she cannot reach orgasm from anything else. Penetration doesn't do it, oral doesn't do it, fingers don't do it. Even with a vibrator it takes her a long time to get there, she gets frustrated even. She has tried to reach orgasm herself with only her hands and she said it took over an hour of continuous stimulation and the orgasm wasn't very strong.

 

I don't see how I'm walking all over her, I really don't. I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm being honest. I want to improve our marriage. I want her to be happy with our marriage, every aspect of it. I don't need crazy wild sex, I just want her to enjoy it as well. And no, I do not watch a lot of porn. I'm also well aware that crap isn't real.

[dichotomy]

You are married with several young kids - AND you have sex frequently AND it includes more than one position AND it she gives you oral AND she is cool with using sex toy in front of you?

 

and you cheat on her?

 

Would you mind meeting me and few other married men - behind your local pub for "a chat" to help you with your complaints?

 

Or better yet - can we meet your wife inside the pub for a pint? She sounds like a good wife and mom

 

 

Grass is greener I guess.

[elaine567]

How do you go from having the "worst sex in the world", to deciding to have 4 kids with her in 4.5 years...??

Whatever her religion may say about it, time for contraception or are you planning on walking out leaving her with 8, 10, 12 kids...

[S2B]

Your problem isn't your wife - it is you.

 

Examine that perspective more thoroughly and you will see what your problem is.

 

Whether or not YOU plan to change yourself is up to you!

 

 

Look, you are leaving your wife from 6am to 8 pm and she has almost 4 kids to care for all day long! Then she still GIVES you sex often and YOU ARENT HAPPY? You, my dear, are completely out of line wanting more from a woman who is probably resentful that you aren't really a part of their lives! That's like expecting your wife to be your depository and baby maker!

 

She certainly must feel like an empty vessel with no connection to you - yet you want more than the standard vanilla sex.

 

 

Poor baby - I don't feel sorry for you. If you want some strange then divorce your poor wife that you use for sex and baby making - she deserves better than what you selfishly offer.

 

Grow up! Be a real part of their lives! Be a Dad who is preswnt and supportive! Be a husband who offers to participate in their daily lives by helping!

 

If needed - get a job so you can BE with that family you wanted.

[VeveCakes]

Did you get the HIV test, because you specifically have to ask for that one, and also, you should get retested after 3, 6, and 9 months. So time to go get tested again.

 

FYI your lack of satisfying sex life isn't why you cheated. You cheated because you wanted to get laid and didn't care enough about the family back home to just rub one out.

 

I highly doubt the sex situation will change if she isn't willing to open up. Better decide if you can live with it or not. You should have thought about all this before having 4 children.

[pteromom]

OK - let's break this down.

 

She gets embarrassed and has emotional conflict over whether it is ok for her to enjoy sex. She was brought up to believe that women shouldn't enjoy sex or she is a ho.

 

Well...duh. Of COURSE she takes a long time to get off. That is a LOT of mental hurdles to jump, and she has to be ridiculously turned on in order to ignore her training.

 

So. First off - how are things outside the bedroom? I am not talking "she's a good wife and mom". I am talking... is there romance? Do you do a good job making her feel CHERISHED? Not just loved but like she is the most special beautiful person you have ever known? Like she is safe when folded inside your arms?

 

I know you said you aren't talking about porn sex or anything, but you have to think of her as a teenage girl who is just learning about how sex and love fit together - because that is where she is emotionally. You have to think like a teenage boy - take her on a date. Hold her hand. Kiss her. Make out with her without it leading elsewhere. Slowly start touching her without it leading elsewhere. Laugh with her.

 

When you get to the point where she is really really WANTING you to touch her, take orgasm off the table as the goal. The goal is CONNECTION. Don't sit there giving her oral for AN HOUR. That's just frustrating and creates pressure to get it over with. Just make it about feeling good. And don't just change it up like this without her knowledge. Tell her that you want to try a whole different approach to building a different kind of sex life in your marriage and have her be in on it with you.

 

Another thing is any time she is feeling frustrated or tired, she has to be able to say STOP at any time. You gotta let her know this too. You want her to have positive associations with sex - not think of it as a long drawn out pain in the wherever. If you see her getting tired or frustrated, you STOP. Instead of trying to force her to O, just stop and hold her instead. Talk about a show you watch or what you wanna do for your next vacation. Talk about things that relax her and make her feel connected to you. Do not do or say ANYTHING that would lead her to believe you are disappointed or sexually frustrated - you can finish yourself later.

 

Once she starts feeling more relaxed and connected during sex, I think you'll see things start to change. She'll begin to communicate a little more (which you should encourage enthusiastically.)

 

I think you can turn it around. But you have to try to get into her head and understand things from her point of view.

 

And let go of your anger toward her. How she was raised is NOT HER FAULT, and it's also not her fault she has trouble getting to O or that she is tired mothering all your kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't see how I'm walking all over her, I really don't. I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm being honest. I want to improve our marriage. I want her to be happy with our marriage, every aspect of it. I don't need crazy wild sex, I just want her to enjoy it as well.

 

Did she somehow misrepresent herself during dating and engagement, pretending to be uninhibited and enthusiastic? Your sense of entitlement might lead one to assume you feel some bait-and-switch occurred...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

...with a wife like this....

 

How about looking at the husband you've become?

 

You could give her an orgasm if you researched how to be effective. Are you completely aware of ALL the intricate working of every bit of her lady parts?

 

You should be capable of reaching her g spot - no excuse for not doing that.