beautifullyflawed35 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) Hello everyone.. just needing some advice about ending my marriage. Well, I have been with my husband for about 3 years but I have known him 6 years. For the past two Years my marriage has been on the rocks, we did separate and we got back together last year. I thought that everything would have been different because I actually felt like the time away helped us. We had been arguing everyday about small things and not getting along at all so the time a part kind of made me appreciate my marriage more and also made me change my ways for the good. For about a year my husband has been hanging out with guys who are negative and they drink a lot, these guys are just really bad guys. My husband would tell me I'm not going to let them influence me to do things that they are doing, I'm strong and I have the ability to do the right things even if they are doing things that shouldn't be doing. So I didn't say anything more about it because I didn't want him to be thinking that I was trying to control who he becomes friends with, so about 2 weeks ago my husband comes home late from work drunk and talking crazy calling me names and telling me his guy friend (the negative one) told him I was at a hotel with a women cheating on him. I was really hurt, I told him at the time we were arguing that I would never do something like that and that I honor my vows and my marriage to him. Instead of him believing me he believes what his friend had told him and from that point on he cussed me out, he spit in my face he told me he wish I was dead. He almost got physical with me I had to call the police and file a report. I was so scared and upset that I really didn't know what to do, all I know is since I've been with my husband I've been faithful. All I do is go to college each and every day to try to make a good life for me, him and our family as well I work. I don't entertain anything when it comes to another man and that's why it hurt me so much that he betrayed me like that. That day was the worst night of my life I couldn't understand why his friend would say things like that to him, a person I don't know. Then I said to myself maybe he communicates with this guy and talks about me to him because I don't know this guy who he is friends with and I have never did nothing wrong to him.... I did tell him I think the best thing for us to do at this point is to separate because I don't think I will be able to forget what he did to me that night, he humiliated me. He did things to me that I will never forget....... I feel bad because I made a promise to God and I didn't want to break my vow but how can I stay in a marriage with a man who hurt me like that, betrayed me and turned his back on me? Then I wonder to myself, God has to know that this is not right for me and then I'll pray that I'm making the right choice and then even though I make this choice that I don't feel bad for making this choice for leaving my marriage I still can't believe he spit in my face and told me he hopes I die. Someone please let me know what you think Edited January 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) Since you're in college, I would guess you know two things: - punctuation, grammar and paragraphs are your friends - No one treats someone they love like that Plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky Edited January 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
foxgener Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) What he did wasn't ideal but I am confused as how you can jump into divorce by one single action? Shouldn't you try counseling or other things before you end a marriage? It took one spit for you to call it off. Strange. Edited January 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 You are doing the right thing, there is no coming back from that Yes, you could walk on eggshells for the next 10-20 years, keep reporting the incidents to the police and put up with the disrespect and the misery. You will have kids and then you will put up with the abuse for their sake and it will all be one big mess... He has shown you who he really is, take notice and walk away, keep on walking and don't ever look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I'm so sorry. That's an awful experience. It must of been devastating & very frightening. You're doing the right thing. No-one should EVER treat you like that. The fact it was the man who vowed to love & cherish you makes it even worse! You're in school, planning for a better future. Best wishes with your new life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
girljoe Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I am so sorry you've had this experience and I applaud you for wanting to honor your vows. When we take those vows we never imagine that we could face horrible experiences with the person we love so dearly. Unfortunately every marriage experiences difficult and sometimes horrific events. Coming back from those things is possible and can even help strengthen your relationship. Having said that, I think it sounds like you could use some additional help. Maybe a counselor who shares your values about the sanctity of marriage could help you. Even if your husband does not want to attend counseling with you, counselors are usually really good about providing proactive strategies you can use to work through these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 If you come back to this thread and respond to any of the advice given or tell any more of the story, please use punctuation and paragraphs. Otherwise some of the information can be missed or taken out of context. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Now then, to address your situation. I have a very simple equation for determining whether to try to work things out vs divorce and move on with your own life. If two decent people want to remain married and are sincere in wanting to be compassionate towards each other and treat each other decently but are having trouble arriving at an agreement or are having trouble understanding each other - that is worth staying and working on the issues. But on the other hand, if someone is showing serious character flaws or is mistreating and maligning the other or if there is any kind of abuse, adultery etc etc - the best long term solution is to cut your losses and pack your stuff and take yourself out of that environment. Hanging out drinking with a bunch of undesirables and coming home spitting in your face and assaulting your character and behaving aggressively and cruelly is absolutely just reasons for getting out. If my daughter were subjected to this by a partner, after I got done kicking his @$$, my expectation would be for her to getting away from him as soon as possible and for good. If she were to stay with him or go back to him, my issue would be with her. There is no reason for anyone to accept mistreatment and cruelty in today's world. Maybe our great grandmothers living out on the prairie needed to suck it up and accept this kind of treatment in order to survive and see their children reach adulthood. But no human in today's world has to accept this kind of treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 What he did wasn't ideal but I am confused as how you can jump into divorce by one single action? Shouldn't you try counseling or other things before you end a marriage? It took one spit for you to call it off. Strange. It's this kind of mentality that leads to creating the culture of abuse. "oh honey, it's ok. he only blackened one of your eyes. you can still see fine out the other one." "He was just drunk and you pushed the wrong buttons. He's sorry and said he won't do it again. " "Yes, she has screwed half the guys on the evening shift, but loves her family and takes good care of the kids and maybe if you try harder getting her to orgasm, she will stop picking up other guys." All of these types of statements send powerful messages that abusive, cruel and exploitive behaviors are to be tolerated and diminished. ONE episode of coming home drunk and in a rage from the bar and assaulting someone's character and spitting in their face is a shining example of their character. Spitting in someone's face is assault and a crime punishable by arrest and penalty of law. It is an example of character and mentality. It is not a one-time incident that one can just pooh-pooh off as having a bad day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Punctuation and paragraphs are definitely your friend - please use them! And, this is not a nice guy. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, especially not from someone you love. Link to post Share on other sites
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