Have i fallen into the same trap.

[LukeRBetts]

Hi guys,

 

Went through my divorce with some of you guys and it helped alot.

 

Since then i had dated several women, met 1 that i fell in love with. We have done alot of camping and trips away together, got on great....life was good. I had been seeing her for nearly 12 months and she asked me to move in. So i did...been there for a little over 2 months now.....the sex has dried up a bit..maybe once a week (shes 43 and im pretty sure shes going into menopause part of life). Which im dealing with.

But latley shes shut off, distant and intamacy is very little...no cuddles or random kisses etc. Im worred that ive been sucked in and im just there for when she feels lonely and to help pay the bills, but im not sure if this is part of menopause either. I love her and dont really want to give up on her, but im missing the intamacy.....anyone else been in a similar situation.?

[mikeylo]

You already know the answer. She sucked you in.

[Lady Hamilton]

So after 2 months of not getting the amount of sex and cuddles you want, you're questioning if the whole of the relationship was a setup to use you for companionship and money?

 

Wouldn't the more realistic, less self-centered conclusion be that she's going through menopause and/or the dynamic of your relationship is shifting to expressing intimacy through daily communication and contact?

 

Seriously, to question an entire year relationship and the motivation of a woman you theoretically have feelings for because in a 6-8 week span you're not getting physical intimacy to the degree you want is a bit extreme.

[Lady2163]

Assuming she's healthy and there's no family history, 43 is a touch early for menopause.

 

You're not married to her, you're not financially entangled to her. Talk to her. Definitely don't do it while you're in bed, though.

 

Don't let the discontent fester. And be prepared that she may be discontent as well. A friend of mine had lived alone for several years and once she moved in with her S.0. she was surprised at how much work it was to live with another person. I think it was around three months or so before she started getting a bit snippy. She missed her privacy, she missed the luxury of eating when and what she wanted. He wasn't very helpful around the house and now she was dealing with double the laundry, double the dust. It was an adjustment period as she balanced work, home responsibilities and relationship.

 

So, it could be adjustment and it could be you're not pulling 50% of the burden (in her eyes). I'm not suggesting you are made of money, but if it does have to do with housework, house projects, house maintenance or yard work, I highly reccomend paying someone to lighten the load. I regret not doing that more in my marriage (although we didn't have it).

 

"Hey are things all right with us?

We aren't as intimate as we used to be and I was wondering if there was something else I needed to be doing?

Do you feel okay?"

[Popsicle]

Get out now!

 

Hell, I wouldn't want to be stuck in a non-intimate routine relationship either.

 

And next time, don't move in with a woman so soon.

[AMarriedMan]

Hi guys,

 

Went through my divorce with some of you guys and it helped alot.

 

Since then i had dated several women, met 1 that i fell in love with. We have done alot of camping and trips away together, got on great....life was good. I had been seeing her for nearly 12 months and she asked me to move in. So i did...been there for a little over 2 months now.....the sex has dried up a bit..maybe once a week (shes 43 and im pretty sure shes going into menopause part of life). Which im dealing with.

But latley shes shut off, distant and intamacy is very little...no cuddles or random kisses etc. Im worred that ive been sucked in and im just there for when she feels lonely and to help pay the bills, but im not sure if this is part of menopause either. I love her and dont really want to give up on her, but im missing the intamacy.....anyone else been in a similar situation.?

 

It looks like she's given up on you. I can understand how menopause could affect sex but not how it could lead to a shutdown of emotional intimacy.

[sandylee1]

Talk to her about it.

 

If the relationship is going downhill, then you're free to leave.

[Mr. Lucky]

Talk to her about it.

 

Agreed. It feels like your first outreach has been here, it seems obvious it should be to her. As in "I really miss the closeness and intimacy we had just a short time ago, do you feel a new distance between us? Is it something I've done? Is there something I can do to get us back to that place, it was special and important to me?"

 

Be interesting to know what she's feeling also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

So after 2 months of not getting the amount of sex and cuddles you want, you're questioning if the whole of the relationship was a setup to use you for companionship and money?

 

Wouldn't the more realistic, less self-centered conclusion be that she's going through menopause and/or the dynamic of your relationship is shifting to expressing intimacy through daily communication and contact?

 

Seriously, to question an entire year relationship and the motivation of a woman you theoretically have feelings for because in a 6-8 week span you're not getting physical intimacy to the degree you want is a bit extreme.

 

I don't think it's extreme at all. At just two months of living together she's suddenly in menopause and doesn't need physical intimacy? I know everyone's libido is different but if she was happy to have sex numerous times a week just a couple of months ago and now she has suddenly cut it back to once a week then I think the OP should be concerned about that.

 

And what does the shifting of expressing intimacy through daily communication have to do with cutting off physical expressions of love and affection? First of all I would expect both and secondly verbal communication and contact is not a substitute for physical affection.

 

OP 43 is pretty young for menopause but it does happen early to some women. However it tends to be gradual and the woman's sex drive can swing back and forth between 2 extremes during this time. So no sex for a week or two followed by crazy hot sex for a week or two, or a very slow and gradual decline in the sex drive with it occasionally being turned up full blast. In other words ones sex drive does not usually suddenly disappear overnight.

 

I think you need to talk to her to get a better feel of where she is coming from. Perhaps she sold you a fake bill of goods. Perhaps her libido was fuelled by the feeling that she was pursuing you or winning you over so now that she feels she has you her libido is dying down. I most often see the thrill of the chase applied to a man chasing a woman but women can also be affected by the chase. Perhaps as another poster suggested, she is finding out that she doesn't really love having another person in her space and she is finding it hard to adjust. That was a big one for me whenever I tried to live with someone as I'm an introvert. Early on I would sometimes feel like I was suffocating and experience anxiety. After about six months I would get used to the new arrangements and my panic would calm down.

 

Whatever you do, don't just settle for a life void of sex and physical intimacy. If your gf can't identify the problem and resolve it you should probably move out.

[ShatteredLady]

It's been 2 months. Do you mean that it's been like this since you very first moved in or was it great & intimate for a few weeks & the last 2-3 weeks things have gone down a bit? That's how I'm reading it.

 

It's winter. Have either of you been sick? I know a lot of people who have had 'colds' that dragged on & turned out to be pneumonia or bronchitis. I'm a bit perplexed to be honest. Is 2 MONTHS really long enough for something to be great & go bad? That's 8-10 WEEKS!

 

A bad period could bring average sex down on average in a MONTH. know what I mean ladies? Cramps & headaches for a few days before, then a bad week. Not feeling great because of winter sniffles. Sex a couple of times. That's bad if it's 6 months but GREAT tapering to BAD over 8 weeks? She might want it 20 times next week & be all cuddles. You're JUST settling in together.

 

Is there a chance that you're on the look out for problems because of your past relationship?

[LukeRBetts]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Shes has shown signs of menopause before i moved in and we had discussed it back then. For those who feel im unsympathetic towards this, ive read up about it informed myself on it etc...and i understand its out of her control. And im willing to adjust and work through it with her.

 

I have also tried on several occasions to talk with her about but keep getting "im fine..." and walk away feeling like its me that has the problem. I miss the sex...but i miss the relationship more. Shes shut off and wont let me know why. I have asked if she wants me to move out and she said no....she wants me to stay.....i gave her an out and she didnt want to take it.

 

I talk to my therapist about whats going on and how im feeling..and decided to give it a little more time to see if she opens up about whats going on.

 

My problem is i have a hard time putting my feelings into words that dont sound like im attacking her which put her on the defensive. Im thinking about writing it all down in a letter to her....just not sure if thats the right way to go about it.

 

Thanks all.

[BaileyB]

Best wishes to you. I do hope things improve.

 

I also agree that 43 is young to be dealing with menopause. She may be experiencing perimenopause, but even that would be a little early. And lots of women go through menopause and continue to have a healthy and happy sex life with their husbands. I wouldn't be too quick to say that it's menopause.

 

It sounds like something is wrong in your relationship. Hopefully, you can find out what that is because if it doesn't improve, you will have more decisions to make... Take care.

[ShatteredLady]

I think a kind, sincere letter (if you have trouble expressing yourself gently in the moment) is a very good idea.

 

I've posted this on the other 'no sex or affection' threads but do you want to run through the basics?

 

* Medications - Has she started taking anything new? Did she change contraceptives when you moved-in together? Lots of meds effect both mood & libido.

 

* Hormones - This would be a BIG one for her given the menopause fears! I'm NOT talking about the very basic test a GP would run. She should see a specialist & have a complete screening. A friend had this done. She was just a little low on a couple. After using the cream & pills for a couple of weeks her H said he was exhausted!! She turned into a horney teenage boy!! I'm joking but she felt so very much better in every way, less grumpy, stopped snapping at the kids, felt more rested with less sleep, mentally sharper etc.

 

* Intimacy - You say that you've discussed this a few times. That, in it's self can be a turn off! She could be feeling unappreciated, like you only wanted to live together for 'sex on tap' & not for HER. It's difficult when you're not getting enough sex but do you snuggle, massage etc WITHOUT it leading to sex? That & just laying together talking about things that are important to her could help her feel closer.

 

 

I'm still concerned that this is a VERY short time frame. Is it possible that, because of past problems, you're hyper-focused on this? If it's only a few weeks & you've already talked about it a few times. She could be pulling away because she already feels criticized & worries this will be a pattern.

 

When I'm asked if I don't want to do something or if I'm happy I often hear that the other person doesn't or isn't happy. Know what I mean? Maybe it's because my husband is very passive-aggressive by nature. If he asks "Don't you want to go?", he means that he doesn't. If I'm asked "Are you happy?" It means that he's miserable!! When you say "Don't you want to live together anymore?" after such a short time, when you've already voiced your dissatisfaction, is she hearing, "I think I've made a mistake! I don't want to live with you."?

 

 

For long term sex frequency issues I've heard of 2 'fixes'....

 

1. No sex except Saturday night! You both need to be touching & naked everyday but NO SEX STUFF except on the designated night. You massage each other, bath & shower together. Snuggle, kiss & cuddle every single day. Lots & lots of physical touch, even 'making out' but no sex.

 

The idea is that she feels 'safe' with physical intimacy & gets so turned on & comfortable that she's desperate for sex. She can then ask to plan more nights a week but knows that there are still no sex nights where kisses & cuddles are plentiful.

 

2. Every Night is Sex Night! This works on the sex is a habit. When you're doing it a lot you want it all the time but once you get into the pattern of not doing it that becomes a habit too. As a couple you force yourselves to have sex every night no matter how tired or stressed you are.

 

I know there are other 'planned fixes'. I'm sure that other members have heard of some but they're meant for long-term problems NOT a few weeks.

 

I'm still not sure that making a big deal out of it this soon is a good idea. Shouldn't you just be settling-in & getting comfortable & cozy at this point? I don't know. I'm a very laid back, easy going kind of person. Not that that's necessarily a good thing! I can 'go with the flow' too easily & get caught in others bad habits without nipping it in the bud (how many mixed metaphors is that? Hahaha)

 

Best of luck.

Edited January 11, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[CaliforniaGirl]

You've mentioned how she's changed since you moved in. Have you also changed? Be honest. Do you take more for granted now, for instance? I'm not saying "blame yourself," I'm just seeing if all the bases have been covered here since so far people have been focusing on her as the problem. I know when I start being taken for granted (it can be subtle at first), the romance dries up a bit, and so on, I get WAY less randy than I was previously.

 

Just another angle to look at. What I see over and over again when people move in together/get married is the man tends to go "all of a sudden, the sex has dried up" and the woman tends to go "all of a sudden, he has stopped romancing me and he sits on the couch all night playing with his phone and then turns over and wants a little." It tends to be (IMO) sort of a mutual thing.

 

Long-term takes work, from both parties.

[standtall]

If you have problems this early, leave before you invest anymore time and energy into it...just saying IMHO.