Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[YoungInLove]

To start off, I love my husband. When we met it was fireworks for the first and only time in my life. He had a rough childhood and in turn has some significant trust issues, which I knew about before marrying him.

 

We've been married a year and a half and one of my closest friends (who lives 500 miles way and I rarely get to see) invited me to vacation at her timeshare in Mexico. Only cost to me would be flight, food, and drinks. I've attempted to discuss this with my husband for nearly three months now and every time he refuses to talk about it. He doesn't want me to go and has even threatened leaving me if I do. Prior to getting married I traveled all the time and in fact that was one of the things that he liked about me.

 

He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others" and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want"

 

I love him and am very sorry that he has trust issues but I'm feeling trapped by his issues and I don't think thats fair. I've tried talking to him several times but it always ends in arguments.

 

If I go I'm going to need to get my passport and flights organized but I'm torn.

 

Do I go on vacation with my girlfriends who I rarely see and upset (and possibly lose my husband) or do I stay home and feel like I'm being held captive?

[amaysngrace]

Stay true to you. Marriage should not be a hostage situation.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

You have to address this issue in your marriage at some point in time. Seems like now is as good a time as any. Stand your ground. Work with him on his trust issues. This is something you will eventually need to get past with him if you want your marriage to work long term.

[YoungInLove]

I've been trying but every time I bring it up he shoots me down and says "I've already told you how I feel, there is no need to discuss this any further"

[Whoknew30]

Girls trips are absolutely ok! There's no way I'd let my H tell me I couldn't go on a vacation with my friends, as long as we can afford for me to go!

 

A spouse is a partner, not a parent. People should be able to do what they want, within reason. Go & have fun!

[spideywoman]

I've been trying but every time I bring it up he shoots me down and says "I've already told you how I feel, there is no need to discuss this any further"

 

He's your husband. Therefore, he is obliged to listen to you and what you have to say on important matters. This is how a healthy marriage works. One listens to the other and when there are extremes, you try to compromise. Without communication and with one spouse acting like a petulant child, this won't last long.

 

Broach it again, when he says the above, this is when you say: "I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But I would like to discuss it further. It is important to ME for x, y, z reason. I feel like I have not given you a reason to not trust me and my joining my friends on a trip doesn't mean I love you any less, or want to spend time away from you, etc." Make it clear you know it's not just about a girl's trip and that it's about a larger trust issue. Perhaps you can agree to check in with him x amount of times a day, Skype, call, whatever puts his mind at ease. Ask him what would he like for you to do (other than not going) that would make him at least tolerate that you go? Stay 2 days instead of 3, etc.?

 

My two cents, I'd go on the trip, stand your ground but be courteous and understanding about it and not be callous about it or leave in a huff, "i'll show you" type thing. Call his bluff. Honestly, if a man will leave his wife over something like this, perhaps it's better that he does.

[Mrin]

I've been trying but every time I bring it up he shoots me down and says "I've already told you how I feel, there is no need to discuss this any further"

 

I'd encourage you to consider that this is less about a girls trip and more about the way you and your husband treat and relate to each other. Do you see similar behavior elsewhere? Do you ever do the same?

 

But, giving him the benefit of the doubt...

 

Honestly - in a marriage or any relationship everyone has their hard and fast issues. This may be one of them for your husband. What are yours? Strip clubs? Porn? Female friends? Facebook friends with ex's. What is it that you'd put your foot down on and adopt a similar stance?

 

Now, just because you don't agree with his doesn't make it any less real. Just like if he disagreed with one of yours wouldn't make that any less real to you. Right? Whether you think it is fair or right or if a bunch of people on an internet message board agree with you really is beside the point.

 

If this is something that he feels strongly about then you have to ask yourself, is that something you can live with. If not, then maybe he's not the right guy for you. If it is something you can live with, then chalk it up to the "I don't agree with it but will respect your wishes" compromise that is a part of making a marriage work.

 

Hope this helps!

 

And for the record: I think girl trips are just fine but I can also understand why some men might not.

[SunnyWeather]

His reasons are

"He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others" and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want"

So, it's not about money, right? Just those reasons above?

 

Well, the first part is not true, many married couples go on vacation without their significant others. Just because he would never doesn't mean you hold the same belief. So, you two need to find some common ground here...

 

He is trying to control you, behaving like a child and seemingly out of jealousy. If you really want to go, and I can totally understand why you would, you are going to have to sit him down and calmly explain to him you love him, but you really need to to go this trip because ...[your reasons]

 

**Maintaining friendships are important**

 

If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man, you need - heck you both need- "me" time to make things work in the long run. You will resent him if you don't go because he demanded/threatened you.

 

And if you do go, and he's a friggin jerk like he threatened he would be, well good riddance he needs to grow up

[YoungInLove]

Its not about money. We have bills and have to budget (who doesn't) but we don't want for much. I have been blessed with a well paying job and am able to support him while he works at a small start up business.

 

I wouldn't care where this trip was. Getting to spend a week with friends I never see (two of which were in our wedding) is what I care about. The fact that its in Mexico is definitely a perk though.

 

I feel that him refusing to discuss it is forcing me to make a decision without much of his input and will not make either of us happy. Either I go on the trip knowing he is upset about it or I stay home and in turn am upset that I am missing out on quality time with my friends.

 

I've offered to skype with him daily, put my phone on international so he can call me whenever he wants, plan a trip for the two of us to go on, I've even said he can spend the same amount that I'm spending on the trip on a tv that he has been wanting. Unfortunately I have gotten no where and it seems the topic is not open for discussion.

[ChevyCamaro]

He has made up his mind and won't change no matter what. I don't understand why you would want to go without him in the first place.

[DKT3]

OK, here is a situation were a woman will claim to have a controlling husband when in fact she is the controller.

 

He has clearly stated his opinion and how he feels, your upset not that he won't let you go, because he said you what you want, your upset because you can't change his mind.

 

Everyone has their idea of what kind of marriage they want, you see it as trust issues, maybe so, but it can also be viewed as a respect issue. Maybe he feels disrespect, I say this because he has clearly stated this is something he would never consider doing without you.. of course you have no empathy toward his position and continue to push your agenda knowing full well were he stands...So who has the issue here? The one saying do what you want, or the one saying you have to agree with me, if you don't then you have an issue?

 

Marriage is about compromising, if you feel in compromising your giving up too much of yourself then your marriage is doomed to fail.

[DKT3]

He's your husband. Therefore, he is obliged to listen to you and what you have to say on important matters. This is how a healthy marriage works. One listens to the other and when there are extremes, you try to compromise. Without communication and with one spouse acting like a petulant child, this won't last long.

 

Broach it again, when he says the above, this is when you say: "I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But I would like to discuss it further. It is important to ME for x, y, z reason. I feel like I have not given you a reason to not trust me and my joining my friends on a trip doesn't mean I love you any less, or want to spend time away from you, etc." Make it clear you know it's not just about a girl's trip and that it's about a larger trust issue. Perhaps you can agree to check in with him x amount of times a day, Skype, call, whatever puts his mind at ease. Ask him what would he like for you to do (other than not going) that would make him at least tolerate that you go? Stay 2 days instead of 3, etc.?

 

My two cents, I'd go on the trip, stand your ground but be courteous and understanding about it and not be callous about it or leave in a huff, "i'll show you" type thing. Call his bluff. Honestly, if a man will leave his wife over something like this, perhaps it's better that he does.

 

He did listen, and express his opinion, that isn't the problem. The problem is she didn't like his opinion and is beating him over the head with it, and will continue to do so until she gets the desired response.

[central]

If you set a precedent of caving to all his insecurities and prejudices, then you will always have to do so at the risk of him threatening to leave. That's no way to live, even - IMO especially - in marriage. Go on the trip. Let the chips fall where they may. It is his issue to deal with, and he needs to discuss it with you. If he won't, then he's not worth keeping.

[dichotomy]

Forgetting the fireworks - is he a good husband and partner, kind, loyal, helpful and other wise supportive of your needs ?

 

Would he be a great father as well?

 

If the answer is yes to all this - and this is his one issue of trust - is a bunch or margaritas with your GF's worth loosing him over?

 

You are still close to newlyweds, I would suggest you try to work on this issue slowly. Maybe a lunch, then dinners with GF locally, then - etc...

 

While my wife would not have had trust issues with me after our wedding - she would have been mighty upset for me to jet off to mexico without her to enjoy the fun with a bunch of my single buddies. We probably would have worked some compromise out - she comes with me - stays nearby and I spend 70% my time with my Guy friends - she explores town and shops while we play golf all day or something....and I sleep back at hotel with her every night.

Edited January 2, 2017 by dichotomy

[Lady2163]

I don't know where you live, what kind of job you have, what kind of money you make or how old you are.

 

But with air travel, food and incidentals you're probably looking at dropping close to $1000 for your one week without him. And your using up vacation days.

 

I don't know how long you've been together as a couple, but a one week vacation without your spouse is a bit much for only being married 18 months.

 

I'm usually the first one to say "go for it" and to encourage women not to let their man be holding them back.

 

But, this is part of growing up, this is part of being a couple.

 

Would you really be okay with him going someplace fantastic, someplace you would enjoy, someplace where lots of drinking and flirty behavior could be allowed without you? And for a whole week?

 

You do need to start out smaller. A girls' night out, a girls day out, a bachelorette party weekend. Not something of this magnitude.

 

It didn't work to try and bribe/compromise with him. Either give it up or blow up your marriage. It is your call.

[YoungInLove]

Its not that I'm demanding a different answer. I'm upset because there is no discussion/compromise.

 

I'm being told "no, end of discussion" as if I am a child. I'm willing to compromise but he is not even interested in talking about it.

[enddeck]

You married a man while accepting he had deep felt trust issues.Less than two years into married life you want to go on a holiday with your girlfriends without him.

First of all the disrespect he must be feeling about not being invited should have made you as his wife refuse immediately to contemplate going on this trip.

Secondly your idea of a compromise is to do exactly what you want and his opinion is of no matter.

Thirdly he has given you your answer and the only decision you have to make is whether to listen to your female friends and female advisors on this forum or to respect your husband who you made certain promises to less than two years ago.

The ball is in your court,make sure you want it to be a divorce court before you go down Mexico way.

[Lady2163]

Its not that I'm demanding a different answer. I'm upset because there is no discussion/compromise.

 

I'm being told "no, end of discussion" as if I am a child. I'm willing to compromise but he is not even interested in talking about it.

 

There are times men (and women) will say no just to say no.

 

In 1986 my mother told my dad they needed a new dishwasher. He said, "no, we don't." He traveled a bit for work. Ten years later when he died, he had no idea she bought a dishwasher anyway. He walked past it several times a day for ten years (when he wasn't traveling), it was a different color. He never noticed because he never used it. However, my mom did and knew the old one was shot.

 

On my honeymoon my husband and I drove across country. We spent the night in Vegas. We ate before we went to the hotel. We get to the hotel and they give us $5 worth of complimentary chips. Maybe $10. We get our luggage to the room and I grab the chips and start to leave. He wants to know where I'm going. He refused to let me leave the room that night. Not to gamble with ANY money, not to use the free chips, not to just walk around and see the sights. We fought about it. I had no addictions, had never even played bingo for money or bought a lottery ticket. He wanted sex that night and shocker! He Didn't get it. The next morning he loaded the car while I checked us out....and used the free chips. On my second pull I won over $100. I never told him and I bought something for ME with that money. Until our divorce, he thought I kept the chips as a souvenir.

 

Those are examples of situations where discussion encouraged subterfuge and the men were being unreasonable even with discussion.

 

In your case, I don't think you REALLY grasp the magnitude of what you're expecting. $1000 spent on fun for just you. 5 days vacation burned up just for you. The reason he is shutting you down is because you're asking for TOO MUCH. It's just out of the realm of normal. You're not in college anymore, spring break is over.

 

After you've been married for 20 years or longer, then you get to take one week excursions with your gal pals. But not this early in the relationship.

 

And, I hate to say this: you may feel like he is treating you like a child - probably because you're acting like one. He tells you no, you can't go out and play, so you negotiate. He tells you no again and you still negotiate.

[road]

Its not that I'm demanding a different answer. I'm upset because there is no discussion/compromise.

 

I'm being told "no, end of discussion" as if I am a child. I'm willing to compromise but he is not even interested in talking about it.

 

You are acting like a child. This is a code this man lives his life by. There is no changing it. So if you need to act single then it is best you go to Mexico to see your girl friends and get a divorce there at the same time.

 

 

Husband and wife are meant to be best friends. One puts their best friend first. You can not put your husband first, so you show your husband that he is not your best friend because you put all those other women ahead of your husband. This fact leads to the conclusion to divorce now. Better before having kids and letting finances getting more entangled.

[kgcolonel]

Its not that I'm demanding a different answer. I'm upset because there is no discussion/compromise.

 

I'm being told "no, end of discussion" as if I am a child. I'm willing to compromise but he is not even interested in talking about it.

 

I hear you on the lack of communication skills and the inflexibility....that being said, coming from someone married for 33 years and no infidelity (that I'm aware of), marriage has to be the priority. You're not single any longer and while there is nothing wrong with a girls trip or a guys trip, until it messes with the marriage. I would try a different approach to get to the bottom of the issue. Something like, "Okay, I get that you do not want me to go. So I won't plan on going however I need to understand where this real issue lies...is it with my friends, lack of trust with me, burning vacation time, the money etc....let's talk so that I won't resent you for telling me no without a discussion."

 

If he will not discuss it further then like Road says this is a really bad trend that needs to end. You signed up to forsake all others, including your girlfriends however you did not sign up to be told what you could and could not do. He may resent the money being spent on YOUR week alone. We wont know until you are able to discuss it. If he won't discuss it, I thing your marriage has bigger issues than a trip with the girls.

[BettyDraper]

If you know that your husband had trust issues, why would you expect him to be pleased about this trip? You haven't been married very long and you're already taking trips without him-have you ever considered that perhaps your husband may want to spend time with his new wife instead? I agree that your husband is being inflexible but I also think that you're not being considerate of his feelings.

 

I used to get annoyed with my friends when they prioritized their spouses over our friendships. When my husband expressed a need for more time and affection from me, I began to accept that marriages take precedence over time with friends. Since my husband would never put an outing or trip with his friends before me, I owe him the same courtesy as the woman who is spending the rest of her life with him.

 

If your husband is a good man who treats you very well, I strongly suggest you thinking about whether this trip is worth the end of your young marriage. Decent partners are hard to find.

[BettyDraper]

Forgetting the fireworks - is he a good husband and partner, kind, loyal, helpful and other wise supportive of your needs ?

 

Would he be a great father as well?

 

If the answer is yes to all this - and this is his one issue of trust - is a bunch or margaritas with your GF's worth loosing him over?

 

You are still close to newlyweds, I would suggest you try to work on this issue slowly. Maybe a lunch, then dinners with GF locally, then - etc...

 

While my wife would not have had trust issues with me after our wedding - she would have been mighty upset for me to jet off to mexico without her to enjoy the fun with a bunch of my single buddies. We probably would have worked some compromise out - she comes with me - stays nearby and I spend 70% my time with my Guy friends - she explores town and shops while we play golf all day or something....and I sleep back at hotel with her every night.

 

Great ideas in this post.

[carolann]

I think a whole week vacation clubbing it up in Mexico with your single friends and without your husband is asking a lot. Maybe a weekend somewhere would be more acceptable?

I am also a fairly newly-wed and I wouldn't even want to go on week long vacation without my husband and I sure wouldn't use up my vacation time and money leaving him behind. I love my friends, but my marriage and husband take priority.... Always! Thankfully my friends know and respect that. IMO, by only inviting you, your friend shows lack of respect for your husband and marriage as do you accepting it.

[BettyDraper]

I know you mentioned that your travelled all the time before marriage and that doesn't need to stop unless there are financial or logistic constraints. However, most people have to adjust their lifestyle after marriage. It's just part of making a commitment to another person. Maybe your travel needs to include your husband. At this early stage in the marriage, you should be travelling with him anyway because you're newlyweds.

 

As a single woman, I frequently went out late at night alone and took public transit by myself as well. When I moved in with my husband, he expressed concern for my safety and he also didn't like it when I went out all the time instead of bonding with him. I respected his wishes because I knew my husband cared about me and he wanted to enjoy more evenings together.

[DKT3]

Its not that I'm demanding a different answer. I'm upset because there is no discussion/compromise.

 

I'm being told "no, end of discussion" as if I am a child. I'm willing to compromise but he is not even interested in talking about it.

 

Sure you are, and according to you it was discussed, you took the idea to him, he said he didn't like the idea, you kept going he said do what you want to, you kept going and he basically said you know his stance so why continue talking about it. If you want to go it doesn't sound like he is trying to stop you.

 

I totally agree with the poster that said your comments make it seem like you weren't really ready for marriage. You can listen to those that advocate "doing whatever you want within the marriage" but that's a catylast for divorce, this broad is full of these very kinds of stories.