My G/F is not as feminine anymore - What can I do to change that?

[thickburger]

I'd like my G/F of 10 years to be more feminine. She used to be, but has lost her feminine touch over the past couple of years. I feel almost ashamed to post this because I always had the mentality that looks dont matter, but for some reason this is really bothering me so I decided to post this here.

 

Maybe I'm just being a shallow jack ass, if so please put me in my place.

 

Background: I have been with G/F for about 10 years, we have a toddler aged child together.

 

I might be wrong, but I think this is all related to her confidence. There are some really intelligent guys and gals here, so looking for some insight.

 

Little about her... early 30s, finishing up her grad degree. Very Pretty. Very smart. Not overweight. Very bright future career wise. Great Mom.

 

Little about me... early 30s, stable successful career (although she will make more than me when she finishes school), I am a great dad, I would categorize myself as pretty fit, not six pack type but no gut either. I am not an 'Alpha' type I do not like confrontation so bringing this up to her is hard.

 

 

I think she is beautiful but but (here we go...) she doesn't take care of herself like (in my opinion) most other girls do and how she used to. For example, she only shaves her legs when someone other than me will see them (think beach/pool.) She never wears makeup. She never does her hair. She works/has clinicals at the hospital, so her attire is always scrubs almost 24/7. Haircuts, maybe once a year, never any color or pazazz. Toes/Nail, never done. Basically - not very feminine anymore.

 

All of this, over the course of years, is kinda making that flame burn a little dimmer. I am losing my physical attraction to her. Especially when I go to work, the mall, outside, hell even Walmart and I see, well, more 'effort' everywhere. I think effort implies confidence, and confidence is sexy. And who doesn't want sexy.

 

On the rare occasion she does do something, I try a lot of positive reinforcement. For example, if she shaves her legs, I make sure to give her (and them) lots of attention, compliments, how much I like it, etc... But it never lasts.

 

I have told her how much I enjoy shaved legs (I'm a leg guy) but she doesn't seem to care. I do 80%+ of the chores in the house, and I repeatedly tell her, if something needs to be done that I missed, tell me - I would rather have her 'clean herself up' than clean the house. I'm not talking get all 'Barbiefied' but, just a little something feminine. Is this too much of a request? Maybe shave 3 times a month? I would be thrilled with that.

 

She always gives the excuse that she doesn't have time. I know how hard grad school is, I see her working/studying daily, but I also see her on social media for sometimes hours a day. A request to shave her legs would take no longer than 10-15 min maybe? Instead, when I bring this up (and it's hard for me) I usually get huffed and puffed at and a sarcastic "go find an upgraded model" comment.

 

I think what hurts me the most is that if someone asks us to go to the beach, then she has no issues hopping in the shower and getting it done. But if I, who should be pretty much at the top of her important people list, request some smooth legs - I get baulked at.

 

This is not something the media/magazines/society has forced upon, it's just something that turns me on. There is just something about smooth legs, something about when a woman does her hair, even some red or whatever on her toes - it all exudes confidence and sexiness to me.

 

The above has surely taken it's toll on our sexlife. While not non-existent, definitely not what it used to be. Maybe 4-5 times a month. When we do have sex, I can tell she doesn't feel sexy - I go down on her, caress and kiss her whole body, I know she gets well turned on by how wet she gets, but it's still like something is missing - her confidence maybe?

 

I work in a professional environment. While I don't wear a suit, I am dressed nicely daily in business casual attire, trimmed, etc.

 

I tried buying her some clothes that I thought would look good to get her to dress up a bit (bad idea guys, don't try) and gift certificates to Spa/Nail places - They've been sitting in drawers for 3+ years.

 

Am I outta line?

[central]

She may be taking you and the relationship for granted. It sounds like you've communicated some of this to her, to no effect. You may need to destabilize the relationship enough to get her to "reset" her mindset. I am not suggesting doing anything wrong, but rather do things that start making her question your commitment. Perhaps tell her that you got a nice compliment about your appearance from a pretty woman at work (slight emphasis on how attractive she is). Go out with buddies some evenings, and imply that there are attractive women where you go. Basically, reduce her security level, and she may feel some competitive urge. And of course, stop any compliments you may be giving her, without adding any criticism.

 

 

Of course, she may think you're cheating, but you're not, so be sure you can prove it by having witnesses when you're out, and be prepared to let her see your phone and email - eventually.

[kgcolonel]

Hey, I get you....I once had a girlfriend that when she would do herself up (and she did regularly when we started dating) was a knock out...We dated for two years and about 6 months into the R, her wardrobe went to jeans and t-shirts, no make up etc....

 

We broke up after 2.5 years not solely due to that but it there was a lack of attraction and the feeling that she did not care enough about looking good for me that I didn't feel as though i was a priority.

 

I get it.

[VeveCakes]

I know some posters will hate on you for your opinion but I think your feelings are totally valid.

 

Effort needs to be made in relationships. I would bet my life if you dumped her today within a few weeks she would have her hair make up and legs done.

 

What about surprising her with a "spa day". Leg and bikini wax..... that is one way to get her legs smooth. Hair cut and colour....it would be a nice treat for you both?

[BoaConstrictor]

It's expensive, but would she be willing to consider laser hair removal? That could permanently solve the problem so that she wouldn't have to take the time on a regular basis to shave. It sounds like you live near the beach, which should perhaps make it even more compelling to her.

 

Also, have you state in explicit terms that "this is something that is very important to me?"

 

As a woman, I don't think your expectations are that high. If you had written that you expect her to be made-up and hairless all over, then you would have gotten a different response from me. But shaving 3-5 times a month? She should be able to find the time for that, if it matters to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know some posters will hate on you for your opinion but I think your feelings are totally valid.

 

Agree with this for no other reason than they are his feelings, certainly has a right to them.

 

thickburger, you mentioned "works/has clinicals at the hospital", is she in medical school? If so, she may simply be physically and mentally worn down from the rigors of classroom, study and training. Dolling herself up might be the last thing on her mind, a situation that could improve upon graduation.

 

10 years and a child, why no marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[thickburger]

Agree with this for no other reason than they are his feelings, certainly has a right to them.

 

thickburger, you mentioned "works/has clinicals at the hospital", is she in medical school? If so, she may simply be physically and mentally worn down from the rigors of classroom, study and training. Dolling herself up might be the last thing on her mind, a situation that could improve upon graduation.

 

10 years and a child, why no marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

She is in [grad] Medical school, but not going for a Dr.

 

It's demanding for sure, but this even started before her school (2 years ago.) I told her and encouraged her to enter the program she is in. I told her, for the next 2 year I will run the entire show. Whatever needs to be done, I will do it. In addition to my job I take care of our son, pickup to/from school, housework, cooking, whatever it is, I do it.

 

I just want some sexiness damnit! I think we are in the [physical] prime of our lives and it sometimes feels like it's going to waste.

 

I would never cheat, but it just feels uneasy sometimes to be among everyone else who takes [better] care of themselves. Everyone has stress/work/school - it shouldn't be an excuse right? I know if she told me she liked something a certain way that took a few minutes to make happen, I would jump on it in a heartbeat. I wasn't asking for much, just every now and then. We live in the southern US, it was 80F today - lotsa legs out there!

 

As for marriage, she hasn't pushed for it. Mentioned it one time something along the lines of "if it happens great, if it doesn't then it doesn't" - Not really sure what that meant. I actually have the ring, I've had it for 2+ years. Just haven't dont the deeds yet. I think once she finished school and things settle down, that will happen. She'll have to get spruced up for the wedding eh?

 

It's like as if she 'gave up' on her looks - like she can't compete or something with anyone else. But little does she know she'd be a knockout. I wish I could convey that to her somehow without sounding like a jackass. I tried a few things but not sure what else to do.

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Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Popsicle]

With maturity she'll learn to keep herself up better, but until then, good luck with finding a "very pretty", "not overweight" girlfriend who has (or soon to have) a good career AND wants you.

 

If you don't want to go back into the dating pit, all you can do is encourage her with kindness to shave her legs, wear makeup and do her hair and nails.

[camillalev]

This is not something the media/magazines/society has forced upon, it's just something that turns me on.

 

Yes it is. You would be hard pressed to find a straight male that doesnt prefer these things, unless they have a specific fetish. It's the trend/standard all women are held to these days and almost all men expect.

 

As for everything else, you are not necessarily wrong to enjoy/want shaved legs and some makeup on your partner. In long relationships people tend to get comfortable and I think it's normal to want your partner to put a little effort in. She's not gotten fat, let herself go, or 'gave up on herself'(trust me you would know if she did) she's gotten comfortable. Maybe plan some super romantic date nights? She will for sure get herself dolled up for those.

 

I agree with the poster that said she is probably exhausted with medical school and that shaving her legs and doing her hair for you is probably the last thing on her mind. Maybe it will improve after graduation.

 

Make her feel sexy even if she hasnt shaven her legs or has make up on? I prefer being shaved and putting a bit of effort into how I look, and having nights where I look fabulous can be great, however that's not all the time. Also, doing those things(shave/wax, hair, make up, nails) takes more effort and money than I think men realize, and its not necessarily always a super fun activity.

 

And I disagree with the poster that suggested making her question your commitment to her. Its game playing and you might get the results you desire in the short term but you could also cause problems and trust issues.

 

Maybe try to introduce a little spark and excitement into your relationship? Or maybe you can lead my example and hit the gym, work on that six pack you dont have it seems like whenever I read a thread where the spark has kind of dimmed in a relationship and one person gets inspired to put a lot of effort into fitness or looks, suddenly their partner is all over them. So maybe you can flip it and put noticable effort into yourself.

[Els]

Is this too much of a request? Maybe shave 3 times a month? I would be thrilled with that.

 

Are you SURE you'd like that? TBH stubble feels worse than hair - shaving for smoothness tends to require a daily routine. Even a 2-day old shave feels like cactus.

 

Especially when I go to work, the mall, outside, hell even Walmart and I see, well, more 'effort' everywhere. I think effort implies confidence, and confidence is sexy. And who doesn't want sexy.

 

That is because those women are 'outside' (from what you mentioned, your gf shaves when she bares her legs outside too). You have no idea what they do when they aren't going out with shorts/skirts. Contrary to what some believe, lots of women only shave if they're going to be wearing something that exposes their legs. Yes, even women in relationships/marriages.

 

That being said, I don't think you're being a 'shallow jackarse'. On the other hand, I don't think she's being inordinately lazy either. Going to med school while working WHILE having a child can really take its toll on a person.

 

A few suggestions:

1) If you make good money, is IPL/laser treatment for her possible? That eliminates the need to shave, but is expensive. You could consider offering her a gift card for that (NOT as a birthday/Christmas gift obviously, just as a random gift).

2) You mention you do a lot of the housework, which is great, but how is the childcare? Would getting a nanny/babysitter for a few evenings a week work? That way she might have an evening all to herself, just to pamper herself (which could include shaving or getting her nails done, etc).

3) Do you guys go out for romantic dates at all, the kind of dates that would encourage her to wear a dress?

[BettyDraper]

One of the biggest challenges in a long term relationship is refraining from becoming too comfortable. It's so easy to just let ourselves go and stop caring how we look.

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You're not expecting your girlfriend to look like she stepped out of a magazine every day. You just want her to make some effort with her appearance. Look how many women who have posted in this thread have agreed that you aren't asking for much.

 

Sit down with your girlfriend and have a serious discussion. Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you enjoy seeing her take care of herself.

[Mr. Lucky]

As for marriage, she hasn't pushed for it.

 

Actually, it was you I was talking to . Why no push from you?

 

In long-term relationships like yours, it's unclear to me what commitment marriage represents that isn't already covered by the fact you've had a child together.

 

Are these concerns about her "femininity" part of some overall questioning whether she's the one?

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I'm firmly of the belief that it takes MORE confidence to be natural than made up. We can work all kinds of cosmetic wonders with makeup, but in this appearance driven society, showing your real self takes more confidence.

 

I have to say that with the exception of getting my hair done regularly (not sexy hair - it's short and choppy hair) I pretty much do as your girlfriend does on a day to day basis. Though I do put on some makeup if we are going out to do something nice.

 

My hubby is fine with this, but I've always been this way. Did your girl start out being perfectly turned out when you first met? Or was she always this way too? If you marry a natural girl, expect her to stay a natural girl.

[Poe77]

Are you SURE you'd like that? TBH stubble feels worse than hair - shaving for smoothness tends to require a daily routine. Even a 2-day old shave feels like cactus.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah this! she would have to shave just about every day to keep them smooth other wise its cactus land..back in my early 20s I use to do that now a days I honestly cant be bothered ill do it a few times a month just to keep it in check other then that im good not to mention I have very fair skin and razors irritate me to high heaven.

 

With everything on her plate at the moment I can totally understand why she isn't into dolling herself up shes got to much other important things to take care of if the legs are that much of a turn off to you then I say pay for the perm lazier hair removal for her and be done with it one prob solved.

 

Now you cant really compare with how you dress to how she dose shes in a health care job it sounds? and you are a business man? half of your job is impressing people all day long with how well put together you look..hers is caring for peoples health and that can be a messy job! not to mention when she gets home shes got a drooly snotty mud covered tot to take care of..no offense im sure they are great kid but my point is kids are a walking mess 24/7 just about..

 

I wont lie the fact you been together that long with out getting married is kinda odd and then had a child together? like some one else said she sounds like shes got her life going in the right direction be happy for that alot of people dont these days.. she might be a little unkempt but you could end up with a total hot mess..the grass is not always greener just cause the package is prettier..

[Els]

I'm firmly of the belief that it takes MORE confidence to be natural than made up. We can work all kinds of cosmetic wonders with makeup, but in this appearance driven society, showing your real self takes more confidence.

 

I have to say that with the exception of getting my hair done regularly (not sexy hair - it's short and choppy hair) I pretty much do as your girlfriend does on a day to day basis. Though I do put on some makeup if we are going out to do something nice.

 

I agree with this. I also think that there are plenty of men who would be fine with what the OP's gf does.

 

However, the OP's (apparently rather strong) preferences are what they are, and rationale is unlikely to change that. If they were newly dating, then I'd probably say "you two aren't compatible", but at 10 years with a child, some sort of compromise might be in order?

[Els]

Yeah this! she would have to shave just about every day to keep them smooth other wise its cactus land..back in my early 20s I use to do that now a days I honestly cant be bothered ill do it a few times a month just to keep it in check other then that im good not to mention I have very fair skin and razors irritate me to high heaven.

 

Yeah, same here. I generally avoid shaving unless I'm sure I want to commit to doing it daily for the next couple of months at least (usually, during the summer) - the regrowth phase is really not worth it. And skin irritation is an issue for many of us (though we don't know if OP's gf suffers from that). The vast majority of women I know don't keep their legs 100% smooth all the time, same with how lots of men don't keep their cheeks and chin baby-smooth all the time.

 

Knowing this, I purposefully select for men who don't care much about body hair on women, though (not just for this reason - I just tend to be more compatible with such men on principle). Fortunately I am with one such man. But if the OP's gf always knew he was a 'leg man', and chose to stay with him for so long and have a baby with him, then I don't really think he's at fault.

[Arieswoman]

thickburger,

 

Maybe I'm just being a shallow jack ass, if so please put me in my place.

 

Yes, you are, so consider yourself duly chastised.

 

Your g/f is juggling serious studying, raised a toddler, dealing with your needs/demands, and is in a relationship with a guy who doesn't think enough of her to marry her?

 

I'd be fed-up, tired and depressed in that situation, and depilation would be the last thing on my mind. The poor girl must feel like she's on a treadmill. Time on social media is all she has for "chill-out" time and you begrudge her that?

 

Don't forget at the end of all this she'll be carrying the relationship financially and will be doing a demanding job. How do you plan to support her then she'll probably be pulling some crazy shifts?

 

I don't know if she has always been a "natural" woman or whether it has changed but either way is it really that important to you?

 

Have you discussed marriage, and if not why not?

[Noirek]

I set the bar low with my appearance from the start to avoid such situations as this but even so some things became even harder to maintain for me as a more natural girl.

 

Motherhood- since I have to get the kids ready to go to grandparents or babysitters before date nights I often don't have has much time to put on makeup as I did before. I'm spread more thin in my daily life to so a just because day doesn't happen as often. I am more tired and tired too.

Job change- I went from being in the service industry to labourer. So, being attractive is not a thing any more. And being tired is, again.

As I aged I also developed leg sensitivity. I wish I could afford laser but I can't. As to dying my hair. I do that for fun but i would never pay for it to be done or the upkeep, way to much work. I don't mind roots.

 

All those fabulous looking working moms out there. I admire you and hate you all at the same time:p

 

My point OP, is that if your wife has a lot on her plate. And you are doing a good job helping out with the housework. But medical school is stressful. And being a mom is too. And being pregnant was and by your timeline that was beforehand. It may be time to have an honest conversation with her about how you miss her dressing up. Not this passive aggresive way. However, in light of the schooling that may backfire on you.

 

I'm glad my husband thinks I'm hot no matter what. Ladies, set the bar low, thats all i can say.

[Noideanow]

With so Little sex you write and the fact that you dont find her feminine without those "things" done, could it Be no matter what she would do she simply hasnt feminine in her dna? But to convince your concious mind she is feminine you Focus on those superficial things while in fact she should Be Born feminine attractive sexy without trying to Change herself:cool: Somethings very wrong here One way or the other

[camillalev]

To be honest, if my boyfriend said anything even hinting at or resembling ''You would be a knockout if you shaved your legs and put some makeup on!'' I would have a negative reaction to it as well.

[basil67]

All of you promoting lazer hair removal....you do know it best works with dark hair on fair skin don't you? If you do know this, why do you suggest it without knowing the colouring of the OP's partner?

 

I went through a number of series of zapping treatments on my nether regions, but due to lighter hair, it was a complete fail. As for my legs with that fine blonde down, there's not a chance of success.

 

Frankly, I'm appalled at the expectation that a woman should undergo permanent beauty treatment just because she's not interested in daily grooming of hair. I'm wondering if you'd all recommend your men get his balls whacked with lazer zaps to rid himself that unsightly hair (sarcasm)

[basil67]

I agree with this. I also think that there are plenty of men who would be fine with what the OP's gf does.

 

However, the OP's (apparently rather strong) preferences are what they are, and rationale is unlikely to change that. If they were newly dating, then I'd probably say "you two aren't compatible", but at 10 years with a child, some sort of compromise might be in order?

 

Yes, it would be nice if she wore makeup when going out to do something nice.

 

He could also treat her to beauty salon for a facial and massage every now and then while he minds the kids. And of course, take care of the kids while she does her beauty needs. Give her time to create the feminine image he so desires.

 

I think that could be appropriate compromise.

[Els]

All of you promoting lazer hair removal....you do know it best works with dark hair on fair skin don't you? If you do know this, why do you suggest it without knowing the colouring of the OP's partner?

 

I went through a number of series of zapping treatments on my nether regions, but due to lighter hair, it was a complete fail. As for my legs with that fine blonde down, there's not a chance of success.

 

Frankly, I'm appalled at the expectation that a woman should undergo permanent beauty treatment just because she's not interested in daily grooming of hair. I'm wondering if you'd all recommend your men get his balls whacked with lazer zaps to rid himself that unsightly hair (sarcasm)

 

I don't think she should be expected to undergo it. I simply suggested that rather than continue haranguing her to shave her legs when she is so pressed for time, he instead offer her a gift card for laser. She could choose to decline and not use the card, but it seems like a better solution than continuing to do something that was causing both of them frustration.

 

(Obviously, the ideal solution is that he learn to accept a natural woman, but if that isn't going to happen...)

[mikeylo]

You are not being shallow. It's a mix of her being too comfortable and very busy. Have you looked into the thought that she might be depressed? If it's only a couple of years that she stopped, then if she could do then, she can do now as well.

 

If you are giving her coupons , vouchers etc to get herself pampered and she is not using them, then something is seriously wrong.

 

Anyways, your wanting her to be same as before is normal.

[Jump Through Loops]

I would say she is displaying her mood/state of mind by the way she is dressing down. I understand dressing down to feel comfortable, my wife does it all the time. Good for her. But I also know that when I'm not happy within myself my state of dress displays it, and when I snap out of it the glad rags come back out. Sometimes a small miracle even takes place, I may even brush my hair.