I'm a cheater and I want to amend my ways

[IamACheater2017]

I've been married with my wife for over 3 years, we have 1 baby together who's 1 year old and very cute.

 

Before I met my wife there was a period of time when I was single and went to so many escorts telling it's okay if I don't date anyone.

 

Fast forward, we got married, I was faithful and I never imagined myself cheating but I did sometimes watch Webcams behind my wife's back, and we've never talked about this, perhaps only once during our marriage, it was like a grey area we've never discussed.

 

And then about 1 year ago while I was at work and I couldn't have sex with my wife because she was pregnant with the baby I went to an escort for a "relief" (no intercourse), the whole thing lasted less than 3 minutes .... I left so ashamed and spoke about it to no one, not even writing it in forums.

 

I wasn't sure if I should tell my wife about it or not ... I read online so many suggestions that some support telling her and some support keeping it as secret until I die ... I was so annoyed with myself and told myself that it's going to be one of the biggest scars in our lives, I won't tell her because it would only do bad than good ... and I was hoping to make a better future.

 

And then .... 2 days ago I did something terrible again ... and before I describe it I want to explain it started with looking at Webcams/Porn websites, reading stuff related to it, that was a week ago - I think this is what made me want to go to an escort .... "again" ... and again it was a "relief", less than 3 minutes, and now I find myself being such a jerk, such a moron ... I don't know what to do.

 

Going to the bottom line - please read before being judgemental - I started reading about sex addiction, I told myself I cannot let this happen again in my life, no matter what the circumstances are ... looks like the lack of talk about Webcams with my wife was something that must be rectified ... sex addiction theory explains you avoid those shady things by having good and honest communication with your spouse ....

 

Watching porn, webcams and things like that are also bad for your marriage, you watch porn today, go to escort tomorrow, it works like this, the world of porn is the most disgusting out there, I am only learning it now and previously I believed it's okay to watch another girl behind my wife's back.

 

Now what do I do from here? How can I fix this if it can be fixed?

 

I'm not sure if I can/should bring honesty into the table, I am not sure I should tell my wife "hey, I went to escorts, twice, since we got married, but there was no intercourse" - it doesn't matter ... just saying these words would hurt my wife forever ....

 

Do I want to lose my wife and our cutest baby? Absolutely not ... I feel like I do love my wife - but I guess everyone in the forum would say "your actions speak otherwise" - well ...

 

I'm not justifying being with an escort is okay, it's wrong, watching porn is wrong, webcams is wrong ... I don't want to have any of this ever again in my life but I don't know how to go from here .... and perhaps I deserve to lose the most precious thing that god gave me? Perhaps I deserve to be alone and miserable?

 

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Any advice? Any ideas? I'm really broken.

Edited November 30, 2016 by IamACheater2017

[Miss Clavel]

maybe you should talk to your wife. she's promised, at the wedding, to, uh, take care of you. you have needs, she needs to help you with them.

 

can you two take care of your needs together? even if she doesn't want to help with the "relief", can't she at least be in the same room? where's the harm? i understand that she might not want to have "intercourse" but her hands aren't broken, are they? or yours? lie down together and get it done. she might want some "relief" as well.

 

i don't think this an "addiction" per say, but it's not up to me to diagnose you. only you can decide. before you label yourself an addict find a 12 step meeting for sexaholics and attend 10 meetings before you decide if you should join.

 

i agree that porn is horrendous, demeaning and addicting. i also know that when you are trying to quit something that is causing you pain and distress, along with self-loathing, you should stop cold turkey, no peeking. it just wakes up the obsession and brings on the compulsion. so cut porn out of your life.

 

going to an escort is cheating. so you're going to have to stop that as well. 5 mins. of relief brings on another cycle of fear and self loathing.

 

just "do it yourself". with your wife would be best. try telling her that you "miss her" that you want to be close to her. hopefully she will listen.

 

ask her, that since you swore, in your vows to keep yourself only unto her, and she doesn't want to be with you, where does that leave you?

 

imo, it's only sex. you two should be able to get it done until she's "back on her feet".

 

if she doesn't want sex even when she's not pregnant or recovering from the birth, that's a whole nother convo.

 

good luck

[BaileyB]

To me, life is about choices. And when you choose the behavior, you chose the consequences.

 

You chose a moment of satisfaction (instant gratification) over the well being and security of your wife and your family. That's the bottom line.

 

If you want something different, you make a different choice.

 

If you truly feel like this is addiction, that you have no control over the choices that you make, and you are unable to watch porn without being compelled to go to an escort, then you need to seek therapy.

 

But, I firmly believe that people always have a choice. And, if you make a choice that is hurtful to your wife and family, then you need to accept responsibility for that and deal with the consequences of your decision.

 

And make no mistake about it... Having sex with an escort or a prostitute or any other woman outside of your marriage not only puts your own health at risk, but also the health of your wife. And any woman with any kind of self respect or self protection would not tolerate that for a moment.

 

The question is, why are you not able to get this "release" from your wife or on your own?

Edited November 30, 2016 by BaileyB

[IamACheater2017]

Miss C, I think you're touching the one sensitive point in our marriage - in our culture I am only allowed to ejaculate inside my wife so I can't do it on my own when she's sitting/laying next to me, it's not allowed ... well, depends who you ask.

 

Let's put it this way - my wife is against the waste of sperm unless if it's done in proper sexual intercourse, so as much as I'd love to get a "relief" and I was about to get it so many times when I was with my wife I had to hold myself not to because she's against it ... in fact, when it did happen to me *accidentally* she was so upset and felt annoyed as if we made a sin (whilst I don't see it as a sin but she does).

 

So this is the main issue we have - for us to have sex it requires the baby to sleep, not to be tired after work, I've never had a "relief" from her except once in my birthday - we both (me and my wife, NOT an escort) went to a private place, had lots of good time together and she just let me ejaculate when I couldn't hold it and we were both happy about it. I wish this could be part of our marriage, instead of being 'worried' about wasting sperm - hell ... look what happened ... I did waste it and with a complete stranger - it doesn't make things better!!

 

BaileyB - The addiction part is not the basis of the story, I don't know if I'm 100% addicted or not, but what I do know is that I don't want any 3rd girl in my life, not virtually or physically, so porn or webcam or escort - it's all the same, ALL should be avoided - there shouldn't be any legitimacy given to porn!! Couples who give legitimacy to porn (usually for the husband to watch), with/without the other spouse's consent - are going to hurt themselves, that's why I want to avoid it.

 

Lastly:

"Having sex with an escort or a prostitute or any other woman outside of your marriage not only puts your own health at risk, but also the health of your wife"

 

I mentioned what I did with the escort was a relief, no sexual intercourse was involved, in fact there was barely any touching involved, I treated them as objects and I think that's what porn and the industry wants you to do with women - to treat them as objects, and my wife shouldn't be treated as an object. Anyway bottom line there is no health risk involved, what is at risk is my family life ... and not wanting to ever do it again, but I don't know if I deserve a "2nd chance" with or without telling my wife about all this - or perhaps I shouldn't talk to her about the escorts because it would only cause her harm and do nothing good - but I should talk to her about ourselves and about how I view the sexual life with her and hopefully get to be on the same page there and that could lead to a better future?

[BaileyB]

I think you need to talk with your wife. She has some pretty rigid personal and cultural beliefs... You have some pretty rigid beliefs about porn. To each their own, if that is really how you feel. But, I think you need to tell her that you are sexually frustrated and see what she can do to help.

 

I ask, what do you think she would prefer - that you take care of it yourself or go to an escort. That's not really a "normal" way to deal with sexual frustration. Most men who are sexually frustrated will find a way to deal with it, without an escort.

 

And, of course I know that you didn't have sex with this woman. But, I can imagine that it is a slippery slope... If you are doing this for a sexual thrill, I can imagine that over time you will need novelty and the risk is there that you will engage in more inappropriate behavior - and that puts you both at risk! Don't forget that - you don't have the right to put your wife at risk.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let's put it this way - my wife is against the waste of sperm unless if it's done in proper sexual intercourse, so as much as I'd love to get a "relief" and I was about to get it so many times when I was with my wife I had to hold myself not to because she's against it ... in fact, when it did happen to me *accidentally* she was so upset and felt annoyed as if we made a sin (whilst I don't see it as a sin but she does).

 

Are these religious/cultural beliefs that you hold? If not, this divide may be as big an issue in your marriage as your search for "relief". Even if you don't cheat, the resentment will build a wall between you.

 

Most of us in the Western world would tell you she doesn't get to dictate what you do with your sperm as it relates to the relationship between the two of you.

 

This is as much about ground rules as it is about cheating. You obviously need to be faithful to your wife but she needs to be rational in her approach to sex. If cultural norms prevent that from happening, you have some tough choices to make ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[IamACheater2017]

 

And, of course I know that you didn't have sex with this woman. But, I can imagine that it is a slippery slope... If you are doing this for a sexual thrill, I can imagine that over time you will need novelty and the risk is there that you will engage in more inappropriate behavior - and that puts you both at risk! Don't forget that - you don't have the right to put your wife at risk.

 

BaileyB,

 

If I am able to amend my ways (tomorrow I got an appointment, it won't be the last) - and I will never do this ever again until I die - does the current situation of cheating on my wife, twice, with escorts, justify ourselves to stay together? I'm asking based on your opinion - I definitely want us to remain together but how does it look from your perspective? I'm referring to the situation, as is, now ... not to an even worse and horrible future that I definitely don't want to go through that path ....

Edited November 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[IamACheater2017]

Are these religious/cultural beliefs that you hold? If not, this divide may be as big an issue in your marriage as your search for "relief". Even if you don't cheat, the resentment will build a wall between you.

 

Most of us in the Western world would tell you she doesn't get to dictate what you do with your sperm as it relates to the relationship between the two of you.

 

This is as much about ground rules as it is about cheating. You obviously need to be faithful to your wife but she needs to be rational in her approach to sex. If cultural norms prevent that from happening, you have some tough choices to make ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I never thought about it until now ... I could always try to go together with her to speak about it with someone who can guide us and give us better guidance - if she will get guidance from certain people she would listen to them, that's for sure - that could resolve the issue?

[mikeylo]

After the first time , you probably told yourself that you won't do it again But you did. Again , you are saying the same thing. It only a matter of time you will do it again.

 

You are basically cheating on her.

 

She will come to know sooner or later. She deserves to know that she is living a lie with you.

[honestyrightback]

Find the right girl and you wont want to cheat. You may end up with people who you don't want and can't let go. That's an internal issue. To not cheat, you find someone who doesn't make you want to cheat or find someone who works with it if it's to hard to change that about yourself.

[mikeylo]

I never thought about it until now ... I could always try to go together with her to speak about it with someone who can guide us and give us better guidance - if she will get guidance from certain people she would listen to them, that's for sure - that could resolve the issue?

 

Dude, don't make your cheating as her problem. She is Not the cause. You are. Treat yourself first. Duh

[IamACheater2017]

It only a matter of time you will do it again.

 

I don't see it as a matter of time until it happens again - fundamentally I don't ever want to do it again - it starts with avoiding all types of porn/webcams etc. - they do escalate to things like that.

 

I am not taking this lightly by only talking, I am practically doing everything I can to avoid being in that dark spot.

 

Is it not possible to be a better person and dispute/revoke/challenge that quoted text of yours in reality?!

[IamACheater2017]

Find the right girl and you wont want to cheat. You may end up with people who you don't want and can't let go. That's an internal issue. To not cheat, you find someone who doesn't make you want to cheat or find someone who works with it if it's to hard to change that about yourself.

 

I love my wife and I believe she is the one, I don't want to ruin our marriage and I don't want to do anything more destructive to it ... if I believed telling her is the right thing I would have told her but I believe it would only cause more damage ... now if I would do it one more time (third time is NOT a charm) then I would have no resort but to tell her, I can't live in a lie ... for me even the first time was more than enough, so finding myself doing what I did 2 days ago is not something I'm proud of.

 

I do however disagree with the notion of "find the right girl" or the easy trigger on the D word - I've seen people who got D(ied) and nothing good came out of it....

 

I know I'm a jerk, a terrible husband, a liar, a cheater, however you wanna call me but I'm looking as the title says - to amend my ways - you all here don't think it's possible, you think in the current present position this is too much for a married couple to take on together? I'm not asking from you to pat on my back and tell me it's okay, you can do it - what I did was wrong - I'm just trying to find out if there is some light, even 1 ray of hope in the end of the tunnel?

[mikeylo]

I don't see it as a matter of time until it happens again - fundamentally I don't ever want to do it again - it starts with avoiding all types of porn/webcams etc. - they do escalate to things like that.

 

I am not taking this lightly by only talking, I am practically doing everything I can to avoid being in that dark spot.

 

Is it not possible to be a better person and dispute/revoke/challenge that quoted text of yours in reality?!

 

People change only if they want to. You can also change. But not without professional help. I might be called upon for saying this but sometimes you need to feel shame. Not just within yourself. You need to see the pain you've caused to your wife. You need her forgiveness and that is something you have to gain. You need to go throw fire to get the result you want otherwise you are bound to repeat.

[IamACheater2017]

People change only if they want to. You can also change. But not without professional help. I might be called upon for saying this but sometimes you need to feel shame. Not just within yourself. You need to see the pain you've caused to your wife. You need her forgiveness and that is something you have to gain. You need to go throw fire to get the result you want otherwise you are bound to repeat.

 

Throwing fire and telling her would only make things worse... what benefit will she get out of knowing? I've read about this online - there are so many girls out there who said they'd rather not know ... and of course they'd rather not know if it's once ... (twice is already crossing the border I know ... but I don't want to destroy my wife's happiness).

 

Telling at this stage of life would ruin the trust, the love, the happiness we share together - we do share those ... I don't think telling is the right way, I honestly don't.

[mikeylo]

Throwing fire and telling her would only make things worse... what benefit will she get out of knowing? I've read about this online - there are so many girls out there who said they'd rather not know ... and of course they'd rather not know if it's once ... (twice is already crossing the border I know ... but I don't want to destroy my wife's happiness).

 

Telling at this stage of life would ruin the trust, the love, the happiness we share together - we do share those ... I don't think telling is the right way, I honestly don't.

 

The trust , love and happiness? It's a lie she is living. Those girls are not your wife. She deserves to know who she is trusting and loving.

[IamACheater2017]

The trust , love and happiness? It's a lie she is living. Those girls are not your wife. She deserves to know who she is trusting and loving.

 

Those girls are not in my life, they never were except for a few minutes which I'm sorry for. If I was having an affair with another girl behind her back I would definitely agree I don't love my wife - and I'm not trying to be lenient with what I did or treat it with leniency but I feel like some people have the perspective that dropping atomic bombs in relationships is the best way forward.

 

I am going to talk about my sexual addiction and sexual needs with my wife, I am going to therapy, I am going to do my utmost to not even use a single website of porn/webcam ever again - just terminated my membership in the website I was using by the way.

 

Why are you supporting the atomic bomb approach so much? What good does it bring?

[JoeSmith357-1]

So in y our culture or religion, it's not ok to jerk off but it's ok to go bang hookers or get blow jobs from them??

 

You may need to re-evaluate your religious or cultural decisions if your wife is not taking care of you sexually, or leave her because of it

[Sweetfish]

Those girls are not in my life, they never were except for a few minutes which I'm sorry for. If I was having an affair with another girl behind her back I would definitely agree I don't love my wife - and I'm not trying to be lenient with what I did or treat it with leniency but I feel like some people have the perspective that dropping atomic bombs in relationships is the best way forward.

 

I am going to talk about my sexual addiction and sexual needs with my wife, I am going to therapy, I am going to do my utmost to not even use a single website of porn/webcam ever again - just terminated my membership in the website I was using by the way.

 

Why are you supporting the atomic bomb approach so much? What good does it bring?

 

 

Such a slippery scenario...

 

I suggest you really think about if your going to tell her. Maybe bad **** happens to see and realize how valuable your family is.

 

If you plan on telling her... you need to realize this could be the end.

 

If you think this battle can't be fought alone... than yes tell her. I would tell her your sexual desires as well because it sounds like you have needs that are not being met you failed to express.

 

 

Some battle you have to fight alone.

[RecentChange]

I have been cheated on, and I have cheated, so I have a bit of empathy Op.

 

For me, my cheating was about sex not an emotional affair, so I understand where you are coming from. I know how temping it can be to get pulled down tgat rabbit hole. I also understand making bad decisions and being truly remorseful for them.

 

If your wife is so rigid and religiously indoctrinated that "spilling sperm" is a sin, I don't think she would ever forgive you if she found out about this.

 

You know what you have done is wrong, and I believe with conviction you will be able to change your ways.

 

I had a D Day which makes taking an about face much easier. You will have to do it with sheer willpower.

 

Work on yourself and then address the BIG issue. You and your wife have different beliefs and needs when it comes to sex. What do you see as the resolution to this?

[IamACheater2017]

 

If you think this battle can't be fought alone... than yes tell her. I would tell her your sexual desires as well because it sounds like you have needs that are not being met you failed to express.

 

Some battle you have to fight alone.

 

I don't feel alone in the battle, and I've already shared with her some of the issues, we've started to talk about it.

However I didn't bring into the conversation the issue of being with 2 escorts, even if was just for a "relief" or for less than 3 minutes at each time with clothes on - there is a strong reason why I don't believe in telling.

 

First of all, it will break our trust, secondly she might not believe me if she would ask for details that I only "did" this and that, and third - this is like an atomic bomb - once you drop it your married life is never going to be the same, even if we remain together for 50 years such a thing will always bother her ...

 

I think many of you underestimate the bad side of telling some things to your spouse - I'm not an advocator of keeping secrets from your spouse but if I know those 2 occasions were the only 2 occasions in my life until I die - then I don't mind leaving this as secret and never share it with anyone, except for anonymous forums like here and professional help (but never with friends, family, relatives etc.).

 

I personally don't believe I should break the entire package, I believe I can change .. I know that anyone going to escort while married is cheating, and it doesn't matter what you do there - it's cheating... just talking over the phone with an escort is cheating ... and so is webcams - watching another girl on your screen in live, performing what you ask her to do is also type of cheating - if society accepts webcams but doesn't accept escorts then society has a huge problem.

 

Both are bad for marriage, period.

[mikeylo]

Why did you seek relief from those escorts? Why did you not help yourself? In your bathroom? In your room ? I doubt you didn't get 3 minutes alone in your room?

 

Anyways, if you choose to not tell, just know that your relationship is not based on honesty. How can you even look in her eye and say you love her? Telling her is bringing an end to your dream life with her or giving her a chance to decide what kind of life she wants and with whom. She may or may not forgive you. But whatever it will be, it will be based on honesty.

 

Well, you have to think hard and deep and then decide. You have risked your dream future. Duh!

 

These boards really are a reminder to what not do to keep my relationship!

[IamACheater2017]

Why did you seek relief from those escorts? Why did you not help yourself? In your bathroom? In your room ? I doubt you didn't get 3 minutes alone in your room?

 

Anyways, if you choose to not tell, just know that your relationship is not based on honesty. How can you even look in her eye and say you love her? Telling her is bringing an end to your dream life with her or giving her a chance to decide what kind of life she wants and with whom. She may or may not forgive you. But whatever it will be, it will be based on honesty.

 

Well, you have to think hard and deep and then decide. You have risked your dream future. Duh!

 

These boards really are a reminder to what not do to keep my relationship!

 

I am not justifying what I did nor looking to find excuses for that.

I also don't agree with your approach as if our lives cant be based on honesty.

 

I will say it again - if I don't mend my ways then you're right, I should tell her and face an atomic consequence probably starts with the word D.

However if I can improve and put this behind me for good then I don't see Amy reason or benefit in telling...!

 

She deserves happiness, that's what she deserves before anything else, whether Im good for it or god forbid not is up to me, and I do want to mend my ways permanently.

[mikeylo]

Look man, you need help and you need her help most of all, without telling her. It's very difficult.

 

Your communication is going to be a delicate thing. Duh! She is trusting you and her happiness is based on what she thinks about you but you actually aren't ! Dude,if it was me, my heart would break every time I saw her smile at me!

 

Well, good luck. Cheating on someone who trusts you and has done nothing but loved you ... what can I say?

 

Take it to grave if you can and don't ruin her further.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would recommend getting to a CSAT right away.

 

Frankly, you sound very much like my husband and you can feel free to read my threads and posts.

 

 

 

His behaviour left an eight-year scar right down our marriage and it wasn't until he actually told me THE TRUTH and dedicated himself to working on our issues that ANYTHING shifted. It included him being honest with an encounter with a prostitute when I was pregnant, dating sites, porn etc etc etc etc.

 

I felt like I was going crazy. I knew there was something wrong but this completely blindsided me.

 

If there is one thing I could tell any man in your situation, it is not to avoid the conflict of being honest. Not to try to hide it and sweep it under the rug, and to GET ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL WHO ACTUALLY SPECIALIZES IN THIS.

 

Don't mess around with it either.