adna89 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 i used to live with my MIL,that obviously did not go well...thanks God we do not live together anymore,but every now and then me and my husband will start a fight about his mother or family.I feel like he has to prioritize me ,his new family..and he will get defensive every time i mention all the bad stuff his mom said to me,he will find excuses and say stuff like "she even said bad things to me her son,everyone has their faults".That just makes me angry since it feels like he is choosing her over me so then we start fighting.I know its my fault as well,past is past,but i can not get over the feeling me and our baby are nr 2 to him,and his mother is nr 1. Link to post Share on other sites
DeeplyMissHer Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Pick your battles. When my girlfriend (daughter's mother) and I were together the first time around and even this time around the relationship with the in-laws is shaky. I just learned to just keep my thoughts to myself and be civil. If she does something dangerous or in the moment say something. BUt otherwise say nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Don't mention all the bad stuff his mom said to you. If something new happens, feel free to say something - but don't bring up past problems. As you say, past is past. Focus on the actual problems which you have now. And make no mistake, these are problems with your husband - not your mother in law. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 Don't mention all the bad stuff his mom said to you. If something new happens, feel free to say something - but don't bring up past problems. As you say, past is past. Focus on the actual problems which you have now. And make no mistake, these are problems with your husband - not your mother in law. I understand this is the right thing to do,but i just hate to see how she manipulates him.Like just today she calls him and starts talking and crying about her other son who does not visit her often,she does that just to make my husband feel sorry about her...then my husband will say stuff like "both you and my brothers wife do not like our mother" etc....which is true,but she said to me things like i am dirt,my hubby would be better off with another woman,saying get out of my home to me and all that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 ...which is true,but she said to me things like i am dirt,my hubby would be better off with another woman,saying get out of my home to me and all that. She sounds evil and manipulative. Unfortunately, your insistence in dredging up past hurts make you seem as interested in being a victim as she is. You've now got some distance between you. Take the high road, let her wrestle in the mud... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caysey110504 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 i used to live with my MIL,that obviously did not go well...thanks God we do not live together anymore,but every now and then me and my husband will start a fight about his mother or family.I feel like he has to prioritize me ,his new family..and he will get defensive every time i mention all the bad stuff his mom said to me,he will find excuses and say stuff like "she even said bad things to me her son,everyone has their faults".That just makes me angry since it feels like he is choosing her over me so then we start fighting.I know its my fault as well,past is past,but i can not get over the feeling me and our baby are nr 2 to him,and his mother is nr 1. ignore haters, dont let them affect you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 She sounds evil and manipulative. Unfortunately, your insistence in dredging up past hurts make you seem as interested in being a victim as she is. You've now got some distance between you. Take the high road, let her wrestle in the mud... Mr. Lucky No not really but i feel like my husband has forgot all that,and he only has the best to say about his mom now..even though we both had to argue with her all the time.I know it might not be healthy but i just get angry at him for this,and feel like he makes her priority now that he has left ...she will play the guilt card,every time she calls she cries and so on should i just ignore it? get out of the room when they talk or what Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I understand this is the right thing to do,but i just hate to see how she manipulates him.Like just today she calls him and starts talking and crying about her other son who does not visit her often,she does that just to make my husband feel sorry about her...then my husband will say stuff like "both you and my brothers wife do not like our mother" etc....which is true,but she said to me things like i am dirt,my hubby would be better off with another woman,saying get out of my home to me and all that. It sounds like your MIL is a meddling and disrespectful martyr. Unfortunately, mothers of sons frequently behave like this when their sons marry. It's usually because they feel displaced by the wives because they know the wives come first. I know that isn't an excuse but I just wanted to shed light on why your MIL acts this way. I completely understand why it would upset you that your husband doesn't put you first. However, bringing up past situations is not helpful. I would recommend marriage counseling for you and your husband to learn to be a united front. Your husband needs to realize that his role as a husband and father comes before anything else. Another issue is that he's accustomed to dealing with his mother whereas you are not, so that's why he is able to brush off her comments and behavior. With respect to the calls from your MIL, leaving the room when she calls is a great strategy until the two of you find a counselor that can help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 should i just ignore it? get out of the room when they talk or what Both good strategies . This isn't about you, it's about her manipulative neediness. The further away you stay from the vortex, the less chance you have of being sucked in. Put her on "ignore"... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 Both good strategies . This isn't about you, it's about her manipulative neediness. The further away you stay from the vortex, the less chance you have of being sucked in. Put her on "ignore"... Mr. Lucky True but my husband will fall for it,already now she has said she will come visit us 2 weeks to meet our baby,so i will have to deal with her now Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 True but my husband will fall for it,already now she has said she will come visit us 2 weeks to meet our baby,so i will have to deal with her now Then you and your husband need to be on the same page regarding the terms of the visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Reading your other posts...I think you're just as bad as his mom. If always looking to be miserable, you'll find it. She may be in the wrong but with all the things you've have posted about, I just don't see how your attitude is much better than hers. I personally think you put way to much effort into looking for other's than you do confronting your own. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I just looked at your other threads. I think it's time for this marriage to come to an end. Your husband has hit you twice. He is also a mama's boy who cares far more about pleasing his malevolent and manipulative mother than getting along with his wife. There is nothing healthy about this situation and it's only going to get worse. You've been posting about your in law problems for years and most in law issues are actually about the way the spouses handle conflict with their respective parents. You will always come second with a mama's boy who is afraid to set boundaries with his mother. My husband and I both have toxic mothers who are often very rude and insulting because they cannot control our lives. We both know that we cannot change our mothers so we distance ourselves from them. We do not stay in their homes overnight and they are not permitted to stay in ours. How our mothers feel about our boundaries is irrelevant. It is a consequence of their behavior and our way of protecting ourselves. My husband and I are no longer children who have no choice but to tolerate abuse from our mothers. Our marriage comes first. I wouldn't stay with a husband who allowed his mother to disrespect me repeatedly. Link to post Share on other sites
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