Husband's lady friend too flirty

[Killerqueen85]

I want to say I love my husband most ardently. He's the love of my life and I'm so happy! We have been together for 6 years and have 3 kids together. Around the time my oldest daughter was 5 months(she's 3 years old now) an old friend that he has known for 30 years started talking with him again. A first it was a 'Hey how are you?' kind of thing. Then she started asking him about me, then she was making comparisons between us, then she confessed to me that she has had a crush on him since she was a little girl. Then she REALLY started to flirt. She offered to send him nude photos. When he told me all this I got upset and questioned her motives. My husband told her that he was happy with me and didnt want to go there with her. After asking him again if he was 'Sure she couldn't send her pics' then she said she was kidding and that she wouldnt try anything. But she would ask him questions about our sex life...which I told him I didn't appreciate that talk. Then she decided to do a medical fellowship near us... turns out she loved 20 min from us. In that year she was here she would constantly send him flirty texts... constantly ask him to coffee, he would brush off her flirting and turn down her MANY offers of dinner and coffee. She would sometimes make comments about me like 'I dont know why your wife gets so jealous, we just text' and when her fellowship finished she texted 'its a shame your wife would never let us get coffee' then she had her 2nd child....she texts every now and then mentioning her crush on my husband and her 'what if' thoughts. He recently sent her a text (after her suggesting that her and him might have been happy) that I was the love of his life and he was extremely happy with me. She again said she was sorry for her what if ideas and that she was happy for us. This leads to just 3 days ago she was having a rough time at work and needed a pick me up...he sent her a pic of our 3 month old son. Then she asked if he would ever have dinner or a drink with her if she were passing through town...he said he would check with his better half...(ie me). Now my husband and I have spoken about this ALOT he has been very transparent with me shown me their texts and what not. He tells me everytime she texts and what she says. At this point after 3 years and many conversations, I'm to the point where I cant take it anymore. Do I ask my husband if I can have her number so I can chat with her? Do I ask him to stop contacting her? What do I do?

[MidwestUSA]

Your husband's been honest with you, as far as you know. But, given the nature of her requests, and her persistence, he needs to man up and block her from all means of contact.

 

You shouldn't have to ask, he should have done it long ago.

 

Questions about your sex life? Really? He doesn't see that as crossing a huge boundary (on top of the pic offer)?

[l8estnews]

What bothers me is why is your husband still entertaining the woman? She already crossed a lot of boundaries and constantly seducing your husband! That should've been a very, very solid reason to take her out of your life.

 

And this is a major issue for me: Why does he need to send a picture of your 3-month old son?! The girl is obviously disturbed.

 

Talk to your husband. Lay out your very solid points, and ask him to cut contact. If he refused, then your husband is also a problem.

[whichwayisup]

First off, they haven't "known" one another for 30 years, she is in his past and probably hasn't BEEN IN his life for 20 of them, so they don't know one another like they did when they were younger.

 

Fact is, she is NOT a friend now, she's a flirt, is interested in your husband and she will be a problem in your marriage if he doesn't say goodbye to her and close the door on that chapter of his life. I don't understand why people reach out after so many years, knowing full well that the other person is married with kids... It's just so selfish. Anyway, I doubt he's falling in love with her, but he for sure is LOVING the ego feed and attention of knowing she has the hots for him.

 

Anyway, your husband has to end it with her. You tell him he has a choice and be firm...MAKE IT CLEAR TO HIM that he must cut ties with her completely. If he doesn't then he can move out and go be with her.

 

Their friendship is selfish and self serving. It's damaging your marriage and he probably will get defensive and down play their friendship so make him understand that it hurts you that he is emotionally investing in another woman. Ask him how HE would feel if you were doing this with another man.

[Killerqueen85]

So we have talked.... I ask im what he says to her.... he point out that some (2) of my previous co-workers have made advances and he let's me deal with that without getting involved.... he has told her he ONLY wants frienship with her. He says he only tells me what she says cuz we have a transparent relstionship....he says he either blows of her advances or he tells her that he is happy with me....I mean he will give me his phone to show me... this usually happens every 3 to 6 months..... he usually laughs and says look what she said now.... Im at the point where I cant take it anymore....I thought maybe if we ALL went out together and she saw me she might stop texting him like that.... I dont want to ruin tjis relationship I love him I dont want to push him away by being over jealous. Im just lost on what to do... everytime we talk about this.... he says he's on a relationship with me not her.... that he loves me and only wants me. He would never ruin what we have. He says thats just how he deals with her flirting by blowing her off.... what else can I do or say?

[MidwestUSA]

He can't have ONLY friendship with her. 'Friends' don't cross marital boundaries like she has.

 

He's been truly disrespectful to you and your marriage by allowing this to continue. I suggest you both get into marriage counseling, and let a neutral third party point this out to him, as he's either really dense, or, as WWIU said, he's loving the ego strokes he's getting from her.

 

Sadly, the fact that he can't see this on his own means you're going to live the rest of your life in hyper-vigilant mode. He doesn't have proper boundaries.

[l8estnews]

Your husband thinks that being transparent and honest are the only things that matter.

 

He was honest with you and transparent about the information. BUT the information that he presented you IS A PROBLEM that needs to be fixed. You were able to determine the problem

 

1.) She's continuously making sexual advances to your husband.

2.) She doesn't care he's married.

3.) She is blatantly seducing your husband to stray.

 

It's like letting a thief in in your backyard but as long as your husband is not letting thief inside your home, that's okay.

 

He is taunting her.Which is not nice.

 

If this continue down the road, there's a possibility that she'll get what she wants. A one-time thing or an affair.

 

As the wife, stand your ground. BANISH THE WITCH. Don't let her be in communication with your husband.

[l8estnews]

S I dont want to ruin tjis relationship I love him I dont want to push him away by being over jealous. Im just lost on what to do... everytime we talk about this.... he says he's on a relationship with me not her.... that he loves me and only wants me. He would never ruin what we have. He says thats just how he deals with her flirting by blowing her off.... what else can I do or say?

 

Girl, you are not an over-jealous b*tch. Your husband is keeping a SEDUCER around, she is NOT a friend! This is the best time to be jealous (OMG! I can't believe this)

 

If he decided to meet her, even for a coffee or ANYTHING for that matter, have the courage to pack up and leave.

 

Ugh! The things LS issues do to me.

 

----

 

EDIT:

 

Since you have a transparent relationship, please show this thread to your husband.

 

 

Hi Mr. Hubby of Killerqueen85,

 

Your wife sounds like a very nice lady, and she is painting you as a good husband, too (Kudos!) but please, please! Listen to sense. You playing with fire will ruin this beautiful relation of yours. REPEL any possible dangers, and you continuously communicating with the friend of yours who is very TRANSPARENT as well in her motives, isn't helping. I know it feels nice for somebody to show their attraction to you. It validates your ego and self-esteem, but unfortunately this is also taking it's toll on your beautiful wife.

 

Mr. Hubby, this world is full of messed-up people. Cheating, lies, deceits. Parents abandoning their children, replacing spouses, hurting others..... We are not interfering with your marriage but consider this post as my attempt to preserve the VERY FEW marriages without the taint of cheating. You have a wonderful life, don't even let a small dent ruin your relationship.

 

More power to your marriage,

 

L8est

Edited November 17, 2016 by l8estnews

[elaine567]

He is keeping her sweet and really as his plan B.

He doesn't want to give up this woman as he knows she is besotted with him and if for any reason things were not good with you, he could pick her up in an instant, if he hasn't done so already.

The best way to hide something is in plain sight - all this "transparency" may just be a ploy, sorry to say.

 

Even if nothing is going on, YET, it is an accident waiting to happen.

He keeps giving her enough to keep her hanging on and given any opportunity...

The fault if any is to be doled out is NOT with her it is with HIM.

HE is the one you need to be talking to.

[What-2-Do]

He needs to break all ties with her. He clearly isn't acting out on it but he is def. flattered by the added attention.

[mikeylo]

Typical case of continuing his rendezvous right under your nose in the disguise of transperacy.

 

By him indulging her, he is not blowing her off. He is inviting her. He is taking you for a fool.

 

Blowing off would be to reject her blatantly , without sparing her feelings. Without thinking how or what she would feel. Of course she won't get off the first time but if he pushes the reject button in her face , she would vanish from the face of this earth BUT he isn't doing anything of the sort. HE is keeping her around.

[Mr. Lucky]

then she had her 2nd child....

 

Is she married? You should send these meet up/nude photo offers to her husband. He might be surprised...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

Is she married? You should send these meet up/nude photo offers to her husband. He might be surprised...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I call such women as cheap. Once a taken guy says that he is happy with his gf/ wife , a decent woman would disappear from his life. That only if he isn't indulging her. Since this guy says one thing but does something else , she is getting a free pass from him.

 

He says : I love my wife. I'm happy with her.

 

Then goes and rubs her back , gives a massage and sends pictures.

 

She : I love you.

 

He continues :I love my wife.

 

Continues massaging her.

 

Says to his wife : I told her that I love my wife but she won't stop!

 

If this woman has a husband , she will turn it around. Such low character people know how to, just like this guy.

[Herbalist]

There's another type of temptation at hand than just that of an affair.

 

For most people it would be quite the ego boost/stroking to have multiple suitors pining for them while their spouse is getting jealous. Talk about feeling all desired and wanted all the time, your husband probably feels like Mr Hotstuff Superstar.

 

Both men and women can give into this sort of temptation, I've seen some call the female version of it "having orbiters" where the woman likes having several guys around who she knows wants her and will jump when she snaps her fingers. So then there is the male version of this. It's the same thing, no matter one's gender.

 

It makes sense that it would tempt people, but when someone chooses to indulge in something like this, they do so sacrificing the stability and security of their marriage/relationship. There is also a darker, sadistic ego thing to it, as well. When someone feeds on the jealousy and worry in you as food for their own ego. That's a narcissist's game and is emotional abuse.

[JellyTot]

You are totally within your rights to ask your husband to cut contact with her. This is not you being jealous. This woman has a long history of inappropriate behavior towards your husband, and he is permitting it to continue (probably because he feels flattered by it). She is not a "friend" - she's trying to steal him and destroy your marriage.

 

In your situation I'd feel completely justified in giving an ultimatum that he has to cut her off completely or our marriage is over. I'd probably also contact her and threaten her that she had better stay the hell away from my husband or she'll be sorry!

[mikeylo]

You are totally within your rights to ask your husband to cut contact with her. This is not you being jealous. This woman has a long history of inappropriate behavior towards your husband, and he is permitting it to continue (probably because he feels flattered by it). She is not a "friend" - she's trying to steal him and destroy your marriage.

 

In your situation I'd feel completely justified in giving an ultimatum that he has to cut her off completely or our marriage is over. I'd probably also contact her and threaten her that she had better stay the hell away from my husband or she'll be sorry!

 

HE should be the one to spit on that woman without OP asking him to. He is throwing that woman in her face. He is juggling both of them. He is not hesitant to ruin his relationship. He has made the choice -- that woman is here to stay , under the disguise of ' friend'. OP needs to accept the ' friendship'. That's what he is doing and asking her , again, by sweet talking her by becoming a poor victim in the hands of flirty 'friend'.Really ? A woman can come and send him nudes and he is just a helpless victim ! Lmao.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think he's keeping her hanging on a bit because he likes being the object of her desire. He should nip it in the bud, it's not that he's doing anything horrible or cheating, but he needs to make a clean break because it isn't going to stop.

[S2B]

She isn't a friend of the marriage and she needs to go away.

 

Your husband should be doing more to eliminate this kind of "friend" -and protecting your marriage. And he shouldn't even need you to tell him that!

 

 

He's enjoying the ego feed...at the expense of your feelings. He may have boundary issues.

[KimJ1234]

This "friendship" is completely inappropriate and it's a matter of time before it becomes an affair.

I think you should be very clear to your husband how this is affecting you:

"This friendship you have is wrong because...."

"Your communication with her makes me feel....because...."

 

Lay it out in black and white to your husband. Don't tiptoe or hold anything back.

 

I think you should also confront the woman and let her know how inappropriate her actions are. Let her know what damage she is doing. Confront her!

 

IMO if someone has to hide their behaviour than its wrong. If I feel like I should be keeping something a secret from H then I shouldn't be doing it.

[mikeylo]

[quote name=KimJ1234

 

I think you should also confront the woman and let her know how inappropriate her actions are. Let her know what damage she is doing. Confront her!

 

[/quote]

 

She is not doing it on her own. The guy is giving her a free pass. If he was that concerned about his wife and relationship then this woman would have been long gone from the face of this earth.

 

 

He is going to lose respect of his wife. Such a weak man with low morals ! Once respect is gone , he is worthless in her wife's eyes!

 

A respectable man would never keep such low women as friends unless they themselves are wearing a mask of respectable person with a dirty core inside. This guy is one of those.

[BettyDraper]

What bothers me is why is your husband still entertaining the woman? She already crossed a lot of boundaries and constantly seducing your husband! That should've been a very, very solid reason to take her out of your life.

 

And this is a major issue for me: Why does he need to send a picture of your 3-month old son?! The girl is obviously disturbed.

 

Talk to your husband. Lay out your very solid points, and ask him to cut contact. If he refused, then your husband is also a problem.

 

I concur! Your husband should have cut off contact the minute this woman started overstepping boundaries.

It's clear that he likes the attention and relishes feeling like two women are fighting over him.

 

This is one situation where it is perfectly reasonable for one spouse to ask the other to end a "friendship."

She's a threat to your marriage and lacks respect for it. There is no reason why your husband should still be speaking to this fool.

[aileD]

She offered to send him nude photos. When he told me all this I got upset and questioned her motives. My husband told her that he was happy with me and didnt want to go there with her.

 

This is the point where H should have "handled" it himself.

 

As someone said "if she's not a friend of the marriage she is not a friend"

 

I would tell your husband this is really bothering you and ask him why your feelings don't matter? Two random guys hitting on you at work is not the same as three years worth of it from one person.

 

Ask your husband directly "why would you want to be friends with someone who wants to see our marriage fail? "

 

the problem right now isn't this woman, it's that your H is dismissing your feeling when you clearly stated to him the relationship bothers you

 

That should be enough for him to end it.

[Grapesofwrath]

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. A quick and easy read that will help you both understand why this relationship is damaging to your marriage.

[Noirek]

I agree your husband is the problem not this woman. He should have shut her down permanently long ago. This is more than being a "nice guy". This is poor boundaries and inconsiderate to you.

 

Marriages have been destroyed by careless behaviour like this. Deal with it now. Don't let it fester until it becomes more.

[mikeylo]

Two random guys hitting on you at work is not the same as three years worth of it from one person.

 

the problem right now isn't this woman, it's that your H is dismissing your feeling when you clearly stated to him the relationship bothers you

 

That should be enough for him to end it.

 

I missed the random guys hitting on her. Well, those guys were hitting on you OP. You were not initiating, flirting , offering to send your nudes etc. You probably handled by rejecting them their advances and not enjoying the unwanted attention. OTOH, your husband is initiating, enjoying and encouraging the other woman. He is using the random guy situation to his advantage.

 

He is emotionally abusing you.

 

Doesn't he know himself that his behavior is disgusting and he is destroying his relationship over a cheap woman? Does he have no ability to judge a woman's character?

 

He is choosing to keep the side dish because it's cheap and spicy. A strong character is hard. He will regret big time the day OP loses respect and love for him. How is he going to regain ? Job of a lifetime!

 

OP, it's not about you. You are not jealous. He is emotionally abusing you. I'm sorry to say but he is low character just like that woman. We choose 'friends' who are like us, don't we? There you have it!

 

Anyway, why does he need to keep this woman as a friend ? Choice of friends says a lot about people in general. You can't choose family but friends you can. He is making a conscious choice.

Edited November 18, 2016 by mikeylo