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15 year marriage, now she's opened it


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My wife and I have been together monogamously since our teens, married for 15 years and we have kids. Our relationship has struggled over time and should have got help years ago, drifting apart, taking each other for granted. We are getting help now but may be too late to salvage our marriage. That said we love each other and are best friends, have mutual respect and really don't fight.

 

But our issues came to a head where she declare its over, but wants to stayed married and raise our kids together, only she wants to open our marriage. [don't ask, don't tell]. I'd rather not but do want to raise our kids together and maybe it would be exciting to see other women. I don't want divorce.

 

She hasn't acted on this yet, we're very truthful to each other, but that said, she's hot and won't have any issue hooking up when she wants. I'm no slouch, I'm in shape but its not going to be quite as easy for me.

 

The crazy thing is she doesn't seem to plan to act on this but due to our past martial issues just wants to make sure its open. She honestly tells me its okay for me to see other women. Somehow it hurts me that she's okay with this. I'm working on it and coming to terms but its like having someone you know die but somehow at the same time didn't. There's someone I could probably get with but was asked not to because we're in the same circles. Part of me understands that but another thinks f-that, I didn't ask for this and if its going to be [don't ask, don't tell], why not. Well, the reason not is it would be bad if others found out but discretion could prevent that.

 

I'm confused and really can't believe this is my reality. So many couples cheat then break up. This is lets do as we please but stay together. Maybe it'll work but its crazy. What do you think?

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GorillaTheater
Maybe it'll work but its crazy. What do you think?

 

 

Too crazy for me. It's this what you want your marriage to look like?

 

 

And yeah, she's already opened the marriage up and hasn't told you until now. And sure she wants you to get with other women; it'll lessen her guilt over what she's already doing.

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Man,

 

You really really better do some research here my friend. You, like most men, have absolutely no clue what you are getting in to. Lets start with the basics:

(1) she is already "checked out of the marriage", and wants to 'cake eat" and have the security of her home life and be able to have boyfriends:

(2) you really got no say in what she is going to do. You got told.

(3) you have no idea what "open marraige' or polyamory really is.

 

So here is the crash course.

 

(1) the only thing you got right was that she is hot and she will have no trouble finding guys to hook up with. That would be true even if she was not that "hot", men do not care if a woman is married. It is NSA free sex and 95% of the guys she might want to hook up with will jump at the chance.

 

(2) you think you are in great shape so it will be fine for you too. Wait until you find out how many women as a percentage want any part of you when you tell the you are married and in an open relationship.

 

(3) women very rarely are able to carry on sexual relationship with other men without becoming emotionally involved. So your DADT that you think will just be a ONS or something once in a while will evolve into

 

** you sitting there baby sitting while she pretties herself up and marches out right in front of you for sex with other men. how do you explain that one to the kids.???

** next she will want to spend the nights with him and not come home

** then you will be told she wants you to meet him because she ;loves him too and it would be better if you meet. Remember, she is only staying for the kids.

** then will come overnight trips on week ends.

 

And the list goes on and on. Does that all sound great. if so, proceed to stand for this.

 

if you doubt what I am saying, there are sites on Polyamory that you can visit and read what happens to men whop settle for this new relationship with for the kids or just to have still a sex partner that they will share.

 

i also suggest you buy two books called

 

"opening Up"

"more Than Two".

 

So do your research before you agree to anything. very few men can remain comfortable knowing that while they are downstairs their wife is upstairs sexting or searching for more boyfriends online, and understand that these relationships do NOT have a higher success rate because all the rules agreed to in the beginning go out the window eventually.

 

Women totally control non monogamy and your wife may have already been to these sites or read some books or gotten the recommendation from her friends. And like others have said, just because she has not acted yet ( if that is true) does not mean there is not someone already picked out

 

Asking or announcing an open marriage is NOT uncommon after the cheating, either emotional or physical has already started.

 

if you are smart you will be asking if you can deal with this and if you really believe bringing your children up around this is such a great idea. Do not use them as an excuse to be a doormat.

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I know it appears that I'm naive, but I'm not. We have a really honest relationship. I do believe she's telling the truth. We've shared things together that would make it odd to hide that infidelity has already happened.

 

Ive been reading up a lot on this.

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I know it appears that I'm naive, but I'm not. We have a really honest relationship. I do believe she's telling the truth. We've shared things together that would make it odd to hide that infidelity has already happened.

 

Ive been reading up a lot on this.

 

Check your phone bill.

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I say go for it. If you're both honest about it and the marriage is in stasis anyway but you're staying together for the kids ....well that's way better than what happens to ppl who just plain get stuck in marriages for kids, which is undesired celibacy. Your situ could be a lot worse.

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Let's assume for the moment that she hasn't already acted on this. Let's assume you agree to open the marriage (frankly, IMO it would be far better to divorce and do the best you can to coparent).

 

 

First of all, DADT isn't really going to work. She'll obviously be going out hunting, or on a date, so will have to tell you she'll be out - and vice versa. You'll both know when this happens, because you have to ensure someone is home for the kids.

 

 

Second, whether she goes out hunting, or goes online, within hours she'll find a date. When you do the same you be competing against every other single guy and a good many married ones. Women have their choice, and unless you already have someone who would jump at the chance to fool around with you, you will spend months finding anyone, and may not. You might have some luck going out, but if you are honest about your status, you will have very little luck finding anyone. She could have a different guy every week, or find a long-term lover easily - it depends on how picky she wants to be, and what she wants from this.

 

 

Unless you don't care that you will have little or no success with an open marriage, and she will have as much as she wants, then divorce is a better option and provides a much more level playing field for finding someone else longer term.

 

 

Bottom line: don't agree to an open marriage in this scenario. Stay married (and live with the consequences) or get divorced.

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Prepare for divorce

 

Even if she says she doesn't want it it's only because she hasn't found someone else to take care of her and the kids yet.

 

Once something better comes along she will drop you for him.

Guaranteed

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Open marriages can work. I'm not going to say it'll be easy, but it's definitely doable...with caveats. IMO, successful open relationships/marriages are ones where both people are Secure in their current relationship. They know at the end of the day their relationship with each other is primary and takes precedence over others. That is no small feat. Even strong relationships encounter bumps along the way, and staying ahead of them is easier said than done.

 

Your relationship isn't strong, it's failing. Her suggestion to remain married is as much for convenience as it is for the kids. You are entertaining this idea because having some of her is better than none of her. (I can't help but wonder if you are hoping she will sow a few wild oats and then settle back down. If so, please don't. Doing so will only hurt you more.) Now, provided you are still onboard, establish clear, mutual boundaries.

 

As crazy as this sounds, have you considered drawing up a contract? I'm not a lawyer and have no idea whether or not a contract would be at all helpful, but it certainly can't hurt, especially if things don't work out as intended.

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Let's face it man, she's already off the reservation.

 

Turn the tables on her. See how she likes it. Don't come home from work tonight. Instead go to a bar and seek out some strange. Come home later smelling like some other woman's perfume. Smile at her and thank her for your new found freedom.

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It would not be for me.

 

And, I would ask if you think this is a healthy family unit in which to raise your kids? What exactly would you be teaching them/would they be learning about marriage? I personally would want to model a healthy relationship for my kids or I would want to separate and coparenting in a healthy, supportive manner. If your kids are aware of this "arrangement," I can only imagine how it will shape what they think about relationships.

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But our issues came to a head where she declare its over, but wants to stayed married and raise our kids together, only she wants to open our marriage.

 

There's a difference between an open marriage and permission to cheat - which is what she wants. The former requires a very strong relationship, the latter thrives on weakness.

 

As is often said, the person in a relationship who cares the least has the most power. In trying to dictate this absurd twist, she's attempting to drive home the point.

 

Since you seem to be against it, why would you even entertain the thought?

 

Repeat after me - not just "no", "hell no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

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JoeSmith357-1

Seriously, what exactly are you getting out of this if you stay with her??

 

I'm generalizing here, but I am guessing you make more than her, so you are spending 1/3-1/2 of your paycheck subsidizing her while she goes out and has other dudes rail her?

 

Divorce this cheater (she's already banging other dudes, almost guaranteed), and go find someone who you can trust.

 

Your kids also need to understand that mommy is an unfaithful cheater

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I had a crappy marriage for the longest time. I finally fixed it (I was too beta). Although in a great place now, I wonder if it was worth the time invested. Did I waste the best years of my life when I could have found a much better situation?

 

But in your sitch, there is no way I'd allow my wife to bang another man. I suggest you stand up for yourself.

 

What would another man give her that you're not giving her?

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Yeah, it would be great if she was not lying to you from the very start.

 

She already has at least one BF and maybe some GF's. If you are cool with that then go ahead.

 

The problem I have is that she is lying already. Don't think for an instant that she is not.

 

Yes I am sorry but you are naïve about all of it.

 

You really would be better off divorcing and being single.

 

For me, I would go for some of this in a heartbeat. But that is just me.

 

The lying is the issue, she is just playing you. She probably thinks you won't find anyone to have sex with you...

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I know it appears that I'm naive, but I'm not. We have a really honest relationship. I do believe she's telling the truth. We've shared things together that would make it odd to hide that infidelity has already happened.

 

Ive been reading up a lot on this.

 

You know how many betrayed spouses said this exact same thing only to find out to their horror and confusion that affairs had been going on for a long time right under their noses?

 

Start sleuthing.

 

And she will get 10x as many partners as you will, so if you want to watch her get dressed up and primped to go out and bang other guys on a weekly basis, while you stay home and whack your pud, then agree to this insanity. I say stick a fork in the marriage and move on.

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My wife and I have been together monogamously since our teens, married for 15 years and we have kids. Our relationship has struggled over time and should have got help years ago, drifting apart, taking each other for granted. We are getting help now but may be too late to salvage our marriage. That said we love each other and are best friends, have mutual respect and really don't fight.

 

But our issues came to a head where she declare its over, but wants to stayed married and raise our kids together, only she wants to open our marriage. [don't ask, don't tell]. I'd rather not but do want to raise our kids together and maybe it would be exciting to see other women. I don't want divorce.

 

She hasn't acted on this yet, we're very truthful to each other, but that said, she's hot and won't have any issue hooking up when she wants. I'm no slouch, I'm in shape but its not going to be quite as easy for me.

 

The crazy thing is she doesn't seem to plan to act on this but due to our past martial issues just wants to make sure its open. She honestly tells me its okay for me to see other women. Somehow it hurts me that she's okay with this. I'm working on it and coming to terms but its like having someone you know die but somehow at the same time didn't. There's someone I could probably get with but was asked not to because we're in the same circles. Part of me understands that but another thinks f-that, I didn't ask for this and if its going to be [don't ask, don't tell], why not. Well, the reason not is it would be bad if others found out but discretion could prevent that.

 

I'm confused and really can't believe this is my reality. So many couples cheat then break up. This is lets do as we please but stay together. Maybe it'll work but its crazy. What do you think?

 

A lot of times when people don't want to face the facts and feel too weak, lazy and powerless to fix the situation, the dream up justifications to cover their weakness and their reluctance to face the unpleasant truths and take the actions needed to extricate themselves from that jam.

 

You have a tremendous amount of that taking place here. You are almost completely delusional in your self-deception.

 

Lets break this down point by point and run everything you have said above through what Chumplady calls the Universal BullSht Translator -

 

- She is already very involved with one or more men and is screwing him/them regularly. You either already know this as fact or should know this if you were to take some responsibility to find the truth.

 

- she has had no attraction, desire, respect or admiration for you for a long time and you know this as well but that is a very painful realization to face.

 

- She has no desire for you, respect for you or sexual attraction for you, but she wants to maintain her current lifestyle and have you continue to pay the bills, unclog the toilet, keep the cars running and be a live in babysitter that will take care of the kids and give them their evening baths and put them to bed while she is out screwing this other man/men like a porn star.

 

- As a married man in an open marriage, you will have very little success or opportunity in getting other women. Honest to God, you will stand a better chance if you pretend to be cheating and say that your wife doesn't know (see my thread about open marriage and APs in the sexuality section if you don't believe me. read it for yourself).

 

- your wife knows you wont be able to get anyone so she feels perfectly secure in saying you can try.

 

- However... she doesn't want you hooking up with that chick that you think you may stand a chance with. (see who is wearing the pants in your house?)

 

- The fact she says you can chase other women is because she has lost all love and devotion and attraction and respect for you. The reason it hurts you is because you realize she has no more feelings for you.

 

- your death analogy is spot on. The marriage you may have had and the marriage you thought you had is dead. I am sorry.

 

- This arrangement is not "crazy." it is well planned, well thought out and well orchestrated - by your wife. She knows that you are weak and knows that you will delude yourself in believing what she says and doing what she suggests because she knows you do not like to face difficult and painful decisions and do not doing things that are uncomfortable and difficult. She knows you would rather stay home and keep doing your household chores at night while she is out screwing other men and tasting their semen on her breath when you kiss her good night, rather than go through the unpleasantness of calling out her atrocious behavior and doing anything about it.

 

- yes most other couples cheat and then break up. That is because people with strength and integrity and self respect do not tolerate unacceptable behavior and do not allow themselves to be exploited and manipulated.

 

- This arrangement can work.....as long as you do not grow a spine and stand up for yourself. As long as you pick up her semen-stained underwear off of the floor and put them in the laundry like a good boy after she comes home from a date and don't make a fuss about it, it will all work fine......for her.

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I'm confused and really can't believe this is my reality.

 

You're not confused. You know exactly what the score is. You are intentionally avoiding facing the realities of your situation so as to avoid difficult and unpleasant actions.

 

You are choosing the path of least resistance. You are choosing to be weak and lazy and passive instead of standing up for yourself and facing difficult truths.

 

All that is required for evil to thrive is for good people to do nothing.

 

You are choosing to do nothing because standing up to this evil will involve hardship, effort, pain and unpleasantness.

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My wife and I have been together monogamously since our teens,

 

You may have been monogamous since your teens. she has not.

 

This is not something that a wife just comes home one day and announces out of the blue.

 

To be this bold and brazen and callous about presenting this, she has been getting down with a number of men over a good number of years and has gotten to the point she simply doesn't care any more whether you like it or not.

 

Open your eyes and see.

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But our issues came to a head where she declare its over, but wants to stayed married and raise our kids together, only she wants to open our marriage. [don't ask, don't tell]. I'd rather not but do want to raise our kids together and maybe it would be exciting to see other women. I don't want divorce.

 

 

This is a very important question that you need to think very seriously about.

 

Noone likes the idea of not having their kids in their own home 24/7, but other that the inconvenience of having shared custody and dropping kids off at scheduled times and figuring out who has the kids on what holidays, is there any valid reason that you two could not have a completely cooperative, coparenting relationship and raise the kids effectively from two separate houses?

 

Other than inconvenience and a little extra work, is there any reason that could not be done?

 

You two are already only living as roommates sharing household expenses and chores and she is already involved with another man/men. Is there any reason you could not continue to do so from another house?

 

Seriously, is there?

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One thing that gets to me on these threads ... is the comment of "you'll be babysitting while she's out with other men"

 

You don't babysit your own children

 

It's called looking after your kids, just like the mother does.

 

Who would ever say "your husband is out cheating while you babysit?"

 

Why the outright sexism!

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