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I feel like I'm no longer in love with my wife.


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I been together with my wife for 12 years, and havemarried for 8. We are both 36. We have three kids, a house, and both have full time jobs. Our two oldest kids are in sports. Hockey in the winter, lacrosse in the summer.

 

My wife and I most separated last year. We have had our ups and downs beside, but last year was serious.

 

We decided to give it one more try, but I told her that if doesn't work this time, then that's it. Everything has been going good for the last year, but the past few months, I feel as though it's slowing down again. We are so busy with work and sports, that we don't have any time for ourselves. Even a home renovation has been dragging on for 4 months, because there is absolutely no time for it.

 

Lately, I find that I am falling out of love with my wife. I mean, I still love her, but, I feel as though I no longer want to be married. I'm not saying that, because I want to go pursue other woman, because I don't. I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Sex has become such a routine thing, that I'm so bored with it. I don't even care if I have it.

 

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this, and what they did about it? I'm going to get a referral from my doctor, to see a marriage counsellor, but I just thought I would get others opinions first.

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Do you ever do things for yourself? Travel by yourself? Have hobbies? Is everything you do centered around home/kids/responsibilities?

 

I would lay money on the fact that you haven't fallen out of love with your life. You've fallen out of love with life.

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MC...

 

You will get out of the relationship what you put in to the relationship.

 

You need to make time for each other. You each should be each other's priority. Yes life gets busy kids, work, activities and you are exhausted but love, passion will grow when you put the time in to it. That is essential.

 

Also have your own activities that you enjoy individually. Something that is just for you and something that is for both of you.

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It sounds like the two of you are killing yourselves for work and extra curricular activities. So make some changes. Prioritise yourselves and your marriage.

 

I don't know if it will work for you, we had strict limitations on extra curricular activities for the kids. My normal (for want of a better word) child was only permitted do one sport at a time. My disabled child (who wasn't interested in anything other than Google) was only given one therapy a week (with months long breaks thrown in here and there). And I wasn't one to be driving around to play dates each afternoon.

 

Meanwhile, when my husband was your age, he refused to work extensive hours unless it is for a short term project. Jobs which involved travel were out of the question.

 

As a society, I think we are putting too much on our plates and underestimating the importance of downtime and togetherness.

 

Pull back from being so busy. Learn to say No. And reconnect with each other.

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Easier said than done to pull back a little, but what the other posters have said is true. Sometimes, you get so busy with work and kids that you disconnect from your partner. If you spend some more time together and remember what brought you together, you may be able to get that back. Good luck.

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We decided to give it one more try, but I told her that if doesn't work this time, then that's it. Everything has been going good for the last year, but the past few months, I feel as though it's slowing down again. We are so busy with work and sports, that we don't have any time for ourselves. Even a home renovation has been dragging on for 4 months, because there is absolutely no time for it.

 

Lately, I find that I am falling out of love with my wife. I mean, I still love her, but, I feel as though I no longer want to be married. I'm not saying that, because I want to go pursue other woman, because I don't. I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Sex has become such a routine thing, that I'm so bored with it. I don't even care if I have it.

 

.

 

 

Honest question here - If you were to divorce, would you be any less busy or have any more time and freedom on your hands?

 

Will a divorce actually help anything or will it make life more complicated, busy and difficult?

 

When you factor in the cost of divorce, the loss of her income and the shuffling of kids between your two homes etc, will you be any less busy and really have any more leisure time on your hands?

 

Assuming joint, shared custody, would you have to pay any spousal or child support in your jurisdiction? Would a divorce improve your financial situation or make it worse?

 

Would you walk away from the house and sell it for whatever it's market value is in it's current state of incompletion, or would you have to finish the updates anyway?

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Yeah, that's what's hard, is, I don't want to pull the sports away from the kids. I never had the opportunity to play when I was young, so I really don't want my kids to miss out.

 

And like I said, I'm going to be going to a marriage counsellor, and see what can happen from that. Maybe I'm just going through something.

 

I appreciate all the input and advice.

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Please listen, the things that you are going through are normal to an extent. But they are not good in any way.

 

What happens is that you and your wife are in a stale period. I will lay you odds that if you tried you could both find something that you are involved in or doing that you could cut out of the routine so that you two could spend some quality grown up time together.

 

That is the first thing, next, you get what you put into your marriage just like anything else. You have to make the effort to provide romance and attention for each other.

 

Think about this, so far unless you are not telling us everything that is relevant, neither of you have had an affair, neither of you is a drug addict or a drunk, the kids are healthy, you have good jobs, there is no major issue except the routine and the boredom.

 

So, you need to realize that, at this point, it is really no where near as bad as it could be, trust me. So that is a big plus, and if you and the wife can pull you heads out you guys can have a great marriage.

 

So the sex is dull. OK, when is the last time that you, surprised your wife with a small piece of jewelry and took her out to her favorite nice restaurant for a romantic dinner? And, I am not saying for birthdays or anything like that, just because. I thought so.

 

Next, when you made love the last time, did you do any thing special? Did you take time to provide say a few orgasms for her orally or play with any toys or whatever? Did you take time to make sure the kids were gone or under control and tell them that mom and dad were having some alone time. Have you taken time to provide her with a soothing body massage and tease her while you are doing it.

 

When is the last time you took her to a decent hotel for a sat. night love fest with a bottle of wine?

 

Well buddy, if you have not done any of these things in a while, you are not doing it right. Think about that.

 

You guys are young and you should be screwing like bunnies all the time, if your not something is wrong.

 

My wife and I have been through hell in so many ways, and we are getting back on track. We are in out 50's and we try to make love everyday. We try to get away from the house and spend the night somewhere just locally. We call those our sex weekend getaways. Basically we just chill out and have sex all day. It is such a joy to be away from the kids and the house and make love.

 

What I am saying is that all the busyness and stuff that goes on is always not necessary. You can cut back on that and use that time to feed and water your marriage.

 

What do you think life would be like if you get a divorce?

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Lately, I find that I am falling out of love with my wife. I mean, I still love her, but, I feel as though I no longer want to be married. I'm not saying that, because I want to go pursue other woman, because I don't. I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Sex has become such a routine thing, that I'm so bored with it. I don't even care if I have it.

 

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this, and what they did about it? I'm going to get a referral from my doctor, to see a marriage counsellor, but I just thought I would get others opinions first.

 

"...the love you take is equal to the love you make..."

 

You seem to see love as a noun, the state of being in love and early in a relationship this is true for most people.

 

But after 12 years love is a verb, an action, it's a choice you make in big and small pieces every single day. The math is pretty simple, the more you give the more you get back.

 

Hopefully MC will help you find a way...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Honest question here - If you were to divorce, would you be any less busy or have any more time and freedom on your hands?

 

Will a divorce actually help anything or will it make life more complicated, busy and difficult?

 

When you factor in the cost of divorce, the loss of her income and the shuffling of kids between your two homes etc, will you be any less busy and really have any more leisure time on your hands?

 

Assuming joint, shared custody, would you have to pay any spousal or child support in your jurisdiction? Would a divorce improve your financial situation or make it worse?

 

Would you walk away from the house and sell it for whatever it's market value is in it's current state of incompletion, or would you have to finish the updates anyway?

 

When we almost separated a year ago, we both agreed that we weren't going to fight over the kids. We wanted to stay as civil as possible. And I'm not saying I want a divorce, which is why I'm going to see a councillor.

 

When it comes to the house, last time, I told her I would sign it over to her. I didn't want anything, other then my tools and my clothes, and that's it. She even offered to buy me out, but I refused. I told her that if she sold it, that she put the money she would have gave me from the sale, to the kids, in a trust fund. All I asked was she gave me some time to get things situated for myself.

 

I'm not a materialistic person. I came from nothing. I have three brothers, and we never had anything growing up. My wife understood that, and she excepted it. I'm happy we were able to work things out, and the past year has been great, but like I said, I find things are going back to the way they were before, and I wanted advice.

 

It's different getting advice from people you don't know. I find a lot of my guy friends say that if I get a divorce, I can play the field. That's not me. I'd take time, and regroup, and find myself. But that's besides the point.

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I think someone here said that Dr. Phil has a saying that "It's better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else".

 

I divorced and am happier alone. We co-parent our kids together and they are thriving and doing well. My ex-H has remarried (someone who's a better fit for him) and I hope to get married again someday if the right person shows up, but if they don't, that's okay too.

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I think someone here said that Dr. Phil has a saying that "It's better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else".

 

I divorced and am happier alone. We co-parent our kids together and they are thriving and doing well. My ex-H has remarried (someone who's a better fit for him) and I hope to get married again someday if the right person shows up, but if they don't, that's okay too.

 

And see, that's where I'm totally lost. Will I be better off alone?

 

If you don't mind me asking, who decided to separate in your marriage? What led up to it?

 

I've always told myself I'll never get married again. I used to be a real push over in my marriage, and I was always, yes dear, no dear. Then one day, I just had enough, and that's what led up to things the first time.

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And see, that's where I'm totally lost. Will I be better off alone?

 

If you don't mind me asking, who decided to separate in your marriage? What led up to it?

 

I've always told myself I'll never get married again. I used to be a real push over in my marriage, and I was always, yes dear, no dear. Then one day, I just had enough, and that's what led up to things the first time.

 

I decided and it was lovelessness that made me decide. He wasn't all that loving to me (even mean) and it got worse over time until I decided that I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that. There were a lot of good things about him but he wasn't my ideal of loving, so I ended it. I felt like a weight was lifted afterwards. We were married 15 years. It took that long for me to clear my head.

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20 yrs...3 kids..multiple sports, all 3 in high level hockey...travel baseball....football.. We survived, but we throttled back on the sports as my wife was getting lost about 5 yrs ago. 1 travel sport per kid from us...the rest are on them (we don't feel obligated to watch or participate)...it was the best thing we ever did.

 

If you don't keep your relationship alive, then when the kids are grown, you will have nothing left between you two. You must tell her how you feel....not the ILYBNILWY part.... then start doing stuff with just her and you...no matter what it is.

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20 yrs...3 kids..multiple sports, all 3 in high level hockey...travel baseball....football.. We survived, but we throttled back on the sports as my wife was getting lost about 5 yrs ago. 1 travel sport per kid from us...the rest are on them (we don't feel obligated to watch or participate)...it was the best thing we ever did.

 

Agreed, had two kids on traveling softball/baseball teams. You have to find a middle ground or it will swallow you alive. Can also foster some resentment if you have other kids not as athletically gifted or committed. I was amazed at the degree to which some parents were willing sacrifice every other activity in their lives...

 

Mr. Lucky

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MidnightBlue1980
I been together with my wife for 12 years, and havemarried for 8. We are both 36. We have three kids, a house, and both have full time jobs. Our two oldest kids are in sports. Hockey in the winter, lacrosse in the summer.

 

My wife and I most separated last year. We have had our ups and downs beside, but last year was serious.

 

We decided to give it one more try, but I told her that if doesn't work this time, then that's it. Everything has been going good for the last year, but the past few months, I feel as though it's slowing down again. We are so busy with work and sports, that we don't have any time for ourselves. Even a home renovation has been dragging on for 4 months, because there is absolutely no time for it.

 

Lately, I find that I am falling out of love with my wife. I mean, I still love her, but, I feel as though I no longer want to be married. I'm not saying that, because I want to go pursue other woman, because I don't. I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Sex has become such a routine thing, that I'm so bored with it. I don't even care if I have it.

 

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this, and what they did about it? I'm going to get a referral from my doctor, to see a marriage counsellor, but I just thought I would get others opinions first.

 

Yes. We went through this and ended up each having an affair. We decided against MC and decided the $150 a week was better spent on a date alone. You are probably just drowning in the typical work, kids, sports thing - many of us are in that situation.

Do you have a date night?

Our money is tight but we now spend a lot of time alone together. Our entire marriage is like a different relationship.

Have you mentioned any of this to your wife?

You are hardly alone at this stage in your life.

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Yeah, that's what's hard, is, I don't want to pull the sports away from the kids. I never had the opportunity to play when I was young, so I really don't want my kids to miss out.

 

And like I said, I'm going to be going to a marriage counsellor, and see what can happen from that. Maybe I'm just going through something.

 

I appreciate all the input and advice.

 

Well something has to give.

 

Will you choose your marriage or the amount of time you spend doing stuff for the kids/other busy stuff? I've always believed that a strong family unit is more important for kids than extra curricular activities.

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ShatteredLady
Yeah, that's what's hard, is, I don't want to pull the sports away from the kids. I never had the opportunity to play when I was young, so I really don't want my kids to miss out.

I appreciate all the input and advice.

 

 

So you think a child would rather keep the opportunity to play sports than have a complete family unit?

 

How is your life going to be better divorcing the love of your life, the mother of your children, fighting over split custody & dividing-up a lifetime of memory treasures? Boredom is a really bad reason for divorce!!

 

Many families are in a similar situation to you. Do you carpool & take it in turns with parents of other kids on the teams? You could have sleepovers on Saturday night. Pizza, popcorn & a movie. Then it's another families turn & you can do something fun with your wife!!

 

We are creatures of habit but routine can be monotonous. Work as a team with your wife. Why not make a 'bucket list' together? Big things that you can research & plan together. Little things that you can have fun doing.

 

My husband & I realized that we were happier in a single bed & a cheap CD player than we are in a huge house with top of the range everything. When was the last time you spent a whole day naked in bed just talking, laughing, making love & listening to music?

 

Why don't you start by both taking a 'sick day'? Nice warm bubble bath, massage with oils, a trip down memory lane with your favorite music from 'back in the day'....Reminiscing & planning for a happy family future. :love:

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Yeah, that's what's hard, is, I don't want to pull the sports away from the kids. I never had the opportunity to play when I was young, so I really don't want my kids to miss out.

 

If you don't put some energy into your marriage, you'll be dropping the kids off at sports, your ex-wife's new boyfriend will be picking them up...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If you don't put some energy into your marriage, you'll be dropping the kids off at sports, your ex-wife's new boyfriend will be picking them up...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's funny.

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Thegameoflife

OP, What's your role in your household? From what you've said, you have no role in your household. You're not the leader or the primary caregiver to your kids. Other than making money, driving kids around, and providing physical labour, what the hell is your purpose? You're living for everyone else, and that is why you're miserable. You also seem pretty smart and reflective; how much time do you spend talking to your wife about anything that isn't about people, what your kids are doing, or events. Find your role.

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OP, What's your role in your household? From what you've said, you have no role in your household. You're not the leader or the primary caregiver to your kids. Other than making money, driving kids around, and providing physical labour, what the hell is your purpose? You're living for everyone else, and that is why you're miserable. You also seem pretty smart and reflective; how much time do you spend talking to your wife about anything that isn't about people, what your kids are doing, or events. Find your role.

 

To be honest, I have no idea. We used to talk, all the time...when there was time. Now, I fell as though there's nothing to talk about, unless it's sports, kids, work, etc.

 

But I get what you're saying.

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It sounds like your needs were not met for a while, that things have been on your wife's terms a fair bit? I don't think you're just "falling out of love", I think you maybe you don't like your life all that much either? Sex isn't going to be great if you're disconnected from your partner and really busy. Is she trying to connect with you? Does she ask how you are, genuinely? Does she show interest in your day and life? Do you talk about anything that's not kids/work/renovations etc? Give any compliments? Cuddle in bed at night? Hold hands now and then or any affectionate little gestures of body language?

Relationships only feel alive for me if my needs are being met (and theirs) and we are not just respectful to each other but sweet, loving, affectionate. When we lie down in bed and talk about things that are just us, or how we feel about each other, even if it's just a comment or 2, something we appreciate or noticed about the person that day. One little comment or resting a hand on the person, can make way for a bit of connection.

I have only been in my current relationship for a year but I was married 8 years and with ex husband for 12 years. I was 28 when we divorced a year ago and he was 36. My new relationship definitely shows me what I was missing. Of course the honeymoon period doesn't last, but some affection and a little passion should remain.

 

I can't comprehend how kids would affect the situation as my ex husband refused to have children so I have none. He also refused to buy a house with me, and then refused to work at all and I spent all my time working and doing college and supporting us. He was also abusive. But even through all that crap, I still managed to salvage little bits of connection and romance now and then. Until I completely gave up and made him get out and never spoke to him again. Some might think that's easy in that situation to divorce, but it was my normal for 12 years. Some people will wonder how anyone can stay in a disconnected/loveless marriage, while others feel it's normal and put up with it forever. Only you can make the choice, it sounds like you're taking the right steps and seeking help. Maybe they can help you both communicate better and figure out exactly what each of your needs are and if they can be met by each other.

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lillybelle, that was a great post...

 

This is what I was trying to say with my post to this thread. And it has to come from both partners in a marriage.

 

Both of them have to do these things FOR each other or somebody, probably both are not getting their needs met. It is a sure recipe for disaster.

 

Good job...

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