Wookin Pa Nub Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Hopefully this doesn't sound too weird. I am mid 40s and on medication that has absolutely zapped any desire to have sex. I don't even get morning wood anymore. Compounding that is 1. our schedules don't line up as I get up early to workout, work long hours then go to bed early and 2. my wife has put on a good deal of weight, mostly in mid section and I just don't have the urges to sex her. On one hand she is pretty conservative and religious but she has a pretty strong sex drive and can pretty wild sometimes, more so than what someone who knows her would expect. I am not sure I satisfy her most of the time anyway. Although I am not sure I would be ok with it, I am curious what her response would be if I said she can find another guy to meet her needs. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Hopefully this doesn't sound too weird. I am mid 40s and on medication that has absolutely zapped any desire to have sex. I don't even get morning wood anymore. Compounding that is 1. our schedules don't line up as I get up early to workout, work long hours then go to bed early and 2. my wife has put on a good deal of weight, mostly in mid section and I just don't have the urges to sex her. On one hand she is pretty conservative and religious but she has a pretty strong sex drive and can pretty wild sometimes, more so than what someone who knows her would expect. I am not sure I satisfy her most of the time anyway. Although I am not sure I would be ok with it, I am curious what her response would be if I said she can find another guy to meet her needs. Do not go there. I have seen too many marriages end this way. The wife leaves for the new man. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 If my H said that he didn't really want to make love to me anymore & suggested we find some guy to f**k me I'd be completely devastated, heart broken. I take my vows seriously but that's the least of it! As a woman I want to feel precious & cherished, part of that is him wanting me to be his & ONLY his. I would feel rejected. I'd want my lover to be possessive & jealous. For many loving people sex is more than just a mechanical 'getting-off'. It's a physical way of expressing intimacy. I'd question why he would want to share me with other men. Do you want an open marriage or do you intend to remain completely faithful? Why do you mention her weight gain? Do you believe you would have more drive if she was a trim 25 year old? If my H was taking a medication (with no alternative) that removed his ability (or is it just desire?) to want me sexually I'd want him to choose to work on the issue WITH me, together as man & wife. If one can't do all the housework get a cleaner. Can't mow the lawn get a gardener. Sex should be different!! It's not something you just hire out! Some couples explore a kink, a threesome but that's not what you seem to be suggesting! Even with kinks there's a danger of intimacy building & you loosing her to another man....or do not feel vulnerable because YOU don't find her attractive & believe that another man wouldn't want her for anything but free sex? Have you ever discussed her views on monogamy, intimacy & physical love? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 I'd take that as a huge rejection. Especially if you still had sexual feelings for other women, damn that would be a knife to the heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
planning4later Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 I've heard of men doing this before. If you're marriage gets to this point, it's already over. Strangely, I've never heard of women allowing their husbands to do this--only men allowing their wives. You'd think, based on stereotypes, that this would be the opposite. Add that to the litany of shattered illusions I've had regarding men and women as I've gotten older. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 If your wife is religious and conservative, I doubt that telling her to go to another man for sex would go over well. My husband and I still had sex when we both had extra weight on at different times. I went through a period where my sex drive was low due to lifestyle changes. I still had sex with my husband because I love him and want him to be happy. I think marriage counseling is in order because you seem to have many issues with your wife and your marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Are you fantasizing about a hall pass with your ex? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 You have have hands, mouth, and you could get toys, hot oil massages and more. Does not matter about your pecker working or not. Sex is more than that. What matters are you willing to love and please your wife, no mater your lack of desire. but I understand that most people dont want to have sex unless there is something in it for themselves. Thing is if she was very conservative then even if she did have sex, she would either have tremendous guilt, or would fall for the man she was having sex with - because for this type of person love and sex and commitment go together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Strangely, I've never heard of women allowing their husbands to do this--only men allowing their wives. You'd think, based on stereotypes, that this would be the opposite. Add that to the litany of shattered illusions I've had regarding men and women as I've gotten older. Both my wives have said they'd allow this. The first might have been talk only, but my second (current) is absolutely serious. Interestingly, both women made the caveat that its ok so long as I pay for sex. Free sex wasn't allowed How strange - but I guess the stereotype of women being 'unable' to separate love and sex simply isn't true (?) Plainly both my ladies viewed 'free' sex as having emotion attached and was therefore unacceptable. Paid sex on the other hand is viewed as being purely a physical event and therefore no threat to them. First wife wasn't that interested in sex and at the end of our marriage we probably went to bed once every 6-9 months. This was her way of telling me to get it out of my system via other means. Second wife is very sexual and driven, but has a few specific 'kinks' of which this is one Anyway, back OT. I'd think long and hard before you go down this road. Its one thing to think about it, perhaps even toy with a fetish or fantasy along these lines, but, once the deed is done, theres no going back and you may surprise yourself at how hurt you feel. On the other hand, its a fair and adult response, I think, to an obvious reality. If you can't or don't want to make love with your wife, its reasonable to think along the lines your propose. If you've done your thinking and it still seems like a reasonable way forward. Consider how you want to handle it. In my view, unless you're into cuckold fantasy, you probably want to step back from involvement once you make yourself plain to your wife that its 'ok' for her to pursue this line of activity. Surely you won't want to know the details of when, where, for how long and 'was it good', etc, etc. Just let her do her thing. My wife and I have a basic ground rule - but outside of this, details aren't shared nor requested. The rule is that we come home to each other at the end of each day. So, no overnighters, no weekends away, none of that. We're married, committed and love each other, but we're adults and both have been married before. We follow a very 'realist' view and mode of life. In the current extremely PC society that affects so many western countries, it seems like this type of thing is very deviant and not-the-norm ... however, you'd be surprised at just how much of this goes on behind the scenes. Its just not spoken about. If you both have a strong bond, and in other ways enjoy and cherish the life you have together it can be worth experimenting with to see if it fits your personalities. It might not, and you both need to think about this before you go ahead. No use destroying what I assume is an otherwise perfectly fine marriage on a whim. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bebe23 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Hopefully this doesn't sound too weird. I am mid 40s and on medication that has absolutely zapped any desire to have sex. I don't even get morning wood anymore. Compounding that is 1. our schedules don't line up as I get up early to workout, work long hours then go to bed early and 2. my wife has put on a good deal of weight, mostly in mid section and I just don't have the urges to sex her. On one hand she is pretty conservative and religious but she has a pretty strong sex drive and can pretty wild sometimes, more so than what someone who knows her would expect. I am not sure I satisfy her most of the time anyway. Although I am not sure I would be ok with it, I am curious what her response would be if I said she can find another guy to meet her needs. Why don't you ask her then? For most women, the response would be a stack of divorce papers. Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 ... or would fall for the man she was having sex with - because for this type of person love and sex and commitment go together. This comment is a fair cop actually. Oxytocin effects are real imho and can override your otherwise logical and plain thinking brain. One can start down a path like this with the best of intentions but end up in a strange place, particularly I think if one chooses a single 'outside' partner and continues to see just the one over a period of time. If the sex is good, producing the required outcomes shall we say, then there is a real risk to the original partnering I suspect. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Are you 100% sure you would be fine with her being with another man? Without being insecure, jealous or giving her grief about it? Are you willing to accept losing her might be a consequence of giving her permission to be with another man? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Buddy, Understand women very rarely stay emotionally unconnected when they have sex with someone for any length of time. You are starting down a very slippery slope and there are other alternatives. Once you let that genie out of the bottle it can be very difficult if not impossible to put it back in the jar. And entering non monogamy is not the way to cure what is wrong in a marriage. It will make all the cracks much bigger. its is one thing to think about it, but you better be sure you are Ok with her getting all dressed up to go have sex with another man while you guard the house. You better research all the pitfalls before suggesting this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted October 14, 2016 Author Share Posted October 14, 2016 Thanks for the good feedback. I don't think it will go over well based on a lot of the responses from the ladies. Plus I am not 100% ready anyway. I just want to make sure she is being satisfied and curious if she is not happy with my sexual performance. Her weight is just a small factor. I do find women that take care of their bodies attractive. At my gym there are 50-somethings that have great bodies. But we were having regular sex when she was heavy. I think I just lost any desire to have sex. Even before the meds I was having issues staying hard. Now I cant even get hard and really no desire to try. I have no desire to find another women. I don't want to try to impress another woman sexually bc I know it would be a let down for her. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Buddy, Understand women very rarely stay emotionally unconnected when they have sex with someone for any length of time. You are starting down a very slippery slope and there are other alternatives. Once you let that genie out of the bottle it can be very difficult if not impossible to put it back in the jar. And entering non monogamy is not the way to cure what is wrong in a marriage. It will make all the cracks much bigger. its is one thing to think about it, but you better be sure you are Ok with her getting all dressed up to go have sex with another man while you guard the house. You better research all the pitfalls before suggesting this. You are so right. The OP has mentioned divorce URL="http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/586119-divorce-not-3.html"]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/586119-divorce-not-3.html[/url] as well as never truly loving his wife. I think WPN's new obsession with open marriage might be his way of ending his marriage seemingly guilt free. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 WPN, based on this and other threads I have to say I think you just plainly have some cuckold urges. The only reason I point that out is that it's best to know what's what and this isn't about sexual dysfunction or w/e else, at least not primarily. I think you'd be best served by acknowledging it and going from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Buddy, Understand women very rarely stay emotionally unconnected when they have sex with someone for any length of time. You are starting down a very slippery slope and there are other alternatives. Once you let that genie out of the bottle it can be very difficult if not impossible to put it back in the jar. And entering non monogamy is not the way to cure what is wrong in a marriage. It will make all the cracks much bigger. its is one thing to think about it, but you better be sure you are Ok with her getting all dressed up to go have sex with another man while you guard the house. You better research all the pitfalls before suggesting this. You are so right. The OP has mentioned divorce as well as never truly loving his wife. I think WPN's new obsession with open marriage might be his way of ending his marriage seemingly guilt free. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FortySomethingGuy Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 (edited) The fact that you have no attraction for your wife is a big red flag. I might have some cuckold urges, but, they stem from being very attracted to my wife and wanting to give her something special. (She's only been with me her whole life.) If there was no agenda and this was a pure benevolent and selfless act, I would suggest the following: 1) Ask her if she has ever fantasized being with another man. If you get her to open up, she will probably admit she has, because of her sex drive and because you are not taking care of business. If she admits fantasizing about other men, act hurt and outraged. Tell her you love her and would never allow it. 2) A few weeks later, tell her you've been thinking about that conversation and that you understand why she would fantasize about being with other man, and you are not mad at her anymore. Tell her that if she was ever tempted to cheat on you, that she should talk to you about it first. Tell her you are willing to put your insecurities and jealousy aside, for the sake of her happiness and for the sake of not losing her, if it ever came to that. 3) Leave the ball in her court. If you push her to have an affair she will be insulted and feel like you are trying to dump her on someone else. Edited October 14, 2016 by FortySomethingGuy Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 You have have hands, mouth, and you could get toys, hot oil massages and more. I think you only focused on the bit of the OP's post that said that his equipment was not working. If only his equipment was not working, I'd agree with you. However, it seems like the OP is actually not attracted to his wife anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 ^ Eh, and yet in another thread OP said he'd never want another man to get w his wife. Ppl don't usually guard ppl they don't care about. The psychology runs deeper here than what's on the surface, and the recurring theme is always OP's wife cheating and betraying him - and his feelings of anger and jealousy and resentment over that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted October 14, 2016 Author Share Posted October 14, 2016 The fact that you have no attraction for your wife is a big red flag. I might have some cuckold urges, but, they stem from being very attracted to my wife and wanting to give her something special. (She's only been with me her whole life.) If there was no agenda and this was a pure benevolent and selfless act, I would suggest the following: 1) Ask her if she has ever fantasized being with another man. If you get her to open up, she will probably admit she has, because of her sex drive and because you are not taking care of business. If she admits fantasizing about other men, act hurt and outraged. Tell her you love her and would never allow it. 2) A few weeks later, tell her you've been thinking about that conversation and that you understand why she would fantasize about being with other man, and you are not mad at her anymore. Tell her that if she was ever tempted to cheat on you, that she should talk to you about it first. Tell her you are willing to put your insecurities and jealousy aside, for the sake of her happiness and for the sake of not losing her, if it ever came to that. 3) Leave the ball in her court. If you push her to have an affair she will be insulted and feel like you are trying to dump her on someone else. That is great advice....I will consider that. At least start the convo. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Allowing Wife Outside Sex Only if you want to get divorced.....I will guarantee that is what will happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 The fact that you have no attraction for your wife is a big red flag. I might have some cuckold urges, but, they stem from being very attracted to my wife and wanting to give her something special. (She's only been with me her whole life.) If there was no agenda and this was a pure benevolent and selfless act, I would suggest the following: 1) Ask her if she has ever fantasized being with another man. If you get her to open up, she will probably admit she has, because of her sex drive and because you are not taking care of business. If she admits fantasizing about other men, act hurt and outraged. Tell her you love her and would never allow it. . Why be so devious like you've suggested?^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Acting hurt, then later giving the impression he's been thinking about it. I don't like this idea. Just be honest about everything .... apart from her weight. And as previously suggested, you can satisfy her in other ways apart from penetrative sex. That's if you have the desire, which I don't think you have. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 My wife and I have a basic ground rule - but outside of this, details aren't shared nor requested. The rule is that we come home to each other at the end of each day. So, no overnighters, no weekends away, none of that. We're married, committed and love each other, but we're adults and both have been married before. We follow a very 'realist' view and mode of life. . So are you both still having sex, affections with each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Allowing Wife Outside Sex Probably better if you only allow her inside sex, might upset the neighbors otherwise... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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