Family vacation with Fiancée best friend?

[Julia321]

Hi everyone

 

First time poster, long time lurker. I am really hoping for some imput on whether or not i am over reacting or my feelings are justified.

 

My fiancée, myself and our 8 year old daughter are planning and saving for an all inclusive vacation in the new year. My fiancée best friend asked if he could go along, while my fiancée didn't give an answer to him, he certainly did not discourage him and is actively trying to convince me its a good idea. While his friend is a great guy (single as well) i don't really like the idea of our family vacation with him included. I wanted bonding time. To be fair, my fiancée rarely spends time with him, though i never ever deny him time either.

 

I am not sure what to do...i have already expressed my concerns but my fiancée really wants him to go and says he won't be hanging with us all the time. I feel like i can't win in this situation, if i say no i am the bad guy, if i say yes i will resent it. Should we just all go and have fun and not worry?

 

Any tips on how to deal with this?

[MJJean]

How well do you and the friend get along?

 

My husband has one friend that I consider a brother to him and would happily take him on a vacation with our family. He has another friend that drives me up the wall I would NOT want on vacation with us.

 

If you and this friend are friends, too, then maybe consider taking him along. You might have fun and you could always go alone next time.

 

If you really don't want Friend along, you're going to have to say it, flat out, and explain why.

[Julia321]

I don't know him very well, but the handful of times i have met him we got along just fine. I don't think he would be an issue getting along with while there, i guess i am upset over a family vacation including a friend...i wouldnt dream of inviting one of my single friends along as i feel it would take me away from my family...or am i being petty?

[SJS]

Personally I think it's kind of strange. What single person would want to tag along with a family? Do they think they're going to go off and have fun while you and the kid stay behind?

[pteromom]

It's strange.

 

I would talk to your fiance about your expectations should this happen.

 

That you envision the three of you hanging out as a family and bonding, and that you will be very hurt if he goes out partying with his friend leaving you and your daughter alone.

 

And that it is a FAMILY vacation and not for partying in general...you don't want the friend drunk or being a "single guy" around your daughter.

 

And that you want plenty of time and meals and experiences with just the three of you. And NONE without YOU and your DAUGHTER.

 

See what your fiance says.

 

I would give it a chance if you trust your fiance. Although it is strange!

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm sorry that just sounds really awkward, I can't imagine a single guy asking to join a family on a vacation. Unless he is really close to the whole family, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

 

I'm assuming he'll have his own room? That usually costs a lot more to travel single, because there is no shared room cost. Maybe it'll be enough to discourage him?

 

The problem is at a resort, you are always there, will you feel obligated to have all of your meals with him, do all of your activities with him, etc?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe it's like Brokeback Mountain

[basil67]

It's OK to tell your fiance that you want family time. Perhaps suggest they organise a boy's weekend to catch up.

 

Oh wait...there's that Brokeback Mountain theme running again.... >joke<

[Julia321]

LOL definitely not brokeback Mountain!

 

Thank you everyone for your input. I will be expressing all these concerns again with him. At this point, he doesn't see anything wrong with him tagging along..i find it so odd and really disrespectful on my fiancée part. I was really looking forward to this vacation, as a family. Now not so much. I feel guilty saying that as we are lucky enough to be going away, but really, with his best friend? Yeesh.

[CarrieT]

You need to be honest with him and explain that you were looking forward to bonding as a family - as a threesome and the family that you are attempting to build - and not "buddy time" with his best friend.

[Gemma1]

I think you're being petty.

 

I think vacations are about having fun. "Bonding" is such a general, borderline useless term. If this guy coming along will increase your husband's enjoyment of this vacation, he should come. To decrease your husband's enjoyment of his vacation just so he'll pay more attention to you and "bond" 'with you more is actually going to have the opposite effect. He's going to be sad his friend didn't come, and it's actually going to decrease his affection for you (even if it's just temporary).

 

And no, this isn't a "no win" situation for you unless you turn it into one. This win for you is that you get another cool person to hang out with on vacay, you get second-hand enjoyment from your husband having fun with his friend, and you get your husband's appreciation for not being a normal petty wife.

 

And let's be realistic here. How much of this vacation was going to be spent "bonding" anyway? 75%? 65%? Were you planning on being up each other's butts the whole time? Im sure you will get plenty of family time even with the friend there. Then friend isn't gonna be sharing a bed with you, right?

 

As adults, friendships are precious. You can't make friends as easily as you did when you were younger and the friends you do have are so much harder to keep close because people have families and lives that drive each other apart. I think if you have close friends, any chance to spend quality time with them should be seized. Don't be "that" wife.

 

And just for reference, I would say that about 90% of my travel with my H and our son has included friends. It's not weird for single people to tag along with a family. It's only weird if you make it weird.

[kgcolonel]

How long is your get away going to be? If it's going to be a week or more, how about your bf's join you mid way through and that way you can have your bonding time with your bf and then let the boys go play.....I personally don't like the "can I bring a friend" act though, sounds a bit like juveniles....just my opinion...btw how old are you two/

[amaysngrace]

If anyone gets to bring a friend it should be your eight year old.

[ChickiePops]

I think you're being petty.

 

I think vacations are about having fun. "Bonding" is such a general, borderline useless term. If this guy coming along will increase your husband's enjoyment of this vacation, he should come. To decrease your husband's enjoyment of his vacation just so he'll pay more attention to you and "bond" 'with you more is actually going to have the opposite effect. He's going to be sad his friend didn't come, and it's actually going to decrease his affection for you (even if it's just temporary).

 

And no, this isn't a "no win" situation for you unless you turn it into one. This win for you is that you get another cool person to hang out with on vacay, you get second-hand enjoyment from your husband having fun with his friend, and you get your husband's appreciation for not being a normal petty wife.

 

And let's be realistic here. How much of this vacation was going to be spent "bonding" anyway? 75%? 65%? Were you planning on being up each other's butts the whole time? Im sure you will get plenty of family time even with the friend there. Then friend isn't gonna be sharing a bed with you, right?

 

As adults, friendships are precious. You can't make friends as easily as you did when you were younger and the friends you do have are so much harder to keep close because people have families and lives that drive each other apart. I think if you have close friends, any chance to spend quality time with them should be seized. Don't be "that" wife.

 

And just for reference, I would say that about 90% of my travel with my H and our son has included friends. It's not weird for single people to tag along with a family. It's only weird if you make it weird.

 

I disagree with this completely. Bringing friends on a trip is completely different from bringing one single person. It would be different if it were a group or another couple, and they could still get away and spend time without feeling like they were deserting the friend. It sounds like a horribly awkward situation to me and frankly, I feel embarrassed for the best friend for not understanding that it's a family vacation..I cringe at the thought of going on a vacation alone with my best friend and her family.

 

They can go on a boys trip another time OP..although truth be told, if your fiancé has already invited him he can't really uninvite him without creating tension. Do you have a friend you could invite on this one if that's the case so at least you wouldn't be stuck alone if they go off somewhere?

[standtall]

Weird. Is fiancee's buddy gay or some other way never going to be romantically involved with her....cousin...95 yrs old...etc? Either way, unless you want a third wheel constantly following you, then i would nip it in the bud now.

[S2B]

I vote no. And if you have any hesitation at all it should just be simply no.

 

 

You've saved for a long time to go - what if this guy expects you to pay his meals and drinks?

 

I just think keeping it as the original plan is best for everyone.

 

Encourage your BF to have a guys night out instead.

[Poutrew]

This entire scenario just annoys me. You think this is a family vacation, but it seems your boyfriend has other ideas... Do these boys figure that they will be able to leave you and the kid in the hotel while they go out partying? So you are just tagging along as a babysitter.... A family vacation is supposed to be just that. All about family - is this guy friend getting his own place or does your genius boyfriend figure on letting him stay with you in the hotel? If that is the case, some of the hard earned money you have been saving up for this vacation will be spent on your boyfriend's bff Maybe you could invite one of your girlfriends along as well? Turn it into a circus...

[Mysterio]

Just do this. Have a family vacation with you and your fiancee/Child. Then he can plan a Buddies's vacation with his friend seperatly.

 

Its a win win.

[ChickiePops]

Just reread the OP. So..the friend actually ASKED if he could come?? What a doofus! And what a horribly awkward position he put your fiancé in.

[stillafool]

LOL definitely not brokeback Mountain!

 

Thank you everyone for your input. I will be expressing all these concerns again with him. At this point, he doesn't see anything wrong with him tagging along..i find it so odd and really disrespectful on my fiancée part. I was really looking forward to this vacation, as a family. Now not so much. I feel guilty saying that as we are lucky enough to be going away, but really, with his best friend? Yeesh.

 

Tell your fiancee that his friend can go if he brings a date with him. That way everyone will be coupled and the friend and his date can go off and do things together. Otherwise your fiancee will be spending his time entertaining his friend.

[Rockdad]

You know how someone plots and plans a vacation, something goes wrong during the trip and it seems to ruin it? Well this one isn't even off the ground yet and going south.

 

My buddy of 35 years and his wife never stop asking us to vaca with them. They too have suggested they come along with us when we go somewhere. I don't care to do that. I want time with my wife not a group thing. I have learned some people can't do things alone. Oddly as it may sound we don't mention to friends of our trip plans to avoid any issue.

 

Two years ago we were planning a cruise and we absolutely knew my buddy and wife would make plans to come along. They caught wind of it from somewhere and I knew they felt shunned. They actually booked their own cruise to somewhere else and took several people.

 

I know if I were the OP, I would bow out of a vacation if some guy is tagging along and knowing how disappointed I feel about it.

[Julia321]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and input! I feel so much better knowing i am not alone in my feelings(for the most part)

 

We are all in our mid forties, i can get early 20's no kids etc. But this is just way different now, esp with our child. From what i know about my fiancée best friend, he is a little naive and a life long bachelor, so while he did ask..i am more upset at my fiancée for not nipping this idea in the bud. Their original idea included him sharing a room with us! I outright said no to that, but remained open to listening to my fiancée as to why this wouldn't be an issue. He states his friend would find things to do on his own and they would only go out one night to party(with me having this option as well)...i have my doubts about that once there and drinking is involved.

 

I love the suggestion that they plan their own get away together and will suggest that once we discuss this again. We work opposite shifts so we haven't had a chance to discuss this again. If he doesn't like that option, i will still express my displeasure in this and hope my fiancée understands my views. We are both very busy with work and our daughter so a vacation together is important to me.

Thanks again everyone!

[Gemma1]

I disagree with this completely. Bringing friends on a trip is completely different from bringing one single person. It would be different if it were a group or another couple, and they could still get away and spend time without feeling like they were deserting the friend. It sounds like a horribly awkward situation to me and frankly, I feel embarrassed for the best friend for not understanding that it's a family vacation..I cringe at the thought of going on a vacation alone with my best friend and her family.

 

They can go on a boys trip another time OP..although truth be told, if your fiancé has already invited him he can't really uninvite him without creating tension. Do you have a friend you could invite on this one if that's the case so at least you wouldn't be stuck alone if they go off somewhere?

 

Yeah, to each their own. My H is super close to all of his friends and we are thrilled when someone can come with us on any trip (even if it's just a single person). My son loves all his "uncles" and personally we wouldn't feel the need or want to get away from the friend because we love them. I can see how it would be awkward and uncomfortable within a normal adult friendship because most adults just aren't that close with their friends. IMO it's one of the saddest things about being an adult.

[GunslingerRoland]

Yeah, to each their own. My H is super close to all of his friends and we are thrilled when someone can come with us on any trip (even if it's just a single person). My son loves all his "uncles" and personally we wouldn't feel the need or want to get away from the friend because we love them. I can see how it would be awkward and uncomfortable within a normal adult friendship because most adults just aren't that close with their friends. IMO it's one of the saddest things about being an adult.

 

But see this goes back to what I said in my reply, if this friend is close with the family, if he is favorite Uncle Charlie... then I can see having him come along. But it doesn't sound like he really even knows the family that well.

 

 

My family often travels with other families, but it's different because we are all families. Someone single coming with us, would probably be really bored, because most adults don't want to hang out all day with children, unless they are very close to the child already.

 

 

And especially if he's asking to stay in their room, I don't get the sense that this guy is going to understand boundaries and be fine doing his own thing a lot of the time.

[Gemma1]

She may not know him all that well but it's her husband's *best* friend. This would be a pretty good way to get to know him better (especially since she already says she likes him). And I didn't know my H's friends as first either. Part of my getting to know them included hanging out with them when we were traveling.

 

The whole thing about him staying in their room is crazy, I'll give you that. I just don't think bringing a *best* friend along on a vacation is crazy. Apparently I'm strange in this. But I also think a lot of people (women in particular) think of marriage like it changes everything. It changes a lot of things, sure, but it doesn't have to change everything. They think "We're married now. We're a FAMILY for heavens sake. We aren't bringing a friend on our vacation." But of course this doesn't just apply to vacations, it applies to a lot of things and then suddenly you're living a normal boring married life. Her husband obviously doesn't feel the way she does about this and I think that unless she has reason to believe that he's going to go off and leave her "babysitting" as some people here say, she should at least entertain the idea of bringing the friend along.

 

Also something I was thinking back on after my last reply: I would never have been ok with my ex inviting a friend of his along on one of our vacations, and we didn't even have kids. This is because my ex acted a little different around his friends than he did with me. This made me feel like I was never spending quality time with him when we were around his friends, because it never seemed like it was really HIM. I think a lot of guys are like this, and maybe that's why so many women would not feel comfortable having their husband's friend(s) along on a vacation, and in that case I would completely agree with them.