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Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?


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Hello everyone,

I have not been here in a while. I forgot I even had an account here until a kind person from another marriage forum suggested that I give this place a try. Well what do you know. I have been posting here all along! :)

 

My marriage has not changed. Although I am successfully employed, my wife's behavior has not changed towards me. Sure, everything is fine between us, just as long as I don't expect sex or intimacy. This will never change. So I either stick it out for the sake of our teenager or I get out. I don't to get out because I really frown upon divorce due to my religious beliefs. And besides, I don't even know what it's like to live on my own. Believe it or not, I never have. So here I am again, with the same old lonely story. But it's good to be back.

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What's the limit on living in a sexless marriage if you are a person of faith and your religious teachings discourage divorce? Is 16 years in a sexless marriage too long?

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24 years for me - and I'm not religious (just stupid).

 

IMO, you make a sincere and intense effort to communicate and fix things, and try counselling. If that does not work, then you have a right to pursue your own happiness, even if that involves divorce.

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I never get responses here. :(

 

For starters, please understand that it is Sunday evening and this site is mostly barren of posters at this time. It is a site that gets much more traffic while people are at work; Monday through Friday, during working hours.

 

Secondly - yes - 16 years is too long. Why haven't you filed for divorce?

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It's funny how differently men and women think about this. As a woman, if I knew someone didn't want to have sex with me, I'd stop trying. If sex was the most important thing to me about the relationship, then I'd leave, but it wouldn't be. I'd be about the kids and about being friends or whatever if I lost my attraction for my husband. Many people do lose attraction for their mates, especially women. Women need that spark and attraction and the emotions have to be lined up. That means if they're miserable living with someone and not having much fun doing it or they don't do their half of the chores or she feels she has to nag him to help her, she is not going to want sex. Ever again probably.

 

 

Men, on the other hand, will have sex no matter if they like the person anymore, no matter if the person desires them, no matter if they don't even get along. They think sex is the most important thing and they want it no matter what crap is going on in the household. When women figure that out, this doesn't do anything to make them feel more warmly toward the man either.

 

If you're in a miserable marriage of any type, do your kids a favor and have an amicable cooperative noncontested nontraumatic divorce.

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Welcome back. I hope you find some pearls of wisdom here and some people to listen and to talk to.

 

Few of us "have it all." You just have to make the decisions that sound the most palatable to you. Staying for a teen if it's tense at home isn't really doing the child any favors, but if you're all able to be civil to each other, then that's great.

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Men, on the other hand, will have sex no matter if they like the person anymore, no matter if the person desires them, no matter if they don't even get along. They think sex is the most important thing and they want it no matter what crap is going on in the household. When women figure that out, this doesn't do anything to make them feel more warmly toward the man either.

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Disagree. I stopped having sex with my ex about 3months before I ended it. Her life was bars,bars,doing some random sh*t I didn't care about and bars. She gained weight, had a horrible outlook on life, I could go on... When she finally noticed that we had been on a weekend trip and we no much as touched each other she asked me.."Are you happy".. No I wasn't and I told her so. That was the end of us. I still love her but, was disgusted by what she had become,not the weight gain either(she was heavier when I met her and lost weight), just the "uhghhh" of it all.

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Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?

 

I wouldn't "beg" for sex for 16 minutes, much less years. Even many convicted murderers are paroled in shorter time.

 

The future is up to you. Stay and honor your religious beliefs, though I'd guess a closer examination might yield a different interpretation. Or go and pursue a more normal and healthier life. If handled correctly, your teenager will be OK either way...

 

Mr. Lucky

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dreamingoftigers
It's funny how differently men and women think about this. As a woman, if I knew someone didn't want to have sex with me, I'd stop trying. If sex was the most important thing to me about the relationship, then I'd leave, but it wouldn't be. I'd be about the kids and about being friends or whatever if I lost my attraction for my husband. Many people do lose attraction for their mates, especially women. Women need that spark and attraction and the emotions have to be lined up. That means if they're miserable living with someone and not having much fun doing it or they don't do their half of the chores or she feels she has to nag him to help her, she is not going to want sex. Ever again probably.

 

 

Men, on the other hand, will have sex no matter if they like the person anymore, no matter if the person desires them, no matter if they don't even get along. They think sex is the most important thing and they want it no matter what crap is going on in the household. When women figure that out, this doesn't do anything to make them feel more warmly toward the man either.

 

If you're in a miserable marriage of any type, do your kids a favor and have an amicable cooperative noncontested nontraumatic divorce.

 

Once again I discover that I am a man and my husband is a woman.

 

:cool::rolleyes:

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dreamingoftigers

I just made it pretty clear that now I am getting in shape, I am not tolerating this bullcrap (8 of 11 years of marriage) for much longer.

 

He can accept that I will either be a) getting outside help and that is to be understood or b) separating leading toward divorce.

 

I'm fed up. But I will give it my all first. I have two kids. It will be rough if we split up for the kids. Me? I've had a lot of experience being alone and single parenting just from being married to him.

 

I get one life and I don't want to spend it being someone's wife-appliance that can't be bothered to intimately touch me.

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Lois_Griffin
I never get responses here. :(

Well what exactly do you want to hear?

 

You say you've been in a sexless marriage for 16 years but refuse to divorce because you have a teenager (typical excuse to do nothing because you're too paralyzed by fear to change your life) and for religious reasons (another excuse to do nothing out of fear).

 

So what magic answer are you looking to hear?

 

Take up a hobby?

 

Count your other blessings in life?

 

You've done great for 16 years, here's to another 16 sexless years?

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

So somewhere in your religious texts it says your happiness means nothing if it means a failed marriage? Your religion would rather you be miserable and married then divorced and happy? Sounds like a wonderful religion.

 

Did you guys have sex before marriage or did you wait for religious reasons?

 

How much sex have you had in 16 years marriage? Obviously at least once if you have a kid. So what is the number?

 

Fact is if someone is not interested in sex at all that won't change no matter what you do. They have to want it. You can't do anything at all to change their mind set on the subject. So people will say "try this or that" but it is futile. Wasted effort. You would be better served using that effort and energy on divorce and pursuit of a life that makes you happy.

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Bashing for the sport of bashing is not help.

 

 

Sometimes a person needs harsh direction.

 

 

Harsh is often described as hitting them with a two by four. Though it appears people feel that is not hard enough and need to run an OP over with an eighteen wheel logging truck.

 

 

Just being harsh provides no direction. Direction has to provide steps to take.

 

OP you are religious and do not want divorce. Is your wife religious? Then have you tried counseling with a priest?

 

 

Close with god does not want people to live in constant pain this is why churches provide annulments. Your wife refusing sex when she is healthy is refusing to be your wife in god's eyes.

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So somewhere in your religious texts it says your happiness means nothing if it means a failed marriage? Your religion would rather you be miserable and married then divorced and happy? Sounds like a wonderful religion.

 

I do not think religion in general worries much about individual happiness, sex in marriage is essentially about procreation and making sure there are new members around in the future to spread the word.

As this marriage has fulfilled that purpose in that he has a child, then who will care how happy or not he is?

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What's the limit on living in a sexless marriage if you are a person of faith and your religious teachings discourage divorce? Is 16 years in a sexless marriage too long?

 

Why don't you talk to your Pastor or Priest about this since you are intent on staying with her?

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Little thought experiment.....if God spoke to you right now and said, "It is OK for you to divorce, I understand", what would you do?

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Begging for sex is not something a person should do, ever. Even if she's ever caved to your groveling, she certainly didn't feel sexy about it. I have no idea what her problem is, it sounds awful for you.

 

If you want or need to remain in your sexless marriage, you need to accept it and figure out how you can survive in it without having your soul completely crushed. I'm surprised you haven't figured this out about 15 years and 10 months ago.

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I do not think religion in general worries much about individual happiness, sex in marriage is essentially about procreation and making sure there are new members around in the future to spread the word.

As this marriage has fulfilled that purpose in that he has a child, then who will care how happy or not he is?

 

Not true. My faith, approximately 1 billion strong, explicitly states that sex serves to bond the couple (it is seen as reaffirming the vows) AND to procreate.

 

My faith also explicitly states that refusing a spouse sex without a damn good reason is a sin. It is also taught that a spouse refusing sex for a damn good reason is obligated to take any and all reasonable action to correct the problem.

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It's funny how differently men and women think about this. As a woman, if I knew someone didn't want to have sex with me, I'd stop trying. If sex was the most important thing to me about the relationship, then I'd leave, but it wouldn't be. I'd be about the kids and about being friends or whatever if I lost my attraction for my husband. Many people do lose attraction for their mates, especially women. Women need that spark and attraction and the emotions have to be lined up. That means if they're miserable living with someone and not having much fun doing it or they don't do their half of the chores or she feels she has to nag him to help her, she is not going to want sex. Ever again probably.

 

 

Men, on the other hand, will have sex no matter if they like the person anymore, no matter if the person desires them, no matter if they don't even get along. They think sex is the most important thing and they want it no matter what crap is going on in the household. When women figure that out, this doesn't do anything to make them feel more warmly toward the man either.

 

If you're in a miserable marriage of any type, do your kids a favor and have an amicable cooperative noncontested nontraumatic divorce.

 

 

This is just not true for men. I hate when people say this. I was always the one to pursue my H. I could be standing in front of him naked trying to get it on with him and he would turn me down. So for the longest time I thought It was me, and if other women were not like this then there was something wrong with me.

 

Yes 16 years is way too long!!!! I don't know what religion you are, but this is part of vows and commitment to eachother.

 

Unless there is a medical reason, in which case you should seek outside help. Or find other ways to comfort eachother.

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1Cor 7:3-4 (NRS) The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

 

What part of the Bible does your wife believe in?

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ShatteredLady

Being rejected again & again is absolutely soul destroying.

 

As a woman you're kind of raised with the idea that men constantly think about sex, dream about sex, want sex!! Men will basically f**k anything with a pulse so what's wrong with me?

 

I'll confess that I used to be kind of vein. I know that I'm cute even without makeup, men look at me even when I'm with my H. Intellectually I know it's not my fault but it's completely destroyed my esteem over the years. WoW I can't even imagine 16 years!!

 

Do you mean very little sex? Not to be too personal but you've got a child??

 

Have you ever been to MC? What does your wife say when you talk about it?

 

There are all the usual suggestions.... medical, depression, hormones, medications, even a lack of certain vitamins can cause a drop in libido. Sex drive for women is very linked to emotional fulfillment. Could it be that she finds sex painful. Etc etc etc. I know it must be embarrassing but there ARE solutions.

 

After all these years could it just be that she's asexual & just has zero drive?

 

Would things be better for you if you had affection in other ways (massage, bubble baths, snuggling, playing) or would that just be frustrating?

 

Does she know how desperate you are? How close to divorce you would be if it wasn't for your religion? Does she like cuddles & kisses or is she cold in every way?

 

Have you ever discussed an open marriage or is that against your principles?

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