VAR - wife bashing me and scheming about $$

[Ontos]

My marriage has not been a good one, but we've stayed together and lived in an unhappy marriage for 21 yrs.

 

My wife stayed home for a few years with my kids: S19 (in college) and D11. in between and after kids she worked, but has lost every job she has ever had either due to layoff, company moving or performance.

 

After my son started preschool she immediately stared hammering me for another child. I stuck to my guns for (8 years between them) but it was a source of constant strife. Finally after a huge fight I relented in these words, verbatim: "FINE, I DO NOT want another child, I am doing this for you. I am adding years to my career to fund a child you want and I DO NOT. I hope you appreciate this!" My thought was she would sob a little and say no, if you feel that way I won't force you.

WRONG: She smiled and immediately got off the pill. She was pregnant within 60 days.

 

I love my daughter and cherish her - she is the apple of my eye. I just knew we were not in a good marriage and a child would only make things more stressful.

 

So as of today: My wife has been working at the same job for the last 5 years and is doing well. She makes good money - she contributes 35% if the household income. BUT, her job takes her out of town 2-5 nights a month and she and her co-workers go out to expensive dinners and drinks every time she goes out of town.

 

Recently her iMessages started pining on my daughter's ipad. I looked through the messages and she was staying out until 1-2 am and all the texts about "meeting for drinks" "where are you guys - we are at - >? Bar - come over here".

 

Some of the texts were sent after she called me at 10pm and said she was tired and going to bed. She instead stayed out til 2am.

 

So, I'm earning the primary income and she is leaving me to be Dad on Duty and partying. Some of the text were also flirty in nature.

 

Well, for the past few months I have put a VAR in her office and in her car. I haven't found any infidelity - but she has been bashing me to her friends. She complains about me hammering her about being out late drinking and has even said she is going to speak to an estate attorney about changing the name in her inheritance to her brother's name to protect it - she stands to get a very large inheritance.

 

She also has talked about divorcing me and laughs about how I'm not happy with her nights out, but "He can deal with it".

 

I really feel like I"m being used to pay for everything until she can divorce me and take half my assets, while protecting her inheritance.

 

My head is spinning. I'm trying to just keep my mouth shut and decide what I"m going to do.

[doyathinkso]

You've got storm clouds all right. Stay vigilant. Keep using the VAR in the car and maybe near the home phone. Can you monitor her phone usage? numbers frequently called?

[road]

Options are:

 

 

1] She is most likely already cheating and if not will soon start.

 

 

Save marriage then confront her. (However do not reveal how you found out. In fact remove the VAR before you confront so if she goes searching for one it won't be found. Then weeks later you can sneak it back in. Also hide one in the house at that time as well. Also install a key logger on the PC to get more info.) Tell her she must leave that job and can no longer have a job that involves nights away.

 

 

If not then tell her the marriage is over.

 

 

 

 

2] Just say nothing and divorce her.

 

 

3] Do nothing and be a BH.

[central]

Perhaps you should get a lawyer and understand your rights and what is likely to happen in case of divorce. You will likely have alimony, depending on your relative incomes and where you live. Her inheritance is hers - you have NO rights to it - UNLESS she has put the money in a joint account, or used it to pay for marital property, or you can show she has said it is joint with you (not likely on that one). (If it is in a joint account that you are authorized to use, you may want to use it to pay for marital assets, such as paying off or paying down the mortgage ASAP - you will be in a better position for an asset split in that case, unless she is likely to get the house, but since most states have a 50/50 split, she'd probably have to compensate you for your share. Ask a lawyer about what's legal to do.)

 

 

Since she is now working, it may be best to divorce her while she has an income, so alimony and child support owed would be less than otherwise.

Edited September 14, 2016 by central

[lucy_in_disguise]

My understanding is that in the US, inheritance is not marital property unless explicitly used that way. So, I don't think you are legally entitled to this even if you stayed married. Given the long-term nature of your incompatibility and unhappiness in this marriage, I think you should seek divorce. Clearly, she's considering this option too. The fact that you did not really want the kids she stayed home with is not really relevant here- assets acquired during marriage belong to you both, and it is reasonable that she is looking to protect her interests. You should see a lawyer, too.

 

Is the voice recorder even legal? I think it's very creepy no matter the circumstances. In your case, your marriage has been unhappy for a long time, and it doesn't sound like there is much love left. What are you hoping to learn? I think the spying can backfire. Your kids are grown, you seem to both be realizing the marriage is not meeting your needs, you're both currently working - you have an opportunity to have an amicable divorce, without too much money going to the lawyers, with the possibility of remaining on good terms afterwards for the sake of your children. Stop with the voice recorders, go talk to a lawyer, and then have a kind discussion with your wife about going your separate ways.

Edited September 14, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[sandylee1]

She's not cheating but she's not happy. Neither are you as you've said. You should have stuck to your guns if you didn't want any more kids back then. Either a vasectomy or divorce would have been better than what you have now.

 

End the misery and divorce while she has a job. Why continue living like this. It's a poor example of a marriage for your kids to be seeing.

[jen1447]

Where in the south do you live specifically?

[Jersey born raised]

Has your daughter seen the ims? What is the daughters relationship with her mom?

 

My sibs exWS tried to get into the family inheritance, still pissed about not being able to several years later.

 

Begin building an exit plan. Bing your states divorce laws. Here is a link State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source. Do you live in a no fault state. If so do they take into consideration adultery when dividing the assets? Every thread I've read if the BS or the spouse of a walk away has done so they have done much better emotionally then thus who have not.

 

Laws vary regarding VARs. Some states like Maryand two party constant is a must. Many other states it is as well. Is the car in both your names? It matters in many states that allow unknown taping. Is her office in your family home? Again it matters. I am unaware of any state that allows a conversation between TWO individuals by a third except in public places, like a restaurant.

[jen1447]

^ Normally not even then. If he's using a VAR in a two party state, any of his evidence gathered that way will bscly be unusable toward his case - at least w/out indicting himself in the commission of a felony in the process.

[oldshirt]

I agree that this is a threat. Protect yourself. Get an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities if your marriage ends.

[grassisorisntgreener]

You aren't in a happy marriage.

 

Make copies of the texts she is sending and receiving at all hours of the night.

 

Next time she is away, and she tells you she's going to bed, call her out on it, with proof when she gets home, and ask her why she thinks she needs to lie to you. If she is so happy out with her friends then she can move out and be on her own when she doesn't have the kids.

 

She talked you into a second kid when you clearly didn't want one. She thinks she is your boss. So stop letting her tell you what to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, for the past few months I have put a VAR in her office and in her car. I haven't found any infidelity - but she has been bashing me to her friends. She complains about me hammering her about being out late drinking and has even said she is going to speak to an estate attorney about changing the name in her inheritance to her brother's name to protect it - she stands to get a very large inheritance.

 

She also has talked about divorcing me and laughs about how I'm not happy with her nights out, but "He can deal with it".

 

I really feel like I"m being used to pay for everything until she can divorce me and take half my assets, while protecting her inheritance.

 

My head is spinning. I'm trying to just keep my mouth shut and decide what I"m going to do.

 

I think your situation is more nuanced than some are presenting it. Is there any of us, in an unguarded moment, that hasn't "bashed" our spouse? I can't help but wonder if your access to her unfiltered thoughts is giving you a distorted view?

 

Having said that, much of the content and the setting is troubling. I'd be equally concerned.

 

Ontos, your recent posts have made you seem just as checked out of the marriage as she is, you just don't want to be the bad guy that splits things up.

 

What is the long game here ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

I really feel like I"m being used to pay for everything until she can divorce me and take half my assets, while protecting her inheritance.

 

You are not "paying for everything", you are only contributing 15% more than she is, and it is highly unlikely you would ever be entitled to her inheritance anyway. It is her money, she is entitled to do with it what she wants to do. Unfair maybe to anyone who has worked all their days to earn a crust and will not inherit a bean, but that is just how inheritance works.

 

Yes, she is being massively disrespectful to you and yes, she probably does want a divorce, but with no evidence of infidelity despite her love of partying, I am not sure why you are still recording her? For what purpose?

I very much doubt it could be used in a court of law and I cannot see she is breaking any actual laws here.

 

You may not have found she is actually cheating, she simply may not be the cheating type, not all woman are, but your marriage appears to be in a huge mess anyway.

Is it worth going to MC?

I guess it is worth a serious go, as your poor daughter is only 11 and the expense and hassle of a divorce may not be what you really want or is in your or your children's best interests.

I guess your wife is only out there for "fun" and to try and recapture her youth and her sense of self, after being a "mother" for the last 20 years.

 

YOU seem unhappy, angry and bitter, sorry, but I guess you are no "fun" any more, so she is going out to find her "fun" elsewhere.

 

You are even moaning here about how you were "forced" into having your daughter... you were an adult man, no-one forced you, you could have just worn a condom or had a vasectomy or walked away. It is hardly a crime for a wife to want more children, surely that is what marriage is all about. It is not as if you had a huge brood and enough is enough. I am sure she holds it against you, that you held out on her for 8 years, can you not see it from her POV? It was not a competition and she "won", you now have a beautiful daughter, be grateful for that. Stop holding onto that grudge, it will do you no good.

 

I think IC and MC may help you both reconnect and see things from the other's POV, it is worth a shot IMO, and IC may stop you both becoming more angry and resentful, as that is where you appear to be headed, divorce or no divorce.

[BettyDraper]

Time to start protecting yourself. Don't tell your wife what you found out while going to see a lawyer. Start the 180 as well; no more texting her and focus on yourself more. Sorry to say that you're probably going to be divorced or cheated on very soon.

 

I hate the way women are often given a free pass for such behavior just because they raised children. Being a mother is a choice and no excuse to become disrespectful or use husbands for money. It's also ridiculous that the wishes of wives to have children are always seen as more important than a husband's desire to refrain from adding to the family.

Edited September 14, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Ontos]

She is not the cheating type - I've used the VAR just to see what was going on and to verify she wasn't cheating. I had to be sure, but hearing her bash and scheme was a slap in the face.

 

1. I have screenshots of all the texts.

 

2. my daughter saw them before I did. Very sad.

 

3. I am not angling to get her inheritance. It was just very disturbing to hear that she was scheming like that.

 

4. I have an appointment to see a lawyer.

 

5. I live in SC

 

6. I've done a 180 and it's bothering her. Lately I've spent a lot of time with my biking/running group and she keeps asking if girls are there.

 

7. I don't plan on using the recordings - I'll ask the lawyer, but I don't think that is legal. Even though the car she was driving is in my name. The point of the VAR's was to see what was being said, not to use in court.

 

8. I know D would be tough, but I think it is the best. I stand to lose a lot of money - she hasn't saved anything and I have been socking 401(k) money away for 23 years. I also have over paid on the house and put inheritance money on the principle - so I guess I'm gonna pay for being smart with money.

 

Since I found out she lied about staying out I have unapologetically called her in her room and voiced my distaste for her staying out late. She acted like she cared, but was laughing and talking **** about how she got buzzed and how I was hammering her about staying out to her friends (per VAR).

 

So, since I've done the 180 she has gone from cocky to trying to get me to talk and asking if I'm going to try to work on things. I've been trying to work on things forever and she hasn't. I feel like she is just trying to calm me down so I don't see a lawyer or continue being disconnected.

 

She turned on the tears tonight, too - b/c her father isn't doing well. I question this b/c he was simply put on an antibiotic - She never cries - so this makes me wonder if she is trying to play me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I stand to lose a lot of money - she hasn't saved anything and I have been socking 401(k) money away for 23 years. I also have over paid on the house and put inheritance money on the principle - so I guess I'm gonna pay for being smart with money.

 

If you've been married for 20+ years, how do you see it as "hers" and "mine" on things like savings, 401K, etc.?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ontos]

If you've been married for 20+ years, how do you see it as "hers" and "mine" on things like savings, 401K, etc.?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Over the 20+ years she has worked 16 of those. When we had a joint account She continually took money out of savings. Initially, I said if she needed money to come to me, but please do not take from savings.

 

She would do it again, again and again and I wouldn't find out until I saw the statement and she would try and hide those.

 

Finally I started a secret savings account and in one year I had $12k in it! She found out about it, became mad and demanded I give her access. I said, Nope!

 

She also has had trouble with credit cards. I found out (after I married her) that she had 4 credit cards. I paid them off and cut them up. Over the years she has gotten cards and not told me, but I always find out before they get to be more than 1-2k.

 

So, is the wealth I've accumulated mine? She has very little in 401 (k) for 16 years of work and not b/c she didn't make good money. Up until recently I paid ALL of the bills. Now that she is making more money she pays some bills and I'm grateful b/c I'm paying 100% of my sons tuition. When I ask for help with that, her goto answer is "I don't have it".

 

Her dad NEVER taught her to be financially responsible. She has no idea.

 

Way back, when I started a new job early in our marriage, we were scraping by. I had insomnia for 3 years, worked Saturdays trying to build my clientele and remember one Christmas driving home late one night wondering how I would buy Christmas for my son. She never gets stressed b/c she's never done without. Even those years when I was freaking out she would just shake her head and say, "Don't let it bother you" and shake her head like I was being silly.

 

I could give you 100 examples. She wanted an expensive pair of designer eye glasses. She'd already spent her money and bought those anyway and then bounced checks b/c "She really wanted them".

 

She wanted veneers on her teeth. She had a slight gap (that I actually found sexy and she'd never said it bothered her). She told me they would cost $900. How stupid am I? I had no idea veneers were so expensive. The bill was crazy and she said she made a mistake and thought they were only $900 - so the sucker here paid them off again.

 

I found out she had appointments at the place to get Botox and the "fat dr" (she isn't fat, but she talks the dr into giving her diet pills and HCG shots). I said, how are you paying for both of those this week?? She said she was canceling the Fat Dr appt. She sneaked and went anyway and put it on a credit card.

 

This are just the types of things I've managed for 21 years. I try and keep a lid on it before it becomes real debt, but at the least it takes most of her money.

 

QUESTION: Why does she do so much for her looks when she is not affectionate or dress up for me?? I ask her and she tells me she has to stay young b/c she works in a younger industry.

[BluesPower]

Yeah, no one thinks that until they find out the truth.

 

And her attitude sucks worse than most.

 

Listen to what everyone is telling you. She has/is cheating and is living the single life on her trips.

 

Yes it is expensive to get divorced.

 

If you want to continue the detective work then you should. You will find evidence of cheating, almost guaranteed.

 

Listen to the advice you are getting, and get prepared for a SH** storm, because it is coming.

[Sparta]

OP don't listen to them regarding the VAR it is not a felony it's a misdemeanor, I have never ever Heard of one person being arrested or prosecuted for using VAR. why she always worried about her looks that's because she's cheating on you already guaranteed buddy. straight out of the cheaters handbook. Keep using the VARs eventually you will catcher you might even hear her in the act.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Her financial irresponsibility is just another reason why you aren't compatible. While that level of cluelessness would be a deal breaker for most people, it does not entitle you to all your joint savings. And whether or not you think it's "fair", income earned over the course of the marriage is marital property, just like her designer sunglasses and veneers are marital consumption. If you have an issue with her attitude toward money, you should have never married her, or divorced her sooner. Better late than never, though!

 

I'm still not sure I understand the purpose of continuing to use the voice recorder though. You wanted to confirm she wasn't cheating- now you know. How is that relevant anyway though? Cheating or not- it sounds very much like YOU are done. You don't need a reason to divorce someone, though if you want one, the financial incompatibility and mutual disdain should suffice.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Hindsight 20/20 you maybe should have seen this coming when she was pestering you about the second kid. I know I would not have relented on that. May have even had a vasectomy

[Popsicle]

You don't seem to love her anymore either so just end the misery and divorce. You have to accept that the price of peace, happiness and freedom will be half the assets. It's worth it.

[jen1447]

5. I live in SC

 

7. I don't plan on using the recordings - I'll ask the lawyer, but I don't think that is legal. Even though the car she was driving is in my name. The point of the VAR's was to see what was being said, not to use in court.

 

SC's a one-party consent state, so that's in your favor. However, what ppl often don't understand is that what this makes lawful is recording conversations that you're a party to - meaning you're participating in the conversation. So bscly you can record a conversation you're having with someone without telling them, bc you yourself presumably consent and that's all that's required.

 

SECTION 17-30-30. Interception by employee of Federal Communications Commission, by person acting under color or law, and when party has given prior consent.

 

© It is lawful under this chapter for a person not acting under color of law to intercept a wire, oral, or electronic communication where the person is a party to the communication or where one of the parties to the communication has given prior consent to the interception.

 

But just plain recording other ppl's conversations as a third party w/out their consent is a felony under this section -

 

SECTION 17-30-20. Prohibited acts.

 

Except as otherwise specifically provided in this chapter, a person who commits any of the following acts is guilty of a felony and, upon conviction, must be punished as provided in Section 17-30-50 of this chapter:

 

(1) intentionally intercepts, attempts to intercept, or procures any other person to intercept or attempt to intercept any wire, oral, or electronic communication;

 

(2) intentionally uses, attempts to use, or procures any other person to use or attempt to use any electronic, mechanical, or other device to intercept any oral communication when:

 

(a) the device is affixed to or otherwise transmits a signal through a wire, cable, or other like connection used in wire communication; or

 

(b) the device transmits communications by radio or interferes with the transmission of the communication;

 

It sounds like it's even illegal to tell your attorney about it -

 

(3) intentionally discloses or attempts to disclose to any other person the contents of any wire, oral, or electronic communication, knowing or having reason to know that the information was obtained through the interception of a wire, oral, or electronic communication in violation of this subsection;

 

Definitions -

 

SECTION 17-30-15. Definitions.

 

As used in this chapter:

 

(2) "Oral communication" means any oral communication uttered by a person exhibiting an expectation that the communication is not subject to interception under circumstances justifying the expectation and does not mean any public oral communication uttered at a public meeting or any electronic communication.

 

(3) "Intercept" means the aural or other acquisition of the contents of any wire, electronic, or oral communication through the use of any electronic, mechanical, or other device.

 

Penalties -

 

SECTION 17-30-50. Penalty for violating Sections 17-30-20 through 17-30-45.

 

(A) Except as provided in subsection (B), whoever violates the provisions of Sections 17-30-20 through 17-30-45, upon conviction, must be imprisoned not more than five years or fined not more than five thousand dollars, or both.

 

(The subsection (B) part bscly allows for first time offenses being misdemeanors punishable by 1 year in jail and $1,000 fine for each offense, so assuming you've never done this before, you'd probably qualify for that.)

 

I know you said you don't intend to use the VAR info so that's good - it's just also good to know exactly where you stand in terms of the law.

[BluesPower]

Jen, love you but, I work in/around law enforcement. No one ever gets prosecuted for this. I have seen people try it just is not worth the time.

 

And while you may never have this issue, us mortals sometimes have to check up on our spouses. We hope that we find nothing but we usually do.

 

I know that you hate this kind of thing, snooping and all, but it is kind of a reality sometimes.

 

And you know I hate to disagree with you because I respect your opinion so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't seem to love her anymore either so just end the misery and divorce. You have to accept that the price of peace, happiness and freedom will be half the assets. It's worth it.

 

Amen. I told my ex-wife I wanted 50/50 custody of our son, other than that she could have whatever she wanted. Friends/family all said I wasn't getting a fair shake (for instance, gave her the house and our equity in it without offset), to this day still feel it was the best deal I ever made.

 

She was comfortable, I was out and able to move forward with my life...

 

Mr. Lucky