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I've been married for 14 years. Several months ago, my husband and I was on the verge of divorce because of my jealousy. He said he can't look around and people watch etc. we made it through because he threatened to leave if I bring up jealousy one more time and I don't want us to divorce. we're on vacation now and every day im stressed and depressed because he's looking over at every single attractive girl that walks by. Sometimes, if he would turn or twist himself as she walks by in guise that he's looking at something else. To make it worse, I think he's always done this before and now don't have to hide it from me when we are together now. He tells me that he loves me and I'm beautiful etc. then why would his head snap up when someone attractive walks by? I desperately need advice if I'm overreacting or not. If so, how to I control my stress and anger?

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You need to get into counciling. My H was like that when we were younger & I ended up cheating on him. I figured if I was going to be accused all the time, then screw it (there were other issues but that was part of it). Men are ALWAYS going to look, well so are women...you never thought any other man was ever attractive? He shouldn't have to deal with your insecurities after that many years of marriage if he hasn't done anything to deserve it. If you can't stop yourself, you need outside help...good luck

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He's being rude and tactless.

 

But there is no reason to be hyperfocused on him and his gaze. Why not check out some of the eye candy yourself? He might not like that so much when your attention is elsewhere. He might learn.

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Looking is one thing......but ogling is different. So which is it?

 

If my husband oggled... then I really wouldn't want to go on vacation with him. It would be rather annoying.

 

Alternatively......just put on your sunglasses and take a stroll the next time he does it. Take yourself away from the situation. He might be doing it to get you riled up.

 

Has he ever done anything more than look?

 

Being accused of something doesn't make you do it BTW. It's clearly your inner person if you decide to cheat.

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Looking is one thing......but ogling is different. So which is it?

 

If my husband oggled... then I really wouldn't want to go on vacation with him. It would be rather annoying.

 

Alternatively......just put on your sunglasses and take a stroll the next time he does it. Take yourself away from the situation. He might be doing it to get you riled up.

 

Has he ever done anything more than look?

 

Being accused of something doesn't make you do it BTW. It's clearly your inner person if you decide to cheat.

 

 

No, it doesn't but if accused & having to pay over & over for something one didn't do...sure makes it a lot easier. No one (especially a man) wants to deal with a non stop nag...everyone has a breaking point. So if one continues to do that to a spouse (that hasn't done anything) it's like they're speaking it into existence.

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No, it doesn't but if accused & having to pay over & over for something one didn't do...sure makes it a lot easier. No one (especially a man) wants to deal with a non stop nag...everyone has a breaking point. So if one continues to do that to a spouse (that hasn't done anything) it's like they're speaking it into existence.

 

Also known as a "Self Fulfilling Prophecy"

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mrs rubble

One of my ex's used to do this, my solution was to start admiring good looking men, for example if the rugby was on TV- "whoar!! Nice legs on that man" etc.:laugh: I didn't notice him noticing other women after that as I was too busy noticing other men.....not that this is an ideal solution...but it worked for me.

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No, it doesn't but if accused & having to pay over & over for something one didn't do...sure makes it a lot easier. No one (especially a man) wants to deal with a non stop nag...everyone has a breaking point. So if one continues to do that to a spouse (that hasn't done anything) it's like they're speaking it into existence.

 

Why wasn't getting divorced an option?

 

If I'm accused of doing wrong the LAST thing I'd do is go and do the very thing I've been accused of. That would just make the person believe they were right all along.

 

It's crazy logic IMO.

 

The sensible and mature thing would be to do what the OPs husband has done. Express your feelings about the jealousy or accusations and issue an ultimatum if it happens again.

 

Then follow through with it.

 

OP - I actually agree with Mrs. Rubble. In fact I wrote that and deleted as I thought it seemed too tit for tat..... but I'd pretty much mimic his actions towards good looking guys. There must be some fit ones by the pool.

 

Some men look with their eyes following a woman's backside or staring at her boobs ..... does he do this or just general looking at pretty women?

 

BUT BEWARE..

I have seen individuals express how they had/have a jealousy issue with their spouse.... and even gotten into therapy for it... only to find out they'd been cheating all along.

 

These cheaters use your insecurities to silence you and when they have you fearing divorce ..... they feel even better carrying on.

It's called gaslighting.

 

If there is no history of infidelity and you have no shred of anything apart from the looking ... you need to let it go or consider therapy.

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I'm. It sure what ogling means. There's three instances that were pretty major for me along with the normal looking. We were standing in line behind a girl wearing short skirt. And husband needed to get something from his backpack that was leaning against his leg. So he bent over and got what he needed, but took advantage of the girl's leg view from that lower level and as he straightened out, almost looked like he was trying to look up her skirt. Thinking about this is making my blood boil. Second, we were walking and another girl wearing a skirt and did a double take. Third a girl was standing next to me at a cross walk and he was looking the other direction and didn't notice. But she started to walk behind me where my husband caught the tail end of her. So he turned around 180 with the guise that he's looking to orient himself. We are 34 & 35 and I can't bring it up otherwise we'll get into an arguement and divorce would be brought up again. I feel that everything he tried to do for me in terms of not looking back twice, not looking over etc before the divorce talk, is now out the window and he wants to look the way he wants. It's really killing me inside though. Can I expect this from the rest of the male population?

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hestheone66

You need to be confident that you are very attractive..if your confidence wanes you will be more touchy and insecure.

Do you dress up for him to maintain his interest in you? He likes short skirts..wear them every now and again, especially where other men can see you..

 

Very frequent sex will stop his wandering eye

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bathtub-row

Your husband is an idiot if he can't even control himself while he's with you. Now that's he has put this threat in front of you, he's left you no choice but to leave him or put up with his rude and immature behavior. I would personally go to counseling with him so that he can understand how his behavior does nothing to make you feel loved or secure. My son at the age of 20 understood this concept. I personally wouldn't be with a man who acted this way. Sorry, it just says too much about him.

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Not all men do that at all. My husband never behaves that way... but I do suggest you do the same as him or try and limit your time with him in public. He's being disrespectful towards you and I very much question how he does this knowing how you feel about it. His actions show your feelings aren't his priority.

 

Knowing that it hurts you just makes him seem abusive TBH. Your choices:

 

Ignore it and learn to accept that this is who he is

OR

Leave him

 

He's shown he WON'T stop regardless of how you feel. That would be my concern really. Being married to a man who doesn't give a damn. Maybe divorce would be the best thing all round. I bet he'd be very suprised if you suggested it.

 

Has he always been like this? When dating too?

Are all other aspects of your marriage good?

 

As suggested ... wear short skirts and show some leg yourself.

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Why wasn't getting divorced an option?

 

If I'm accused of doing wrong the LAST thing I'd do is go and do the very thing I've been accused of. That would just make the person believe they were right all along.

 

It's crazy logic IMO.

 

The sensible and mature thing would be to do what the OPs husband has done. Express your feelings about the jealousy or accusations and issue an ultimatum if it happens again.

 

Then follow through with it.

 

OP - I actually agree with Mrs. Rubble. In fact I wrote that and deleted as I thought it seemed too tit for tat..... but I'd pretty much mimic his actions towards good looking guys. There must be some fit ones by the pool.

 

Some men look with their eyes following a woman's backside or staring at her boobs ..... does he do this or just general looking at pretty women?

 

BUT BEWARE..

I have seen individuals express how they had/have a jealousy issue with their spouse.... and even gotten into therapy for it... only to find out they'd been cheating all along.

 

These cheaters use your insecurities to silence you and when they have you fearing divorce ..... they feel even better carrying on.

It's called gaslighting.

 

If there is no history of infidelity and you have no shred of anything apart from the looking ... you need to let it go or consider therapy.

 

Yiueve evidently have never been in the situation of being nagged to the point of not caring. That's what happens, when someone won't stop, all caring goes out the door.

 

This woman admits her jealously , saying her husband wants to leave her & your advice is what? Look at other guys & maybe you nag him all the time bc I heard a story from about my neighbor cousin's husband, wife nagged all the time bc she subconsciously knew he was cheating for years.

 

 

Some people don't want a divorce but after a nagging spouse, sitting with an attractive person that doesn't behave like starts looking real good. I'm so sick there isn't any excuse for cheating but saying there is excuse for other things. Anytime your putting your marriage in jeopardy over anything...cheating, jealousy, nagging, financial... There NO excuse...not just cheating,IMO anyone that thinks that is so insecure they can't see that all that a mentioned is against martial vows,not just "cheating"

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I'm. It sure what ogling means. There's three instances that were pretty major for me along with the normal looking. We were standing in line behind a girl wearing short skirt. And husband needed to get something from his backpack that was leaning against his leg. So he bent over and got what he needed, but took advantage of the girl's leg view from that lower level and as he straightened out, almost looked like he was trying to look up her skirt. Thinking about this is making my blood boil. Second, we were walking and another girl wearing a skirt and did a double take. Third a girl was standing next to me at a cross walk and he was looking the other direction and didn't notice. But she started to walk behind me where my husband caught the tail end of her. So he turned around 180 with the guise that he's looking to orient himself. We are 34 & 35 and I can't bring it up otherwise we'll get into an arguement and divorce would be brought up again. I feel that everything he tried to do for me in terms of not looking back twice, not looking over etc before the divorce talk, is now out the window and he wants to look the way he wants. It's really killing me inside though. Can I expect this from the rest of the male population?

 

 

 

I grew up with all men, as a kid & now as an adult I'm still surrounded. I went out (only girl) with 27 male cousins about 2 weeks ago, I was the only girl invited to several bachelor parties of my husband's friends...YES, men WILL ALWAYS LOOK!

 

your husband is ogling bc he's starting not to care. When someone has to hear jealous nagging all the time anyone he meets is going to look better than you. My mom did this when I was a kid & I couldn't stand it, it's truly the most unattractive thing in the world to watch & that eats at someone over time. The more you complain about the same thing the more your spouse isn't going to care about what you say & may start doing it just to piss you off. If your fine losing your marriage bc you can't control jealousy or your mouth, that's up to you but how's it going to feel when you see him with another woman after the divorce, happy & your sitting alone? Will you care who he was starting at on vacation how many years ago if that happens? You're admitting you have a problem, so you know it's there. Don't let it ruin your happiness not just bc of your husband but yourself. You're in vacation & you're ruining it for yourself, that's just really sad.

 

Good luck

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Yiueve evidently have never been in the situation of being nagged to the point of not caring. That's what happens, when someone won't stop, all caring goes out the door.

 

This woman admits her jealously , saying her husband wants to leave her & your advice is what? Look at other guys & maybe you nag him all the time bc I heard a story from about my neighbor cousin's husband, wife nagged all the time bc she subconsciously knew he was cheating for years.

 

 

Some people don't want a divorce but after a nagging spouse, sitting with an attractive person that doesn't behave like starts looking real good. I'm so sick there isn't any excuse for cheating but saying there is excuse for other things. Anytime your putting your marriage in jeopardy over anything...cheating, jealousy, nagging, financial... There NO excuse...not just cheating,IMO anyone that thinks that is so insecure they can't see that all that a mentioned is against martial vows,not just "cheating"

 

Actually my husband queried my fidelity on several occasions and genuinely believed I was cheating .... even when he doubted the paternity of one of our children.... it still didn't make me cheat and that's one hell of an accusation. I was absolutely fuming with rage, but why would I then decide to do what I've been accused of?

 

Some individuals just have that cheating tendency and it doesn't take much to prise it out. Using excuses to justify one's waywardness doesn't fly at all.

 

I believe it's best to pick up and pack out instead of lowering myself to becoming a cheat and opening my legs for another man, as the thought alone disgusts me but I know not everybody shares these views or has similar morals/values.

 

If a man thinks staring at another woman's legs and trying to look under her skirt (especially in the presence of his wife) is acceptable and not disrespectful to the woman and his wife... then a taste of his own medicine will do him the world of good.

 

Quite frankly I'd divorce such a man and leave him to stare to his heart's content.

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

A couple things...

 

1)Men will for the most part always look.

 

2) Men generally don't care if you look either.

 

3)The phrase "married not dead" exists for a reason. Can't just shut off being a man cause you got married. Same goes for woman for that matter.

 

4) Some people just have more tact than others.

 

5) If you had a husband who never ever looks at other women, not at all, not once ever. Then you are probably the type to be on here talking about "my husband doesn't want to have sex with me it's making me feel unattractive" or similar type threads.

 

If you are a lady reading this and thinking "my husband never looks and we have great sex very frequently" then I refer you back to #4. Trust me, he looks.

 

Finally, start looking yourself. And realize there isn't anything wrong with admiring beauty. Ogling is one thing, but looking is just that, looking.

 

Also why the argument on people watching? You understand people watching includes those who are attractive. I mean, if you are people watching and a pretty girl walks by and you turn your attention to him to see if he looks at her, then YOU are the one with the problem, not him. Is he expected to advert his eyes from the pretty ones and only people watch ugly people or something? What about you? When a young Robert Redford look-a-like walks by do you advert your gaze? Does your husband even give a damn if you do or not? Cause I bet he doesn't care if you look.

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^^^^^ I agree

 

I certainly notice good looking guys .... but I don't stare at them.

Tact goes a long way in life.

 

Looking up a ladies skirt or trying to is just pervy though.

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The problem isn't that your husband notices and looks at attractive women - that's natural and normal, and most men do this. The problem is that he's not subtle or tactful about it, so it's too obvious to you, and the problem is greater because you seem to expect unnatural behavior from him.

 

 

Ask him to learn to be more subtle, and if he doesn't, then start noticing - and commenting on - attractive men. He'll learn quickly if you must do the latter to make your point.

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Lois_Griffin
You need to be confident that you are very attractive..if your confidence wanes you will be more touchy and insecure.

Do you dress up for him to maintain his interest in you? He likes short skirts..wear them every now and again, especially where other men can see you..

 

Very frequent sex will stop his wandering eye

LMAO. Alrighty, then.

 

Hey - as long as she's catering to this tactless pig and pandering to his every wish, I think she should also chew his food for him and wipe his ass.

 

Then when she's done with all that, she can lay back down on the floor again and resume welcome mat duties. :lmao:

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Lois_Griffin
A couple things...

 

1)Men will for the most part always look.

 

2) Men generally don't care if you look either.

 

3)The phrase "married not dead" exists for a reason. Can't just shut off being a man cause you got married. Same goes for woman for that matter.

 

4) Some people just have more tact than others.

 

5) If you had a husband who never ever looks at other women, not at all, not once ever. Then you are probably the type to be on here talking about "my husband doesn't want to have sex with me it's making me feel unattractive" or similar type threads.

 

If you are a lady reading this and thinking "my husband never looks and we have great sex very frequently" then I refer you back to #4. Trust me, he looks.

 

Finally, start looking yourself. And realize there isn't anything wrong with admiring beauty. Ogling is one thing, but looking is just that, looking.

 

Also why the argument on people watching? You understand people watching includes those who are attractive. I mean, if you are people watching and a pretty girl walks by and you turn your attention to him to see if he looks at her, then YOU are the one with the problem, not him. Is he expected to advert his eyes from the pretty ones and only people watch ugly people or something? What about you? When a young Robert Redford look-a-like walks by do you advert your gaze? Does your husband even give a damn if you do or not? Cause I bet he doesn't care if you look.

Of course they look. A woman has to be a fool if she thinks she can actually expect her husband to only look at her, only fantasize about her, and only concentrate on her. That's ludicrous.

 

HOWEVER, this is a respect issue, not whether a man looks or not.

 

I know my husband looks. Big deal. Sometimes I'll point things out to him, if he's looking the other way. Again, big deal. But the difference here is that when he does look, he does it tactfully, not like some dumbass hormonal teenager with NO self control at all, like the OP's ignorant husband.

 

Was this guy raised by wolves or something? Talk about NO class at all.

 

Why you're willing to disrespect yourself - and allow this troglodyte to treat you so disrespectfully just because you want so badly to hold onto this 'prize' at all costs - is something you need to explore.

 

He sure doesn't sound like a prize to me, so I don't get it.

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Lois.. like I say ... you can be harsh.. but you're on the money with this one.^^^^^

 

TBH I myself notice and look at attractive women as well ( no I'm not a lesbian ), but I can admire beauty whether it's a cute kid, a pretty woman or a good looking guy.

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T-16bullseyeWompRat
Of course they look. A woman has to be a fool if she thinks she can actually expect her husband to only look at her, only fantasize about her, and only concentrate on her. That's ludicrous.

 

HOWEVER, this is a respect issue, not whether a man looks or not.

 

I know my husband looks. Big deal. Sometimes I'll point things out to him, if he's looking the other way. Again, big deal. But the difference here is that when he does look, he does it tactfully, not like some dumbass hormonal teenager with NO self control at all, like the OP's ignorant husband.

 

Was this guy raised by wolves or something? Talk about NO class at all.

 

Why you're willing to disrespect yourself - and allow this troglodyte to treat you so disrespectfully just because you want so badly to hold onto this 'prize' at all costs - is something you need to explore.

 

He sure doesn't sound like a prize to me, so I don't get it.

 

I don't disagree with any of what you said, I'm just not sure it 100% applies to them. The OP states he used to look while trying to be tactful. At least he was trying right? OP stated he would pretend to be looking at something else. Like I said, some people just have tact and some dont. Combine his lack of tact and her extreme insecurities and it erupts into a fight about PEOPLE WATCHING! I mean who fights about that? Well people with extreme insecurities that's who.

 

Imagine sitting on a patio with your man Lois and every time a guy he considers to be more attractive than him walks by he then puts his focus on you and if you will look at the other guy. Better not look, cause it will make his extremely insecure ass very upset and make him feel inadequate and whatever else. Now imagine that same thing happening for 14 years. Well I for one, even though I don't know you, could imagine you wouldn't put up with that ish at all! Of course I don't see you as the type to be with someone who has those extreme insecurity issues.... but if it were the case, at what point would you start acting out?

 

 

Sounds like he tried to have tact and tried to consider your feelings for a long time OP. Even by your own admission he would try and play his looking at others off by attempting to be tactful about it. But your extreme jealousy and insecurities have pushed him over the edge and now he is possibly acting out on purpose.

 

Not saying the guy isn't an idiot, just saying everyone has a point where they say "you know what, YOU are the problem not me" and will start to act out accordingly. Very possibly doing it on purpose. Acting like an ass to get back at you for what he feels is years of mistreatment on your part by falsely accusing of having lust for other women. Looking isn't lusting.

 

Also like to point out there might have very well been times he wasn't looking at other women, but your insecurities OP lead you to believe he was and you wrongfully accused him of it. How many times does that happen until he is like "eff this I'm done with you" your jealousy almost got you a divorce. Seems like the problem is more with OP then the dude from what I'm reading. And now he's just being a dog cause you have treated him as such for so many years. Not saying he is in the right but I get the mentality. Might as well have the perks of being a dog if you are constantly accused of being one.

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Actually my husband queried my fidelity on several occasions and genuinely believed I was cheating .... even when he doubted the paternity of one of our children.... it still didn't make me cheat and that's one hell of an accusation. I was absolutely fuming with rage, but why would I then decide to do what I've been accused of?

 

Some individuals just have that cheating tendency and it doesn't take much to prise it out. Using excuses to justify one's waywardness doesn't fly at all.

 

I believe it's best to pick up and pack out instead of lowering myself to becoming a cheat and opening my legs for another man, as the thought alone disgusts me but I know not everybody shares these views or has similar morals/values.

 

If a man thinks staring at another woman's legs and trying to look under her skirt (especially in the presence of his wife) is acceptable and not disrespectful to the woman and his wife... then a taste of his own medicine will do him the world of good.

 

Quite frankly I'd divorce such a man and leave him to stare to his heart's content.

 

Wait...your husband questioned your child's paternity & yet you also say he would never behave that way & if he wanted to look at other women you'd divorce him? How does that even make any sense? So your husband emotionally abuses you (that's emotional abuse to put your wife through that) & your only concern is him looking at other women?

 

There is only 2 reasons a man would question that. Major mental issues (if it has absolutely no basis) or he's the one that's having affair. Either one is way worse of a problem vs checking out another woman.

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I'm. It sure what ogling means. There's three instances that were pretty major for me along with the normal looking. We were standing in line behind a girl wearing short skirt. And husband needed to get something from his backpack that was leaning against his leg. So he bent over and got what he needed, but took advantage of the girl's leg view from that lower level and as he straightened out, almost looked like he was trying to look up her skirt. Thinking about this is making my blood boil. Second, we were walking and another girl wearing a skirt and did a double take. Third a girl was standing next to me at a cross walk and he was looking the other direction and didn't notice. But she started to walk behind me where my husband caught the tail end of her. So he turned around 180 with the guise that he's looking to orient himself. We are 34 & 35 and I can't bring it up otherwise we'll get into an arguement and divorce would be brought up again. I feel that everything he tried to do for me in terms of not looking back twice, not looking over etc before the divorce talk, is now out the window and he wants to look the way he wants. It's really killing me inside though. Can I expect this from the rest of the male population?

 

 

[]

As a guy I look too but as most say, TACT goes a long way.

 

 

Personally I have found that if I'm out with my ideal woman then I won't look.

 

 

As far as what you should do...definitely tell him that it's rude and disrespectful that he does that. He can look but he has to take it easy and just use his peripheral vision.

As another user suggested, look at other men too, especially when he is breaking his neck to look at other women. Maybe you should embarrass him one day if a hot guy with a muscular body walks by just say OUTLOUD "Damn it babe! Why can't you look like that!"

Of course I don't know the guy so if you think that might lead to violence then don't do it please.

Now there is the aspect of what you're all about too so if you don't like that he's looking and you don't want to look at other men then just take a brake from one another. I find that distance and time is a really good way to know if you really love someone.

 

 

Ultimately you need to have respect and admiration and if any of that is missing then it WILL get a lot worse in the future.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect violation redacted ~6
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bluefeather

How did you get through 14 years with this guy? Did these problems just start those several months ago when you were arguing about it?

 

Can I expect this from the rest of the male population?

 

No.

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