Just another update...venting.

[RomanticBride]

So today, my husband and I went out grocery shopping and we enjoyed it like we always do. Then we went home and played a game called "The And". If you've never played The And with your spouse, you absolutely 100% should. You ask a series of questions to each other, locking eyes while you answer them. It starts out with fairly light questions like, "What's the first thing you noticed about me?" And progresses to deeper topics like, "What is the one thing you don't want me to find out?' and, "What do you really want in life?"

 

My husband, who is not a talker by any means, is always open and honest with me when we play this "game" and it is very refreshing. When I asked him what he really wanted in life, he said he couldn't see himself staying in America forever (he's British) and at some point, possibly wanted to move back to England or to Canada.

 

I told him I'd happily go anywhere he led, but cautioned him that a huge part of why we have always been comfortable in the States is due to my father and his company providing for us. I told him he'd better be certain we'd have just as good a life in Europe or Canada as we do here, if not better. Planning and thinking things through is one of his best traits, and he told me of course he wouldn't be foolhardy. But I am left wondering how he thinks he'd ever find job security anywhere else. I didn't pies the issue, nor did I make him PROMISE to put our security first. I didn't want to start a fight. Besides, this is something he theorized would only happen 10 or so years from now.

 

The good news is he sees a future with me in it 10 years from now. The bad news is that future might involve insecurity and uncertainty, two things I definitely do not need more of. "The And" always ends with a long cuddle, so that was nice.

 

He then went out of his way (well out of his way, like to a physical store) to buy me a new video game. We watched each other play it, and hopefully tomorrow we'll play 2-player mode.

 

Another thing that bothers me so very, very much is my face. I do in fact have fine lines; they were not just dehydration from the other day. I'm distraught that at 23, I'm already ageing like this. I avoid sunlight, never tolerate cigarette smoke, and rarely drink. And yet, this. I feel hideous and I'm literally crying over it, and have been doing so on and off all night, excusing myself to my chill-out bed to weep unimpeded. I won't let my beloved see me like this, neither wrinkled nor crying.

 

My therapist said that when I feel this way I should try and find another way of looking at it, for example that I am not the only 23-year old in the world with fine lines and some of my friends have them too. It doesn't help much. I still feel ugly.

 

At least while I'm awake I can think about what I'm going to do for my darling today. He never really seems to want anything except continual snuggles, which I am happy to provide. Still, he deserves more. Maybe I'll wake him up with a massage. Or cook him eggs.

Edited August 28, 2016 by RomanticBride

[Els]

I told him I'd happily go anywhere he led, but cautioned him that a huge part of why we have always been comfortable in the States is due to my father and his company providing for us. I told him he'd better be certain we'd have just as good a life in Europe or Canada as we do here, if not better. Planning and thinking things through is one of his best traits, and he told me of course he wouldn't be foolhardy. But I am left wondering how he thinks he'd ever find job security anywhere else.

 

Your father is providing for you guys?

 

An adult couple shouldn't be dependent on their parents, and especially not to the extent that they cannot move anywhere on their own. Why do you think he wouldn't be able to find a job of his own if he left your father's company?

 

What are your own career plans?

 

Fine lines at 23 are normal especially if you have been crying and not sleeping.

[Mr. Lucky]

I told him he'd better be certain we'd have just as good a life in Europe or Canada as we do here, if not better.

 

Wouldn't half of that outcome be up to you? Isn't there a joint responsibility to create a good life together, financially and otherwise?

 

I'd guess a career or other purposeful endeavor would distract you from spending too much time looking in the mirror...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

My therapist said that when I feel this way I should try and find another way of looking at it, for example that I am not the only 23-year old in the world with fine lines and some of my friends have them too. It doesn't help much. I still feel ugly.

 

Do you have friends? Do they have fine lines? Are they ugly?

 

You should find more productive ways to spend your time. Go volunteer to feed the homeless or something. More action, less thinking, especially thinking about yourself.

[RomanticBride]

Your father is providing for you guys?

 

An adult couple shouldn't be dependent on their parents, and especially not to the extent that they cannot move anywhere on their own. Why do you think he wouldn't be able to find a job of his own if he left your father's company?

 

What are your own career plans?

 

Fine lines at 23 are normal especially if you have been crying and not sleeping.

 

My father is not "providing for us" directly, as he is no longer my husband's boss, but it is he who first got my husband a job after he moved here to marry me, and while I'm sure he COULD find work elsewhere, I would be very much doubtful of the benefits of that new job versus his current one. We have a few savings accounts, etc etc, but I know that here, if things were to ever get really rough, I could depend upon my parents. Not so much in Europe or Canada. My parents do not directly pay for anything, excepting my education, but in today's economy it is a matter of security.

 

As to getting a job myself, I'm a full-time student (this semester) and while I intend to try to get work after college, doing so right now is not feasable. In addition I have several roadblocks standing in my way, not the least of which being that I have cerebral palsy and therefore cannot drive, I live in an area where cars are a necessity. Ideally, I would work from home, putting my talents at writing to work as a writer or editor for an online magazine. Failing that, I've thought of a job at a call center, and have very recently conceded to the idea of doing work outside of the home- if the daily cost of an Uber would not completely eat up my salary. I can't I work somewhere an hour away, for example.

 

Agoraphobic that I am, therapy and medication have been instrumental in convincing me that I will someday have a job. 5 years ago as a newlywed, I would not have considered it unless we were on the brink of starvation or homelessness. Now, to my own astonishment, it is an inevitability, and not because we are in dire straits. I may be quite immature compared to most 23 year olds, but one must not discount how far I've come.

 

When my husband was engaged to me, it was generally understood he would do the majority of the "providing for", which was insured by my father's job offer and guarantee of protection, and my husband's incredible talent for programming. My darling is absolutely excelling and his work currently, and to hear my father tell it, there will soon be a promotion. My husband has managed to impress people in higher positions than my father, which I never doubted for a second that he could. There's little upward mobility in today's economy, however, so I'm not sure if we ever had to start from scratch that we would get anywhere without that career boost.

Edited August 28, 2016 by RomanticBride

[BettyDraper]

Mixing business and family can get messy. Your husband probably wants to move away so that he can prove to himself and your family that he can make it on his own.

 

I'm glad that you're getting the help you need. As for fine lines, those will improve if you cry less and sleep more. There are also numerous products on the market and you can always get microdermabrasion done at a spa.

[ShatteredLady]

Are you guys planning on ever having children? If so does your H want them educated in England?

 

I'm English living in America. It's incredibly hard! We are returning home as soon as we can get everything organized.

When I was in my late 20's early 30's the idea of travel & living in different countries was an adventure. As I get older (& my family ages) everything feels different!

 

Anyway, I hope that you don't say the sort of things you've written here to your H!! What a way to slowly destroy someone's self-image! It sounds like your H is a very capable employee...STOP this mind set that he's only where he is because of your Dad!!

 

On a better note - if you do move to England you won't have to drive like you do in most places in the states. Public transport is a lot more commonly used.

 

Are you ever going to be ready to live 9 hours flight away from everything you know? Family & friends? REALLY? This is a huge thing for you to discuss. Forget about the fear of your H not being able to get a job on his own. That's the least of your worries in real life.

 

Fine wrinkles come & go. Have your parents aged prematurely? You have a lot of extreme worries for a lady so young. I'm sorry.

[RomanticBride]

He might like children some day, and yes, we'd want them educated in England or Canada rather then the USA, but there are a lot of things to consider. Finances, first and foremost, and then that I'd have to be off of my (heavy) antidepressants for a bare minimum of nine months. Couple that with the possibility of postpartum depression, and frankly, I think I- or god forbid, our children- may not survive the pregnancy and beyond. There is, I think, a very real risk that I might attempt suicide or worse during or after the pregnancy.

 

My darling is planning on going to my next therapy appointment with me, so we can discuss these things in front of an impartial audience. Nonetheless, to my understanding, he doesn't consider either issue to be a deal breaker right now, and no matter what, kids or not, dad's help or not, we are determined to stay together

Edited August 28, 2016 by RomanticBride

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Sounds like you stress over some superficial stuff. Namely money and looks. How long have you been going to this therapist? Do you talk about this stuff?

[BettyDraper]

Sounds like you stress over some superficial stuff. Namely money and looks. How long have you been going to this therapist? Do you talk about this stuff?

 

I think it's normal to stress about money and looks but not to the extent that the OP does.

 

We would all like to look attractive and be able to live comfortably though.

[Aniela]

If you're a writer, you could start a blog (or is that "so 2005" or something?). You could also try self-publishing through Amazon, a website called Lulu, writing for websites like medium.com. I'm not a writer, so maybe someone who is can give you ideas.

 

I used to be agoraphobic, and now I mostly prefer to be out of the house. I'm climbing the walls after a couple of days.

[Aniela]

You could also try writing romance novels.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I think it's normal to stress about money and looks but not to the extent that the OP does.

 

We would all like to look attractive and be able to live comfortably though.

 

Both of those things are about mindset. These are valid issues to address with a therapist.

[Els]

My father is not "providing for us" directly, as he is no longer my husband's boss, but it is he who first got my husband a job after he moved here to marry me, and while I'm sure he COULD find work elsewhere, I would be very much doubtful of the benefits of that new job versus his current one. We have a few savings accounts, etc etc, but I know that here, if things were to ever get really rough, I could depend upon my parents. Not so much in Europe or Canada. My parents do not directly pay for anything, excepting my education, but in today's economy it is a matter of security.

 

As to getting a job myself, I'm a full-time student (this semester) and while I intend to try to get work after college, doing so right now is not feasable. In addition I have several roadblocks standing in my way, not the least of which being that I have cerebral palsy and therefore cannot drive, I live in an area where cars are a necessity. Ideally, I would work from home, putting my talents at writing to work as a writer or editor for an online magazine. Failing that, I've thought of a job at a call center, and have very recently conceded to the idea of doing work outside of the home- if the daily cost of an Uber would not completely eat up my salary. I can't I work somewhere an hour away, for example.

 

Agoraphobic that I am, therapy and medication have been instrumental in convincing me that I will someday have a job. 5 years ago as a newlywed, I would not have considered it unless we were on the brink of starvation or homelessness. Now, to my own astonishment, it is an inevitability, and not because we are in dire straits. I may be quite immature compared to most 23 year olds, but one must not discount how far I've come.

 

When my husband was engaged to me, it was generally understood he would do the majority of the "providing for", which was insured by my father's job offer and guarantee of protection, and my husband's incredible talent for programming. My darling is absolutely excelling and his work currently, and to hear my father tell it, there will soon be a promotion. My husband has managed to impress people in higher positions than my father, which I never doubted for a second that he could. There's little upward mobility in today's economy, however, so I'm not sure if we ever had to start from scratch that we would get anywhere without that career boost.

 

People taking public transport to work is very, very common in many European cities, much more so than in the US as far as I've seen. Also, Western Europe and Canada generally have much more comprehensive social safety nets than the US, so those can be depended on if things get rough financially. Also, if your H is a programmer with some experience in a commonly-used programming language, it's very likely that he would have no trouble at all finding a job in any developed country.

 

Basically, I think you should live with an open mind and see where life takes you. I also second Aniela's suggestion of romance author.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Elswyth

[wmacbride]

People taking public transport to work is very, very common in many European cities, much more so than in the US as far as I've seen. Also, Western Europe and Canada generally have much more comprehensive social safety nets than the US, so those can be depended on if things get rough financially. Also, if your H is a programmer with some experience in a commonly-used programming language, it's very likely that he would have no trouble at all finding a job in any developed country.

 

Basically, I think you should live with an open mind and see where life takes you. I also second Aniela's suggestion of romance author.

 

OP,

I don't drive because I have profound hearing loss and my vision is not so great either. I still get around using public transport.

 

While writing sounds like an ideal career, it's not an easy one. It's my career, and it takes a lot of work. I would suggest that, if you are serious about pursuing it, you join your site's writer's union/association, as it can give you great advice. My daughter is a published author, and has been for several years. The writings not the hard part, but getting published ( not just self published) was difficult. I would suggest that you start off self publishing, promote yours works on sites such as Goodreads, etc. and social media. With some luck, you'll get noticed and be picked up by a publisher. In her case, she writes books that are somewhat specific to a local area, which generated interest and she was interviewed by the area's newspaper and some magazines. That caught the eye of a publisher.

[utterer of lies]

Your mid-term plan should be to find a way to get your husband less dependent on your dad. Great, he's got a good job in your father's company. If you and him play your cards right, this can be a great jumpstart to his career, but not if you keep him locked in your fathers company.

 

Experience at a good position will make it much easier for him to get a better (or at least similar, without the ties) job somewhere else. He should use the opportunity he certainly has (re: your father's company) to get some additional certifications or education on the job.

 

As you are both considering moving at one point, obvious options for him to look for alternatives would be international companies that have offices in both your current place and the UK.

 

Also, while you did call yourself RomanticBride, I actually find it refreshing what a serious outlook you have. Although you might be underestimating him - why are you so certain he won't find similar employment?

[MJJean]

Read her other thread. It's a real eye-opener.